Confessed to friend. Did I do everything right?

[emotionthatbad]

I confessed to my friend today and it went as expected, she said no. What I would like to know is if I did everything correctly, and where do I go from now? Obviously I am in a lot of pain right now. I suffer from anxiety and just need some people to talk to, I doubt my friends want to hear about this especially as they are also friends with the person I confessed to.

I did it over text, not the best place but I had to put a halt on something she was saying which led to me confessing my feelings. Here is the conversation, criticism is welcome.


**pre cursor conversation, don't need to post. I said I liked her she found it hard to belive and didn't clearly say how she felt**

Her:What about that girl from your work?

Me: Didn't hook up. You know it would help if you say you outright dont like me btw then I can skip on my merry way

her: I don't like you in that way , I aam really sorry

me: dont be sorry *friend*, it will help me

Her: I feel so bad!!

me: you are welcome to your own feelings. It only hurts when I hear about you with other people. Especially people I think I am better than.

her: It's not about whether you are better than them I am too close to you and I don't feel like that about you If anything was to happen, it would only be awkward and you would get more hurt.

me: thats what i mean by dont feel bad btw, that you dont feel that way. it happens

her: It's not that I don't find you attractive I just don't feel that way towards you

me:*Friend*, you do realize i like you so that means I would like to try something at a risk, as I feel we would be good. BUT you are not attracted to me, its not that we are too close, its that you are not atractted to me, and thats fine Im trying to get a clear line hear so I can get over you

*some more about me being attractive, but not in that way. Me asking for clarity agian*

me: And now that is clear, Im asking you not to talk about your sex life infront of me please, atleast for a couple of months (is this wrong to ask?)

her:thats fine

me: after we do the test *friend*, i might become a bit distant from you for a little while. be good for both of us. Ofc you can still come over and hang out with the guys. Im telling you so you dont think I am ignoring you

her: That's fine

Me: Sorry its selfish in a sense and you are my best friend still, and I know we wanna keep it that way.

Did I handle this okay? I feel awful, but it was needed I guess. I just don't know where to go from now, we share the same friends and she was the the one I always was with, I spent all my time with her. I am at loss on what to do now. Help?

[Wakeup]

You did good and what you did was keeping your best interests in mind. Now that you know that she's not romantically interested in you, you can do the mental work YOU need to do to get over the infatuation you feel for her. You also did well by stating your boundaries to her (no talking about her sex life to you).

Now, you must have strong personal boundaries in place with her as your friendship continues and that means that she doesn't cross platonic friendship dynamics nor do you. You do with her only what you would do with your male buddies.

Sorry it didn't work out for you but consider this a tremendous showing of your maturity. There are a thousand or more who have come to this forum in your position who never had the courage to get it out in the open and then dealing with the conclusion. Cheers to you. Now you can move on in heart and mind and find a girl that does want to be with you romantically.

[emotionthatbad]

Thank you for your kind words, in light of an extreamly bad day.

I feel the confession is by far the easiest part. It is what is going to follow that I feel is going to be hard, I admit I've shed a couple of tears over it today. We were very close and she is/was my closest friend, this will leave a painful void. We share the same friends and she is always over at my house hanging around with me and my friends, this is going to be the hardest. We also share the same university classes. I am honestly scared about how the next few weeks are going to pan out and I hope my friends understand that I might not be able to bare to hang out with the group as a whole especially as she is on full out man hunt mode, seeing it happen will hurt. You called me mature but thinking ahead, I am not sure how this will come together. I want to be the better man and push feelings aside and carry on, but.. Shit hurts.

I hope I do find that someone, some day. We all do I guess.

[Wakeup]

You're making more of it then it has to be. Take time away from everyone but your best MALE friends for a few weeks until you get your emotional shit together and view it as a simple lost opportunity ~ HER lost opportunity, certainly not yours. Consider yourself the prize that any woman worth having would be happy to be with.

It's all in the attitude after all so make your's a "well that's that" kinda thang.

[topazlight]

I agree you did well with your talk and regarding you asking about her not to talk about her sex life with you, she shouldn't have needed that prompt off you, that should have went without saying, because it is inappropriate on her part to even that subject up. Hope you find your true love one day soon. Let 2016 be the year of you.

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest, I think whether you did it "correctly" is a moot point now. Maybe we'd have suggested other ways to approach it/different ways to say it, but now that it is said and one, here is what is really important...

