Dating someone who used to only date guys in relationships

[Tracer]

I am in a relatively new relationship (3months) and it has been going great.
Stupidly the other day we had a discussion about our pasts.

I realise that the past is the past and what happened in their past shapes who they are today. And I have never judged anyone for their past decisions nor am I a jealous person.

My girl told me that she had slept with a friend who is a married man with a pregnant wife which she said was bad and a mistake.
I believe he still texts her every now and then. I accept that we all make mistakes and this in itself isn't an issue.

However she then went on to say she went through a spell where she only pulled guys in relationships. This is a red flag for me for two reasons. As she was obviously going out with the intention of pulling guys in relationships despite her describing the incident above as a mistake. Also for me this says she is the type of person that will risk hurting others for her own needs.

She also told me about kissing a married guy from her work which she described as "only a kiss". For me this is another red flag that she obviously doesn't see kissing while in a relationship as bad.

She is also really paranoid that I will pull people when I'm out despite me giving her no reason to think this.

Do you think I should walk away before getting hurt, should I give her a chance to explain or am I being silly and over thinking things?

I have been introduced to her friends and family which suggests she is being open with me. I've had plenty relationships in the past and never felt this level of distrust in any of them.

Really bothered by this and have no one that I could confide in. I would greatly appreciate any help.

[myers5061]

Break up with her and run for your life. She's one of those crazy girls who like to play games and stuff. Also, you may find this helpful: blog.nexusdate.com/relationship-questions-that-can-help-to-build-really-loving-couple/

[melancholia]

This is a tricky one... on one hand, you've only been together for 3 months, so if you are going to bow out, you should hurry up and do it before you both invest more time, emotions, and energy into what you have going. Was this conversation brought about randomly? Were you just talking about the past, or did she bring it up in a boastful way? I ask because you said you don't judge people for their past, but here you are, judging your girlfriend for her past. She didn't have to disclose any of that information to you, but she did because she wanted to be closer to you. Unless, of course, she brought all of this up in a boastful way, and you also see other signs that she isn't being truthful to you within your own relationship... that's a separate issue though. Also, it's worth noting that she wasn't the one in a relationship at the time she hooked up with those guys - they were. Why is the mistress always looked at to be worse than the person who is actually in a relationship? When adults want to get down, they will get down, regardless of their circumstance. However, just because she hooked up with guys who had girlfriends or wives, doesn't necessarily mean she would hook up with someone else while she is dating you. I think she may be acting jealous and assuming you will stray because she has been with guys who were in relationships, so she sees how easy it is for some men to cheat on their spouses. I think if this information is too much for you, and if you can't look at it objectively, then maybe you should cut ties with her. You can find another person who doesn't have the same exact past as she does, but everyone does have a past behind them. It doesn't make them who they are; who they are depends upon who that person chooses to be at the present moment.

[smarta$$]

She sounds like a high-risk venture. It's up to you to decide if she is worth the risk.

[TheEvilJester]

I think melancholia summed it up rather nicely. I will say this.... I absolutely cannot blame you for how you are feeling. I must admit, I'd be sort of having the same doubts myself. If she admittedly went out and INTENTIONALLY sought out guys who were already in relationships, then that is pretty deplorable, and I would doubt whether somebody like that could really ever change. Heck, even if she didn't necessarily go specifically looking for guys already in a relationship but then just hooked up with them anyway even though she KNEW they were, that is still pretty low.

All the same, though, you are right that you cannot necessarily judge somebody for their past, as long as it is in their past. I guess part of what could give you a hint one way or the other is HOW she told you. By this, I don't just mean how it came up in the first place, but how did she sound when she was telling you? Did she sound like she now realized how wrong she had been? Did it sound like she had remorse for her past? Or did it more sound like she almost had an attitude of "Whatever, it was no big deal," like she didn't really care how many people she could have been hurting by her actions?

Bottom line, though, if this bothers you enough.... then it bothers you enough. I don't think anybody could blame you if it did. It isn't like this is just some innocent youthful indiscretions that have no bearing on her present or future. This gives hints that maybe she's not the most loyal or considerate person, and I can't blame you if it makes you worry about whether she'd be faithful to you.

