Should I marry my ex?

[Lilia]

We started dating when I was 19 and he was 42. Then I broke up with him when I was 24.
And I've been single since then… I am almost 27 now. The problem is I am not attracted to 99,999 % of guys.
I feel I am stuck with my life. I miss my ex bf cos I spent my adolescence with him. We had a close emotional connection but sex with him wasn't passionate enough for me. It was disappointing. He was also very bossy and I had to agree with everything he said. I was sick of it.
And some of his habits irritated me. He was a perfect daddy for me but not a perfect bf… He was caring and loving and he was like my therapist in a way cos our conversations were like therapy sessions. It was always about me and my emotional issues and worries and childhood traumas and relationship with my parents and even friends. But he had his own issues too, he often yelled at me and he called me names if I argued with him or disagreed with his opinions but at least he always apologized...
Then I broke up with him cos I felt like I grew up like I didn't need a daddy anymore or someone to take care of my problems.

It's been 3 years since we broke up and my life hasn't changed. I've stopped dating and the thought of staying in my country and living here forever makes me so depressed. I dislike the political situation, I dislike people's mentality here, I dislike the economical situation and I simply find it so boring here. And my ex bf went back to England now and he still wants me to marry him.

I just know what my life is gonna be like for the next 10 years if I don't marry him. And it's gonna be a boring hell.
I have troubles keeping a steady job…I am an English teacher (but I don't feel that I know it well enough to teach others) and I become emotionally drained very quickly at work... I am very empathic and emotionally sensitive, I worry all the time. And every time I get a new job it becomes emotional hell. The only person who can help me cope with stress at work is my ex bf.
So if I marry him I won't have to work…but my sex life will never be good… and he is so much older… and not as attractive as he used to be when we just met…

I feel like the only way to get out of my situation is to marry him… but I feel I am not gonna be happy. That means I will never experience a relationship with a young guy. I won't even know what it's like.
But if I don't marry him I feel I am not gonna know what it is like anyways. And I miss my ex. I miss that comfortable safe feeling I had when we were together. And I want to experience life in England, he might pay for my education there, but I am not sure if I want to study though.
What should I do? Is marrying him a stupid decision?
My friend thinks it is stupid. But she married a guy who can't even solve his own problems and he is emotionally distant.
My ex bf is 1000 times better than her husband.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, firstly, if I have my math correct, that makes you currently 27 and him 50. Don't get me wrong. Age is just a number, so if two people are really and truly in love, age difference shouldn't matter (within reason and legality, of course). However, 23 years is a BIG difference. He was essentially an adult before you were even born. Chances are you two are probably not going to be within the same sort of stage of life/lifestyle at the same time because your age gap is so large.

Again, all of that could MAYBE be forgotten if/when two people are honestly in love enough that they don't care about all that. ....However, by your own admission, you don't really seem to be IN LOVE with him, you aren't compatible in bed, and you don't find him attractive. You shouldn't marry somebody just for the sake of marrying SOMEBODY. Honestly, that is just a double-edged sword. On the one hand, don't you think he deserves somebody who is madly in love with him, not somebody who feels like they are settling, and are just marrying him simply because they feel like it is better than being alone? Yet, on the other hand, don't you also think you deserve to be with somebody with whom you are madly in love?

So, not only are you depriving him, you are also depriving yourself. I don't know, maybe this is just me, but I think anybody would be better off alone than to settle with somebody they don't really love just because they'd rather do that than to be alone.

Believe me, that is coming from a guy who SO BADLY wants to find love (or at least I USED to, as I've now given up on believing that will ever happen for me). That is also coming from a guy who once thought he found it.... only to slowly find out that his supposed partner was NOT the person she pretended to be in the slightest... and only for the worse. Me personally, I'd sooner cut my arm off slowly with a rusty spoon than to get back together with my ex just because I'd rather be with her than to be alone. Heck, my right arm even (and I'm right handed).

Bottom line, though, that will really have to be your decision. I can't tell you what to do, I can only tell you what I would personally do if I were you. Is it possible that your standards are too high if you don't seem to find any guys attractive? Maybe, maybe not. It could be possible you just haven't found the right guy, and once you do it will be like night and day. It may also be possible that you are (probably without even realizing you are doing it) just closing yourself off to other guys. In other words, maybe you COULD find some of them attractive/interesting, but for some reason you've closed yourself to the possibility.

