Hot/Cold behavior from a girl...need advice

[amj1979]

I'm very confused and upset over a girl's hot and cold behavior. Would really appreciate a woman's perspective on this. Apologies in advance for the length of the post.

Yesterday a girl I dated (4 dates over 6 weeks) ended things for the second time. Originally she did so after our second date (and after agreeing to a third date)...no romantic connection for her. I didn't get that vibe from her AT ALL and was stunned. I'm 37 years old and have enough experience to read situations properly. The girl is almost 30, FYI. So I started to move on.

Fast forward 2 weeks to her calling me out of the blue. She really wanted to see me again and asked if I'd be interested in going out with her. We talked for a long time, and the chemistry was better than ever. I asked what happened, and the girl just said she didn't really give us a fair chance. I doubt it was the full story, but not the time to press. We made plans to see each other the next day - Valentine's Day (her idea). She texted me shortly after that she was so glad she called me and I made her day, that I made her blush multiple times on the phone, and she was so excited to get to spend Valentine's Day with me. So on Valentine's Day she wrote me a very sweet card telling me (among other things) how special I make her feel and asking me to be her valentine. We couldn't keep our hands off each other. She kept wanting to extend the day and we ended up spending 10 hours together! According to the girl it was a "perfect day." I can't imagine faking something like that, so I was pretty convinced her feelings were real.

She said "of course!" to another date and we made plans for Wednesday night. Everything was great (teasing, flirting, etc.) at dinner. She even made a comment about when she "starts spending the night at my place." After dinner her demeanor did a complete 180 out of nowhere. Toward the end of our night (at a movie) I put my hand on her leg, and she actually LIFTED IT OFF! Where was this coming from?!?! I got a hug goodbye (yikes), and then a text to thank me for the date, tell me she got home safe, and to say goodnight. The next afternoon I got a LONG text thanking me for Valentine's Day, for "wooing her," telling me what a great guy I am, etc. But...no romantic connection for her. She apologized multiple times in her text.

How could the girl have changed SO much between Sunday (V-Day) and our next date a couple days later? Not to mention between dinner and the movie on Wednesday! I'm of course really upset because I was certain we had a connection and definitely liked this girl. The hot/cold extremes have really confused me. Why go through the effort of calling me again, writing the Valentine's Day card, spending an entire day with me, and being SO affectionate? And wouldn't she have known on date 1 if she wasn't into me? I don't know if I should feel led on and used, or just chalk it up to an unstable person showing their true colors? Please take a moment to share your thoughts...I could use them right now. Thank you!

[smackie9]

Wow she used you! She didn't want to be alone for Valentines day so she called you up, knowing you really liked her....you were an easy play.

[amj1979]

Hi Smackie9...thanks so much for commenting. Although I wanted to believe otherwise, my first thought was exactly what you suggested. It just seems like you'd need to be a truly horrible person to be able to do that to someone and not really care. I just can't believe someone would go through the trouble of writing such a heartfelt (I thought) Valentine's Day card, being so affectionate throughout the entire day, and spending 10 hours with me. I didn't mention this, but I surprised her with a few white roses that day. That got me a big kiss, and she put them on her nightstand when she got home so she could see them in the morning. She sent me a picture so I could see. Doesn't that seem like an awful lot of trouble to go through just for some attention? Maybe that tells me what a relationship with this person would be like, but still. I guess it's entirely possible this girl was not the good person she portrayed herself to be!

[myers5061]

Forget about her. She's using you to her advantage, because she knows you'll buy it. Move on.

[amj1979]

Forget about her. She's using you to her advantage, because she knows you'll buy it. Move on.

Hi myers5061...thank you so much for taking the time to respond! Obviously it would have been difficult to know it at the time, but I think you're absolutely right. As I mentioned above, it's pretty messed up to intentionally toy with someone's feelings like that. The way she acted towards me on Valentine's Day, anyone around would have sworn we were newlyweds or something. To be that fake and have such a complete lack of conscience or empathy is scary. Not the type of person I want to be with, obviously. And if the first 4 dates were such a roller coaster ride, I can only imagine what a relationship with her would be like! It's always a good bruise to the ego when this stuff happens, but we've all been on both sides before. I deleted her texts and photos the day she ended things, so no issues there. It takes time to stop thinking about a person, but definitely moving on.