Trying to work out our relationship

[lolahsieh]

Hello all,

I'm wondering if you could give me some advice.

My ex and I recently broke up after a 1yr relationship. I have been trying to get her back in the last few days but I have found out that she is now using tinder. We discussed for a bit and she said she's using it to distract herself from feeling down. I have told her that I really want our relationship to work, that I wanted to make a future with her. She said she still loves for me and cares but needed time to think and consider because she thinks that our relationship is unstable and we might end up breaking up again.

I know I can't stop her from using it but I have told her that I feel really insecure and worthless. I told her that I respected her view that she needed space/time to think through and I asked her if she still valued our relationship to stop using tinder for now and really take the time to reflect on us. (is this too much to ask of her?) She agreed that she wouldn't use it but I have found out recently she is still on it and chatting to other guys. Where I come from is a really small place, so everybody kinda know's everyone. I have had calls from friends and friends friends saying that they have noticed her on and chatting. I felt so sick in the stomach, I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed. I know I don't really have the right to say "betrayed" because originally I did end our relationship with her but even after a promise and giving me her word she still continues.

Should I approach her? What should I do? I really do love her and want to make our relationship better again. This is really driving me crazy.

Please if you could offer some advice I would be greatly greatly appreciated!

[geicoad]

Its not u, its me, I just want to bang other dudes. Ignore, get a hobby, have fun, and they will hunt u down like an animal

[TheEvilJester]

Believe me, I do understand how you feel. However, you two broke up. You didn't say you two decided to "take a break." You broke up. Meaning at the time, in both your minds, it was over. Now, that doesn't automatically mean you can't or shouldn't try again if you so desire. However, once you two broke up, you didn't owe each other anything.

So, don't misunderstand when I say this, but it isn't really your place to ask her not to use sites like tinder or to date other guys. You two broke up. If she wants to date other guys, or even just chat them up on tinder, that is her decision. IF she decides to give you another chance, then yeah, that activity should cease and you'd be right to be upset if it did not.

Don't get me wrong, I definitely understand how you feel, but I think it would be best NOT to act on this. Maybe that is just me, but I think it would be best to just let that go. Think of it like this... if you were just starting to date a new girl and were not yet serious/exclusive, would you expect her not to date other men or use dating sites? As of right now, you two are not together at all. Maybe that will change. Maybe she'll decide she'd like to give you another shot. But, unless that happens you two are still officially broken up.

That said, if you want a second chance, then just continue to pursue that. Give her some time and if she doesn't get back to you, ask her once again if she sees it as a possibility. However, don't wait around too long. As much as it is in her rights to be unsure if she can see giving it another shot, it would NOT be right of her to string you along forever without just deciding. So, if after whatever seems a reasonable amount of time to you, she still gives such uncertain answers, then it is likely time for you to just move on.

Good luck. Either way, I hope things turn out well for you.

[lolahsieh]

Hi Jester!

Thank you very much for your words.

I'm more disappointed in the fact that she gave me her word that she would stop but still continues. Loyalty is everything to me, as I have trust issues because of her past actions.

I have always been the type of guy who only focuses one at a time, I would never date two or more people at a time.

I don't think I could be with her again if she saw other guys and then come back to say continue our relationship because it didn't work out with them.

[TheEvilJester]

I do agree with you about the loyalty aspect. Again, with you two broken up, she was perfectly within her rights to date other guys and/or use dating sites..... but if she had no intention of ceasing that activity, she should have just been honest with you. Giving you her word she would stop, and then just doing it anyway, isn't exactly a good first step. I mean, especially considering you two just recently broke up, so if she is entertaining the possibility of you two getting back together, she should be giving that her full attention instead of still dating around.

Still, it's possible maybe she just doesn't see it the same way. Again, you two were broken up. Though that still doesn't really excuse her being dishonest about it.

I will also say this... I do agree with your sentiment about not being interested in her if she comes back to you simply because she dated other guys and that didn't work out. If she were to decide she wants to give you another shot, it should be because she wants a chance to recapture what you two had and get you back on track.... not because things didn't work out for her otherwise so she comes crawling back to you like you are her only option. You should not be anybody's consolation prize.

Of course, it could be possible that dating other guys would be what it takes to make her realize that she really wants to be with you.... but even if that did happen, I couldn't necessarily blame you if that still didn't feel right to you.

Anyway, it sounds like she either is undecided right now about whether or not to give you two another chance, or she is pretty firmly set against it. You won't really know unless you keep trying. As I said, though, just don't wait around too long. There are two people in every break-up. I doubt that she was 100% innocent in the things that caused the break-up, so you certainly don't deserve to be jerked around. Sure, I get it could be a tough decision, but it is one she needs to make and make with you. If she doesn't/won't, then I think that is your answer and a good time to move on.

Good luck to you. Whatever happens, I hope it works out for the best for you.

[lolahsieh]

Thank you Jester for your words and wisdom!