IF that happens to be the case, maybe you should work with a professional therapist to see if maybe they can help you to determine why that is and work to change it. Believe me, if you do need it, it is NOT a sign of weakness to admit that you need help or to seek it out when you do. All the same, maybe you DON'T need that, but just haven't found the right guy. I can't really know. For that matter, maybe you will ultimately decide it is best for you just to marry this fella. That would have to be your decision. I can only say that, you two broke up before. What exactly would you expect has changed that will make it work so much more now when it didn't then?

Whatever you do decide, though, I wish you the best of luck. I hope it goes well for you, and for all parties involved.

[pcmaster]

Jul... Lilia you still have this question in your mind.

First of all let me say that marriage is not the only way out of Russia. I seen a lot of Russians there in UK and they can get a job there. Sure you might have to do manual labor but pay would still be good comparing to those salaries in Russia what they get for doing the same work. If you think you cant work as a teacher then there are still some jobs that are easier than that.

What you thinking about doing is settle and you are still young enough to take chances and going for what you really want. Your ex is a good friend to you on internet and you are safe at the distance but you know how he can be to you in real life. You just know it. You shouldnt do anything because you feel like you own it after everything hes done for you. You should do something because you want to do it. Have you heard New Justin Beiber song "Love Yourself"? What he says at the start explains it.
Dont give up on yourself yet. Cause I havent give up on you and hope you wont too. Love is rare but you can find it and fell in love and know how it is to be in a relationship with a "young guy". Just believe its there and you will find it.
If I were you I would go to UK for a year on your own - easier to go tru agency who would find you a job in factory or somewhere. Then live there for a year and visit home - Russia every 2-6 months. In the meantime of course you could go to nightclubs every weekend or every second weekend and just enjoy life in UK while you are still young. You have good english and you could adapt well to life in english speaking country and find friends if you would talk with people and look for opportunities.

You know I find this interesting thing - Its like telling you how planets affect you in each country - its about astrology and most people find it accurate, its based on real science - astrology. Basically its on astro.com - free horoscopes - astro click travel. Then choose scalable google map and click on Moscow and you will be amazed. Also its good to check places where you want to travel. Not a real decision maker but could warn you if a place you are in or wanna be in is a complete disaster.

[Lilia]

Well, firstly, if I have my math correct, that makes you currently 27 and him 50. Don't get me wrong. Age is just a number, so if two people are really and truly in love, age difference shouldn't matter (within reason and legality, of course)….

TheEvilJester, thank you very much for your reply. What you said makes a lot of sense to me.
May be I still love him though. I miss him and we are planning to meet in Latvia…
And If I start dating someone I will still be in touch with my ex, I can't erase him from my life, he still plays an important role in my life. He is like my second family…
I might never date again cos I don't have any interest in it anymore.

[TheEvilJester]

Damn it, pcmaster! Why do you have to go and make me tempted to actually listen to a Justin Bieber song? LOL! NOT a fan of that fella's work AT ALL, but that sounds like a powerful and awesome message. Still, I myself with stick with the Jarad Padalecki and Jensen Ackles campaign "Always Keep Fighting." Their latest fund-raiser includes shirts with the phrase "Love Yourself First." Very powerful campaign they've been running for a while now. I own a couple of the shirts and one of the hats from their past campaigns.

Anyways, back to the topic.

Lilia, I can definitely understand how you feel. This is somebody you used to love very much. Somebody who used to make you happy. It can be really hard not to want that feeling again. The thing you need to seriously consider, though is this.... Is it HIM you miss, or is it simply the way having somebody made you feel? Not an easy question to answer, but one you should explore.

There were reasons you two broke up in the first place. Is it possible that maybe the break-up was over things that could have been fixed, but for whatever reason at the time, you broke up rather than to fix them? Or is it possible that they are things which, given the time apart, maybe have changed for the better? If the answer is yes to either of those two, then maybe it would sincerely be worth your while to give him another shot.

However, if the problems that caused you two not to work out in the first place are still present, or maybe even things have just gotten worse, then why exactly would it succeed now when it did not then? As I already mentioned, you yourself say you no longer find him quite so attractive, and you seem to be saying you are pondering going back with him more because you'd rather not be alone. That is no reason to be with somebody if they otherwise are just not right for you.

