My fiancée wants to be friends with her ex who was her first love.

[Guychi]

My Fiancée who I love and adore very much and always tells me she loves me and I am the most important part of her life (daily) started talking to her ex last night under the premis that he still has her dog she got when she were together and she wants to know how the dog is and by the time I got back from work she had been talking for most of the night (while I was at work). I told her I wasn't ok with this but she told me that even though it was a terrible relationship he was still a good person and a big part of her past but it's still not ok with me.
From what I could grasp he still wants her back from the extensive messages about how he regrets the choices he made that lead to her breaking up with him and how he hates the fact she is getting married.

From this I am getting that he still wants her back and she is willingly engaging him in this topic which I think is not cool what so ever.

I have told her that I won't tell her she can't talk to him she is her own person and she can make her own choices but it doesn't mean I have to like it so I said to her I would try be ok with it under three conditions;

1. She does not talk to him when we are having us time so not at all when I am around (even after agreeing she was still talking to him for half an hour after this point and when I asked she said that she cant just end the conversation so I told her to tell him she is going to bed and now I feel like she is just going to talk to him behind my back).

2. He must never think he is going to be her best friend that is me.

3. He must never never ever get under the assumption that he would have any chance of getting back with her and if he ever thinks he can or tries I will break his fingers one by one.
I will say that I stopped talking to a good friend who lives in Australlia because she said the friend liked me but she doesnt stop talking to her ex for me Which I feel is unfair.

[Illusional]

if you are a secure person, then this will never bother you. my wife talks to her first love on a regular basis. in fact, he helps her parents out once in a while too. they are good friends and he handles some of her financial matters, being that her parents are in a different country.

the past is the past, nothing more.

raverboy

[TheEvilJester]

I actually have to respectfully disagree, Illusional. Though, I will say this.... I think it is awesome if you actually CAN be okay with that, and if your wife can actually keep in touch with her ex in a way that is still respectful and fair both to you and to him.

However, I think it is unfair to expect your current significant other to be okay with you keeping in touch with an ex. When it comes right down to it, it's not even a matter of trust, or lack-there-of. That's something where even the noblest, most trusting of us can have a hard time feeling okay with that. That's a situation where, even when you know, with every fiber of your being, that you can trust your partner.... there's often still part of you that just doesn't feel okay with it. You can't even really explain why. You could 100% trust that your partner would NEVER do anything to hurt you.... but it still just doesn't feel right.

Your ex is your ex for a reason, and they should stay in your past. That isn't to say you can't be friendly. Heck, you can even keep in touch from time to time. It's awesome if she can emerge from the pain of their break-up and be mature enough to realize he is a good person even if he may not be the one for her. That's great, It's just, when it comes to an ex, I don't see any reason (at least in 999 cases out of 1000) why you'd bother to remain FRIENDS with them. In other words, stay in contact with them regularly.

Furthermore, not only is she wronging Guychi, but she's sort of wronging her ex too. If he still has feelings for her, but she does not feel the same way, then she's leading him on, and that is almost just as unfair to him as it is to Guychi. It seemed to me like she basically brushed off your feelings. How would she feel if the reverse were the case? If you were talking to some ex of yours, and not only that, but she so obviously wanted you back?

At the end of the day, if her friendship with him is important enough to her that she doesn't want to end it, then that is her decision. However, that doesn't mean you just have to be okay with that. It is understandable if you are not, and it is understandable if that is make or break for you. I think it would be for a lot of people. I hope it doesn't have to come to that. Hopefully she can either realize that there is no reason to have him regularly in her life.... or she can at least find a reasonable balance with which you will feel happy. However, if she can't do that, then I hope you care enough about yourself to realize you deserve better than that.

No need to break any fingers (believe me, though, I know how you feel, so no judgment here). No need to give her an ultimatum. If she cares about you the way she should, she would not want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. If she cares, she'd at least care enough to continue this friendship in a way that still makes you feel comfortable. Frankly, like I said, I personally see no reason to remain friends with an ex, but if that is important to her, then at least she should do so in a way that does not cross any boundaries.

If she can't do that, or you can't feel comfortable with it, it would be understandable if that is just too much for you. Good luck.

To be perfectly honest, Guychi, what I don't like about this story is the fact that you HAD to give her these "rules" in the first place. Maybe I'm misinterpreting, but the way she reacted seems really disrespectful to me.