That said, if she HONESTLY has put that stuff in her past and HONESTLY does realize that it was a mistake, you shouldn't hold that against her. If she, honest to God, has made better of herself, then she doesn't deserve to be continually punished for past crimes. Of course.... that said, that doesn't mean you HAVE to stay with her if you just cannot be comfortable with her past. I just mean that you shouldn't A) make her feel bad about her past (if she truly sees the err in her ways, I am sure she feels bad enough already, and if she doesn't you aren't going to change that) or B) stay with her, but continue to distrust her without her giving you any reason to do so.

So, for me personally, if I were you I would go with one of two options. 1) You decide that you DO think she has truly put that childishness in her past, and you choose to let it go and forget it (unless, of course, you start to see signs that maybe she isn't trustworthy) or 2) You decide it is just best for you to move on and end it now, either because you don't believe she's truly changed or because you believe maybe she has, but you still just can't get past it. If selecting option 2, though, it should not be done in any judgmental way or anything like that. You've heard of the "it's not you, it's me" excuse that is almost always BS.... but in this case that sort of would actually be it. If that is the decision you make, it should really more so be you are breaking up because YOU cannot get over her past, not so much because of her, per se. If that makes sense. Not really sure I'm explaining that well.

Anyways, ultimately the decision does have to be yours, but I hope we've at least helped you to rationalize it out a bit and decide what you think is best for your particular situation. Good luck to you.

[Tracer]

Thanks for the advice guys.

I brought the issue up with her last night and basically she back tracked on what she said.

She admitted to sleeping with the married guy and that she regretted it. When she said she 'only pulled guys in relationships' she meant that she was kissing guys and in clubs and when she got home and looked at their fb it always seemed they were in relationships.


I'm really not sure what to do.

I am taking a few days to myself to try and get over it and I think what is winding me up the most is that the married guy still sends her flirty texts. I think they have mutual friends so I can't ask her to stay away from him.

[melancholia]

I can see how this would be somewhat difficult for you to understand, but I definitely understand where your girlfriend is coming from. It doesn't sound at all like she seeks out men in relationships, it sounds like she would hook up with guys while out and having fun, only to be met with disappointment after the fact by finding out they had girlfriends. No wonder she doesn't trust men, when so many guys have pulled HER while out at clubs/bars, even though they have girlfriends. Guys do that all the time. It's happened to me many times, and it sucks. Asking her to stay away from people makes you look jealous and insecure, it won't do either of you any favors. I think you need to change your perspective on this. You said you don't judge people for their past, but you are harping on your girlfriend for her past. I think you would be making a mistake if you didn't just get over this and move on. It's a waste of energy.

[Tracer]

I can see how this would be somewhat difficult for you to understand, but I definitely understand where your girlfriend is coming from. It doesn't sound at all like she seeks out men in relationships, it sounds like she would hook up with guys while out and having fun, only to be met with disappointment after the fact by finding out they had girlfriends. No wonder she doesn't trust men, when so many guys have pulled HER while out at clubs/bars, even though they have girlfriends. Guys do that all the time. It's happened to me many times, and it sucks. Asking her to stay away from people makes you look jealous and insecure, it won't do either of you any favors. I think you need to change your perspective on this. You said you don't judge people for their past, but you are harping on your girlfriend for her past. I think you would be making a mistake if you didn't just get over this and move on. It's a waste of energy.

Perhaps you are right Melancholia, I appreciate your input.

I defiantly felt better after speaking with her last night and I have no reason not to believe what she has said.

I don't think i am judging her past, but more questioning if I knew the person I have fallen in love with. The relationship has moved really fast and didn't want to be committing to someone I can't trust,

I am going to try and move on and not talk about it. If I can't move on then we can go our separate ways as that wouldn't be fair on her considering she actually hast done anything wrong to me.

[TheEvilJester]

So, now that she has given you further details, I definitely lean more into the camp of not letting her past bother you. Again, that does still have to be your decision... but it definitely does not sound like she intentionally went around trying to hook up with guys who were already in a relationship. More so, it sounds like these disgusting excuses for men hooked up with her even though (completely without her knowledge) they were already in relationships. It was only after that she would find out.

So, that is more so like she was the victim of a bunch of sleeze-balls. You can't really blame her for that. MAYBE you could argue she shouldn't be so naive and shouldn't "hook up" with guys before knowing them better, but, honestly, you shouldn't have to go through life constantly mistrusting people.

Anyway, I could understand if it still bothers you, but it does sound more so now like it was never her intention to mess around with guys already in a relationship. So, if she is being honest, she was more so the victim in her past, not a willing and aware participate in the wrongdoing.