Again, only you would know, though. You have to do what you think is right for you. Though I wouldn't personally advise it, I will say this.... IF you decide to go back with him, my advice would be NOT to get married right away. Instead, just go back to being a couple for a while and see how that goes. This way, if you find that nothing has changed and you and he are still just not compatible, it is much easier to break things off if you are not married. On the other hand, if things are so much better and you wind up feeling like you ARE a much better match now, you can always get married later once you feel confident it is the right decision. Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

[pcmaster]

[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] Jester I actually read your first reply before I read topic and wanted to say that I feel for you - it seems like your ex left if not a wound then a great scar for sure since you are so sensitive about not going back to her.

Then I saw this name Lilia - and it blew my mind because we been chatting on and off for 3 years and I know more about her ex and her. So I replied to her first.

I think her ex just want some security and future with Lilia thats why he wants marriage, - it would be like commitment from her, like contract.
Also going to another country - where she dont have support system would make it easier for ex to issolate her and keep her with him while not always showing his best side. These are just things to be aware of.

[TheEvilJester]

Jester I actually read your first reply before I read topic and wanted to say that I feel for you - it seems like your ex left if not a wound then a great scar for sure since you are so sensitive about not going back to her.

Oh no, quite the contrary. Thank you very much, I really do appreciate the support, but that isn't really the moral of my story at all. That relationship was terrible for me, it just took me a long time to realize it. So, getting out of that relationship was honestly like being re-born. I felt amazing! Like a new man. Ready to conquer the world. Ready for my second chance.

Of course, trying to grab that second chance is what reminded me how much people (in general, mind you) suck, and reminded me of what I really am. I've said it before, I'll probably say it again, but the monster doesn't get the happy ending. Even after all that, I still wouldn't call myself "wounded" or "scarred." I'd call myself awakened. Even so, I would still never in a million years go back to my ex. That has more to do with me than it has to do with her. Why would I do that to myself? To do that would be to spit in the face of everything I've accomplished in getting out of that relationship. To belittle the amazing person I've discovered was inside of me all along. I am not so vehement against the idea of ever having anything to do with her because of any hurt she caused me, rather because of the love I discovered for myself. Why would I want to do that to myself?

Whatever, though. This isn't about me. I'll survive. I always do. Basically the story of my life.

Back on topic....


I agree with you. I think wanting her to move to an area where she has no nearby friends/family is in part him wanting to control the situation. He wants her to be isolated so he is basically her entire world. Are we being too cynical? Maybe.... but either way I'd still agree with you that caution is definitely required here. As I've said to Lilia, there is perhaps no worse fate than to be stuck with somebody with whom you don't really want to be just because you think it is somehow better than being alone. Hell, honestly, there is no worse feeling of being alone than to be WITH somebody who only makes you feel more alone. Again, I know that from experience.

[pcmaster]

Okay Jester I got your point. Good to hear that you reborn and find new love for yourself.

Hell, honestly, there is no worse feeling of being alone than to be WITH somebody who only makes you feel more alone. Again, I know that from experience.

Its interesting. I found this topic on online theraphy site - topic is called loneliness. And its basicaly like an ilness to some people - not because they are lone but because they feel lonely while actually being loved but they dont love those people who love them. Maybe this is not the case at all but it did make me think. I mean can you actually feel lone while you love someone even if that person dont love you or the moment you feel lone you already stopped to love that person?

[TheEvilJester]

Don't misunderstand, I wasn't offended by anything you said. I definitely appreciate your support and kind words. I was just illustrating that getting myself out of a bad relationship actually had a great effect on me. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's not like I'd CHOOSE to experience that. I'd have rather been able to come to that point on my own without having to experience and free myself of a bad relationship. I'm just saying, I am most certainly not a damaged person as a result of my relationship. I'm too much of a warrior to ever allow such a thing to happen. I hope that doesn't sound cocky, but coming from somebody who lived most of his life HATING the face in the mirror, I think I've earned the right to be proud of myself.

Anyway, to your other point, I think there is a difference between being lonely and being a lonely person. I think there are some people who could have everything a person could ever want in life practically handed to them.... and yet they'd still never be happy. A person who can have people who love them dearly.... and yet still feel alone.

