Is breaking up via text ever acceptable?

[amj1979]

A girl I'd been dating over the course of 6 weeks ended things by sending a text message in the middle of my work day. This was actually the second time she ended things, and first time around (after our second date) she did so the same way. You may have seen my other post about the breakup, but it got me thinking about something else. I realize we're in the year 2016 and things have changed in terms of what's acceptable in the dating world. A lot of people text as their primary form of contact in general. However, I still feel there are circumstances when it is simply not respectful or appropriate to handle things via text. A breakup is at the top of the list. Though not ideal, I can at least defend sending a text after one or two dates. There's no real emotional attachment at that point, and no commitments have been made. A text is at least better than simply disappearing, although even that is considered semi-acceptable these days. However, once you're past the first couple dates - let's say date 3 onward - I firmly believe no less than a phone call is the "right way" to address the situation. Otherwise you're essentially telling the person you're breaking up with they deserve no more than that text message. And it saves the breaker from having to actually deal with the emotions of the breakee. In my specific case, I received the breakup text in the middle of my work day which felt even worse. The other person had to know I wouldn't be able to respond as a normally would. I'd love to open this discussion to the group about if/when texting is ever okay for a breakup. Am I just getting old and out of touch, or do you agree with my thoughts on the matter? Should be a fun debate!

[melancholia]

Whether you think her method of the break up was acceptable or not, she decided to end things with you in a way she felt comfortable to do so. It may not seem fair, and it may not be the way you would handle things, but what's done is done. Like you said in your post, "we're in the year 2016 and things have changed in terms of what's acceptable in the dating world. A lot of people text as their primary form of contact in general".

I personally think it depends on the situation and the level of commitment you agreed to. I do agree it's pretty callous and cowardly to break up via text; but not everyone thinks about it the same way. A lot of people lack capability to be vulnerable in front of other people, and having conversations like a break up, or "where is this going?" can be difficult for people to articulate in person. So in order to absolve themselves of the discomfort of a difficult conversation, they hide behind technology. When you don't have to see the face of the person you are hurting, it's much easier to do it. I am not saying that it's cool, or that it's a favorable way to handle things, I'm just saying that a lot of people seem to prefer that approach nowadays.

I hope you can pick yourself up and move forward from this with a positive mindset. It sucks to get dumped, especially via text/email/social media; but you are better off for it in the long run and it leaves your door open for another amazing person to show up.

[amj1979]

Whether you think her method of the break up was acceptable or not, she decided to end things with you in a way she felt comfortable to do so. It may not seem fair, and it may not be the way you would handle things, but what's done is done. Like you said in your post, "we're in the year 2016 and things have changed in terms of what's acceptable in the dating world. A lot of people text as their primary form of contact in general".

I personally think it depends on the situation and the level of commitment you agreed to. I do agree it's pretty callous and cowardly to break up via text; but not everyone thinks about it the same way. A lot of people lack capability to be vulnerable in front of other people, and having conversations like a break up, or "where is this going?" can be difficult for people to articulate in person. So in order to absolve themselves of the discomfort of a difficult conversation, they hide behind technology. When you don't have to see the face of the person you are hurting, it's much easier to do it. I am not saying that it's cool, or that it's a favorable way to handle things, I'm just saying that a lot of people seem to prefer that approach nowadays.

I hope you can pick yourself up and move forward from this with a positive mindset. It sucks to get dumped, especially via text/email/social media; but you are better off for it in the long run and it leaves your door open for another amazing person to show up.

Thanks so much for your comments! I don't think this girl would have done well ending things in person, as she's social but used to be painfully shy. I wouldn't have expected that anyway. At least a phone call gives the respect of a conversation without having to look at the person face to face. Anyway, not my problem anymore and I'm definitely moving on. This wasn't the right person for me based on how she handled things. I really do have a positive mindset now that I've had almost a week to return to normal. I'm not used to short-term dating situations being this much of a roller coaster ride. That tells me how a relationship with this person would likely be. It's also an opportunity for me to learn and grow. As I mentioned to a friend, this was the first time I ever revisited a dating situation that ended. I mistakenly thought this girl would be an exception to the rule, but clearly I was wrong. Never again.

[topazlight]

Acceptable if the person is physically abusive to you and you don't want to talk with or see them in person and after you do so, you block them. Otherwise, no, it is not acceptable, IMO to break up over a text or a IM comment, even an email seems lowly. I would think on the phone, or IRL would be the most considerate way of doing things, but when people are avoiders of any kind of conflict they look for the easiest way to avoid another and a situation. So you have text break ups.

[amj1979]

Acceptable if the person is physically abusive to you and you don't want to talk with or see them in person and after you do so, you block them. Otherwise, no, it is not acceptable, IMO to break up over a text or a IM comment, even an email seems lowly. I would think on the phone, or IRL would be the most considerate way of doing things, but when people are avoiders of any kind of conflict they look for the easiest way to avoid another and a situation. So you have text break ups.

You seem to agree with my feelings on the subject. I'd say after 1 or 2 dates a text wouldn't necessarily constitute a cop-out or cowardly act. Neither of you owe the other much at that point, unless you've already slept together or some other extenuating circumstance. But once you get to date 3 and onward I think phone call becomes the acceptable minimum. At that point a text breakup is absolutely a way of avoiding conflict. I think the breakup text I received in the middle of the work day was intentional.