Help! need love advice

[SoniaFahin]

Hi guys i would love to get advice from everyone here.
Im stuck in a very critical position. Im heartbroken and confused.
Here is my story
I loved a guy madly 7 years ago,we dated for a while like 6 months. But then he broke up with me,never actually found out the reason. I couldn't get over him and i was deeply hurt. Then another guy came into my life and he made me get over him, he fell in love with me like i was in love with the other guy. Anyway i got over him and stayed in a relationship with the same guy for 6 years.I don't really love him, but he loves me,he is more like my best friend to me.

Now when i'm all over the first guy, he returns,7 years later. He tells me reasons he is sorry he wanted to get back with me so he kissed me and i kissed him back (being in a relationship with the other guy since 6 years). After we kissed i said him that if he leaves me again i won't be able to get out of depression again. He left. After that he called me and said that if we can remain friends and that he doesnt want to hurt me again. I said ok. But i really love him. Im upset,broken,depressed all over again and i cant even tell my current boyfriend that i kissed my ex and i'm still in love with him. please help me what should i do?
And please dont judge me!

[geicoad]

Grass is never greener. Women don't truly like a guy madly loving them, that's the girls job. See, u chase the one who leaves u and doesn't care. Normal response.

[TheEvilJester]

Oh, believe me, no judgment here. I could be wrong, but I don't get the impression that you meant for this to happen. I don't get the impression that you meant to hurt your current boyfriend, nor do I get the intention that you kissed your ex while heartlessly not even considering your boyfriend. You were once, long ago, very into your ex. Not only that, but he left you and never really gave you closure. So, it is understandable why those feelings were so easily re-stirred in you.

To me, though, there are a couple very important details in your story.

Firstly.....

Your ex left you all that time ago without even the slightest consideration to talk to you about it or give you any closure. For, as far as you knew, no reason whatsoever, he just decided to leave you. Heck, even if he HAD reasons, he could have been a man and talked to you about it and given you both the chance to possibly work through it or decide TOGETHER it just wasn't going to work. Instead he took the coward's way out and just ran.

Is that really somebody you want to trust again? Okay, so 6 years is a long time and it is certainly possible he TRULY regrets what he did to you. So, if you feel he is sincere, feel free to forgive him and move on.... still, my personal advice would be NOT to get back with him. Of course, that is just me. If you honestly feel like he wouldn't do that to you again and honestly want to pursue a relationship with him, then that is your decision to make.

However, I would also say DO NOT enter into a relationship with him unless you first break up with your current boyfriend. It would be wrong of you to cheat on him, but I get a sense that you do realize that.

Now, in a situation like yours, I would usually also advise that you give your current relationship some serious thought. Decide if you really love your current boyfriend and are maybe just allowing yourself to get freaked out. If maybe by leaving him you could be throwing away the real thing just to see if, as geicoad put it, the grass is greener on the other side. However, it doesn't sound to me like you've ever really loved your boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I get you love him, but I mean it doesn't sound as though you are IN LOVE with him.

Believe me, I do not blame you for being with him anyway as I can understand. Especially after you got hurt before, I can see enjoying being with somebody who is madly in love with you. The thing is.... don't you think he deserves the same thing? He doesn't deserve to be with somebody who is just with him because he is such a great guy. He deserves to be with somebody who is with him because he is the right guy for them.

Just because he is a good guy does not automatically mean he's the right guy for you. That doesn't make you wrong if you don't love him like that. All the same, though, you've now been together 6 years and you describe him as more like your "best friend." Not only does he deserve somebody who is madly in love with him..... but don't you also think YOU deserve to be with somebody with whom you are madly in love?

So, honestly, if that is truly how you feel, it would probably be best to break up with him regardless of ANY other guy (your ex included). Again, though, that's just me. That's just my interpretation of your story. I could be wrong. That would really have to be your decision. And, by the same token, maybe your ex HAS changed and it could work now. It's just, from my personal experience, people rarely change. At least not with something like that. If he was heartless enough to do that to you in the past, I can't imagine that's changed. Believe me, I could be wrong. I don't know him. But that is just my personal gut reaction.