I don't know about anybody else, but that is certainly NOT me. I felt alone in my relationship because I was not treated in the way I deserve. Believe me, if I wound up with somebody with whom I shared a mutual and deep love and who actually DID treat me the way I deserved, I would NOT feel alone.

Anyway, my point in all that just being that you should never fear being alone so much that you allow yourself to be with just ANYBODY just so you don't have to be alone. That's why, and this may just be my opinion, I would personally not advise Lilia to go back with this fella. It seems to be she is saying it didn't work out before... and if that weren't already enough, she doesn't really WANT to be with him. Why exactly would it work this time?

[Violet141]

If you have above mentioned issue with him then why you want him back.. Live your life freely..
You are not too old just 24. When you meet with people hope your thinking will be change. You will start enjoying your life..
Hope for the best always.
All the best.

[pcmaster]

Well thats amazing and Im jealous of you that you became a survivor as you said it before Jester. But of the other end I can understand pulling yourself out from bad relationship when you see that its broken and you are the only one fighting to make things work. Its just you mention your relationship a lot its like its alive in your brains and you often think about it still havent moved on completely as it seemed to me. thats why I said I feel for you cause I know how it is when it takes years to forget the person.

Why exactly would it work this time?

Lilia is sharing only a top of the iceberg in this topic. She started to post in this forum 3 years ago and in her first topic where described her ex he didnt looked so nice of a person and she was the one running away from him.
In theory hes been supporting her and doing her real life favors despite distance so hes good in internet and from a distance. In practial side of things she still have to spend some time with her ex to see if hes better this time.

To be honest Lilia havent been completly honest about who she really is and what she is dealing with in her daily life. Only now years later after a lot of private conversations I started to put together pieces of puzzle and understand that Lilia is not your usual average girl that she have some issues that makes life more challenging than you would imagine for a healthy strong girl. And that might be the reason why is she going back to an ex, why she is not attracted to most guys, why she settle for ex and dont thing she might find someone better who she would like more.

Of course big part is playing fact that he was her first love. And there might also be some addiction to drama and adrenaline. Besides these days theres no much guys who would put girl to her place and think her ex was type of guy who would do it sometimes even if not in his right mind then while he lost control in anger and emotions.

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, this is a love forum. I talk about my past relationship often because it is often relevant to the topics we get here. It has been over in my head for a long time. I do not dwell on it regularly. I really don't even dwell on it at all anymore. All the same, I don't think that is the sort of thing you should ever 100% push aside. I am not saying it should be at the forefront of your mind at all times, but I think it is important not to forget the things that brought you to the end of a relationship.

Especially in a case like mine, where getting out of that relationship has such a positive influence on me. I never want to forget that. So, it isn't necessarily at the front of my mind every day. I can go days, go week, go months, without even thinking about my ex once. However, I can think about it here and there and it doesn't bring me any pain. It just brings me pride for the man I have become. It reminds me where I used to be and how much better off I am now. It reminds me where I could have been if I had allowed myself to remain stuck in that relationship.

For me, it is empowerment. I share my story here so often because I hope it will help others to realize when they deserve better. To realize that settling for somebody who doesn't deserve you, who doesn't treat you well, just to be with SOMEBODY is no way to treat yourself and no way to live.

[pcmaster]

Okay Jester I believe you. It just seems like this forum is reminding you ex a lot and talking about past relationship while giving advice is often sign of not getting over past. But I see that your case is different.

Stumbled on this topic - Why Men Are Attracted to Crazy, Emotionally Abusive Women - and think this might be the case where OP finds some paralels and why she is attracted to her ex.

https://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/02/17/why-men-are-attracted-to-crazy-emotionally-abusive-women/

[TheEvilJester]

I think that is fair to say. There are a lot of topics lately that reminder me of my ex. I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing, though. I think it gives me a unique perspective since I've been through a similar struggle to what some of these folks are going through currently.

You may be onto something, as well, about what our OP is still drawn to her ex. Perhaps that article could provide her some insight. Either way, again, the ultimate decision would have to be hers, but I personally could not ever see why it would be good to remain with somebody who is so wrong for you just to avoid not being with anybody at all.