You rock for being able to bring yourself to even say it in the first place. A lot of people would just keep wondering "What if? What if?" They would never be able to bring themselves to take a chance, and then they'd lose the opportunity and always have to wonder "what if?" You took a chance. It didn't work out, and yeah... that sucks. But, in the long run it is going to feel so much better than not knowing. Not only that, but take some inspiration from the fact that you had the courage to go for it. Instead of focusing on the fact that it didn't go your way, focus on the fact that you went for it. Despite your nerves, despite your doubts, you gave it a shot. Next time, maybe you'll have more luck. Sometimes dating is a bit of a numbers game anyway. You ask a few women out and they aren't interested.... until finally you find one who is.

Good luck to you, friend! You rock!

[emotionthatbad]

Thanks everyone for your kind words they are actually helping. I don't regret it as now I do know for certain, as you have been saying. I am 3 days in now after the rejection and yes it is still hurting a lot and is making me ill but such is life, hopefully the edge will start dulling soon.

As for the no contact thing, not going so well. Infact spent around 8 hours with her yesterday, it was mostly due to group work that we had to do so hopefully I can reduce the time spent with her in the future. It was intially painful seeing her but I got used to it, only hurt agian when at the end of the day she mentioned shes got a guy coming down to visit her (yes I know for deffo what for) and they been around each other a lot recently. This opened up the wound agian and my inferiority complex but I guess it is something that needed to be seen, although dreading the part where he does come down and I have to meet him. This may sound bitter but I saw pictures of him and he looks very scummy, tattoos on neck, popped collar, fag in mouth in every picture. And it made me think, maybe she doesn't deserve me if that is what she goes for. Horrible I know.

[TheEvilJester]

Going no contact would be best, but sometimes it just isn't possible. So, just go no contact as much as you can. If you have to do work together, then fine. You can't avoid that. But, just keep it official/professional. I call it "friendly but not friends." In other words, you don't need to chat it up with her, joke around with her, hang out with her outside of school/work, etc. Yet, at the same time you don't need to be cold and rude. For now, just act as though she is any other person.

Believe me, in time you'll forget about her. In time, a gal will come along that will make you wonder why the Hell you ever even liked her in the first place. I know that can be impossible to see now, but in time you will.

As for your comments about the guy she is meeting, yeah if you spoke like that in general about somebody I'd maybe say you are being judgmental...... but I think this is different. You are speaking from hurt feelings. Of course you are going to be looking at any guy she has interest in and thinking "THIS jerk?! She won't go out with me, yet she likes THIS jerk?" And you know something? That's not an entirely unhealthy attitude to have. (As long as you don't take it too far, of course.) It would honestly be good to do anything to help knock her off the pedestal you've put her on. Believe me, I'm not saying that intending to blame you. I think we can all understand putting somebody on a pedestal, and I think we can all relate to the hurt of finding out how wrong we were.

Now is the right time to finally realize all the little things you were either missing or ignoring because you were looking at her through rose-colored glasses. In the end, though, just realize that you shouldn't take her not wanting to go out with you (or any other girl for that matter) as a slight against you. Quite frankly, if she wasn't willing to give you a chance, that was HER loss. The attitude you need to have is that she'd have been lucky to have you, and if she couldn't see that another girl will. I know that is hard right now, but it will come in time.

.....On a side note, I love tattoos. On men, on women, I think they are great. I have quite a few myself...... but mine are all somewhere I can cover them easily when needed. I work a corporate job and my co-workers probably don't even know I have any. I've never understood why people get them in such obvious places like their neck. I'm a tattoo enthusiast.... and even I can't help but instinctively wonder what somebody was thinking when they did that. In reality, I realize that simply having a visible tattoo doesn't mean anything about them as a person (good or bad), but you still can't help that instinctive feeling.

[emotionthatbad]

Thank you, really I do thank you and I hope you appreciate how much you are helping me with this. I will take your words to heart and I am sure I will re-read them a few times over the next week.

Thank you.

[TheEvilJester]

Not a bad idea. In fact, repeat in your own head over and over again "It's HER loss, not mine." You may not believe it now, you may not feel it now, but in time you will. In time, you'll find another gal and this whole thing will just be a distant memory in your past. Good luck! :-)