Good luck to you either way, though. I do sincerely hope you figure this all out and decide what is best for all parties involved. I hope it goes as well as can be for you and for all.

[SoniaFahin]

Thank you soooo much for such a great reply!
The thing is, you are right when he kissed me and all i was numb,i couldn't stop thinking that im cheating on the guy who loves me madly. After the kiss and all he said me stuff that i actually fell for him all over again, like he hadn't stopped loving me all these years and all the shit. He hasn't even contacted me after that day. He's a jerk i know, what hurts me is that i feel used,literally like a tissue paper. My mind knows this that he's an asshole and all,but i just can't stop thinking and feeling for him. My current boyfriend is far more better off than him in every way. But he used to be really handsome when we started dating, to be honest he is not handsome anymore and he has changed in 6 years, where as ive grown more beautiful, my ex is still handsome so maybe im just attracted more to him.
My current boyfriend loves me madly, even if i tell him this he will be broken but im sure he won't let me go. Seeing me depressed he has asked me 10000 times whats wrong with me, and that i could tell him whatever on earth it is, but i dont want to break his heart like mine.
I'm upset and heartbroken that as asshole broke my heart twice. He returned for a day only and when i turned down sex, he left. I pray and wish that i lose all my feelings for him and i really want someone to break his heart too so he undersands he can't use girls like a tissue paper.
Thanks for understanding

[Wakeup]

You may be "more beautiful" on the outside but on the inside you're shallow and you need professional help to get you over YOURSELF. You cant get over him because you can't comprehend how someone could reject your narcissistic self.

Its a shame that you use your boyfriend the way you do. You see it doesn't really matter that you didn't have intention to do the things you're stuck on or the things you've done. What matters is that you know what you did is wrong but you still pine to do them.

Get help and stop whining just because a guy rejected you. Being "more beautiful" can only get you so far in life... it doesn't get you everything you want and its time you accepted that fact.

You can't always get what you what, but if you try, sometimes you just might get what you need. You don't NEED the guy that doesn't want you.

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You say you "need love advise" What love advise? This man clearly does not love you, he never did and he simply had a sexual relationship with you that he ended when (i'll safely assume) you became far too involved considering it was just sexual. ... Then, you pre-meditatedly met up with this clown behind your current partners back. (how can that not be intentional, EJ?) with the intentions/hoping/desperate attempts to try and make him want you yet again.

I'm sorry but enabling dialogue is not what you need right now. What you need is a swift kick to the wake-the-fvck-up corner so that you get out of your own head and back into reality so that you can get over the douche you are fixated on.

[SoniaFahin]

Maybe you are right that is the reason. I just can't accept the fact that how can he reject me. Im talking injections to cure my depression. I'll be over it soon hopefully. And please dont be rude
I know he doesn't care, but i honestly don't know why am i drooling over that jerk. I don't know why am i so deeply hurt.

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I know he doesn't, but i love him i have no idea why. Actually he is a friend's friend so he said he wanted to talk about something going on in my friend's life, i never in my wildest dreams thought it would end like that or he wants me back even. I dont know how to fix myself, i know all the facts. This heartache is killing me!!

[Wakeup]

Go to your doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist. You are acting narcissistic, self-absorbed pre-teen.

You're a grown woman and if you don't have the emotional tools in place to figure this out on your own (it's so very obvious) then get help.

It's ridiculous that you have been carrying this torch for a womanizing douche bag that you only knew six mere months. The trouble is you don't want to get over your melancholia. You've made your sadness and obsessive thoughts of him your best friend.

Not being rude... just spelling it out for you without any enabling dialogue that allows you to continue to be in such a mental quagmire.

What good is you being "even more beautiful" if you're going to emit vibes of sadness and desperation? There is NO good in that.

