How do I know what he really wants?

[AnyaVale]

Since last summer I've been flirting with a guy 5 years older than me. Although I'm sure he only wants to have sex with me, he denies it every time I confront him. the problem is that our conversations indicate the I'm correct. He always comes to me whenever something goes wrong with another girl, he talks about other girls a lot with me and he stood me up the one time we were meeting alone.

[melancholia]

Are you two friends? Is there a reason why he would seek your guidance for girl problems, or do you think he is doing that to rub it in your face that he's with other women? It's too difficult to tell what the situation is because you haven't given many details. How long have you two known each other? Are you interested in dating him?

[AnyaVale]

Yes, we are very good friends. We've known each other for a year more or less. I'm not sure why he would seek my guidance for girl problems because I'm younger than him and almost inexperienced. His excuse usually is that it's my fault because I'm not his partner. I am interested in dating him.

[melancholia]

He says to you, "it's your fault because you're not my partner"...? WTF does that mean? Why are you interested in dating him? He doesn't sound like he's a nice guy. Has he ever said to you that he wants to be more than friends, or does he just act in a flirtatious way with you that gives you mixed signals?

[AnyaVale]

Yeah, he says that most of the time (I want to believe it's jokingly). We get along pretty well.He is most of the time a nice guy, he has been with me when I needed support (which was quite frequent last semester), he even helped me with my projects. He has said that he desires me but most of the time I'm receiving mixed signals.

[melancholia]

Has he ever asked you out on a date, or directly told you that he wants to be more than friends? What is the difference in age between you two? I think you should tread carefully. Clearly there is something amiss about his behavior if you feel like you are receiving mixed signals from him. Maybe he is into you and he's not sure how to bring it up. Being vulnerable and asking a person out can be daunting for a lot of people, so maybe he is acting cautiously so that he can avoid rejection from you (if that's what his deal is, of course). I think you should trust your gut instincts on this one. Have you ever told him how you feel about him?

[AnyaVale]

He is 5 years older than me. He has asked me out but in the end stood me up saying he had a family-related emergency. I told him how I felt around 6-7 months ago and I told him again a week ago or so because he was complaining about me being too distant and cold towards him.

[melancholia]

Have you asked him how he feels about you, and whether he wants a relationship with you?

[AnyaVale]

Yes, but either he chooses to ignore the answer or he says something among the lines: "I just want you to be mine but I don't want to lose my freedom".

[melancholia]

That translates to: "I want you to only date me, but I want to be able to date other people." It doesn't sound like he values what you have to offer him. He is giving you mixed signals because he doesn't want to commit to you, but he wants to be able to do whatever he wants with you when it's convenient for him. If you are okay with entering a non-committed, friends-with-benefits type relationship, then by all means go for it. However, if you want more than that, it doesn't sound like he is capable of giving that to you, and you may want to consider cutting ties with him. Maybe not forever, but at least until you can move on from the feelings you have for him. The last thing you need is to fall for someone who is incapable of reciprocating the type of love and attention that you deserve.

[AnyaVale]

Thanks for your advice. I guess I'll have to cut ties with him for a while because I can't sustain that kind of relationship. <3

[melancholia]

If that is what you need to do, then it is the right choice. Honestly, if he were actually your friend, he wouldn't treat you this way. He is not worthy of the privilege of being with someone like you. Start focusing on your own needs and things you like to do with your time. Get out with some girl friends, or try a new hobby you've wanted to take up... anything you can think of to distract you from the negative energy, and something that brings you joy. There are plenty of men out there who don't treat women like this guy has been treating you. There are wonderful, generous, kind men out there who would be lucky to be with someone like you. I wish you the best of luck.

Big Love,
Melancholia