It is greatly appreciated.

[Wakeup]

you have trust issues with her because she is untrustworthy. She told you she agreed to go off of Tinder and be alone while she thinks about a relationship with you and she clearly lied.

Should I approach her?

No. Just join Tinder and get on with your life without her.

BTW: Tinder is basically just a hook up site so don't expect to find a LIFEmate through that venue.

[Alopolo]

Hello all,

I'm wondering if you could give me some advice.

My ex and I recently broke up after a 1yr relationship. I have been trying to get her back in the last few days but I have found out that she is now using tinder. We discussed for a bit and she said she's using it to distract herself from feeling down. I have told her that I really want our relationship to work, that I wanted to make a future with her. She said she still loves for me and cares but needed time to think and consider because she thinks that our relationship is unstable and we might end up breaking up again.

I know I can't stop her from using it but I have told her that I feel really insecure and worthless. I told her that I respected her view that she needed space/time to think through and I asked her if she still valued our relationship to stop using tinder for now and really take the time to reflect on us. (is this too much to ask of her?) She agreed that she wouldn't use it but I have found out recently she is still on it and chatting to other guys. Where I come from is a really small place, so everybody kinda know's everyone. I have had calls from friends and friends friends saying that they have noticed her on and chatting. I felt so sick in the stomach, I don't know what to do. I feel betrayed. I know I don't really have the right to say "betrayed" because originally I did end our relationship with her but even after a promise and giving me her word she still continues.

Should I approach her? What should I do? I really do love her and want to make our relationship better again. This is really driving me crazy.

Please if you could offer some advice I would be greatly greatly appreciated!

stop all prsuit of her now. i have been there and done that. even if you telling her how much you want her worked, it will not last long. give her space and let her come to you. if she does truely love you she will chase you and not the other way around. so based on my experience just let her go and explore and you should feel confident that you deserve better than that. find a new soul mate and as mentioned above a healthy hobby.

if she does approach you, ask her to come to you...somewhere where you guys could be alone and something romantic can happen. also avoid talking about your emotions ans how you feel about her in general. you gotta come accross as Not needy and as though you have a lot of options. be confident but dont be cocky.

[lolahsieh]

you have trust issues with her because she is untrustworthy. She told you she agreed to go off of Tinder and be alone while she thinks about a relationship with you and she clearly lied.

No. Just join Tinder and get on with your life without her.

BTW: Tinder is basically just a hook up site so don't expect to find a LIFEmate through that venue.

Hi Wakeup,

Thanks for your reply.

We actually met through tinder originally and our relationship last over 1yr. I know deep down she is a good girl and she wouldn't purposely hurt me.

She said she used tinder to chat with others to test if she still loves/misses/needs me. But we have spoken since I started this thread and she is off it for good.

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stop all prsuit of her now. i have been there and done that. even if you telling her how much you want her worked, it will not last long. give her space and let her come to you. if she does truely love you she will chase you and not the other way around. so based on my experience just let her go and explore and you should feel confident that you deserve better than that. find a new soul mate and as mentioned above a healthy hobby.

if she does approach you, ask her to come to you...somewhere where you guys could be alone and something romantic can happen. also avoid talking about your emotions ans how you feel about her in general. you gotta come accross as Not needy and as though you have a lot of options. be confident but dont be cocky.

Hi Alopolo,

Thank you for your advice. I will keep it in mind.

[Alopolo]

Hi Wakeup,

Thanks for your reply.

We actually met through tinder originally and our relationship last over 1yr. I know deep down she is a good girl and she wouldn't purposely hurt me.

She said she used tinder to chat with others to test if she still loves/misses/needs me. But we have spoken since I started this thread and she is off it for good.

- - - Updated - - -



Hi Alopolo,

Thank you for your advice. I will keep it in mind.

i think you are wasting your time with her.

[TheEvilJester]

be confident but dont be cocky.

I think this is particularly good advice. As Alopolo says, I think this is one situation where it is a good idea to act as though she is not your only option if and when you two do interact and/or discuss your relationship possibly renewing. At the same time, though, you don't want to overdo it or seem showy about it. One, that would likely just come across as obviously fake anyway and two, it could have the reverse effect from what you'd intend. In other words, rather than to make her think she'd better move fast rather than lose you, it may cause her to think twice about wanting you back anyway.

It's sort of a balancing act. You don't want to act too desperate, beg her back or anything like that, yet at the same time that doesn't have to mean you don't try to get her back if that is what you want. I think you've seen that most of us responding don't honestly think you should even bother to try to get her back, but obviously that is not our decision to make. Nor can we know for sure whether or not it is the right decision given your situation. It is just what we think is likely best/what we'd do in your same situation. If you personally do want to try again and sincerely think it could work, then more power to you. Just, again, pursue wisely and with caution so to avoid being hurt as best you can.

Good luck to you either way. Whatever you ultimately decide to do, I hope it works out very well for you.