[myers5061]

Have to agree with theeviljester. Exes are a thing of the past, so keeping in touch with them is rather weird if not disrespectful to your partner. You need to talk it through and clearly point out how you feel about all this stuff.

[Wakeup]

If nothing else, she's being disrespectful and indifferent to your feelings on the subject and that's concerning.

Thing is there is nothing wrong with it if you both agree to it but since you do not, she should at least be able to follow the compromises that you came up with so that she could still continue on in her interaction with him within boundaries. She doesn't even want to do that and has already crossed some of them.

You may want to point out to her that she is being disrespectful in her interaction with him and her indifference to your feeling son the subject.

[TheEvilJester]

This is sort of irrelevant to the point, but I honestly can't necessarily understand why somebody would WANT to be such close friends with an ex anyway. I mean, I could understand if the relationship (even the ending of it) wasn't SO bad maybe wanting to remain friendly with them. In other words, like if you happened to run into them at the same party, you wouldn't hurl fireballs at their face hoping they go up in flames, but all the same you don't go out of your way to talk to/hang out with them. I mean, to me it just seems counterproductive to your growth as a human being.

I think sometimes we, as human beings, need to learn when somebody just doesn't belong in our life. It doesn't mean you hold onto hurt feelings, or hold onto hatred. You shouldn't actively hate somebody or the person that truly hurts most is yourself. At the same time, though, letting go of hate and healing from hurt doesn't HAVE to mean letting people back into your life. It can mean you harbor no ill will.... but realize they have no place in your life. Honestly, in most cases it just strikes me as unhealthy to remain friends with an ex. There are exceptions, sure, but in general just not a good idea.

[Kittie22]

Your right, she shouldnt still text him.

Ive been in a relationship for eight months now, but i still have feelings for my ex. We were together for 8 years and i broke it off because he had seemed to stop loving me.

I think if she really loved him in the past, she will remember their time together and miss him and even wonder about what could have been. Im telling you this from my own experience, i love my bf but i cant help but think about my ex, even though i havent seen him since the breakup. He texted me the other day (nothing romantic or anything) and i shouldnt have responded but i did because i miss him. But i think it made it worse.

Theres too many memories i think for exes to be friends or even talk. That is of course, unless the two didnt truly love one another or werent together for very long. The bond doesnt go deep in that case.

[lovesickheart]

Guychi, I think you already know the answer. I think you only gave her these ultimatums because you know she is going to keep doing whatever she wants anyway. There is no way in hell you are okay with this in any way, its hurtful. And she was doing all of this right in front of you? Rude and disrespectful!
I think EvilJester said it all. I cant be so kind about it, I feel sick of all these people that are in relationships and keep putting their focus in the past. I hope everything works out for you. But I don't think you should be so kind about this texting stuff. I think you should keep it real about how hurtful and disrespectful it is.
Good luck, and Im sorry youre having to deal with this.

[TheEvilJester]

I most definitely hear you on that, lovesick. I would nearly literally KILL to have a girlfriend (Well, not so much anymore, but normally....), and yet so many people have a relationship and yet don't appreciate it. That's not directed at Kittie, by the way. Kittie, I can understand how you feel. You were with somebody for 8 years. It can be hard to just turn that off. Believe me, in time you will get over him. But, you are definitely right that keeping your distance would be best. He shouldn't have texted you, and if/when he does in the future, you really should do your best to just ignore it, or at least just be politely dismissive. You need time to heal from that relationship, and it can be hard not to have old feelings crop back up if you keep in touch with the person. I know you know that already, so I just say this to offer support. Believe me, in time you WILL find the strength to put that relationship 100% in your past.

Back to the main topic, though....

I am more so describing people like Guychi's girlfriend. She has a boyfriend now. Somebody who obviously cares for her very much. Yet, instead of appreciating that, she's still dwelling in the past and allowing her ex to sniff around her. No matter how much she may claim she's no longer interested in him in that way, and no matter how true that may or may not be, it is disrespectful to Guychi. It would be a million times different if Guychi didn't care. Then no big deal. But, he does, and I can't imagine anybody wouldn't at least be a little bothered by that. Most people would. Hell, it would even be a different story if they just randomly kept in touch once in a blue moon, but for them to be constantly in contact is just wrong.

Good luck. You deserve better. Either she can shape up and BE that better, or she doesn't deserve you anyway.