How much more do I have to suffer

[Hope73]

Hello, I am desperately seeking some advice concerning a recent relationship.
First a little about me, sadly I have had some really bad relationship experiences over the last 20years, resulting in two divorces. My first husband was very abusive, and my second marriage was done in haste..
Since then I Have had several relationships, all resulting in ending up In the bin, mainly due to perhaps picking the wrong man, or saburtarging things, with my own insecurities, or gut instinct..!!.
Recently, I have met a man, who I have really gotten along with, and found some common ground with. We seemed so happy, but then things happend with him, ie, money going missing from his business, and his mum being taken into hospital. Although I tried to be supportive, I felt as though there was a sudden turn in the relationship, and that he was putting a distance between us. He started turning up late, and not making so much contact with me, as well as a "gut instinct", That something had changed!. Unfortunately, because of my insecurities, I started accusing him of using me, and repeadly gave him the option to walk away... Needless to say,that wasn't what he wanted.
Last weekend, he was meant to be coming to an event with me, which I was absolutely dreading going to, as my ex husband was going to be there, and so I desperately wanted him to come along. How ever at the last minute, he felt that he couldn't come, as he felt guilty going out and having fun, whilst his mum was laying in a hospital bed.. Unfortunately I didn't take it very well,and Again started, suggesting that he was distancing himself, and if so, to say.. Also accusing him yet again, of using me. Later, I opligised, but he didn't reply.
He didn't speak to me for days, and then I initiated contact, asking him if our relationship was still ok, and he said that things we'rnt working, so we were finished.
However he had said that he wants us to Remain good friends, and that he will always come round to see me.. Im utterly distraught. I know that I have terrible insecurities, and that the time has come to try and address them, but I genuinely don't want to lose this man..
Can you offer any words of advice, as it would be much eperciated.
Thankyou
Sarah.

[TheEvilJester]

It is possible that it could be too late. I am sorry to say that. I know that isn't what you want to hear, but that is possible. IF that is the case, though, just know that it just means this was not meant to be after all. Yes, you could have handled things better.... but it is understandable why you had such a hard time trusting him. It wasn't HIM really. It was more so your unresolved feelings from the poor way you have been treated by your past relationships.

First off, I am really sorry to hear that you went through all that. I know firsthand how devastating it can be to be SO certain you have found the right person (even so much so that you marry them) only to later realize just how wrong you were. That is not an easy experience from which to bounce back. So, please do not beat yourself up too much.

The most important thing is that you realize and acknowledge that part of the issue was your mistrust where perhaps mistrust was undue. You realize that maybe part of the problem is your unresolved feelings and mistrust from your past. So, my first real piece of advice would be to get yourself help. Believe me, I don't mean that to sound the way it does. It is NOT a sign of weakness to acknowledge when you need help, nor is it a sign of weakness to actually go about getting the help you need.

Nobody deserves to be judged for that. You deserve to be happy. I think you do even more so than your typical person because you've suffered through being stuck with the wrong person. You've experienced the worst, now you deserve the best. The thing is, you are never going to be able to get that if you don't allow yourself the chance. Unfortunately, right now you are sabotaging yourself. It is unintentional, but you are.

What you need to be able to do is to trust again.... but not without also learning from your past experiences. Trust with caution, so to speak. If you can't seem to get there on your own, then why not seek the help of a professional who may be able to help you develop the tools to once again become the best you?

Your fella was going through a lot, so in hindsight you should have been more understanding. HOWEVER.... that doesn't change the fact that a relationship is a two way street. Don't get me wrong. I understand he was going through a lot of his own crap in life, but that also doesn't mean it is okay for him to take you for granted. I don't think it was ever his intention to take you for granted, and again, I can understand why he may have been less able to focus on you. All the same, if he had any intention of continuing his relationship with you, he needed to show that and to also let you be there for him. Instead, he didn't give you the chance to ever be there for him because he instead chose to be alone. Not only that, but he couldn't be there for you when you really needed him.

In the end, whether intentional or not, that isn't okay to do to somebody. Even somebody who had not already suffered through everything you have would have had a breaking point somewhere with that. So, please do not think you are 100% to blame. Again, I understand that everything he is currently going through is rough, so I can certainly understand how that can cause somebody to kind of lose themselves a little. So I don't mean to blame him or act as though it is intentional on his part. I'm just saying, it is also understandable, given your history, how this would make you feel insecure in the relationship.

Now, all that said, it is also entirely possible that it is not too late. You've gone through your own problems, he's currently going through some of his own. There is a possibility that you two could revisit things at a better time. So, maybe that could be possible, but just don't wait out on that too long. At some point, if it seems to be the case, you need to realize that it is best just to move on.

Good luck to you. Sincerely. Trust me, I know how much it can suck to feel like obtaining your own happiness in life is just hopeless. It isn't hopeless. Please keep fighting, and if you need it, please do not hesitate to seek out help. You deserve to be happy, so do whatever you can to take that happiness.

[Hope73]

Thankyou very much for you reply. I received a call from him on Wednesday, saying that he didn't want to give up on us, but that we needed to talk about things face to face. However, this morning when I asked him when he wanted to get together, he ignored my message on WhatsApp.. I'm Totally confused, and feel that maybe he's playing mind games. The thing is, we aren't teenagers, we're both middle aged adults!!.
😞

[TheEvilJester]

Well, he tried to give you a chance, so maybe you give him the benefit of the doubt for now at least as far as getting together for this conversations he wants. It is possible he wasn't on WhatsApp yet, or wasn't really on long enough to respond to your message, or whatever. I wouldn't let one missed message cause you to give up. He said he doesn't want to give up on you two as a couple, but wants to talk. For now, take that at face value.

IF he does finally set a date to talk, then talk to him. Listen to him, but also be prepared to share your own honest, heart-felt thoughts and opinions. It isn't about pointing the finger of blame. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging things you may have done wrong and striving to improve them, but it should not be about who is "at fault" or about one party being to blame more than the other. That is NOT what is important. It should be about having an adult conversation and determining (again, as two ADULTS) whether or not your relationship is worth continuing.

In the end, if you wind up feeling like you have to chase him down just to even schedule the conversation HE claimed he wanted to have, then maybe that is all the indication you need that he is not serious. But, since he's at least taken the first step to tell you he doesn't want to break up and that he wants to talk, I would say at least give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Good luck to you. I hope this works out for you in whatever way turns out to be the best. Maybe it means you two wind up working after all. Maybe it means you two end things and you find your way back to your own happiness, and eventually to somebody else. Either way, I wish you the best.