[TheEvilJester]

Again, I'm not mind-reader, but it sounds like the problem, at least in part, is that you never really got over him. Likely due to the fact that he never gave you closure in the first place. After all, I can't imagine why you'd want to spend 6 years in a relationship with somebody that you say you don't really love in that way. I think, in part, it was an extreme reaction to the poor way you were treated by your ex. Your current fella treats you like a queen, and that feels really good after being discarded like refuse. So, you get trapped in enjoying that and before you know it you are in a relationship.

Six years is a long time. If you don't really love him in that way, you honestly should have made that determination a long time ago. If now, after 6 years, you still do not feel in love with him, then you really need to end it before things progress even further. I'm not meaning this to sound harsh or sound like I am judging you. I'm not. I can understand how you feel. Like I said before, though, don't you think he deserves to be with somebody who is as madly in love with him as he is with them? Do you really think he deserves to be so madly in love with somebody who, unbeknownst to him, only thinks of him as their best friend?

Yes, it will probably be hard on him if you break it off.... but he'll survive. Maybe he'll have a rough road to recovery, but he'll get better, he'll move on, and it will leave him free to find somebody who can love him the way he, the way ANYBODY would deserve to be loved. Frankly, don't you also deserve to be with somebody with whom you are madly in love? Do you really think it is in your best interest to settle for somebody you don't really love just because he's nice to you? You're cheating yourself as much as you are cheating him.

I do see Wakeup's point in that it obviously was intentional on your part to meet up with this guy after so long even though you were in a relationship. My point is just, unless I am wrong, I don't think you necessarily did it intending to hurt your current fella. Granted, speaking from a level head, how could you NOT see that it would hurt him? However, you likely weren't exactly thinking with a level head. This guy once had a spell on you, and clearly that spell is not completely gone.

If nothing else, I hope this experience helped at least get you started in ridding yourself of the spell this jerk put on you. Before you didn't get closure. I wouldn't necessarily say you did this time either, but the thing is you DID see that he has not changed. Six/seven years later and he can still swoop into your life, act like Duan Juan, but then just disappear again. Obviously he doesn't deserve you, nor does he deserve anybody until he can grow the Hell up.

In time, you WILL get over him. I know it's been six/seven years and it seems you didn't, but that is likely more due to the fact that you never really dealt with it. You probably just pushed it aside/bottled it up. Hence, you thought you were over it, and yet he comes back all these years later and its like he never left.

So, part of my advice would be DO NOT push it aside this time. It may hurt, but allow yourself to feel that pain and work through it. It will stop hurting in time, but if you just push it aside you are likely to repeat the same mistakes again. Even if it winds up not being him, but some equally pathetic loser who treats women like an accomplishment.

Again, I cannot tell you what to do, but it sounds to me like it would be best if you end things with your boyfriend. You are basically describing my worst nightmare. After all I've been through in my life, and my love-life, if I could ever actually bring myself to love again, the LAST thing in the world I'd want is to be stuck with somebody with whom I'm madly in love..... only for them to secretly not really love me. Don't do that to this guy. If he's as good a guy as you say, he surely doesn't deserve that.

Good luck to you. Seriously. I wish you the best and hope that you can find your way out of this situation and into the light. I definitely know the feeling of hopelessness with depression. I've battled it, and to some degree probably always will. So, I know how tough that battle can be, and I wish you the best in fighting the good fight.

[Kingky]

You sir, have read my mind regarding my reaction and comments on this post. Poor guy! 6years with someone who doesn't love him! a nightmare indeed. I wish the Original Poster the best in her recovery and should definitely forget about her EX as he proved for a 2nd time after 6yrs that he is not into her like that and was probably looking for some of his ex's to hook-up with (many guys and girls do this) but didn't go through with it when OP told him her true feelings.

I suggest to the OP to focus on finding inner happiness without needing anyone else for it. After she achieves this, the rest is old news! I wish her the best and the best for her current BF who is in for a rude awakening...

