Is true love real, or is it always a compromise?

[themusicroob]

I used to think I was in love, and even after I fell out of it I still said that it was true love for a long time afterwards. Now I'm not so sure. I'm with someone I love, but I don't think I'm in love with them. I've heard a lot of people say true love is compromise: finding someone you work with; realising how lucky you are to be with them etc. That's not what I'm asking. I'm asking if you can be with someone and know, categorically, (even if it later turns out not to be true) that you don't ever want to be with anyone else. I think if I was in love the first time, it was because I didn't believe I'd ever find someone else like her. If that was true love, then I can't be in love that way any more; I'm not naive enough. Is there anyone here who can tell me they met someone after thinking they were in love multiple times - love where they talked themselves into by telling themselves how lucky they were and how perfect the person was - and this new person made them realise what true love was; that it existed without talking yourself into it, without a passing infatuation, requited and confirmed? If it doesn't really exist I can make do with what I have. I can start using those words to mean what I feel, if they don't refer to anything more profound that actually exists. But if there's a chance I could have what people write about in love songs then I know this has to end before long. I'm not quite jaded enough yet to believe that this is all love is.

[MiaMathews]

It's always a compromise! But you should see the line between having a compromise and betraying who you really are. Like I gave up smoking as my SO doesn't and I knew it was unpleasant for him to kiss me, he asked me to, and at last I knew that was a terrible habit. But I won't stop listening to the music I like as it makes me who I am in some way and I won't ever give up anything that means a lot for me. But there always are those little annoying things that you can stop doing to show your SO you're really trying.

[themusicroob]

Hi Mia, thanks for the reply. I think maybe I've mis-phrased the question slightly. What I meant by compromise is not so much in the sense of behaviour, but the feeling that you've settled. That there could be someone else out there better for you, who you'd rather be with, but you won't meet them because you've already committed.

[melancholia]

If you feel like you've settled, you're not in love. You can be in love with more than one person, definitely. You can also trick yourself into believing you love someone, because you fear that you may not find someone better. Which isn't settling so much as it is the inability to recognize that you deserve better from a relationship.

[themusicroob]

Thanks melancholia. Problem is, she's like the nicest girl in the world, and really deserves to be happy. I know it'll crush her if I leave, particularly if I'm honest about it, because as far as she knows no one's ever been in love with her. Plus I don't want it to end. She's the best person I've ever been with, there just isn't that spark...

[melancholia]

Maybe you aren't allowing yourself to be completely vulnerable with her, and that's why it's difficult for you to fully submerge yourself into loving this person. It sounds like you are confused about your feelings. On one hand, you don't feel an exciting connection, but then you describe her as "the best person [you've] ever been with". It sounds to me like you need to take more time to feel things out in the relationship, which is fair enough. But you don't want to settle for someone you have a lackluster relationship with, and you certainly shouldn't be with someone out of pity, because when you say "she deserves to be happy. I know it'll crush her if I leave," it sounds like you think her world will end if your relationship does, which is unhealthy, and also probably not true. Having said that, what improvements do you think could be made within your relationship to make it better than it is now?

[themusicroob]

I don't think anything could be better. We have fun, we never argue and I can be open with her. I know I'm lucky to be with her but I don't feel lucky. And I don't want to fall in love with her. I want to be with someone who challenges me intellectually, who shares my interests and who I can stay up all night with talking about metaphysics. But the thought of leaving her makes me want to cry. I was a tragic mess before I met her. I think it would crush her if I left but I know she'd recover. Maybe really I'm more worried about myself, which is worse because it means I'm using her. I just live in fear of the day she stops saying she loves me and says she's in love with me, because I can't lie to her. Is it wrong to wait for that to happen? Thank you so much for your advice by the way, I really appreciate it.

[MiaMathews]

You know, that's incredibly important for everyone to be loved. Not just to be loved back, but to be LOVED. And if don't love her that much why don't you take a possibility to be loved that way by someone else away from her?

[TheEvilJester]

Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to say love is not romantic and magical in its own way..... However, there is not "one true love" out there for each person. What I mean by that is that there isn't just one person who could be your true match. In other words, you once felt truly and fully in love with a gal, but in the end that did not work out. However, that does NOT mean that she was your one chance and it is now over. You could meet somebody else for whom you feel just as devoted and in love.

One important thing to remember is that your first love is always a special experience. You might not always quite feel the same way as when you first fell in love with somebody.... but that is more to do with it being the first time you ever fell in love and not so much because of the specific person. In other words, say your first love was Girl A, and then later you fall in love with Girl B. It may seem to you like you were more in love with Girl A when, in reality, had it been the other way around and Girl B was your first love, you'd be saying the same about Girl A.

Now, that said, you also should not "settle." As melancholia says, if you honestly are feeling like you settled, then you aren't really in love. You do have to seriously have an internal debate with yourself about that, though. Are you just holding yourself back because you are worried it will just end again? Or, are you sincerely giving it your all, but you are just not that into this new gal? Just because she is a good person that doesn't automatically mean she is the right person for you.

That is just a double-edged sword. On the one hand, don't you think she deserves somebody who is as madly in love with her as she is with them? Don't you think she deserves somebody who isn't doubting whether or not they love her, but is falling all over themselves to be with her? ..... But by the same token, don't you also feel like YOU deserve to be with somebody from whom you feel that way? Do you really think you deserve to stay with somebody when you feel like you are just settling?

So, that is a question you really need to answer.... Do you feel you are just settling with her, or do you feel like you are just holding yourself back and that you COULD be madly in love with her if you'd let yourself. That's not something we can really answer. Only you will know. That is what will tell you what you should do about this particular situation.

There are always compromises in love, but it shouldn't BE a compromise, if that makes sense. Good luck to you. I sincerely do hope you figure out what you think is best and that it goes well for all involved.

[fearoflove]

LOL. "Love" is a urban legend. Only exist in fairy tales and fiction.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed. Love, as it is portrayed in fairy tales, just isn't real, nor is it realistic. That doesn't mean it doesn't exist, it just isn't exactly what a lot of pop culture would have us believe. I think that sort of crap ruins the experience for too many people. Don't get me wrong. It can be great, I'm not saying it doesn't have its own magical feeling. It can feel like all those fairy tales come true at first.... but the thing is you eventually come out of that whole "honeymoon" phase. Which is honestly NOT a bad thing. At that point, you're past the "magical" time where you think the person is basically perfection personified. You know them, you see them, warts and all, yet still love them. That can/should be when love because even better....

But I think too many people are too hung up on that honeymoon, magical, fairy tale image of love. They miss what REAL love could be because they are too transfixed by that supposedly "magical" time when everything is still exciting and new.

Not that any of that really matters to me. The monsters in those stories never get the girl. Even so, I may not believe it exists for me, but I do believe love exists. Just, people too often misunderstand it and take for granted how great it can be..... and the fact that it can actually be even so much better when that honeymoon phase wears off.