Again, I'm not mind-reader, but it sounds like the problem, at least in part, is that you never really got over him. Likely due to the fact that he never gave you closure in the first place. After all, I can't imagine why you'd want to spend 6 years in a relationship with somebody that you say you don't really love in that way. I think, in part, it was an extreme reaction to the poor way you were treated by your ex. Your current fella treats you like a queen, and that feels really good after being discarded like refuse. So, you get trapped in enjoying that and before you know it you are in a relationship.

Six years is a long time. If you don't really love him in that way, you honestly should have made that determination a long time ago. If now, after 6 years, you still do not feel in love with him, then you really need to end it before things progress even further. I'm not meaning this to sound harsh or sound like I am judging you. I'm not. I can understand how you feel. Like I said before, though, don't you think he deserves to be with somebody who is as madly in love with him as he is with them? Do you really think he deserves to be so madly in love with somebody who, unbeknownst to him, only thinks of him as their best friend?

Yes, it will probably be hard on him if you break it off.... but he'll survive. Maybe he'll have a rough road to recovery, but he'll get better, he'll move on, and it will leave him free to find somebody who can love him the way he, the way ANYBODY would deserve to be loved. Frankly, don't you also deserve to be with somebody with whom you are madly in love? Do you really think it is in your best interest to settle for somebody you don't really love just because he's nice to you? You're cheating yourself as much as you are cheating him.

I do see Wakeup's point in that it obviously was intentional on your part to meet up with this guy after so long even though you were in a relationship. My point is just, unless I am wrong, I don't think you necessarily did it intending to hurt your current fella. Granted, speaking from a level head, how could you NOT see that it would hurt him? However, you likely weren't exactly thinking with a level head. This guy once had a spell on you, and clearly that spell is not completely gone.

If nothing else, I hope this experience helped at least get you started in ridding yourself of the spell this jerk put on you. Before you didn't get closure. I wouldn't necessarily say you did this time either, but the thing is you DID see that he has not changed. Six/seven years later and he can still swoop into your life, act like Duan Juan, but then just disappear again. Obviously he doesn't deserve you, nor does he deserve anybody until he can grow the Hell up.

In time, you WILL get over him. I know it's been six/seven years and it seems you didn't, but that is likely more due to the fact that you never really dealt with it. You probably just pushed it aside/bottled it up. Hence, you thought you were over it, and yet he comes back all these years later and its like he never left.

So, part of my advice would be DO NOT push it aside this time. It may hurt, but allow yourself to feel that pain and work through it. It will stop hurting in time, but if you just push it aside you are likely to repeat the same mistakes again. Even if it winds up not being him, but some equally pathetic loser who treats women like an accomplishment.

Again, I cannot tell you what to do, but it sounds to me like it would be best if you end things with your boyfriend. You are basically describing my worst nightmare. After all I've been through in my life, and my love-life, if I could ever actually bring myself to love again, the LAST thing in the world I'd want is to be stuck with somebody with whom I'm madly in love..... only for them to secretly not really love me. Don't do that to this guy. If he's as good a guy as you say, he surely doesn't deserve that.

Good luck to you. Seriously. I wish you the best and hope that you can find your way out of this situation and into the light. I definitely know the feeling of hopelessness with depression. I've battled it, and to some degree probably always will. So, I know how tough that battle can be, and I wish you the best in fighting the good fight.

[TheEvilJester]

That is a very good point, and I will echo that sentiment. Find happiness in yourself that doesn't require a partner. Once you can find your content center without need of anybody else, it will be so much easier to find the right somebody else. You can look out of wanting to, but not NEEDING to, which is really the best way to find somebody. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying when you find the right person you don't "need" them in certain ways. Just saying that the only person without whom you absolutely cannot live is yourself. Having others in our lives is important and great, but the best place to find happiness is within.

By the way, Kingky, I don't read minds. That's crazy talk. ...By the way, you were thinking of the number 2,578. :-)