My boyfriend and his ex

[Eel751]

We're both in college and we just recently had a week long break. His ex who was his first girlfriend lives in his town. He said he's still close with her family. He told me he visited with her family over break and he was in their house and it brought back memories. He said he went to breakfast with her brothers and mother. That it was the first time he's seen her in 8 months. He said she never is home at her house so her mom asked if she could come over so she did. He said he feels this way because she was his first girlfriend and I know that it's common to never forget your first love. His father recently sold him his car so he has a car now but at his house. Last time he had a car was when he was with his ex and he was so happy with her. He would slightly mention her before. He said not to worry because she has a boyfriend at college. He said they agreed to just be friends and that they'd check in on each other once a month. Of course I'm upset because I'm in love with him and we've only been together for 3 months. He said I'm the first girl since his ex to make him so happy. And I'm crying and shaking because I told him how I'm a nice person and my ex basically tried using me to have him sleep with me which I didn't do. He said he is the same way. I told him I've never been in love before and that he makes me so happy and I thanked him for that. And I'm shaking and getting his shirt wet with my tears and he just holds me so close. I said I don't want to lose him he wraps me up and just holds me. He sees how upset I got and he said he shouldn't of told me but I told him, thank you for telling me and that he told me so I know. Before this, we also had really awesome sex. It was the best I've ever had. He also asked about a threesome (he's mentioned it before that its every guys' dream) he explained that he thinks it would help get me out of my shell and that it wouldn't be about him ****ing two girls but giving them pleasure. I don't know about that. I agree it would get me out of my shell but the thought of it grosses me out. I'm scared and confused and I don't know what to do. He says he loves me in the sweetest way possible and that he's going no where but I'm so scared and vulnerable about this. What do I do? In the summer I have a feeling they'll hang out but I don't know. I'm shaking right now. I can't talk to him tonight because we're busy with school. We went to dinner and he tries getting a rise out of me and I'll smile but deep down I'm upset with him.

[TheEvilJester]

You know, to be honest my usual gut reaction is that there is NO good reason to keep in touch so regularly with your ex. Your ex is your ex for a reason. Why would you ever want to allow yourself to be stuck in the past. So, I absolutely understand your concerns, and I do honestly feel you have every right to feel that way. The way you are feeling is a really good illustration for ONE OF the major reasons why I personally do not think it is ever good to remain close friends with an ex....

How exactly is any new relationship supposed to trust that you won't eventually get some kind of confused feelings and go back with your ex.... or even just screw up and sleep with your ex even if you may realize it was a mistake after? Even if you felt like you could trust him 100%, that is still one of those things where you just cannot help but feel off about it.

So, bottom line, if it bothers you THIS much, then you really should just be hones with him about that. You are NOT being unreasonable to be bothered by this. Hell, I'll even play Devil's advocate here. If it is important to him to remain close friends with his ex.... well, fine. That is up to him..... BUT..... he needs to be up front about that with you (or any other gal he may date) and if that's not okay with them, he shouldn't try to force them to accept it.

Bottom line, he really needs to decide whether he wants to remain so buddy buddy with his ex or whether he wants to focus on his relationship with you. Now.... that said, I do NOT recommend you give him an ultimatum. I do NOT recommend you say something to him along the lines of "It's me or her!" Why? Because to be honest with you, he doesn't deserve that power. Nobody on that side of the equation does. Bottom line, if he can't respect his relationship with you enough to put her in his past since this bothers you, then he doesn't deserve the power to make that decision.... that power belongs with you.

So, rather what you should do is to just talk to him about it. Sort of something along the lines of explaining that you almost hate that it bothers you and wish you could just ignore it, but you just are not comfortable with him being so close to his ex. Don't present it to him like you are telling him he has to stop or you will dump him, but at least make it obvious that you aren't willing to bend on this. In other words, if he tries to sweet talk you into accepting it, do not allow him to compromise your personal beliefs/feelings and try to silver-tongue you into thinking he's worth it.

I mean, maybe he is a great and super-trustworthy guy. Maybe he HONESTLY is 100% JUST friends with her and he would NEVER do anything to hinder his relationship with you. If so, great.... but then he should understand why you'd feel uncomfortable with the situation and be willing to work with you to find some way that makes you both happy.

As far as the "threesome" idea, that is NOT a way to get out of your shell. Not if, as you describe it, the thought of it grosses you out. If you were into the idea, Hell, I'd say go for it if you want. Sounds like you are NOT into the idea at all, and if you are not, PLEASE do not give in just for him. Again, MAYBE I'm over-reacting. Maybe he does honestly want to be with you and only you, and that just sounds like a "kinky/fun" idea to him. However, that is exactly the sort of argument every pig-headed guy gives his gal when he REALLY just wants to cheat, but pretend as though he had her permission, so it isn't really cheating.

Honestly, maybe that's NOT your guy's motivation at all, but I'd at least be awfully cautious about that.

Good luck to you. Honestly, I sincerely hope it turns out I AM just over-reacting. For your sake, I hope he truly is being honest and that he'll be reasonable and prove trustworthy. Still, this sounds like a lot of red flags to me. Please at least be careful. IF my concerns prove right, please care enough about yourself to realize you deserve better. Never settle for somebody who doesn't deserve you simply because you want to be with SOMEBODY. You deserve better than that.

[Tomorrow]

If he loves you & you're not comfortable with a threesome he should respect that. If he insists he is not worth it. Go be with someone who treats you like a lady not a sex toy.

You need to stand up & respect yourself, not the other way around.

[Gladimeir15]

Yeah I agree to their opinion. He should respect you with your feelings and intentions that includes not seeing his ex girlfriend anymore. Dispose him if he will not besides he is not the only male in this world. You can find better than him that deserves your worth.

[Eel751]

Hi guys, thanks for the advice. I talked to him and he got mad because he doesn't understand why I don't trust him, that he's telling the truth. He walked out of my room mad and then texted me he doesn't like it when my friend and I talk to him about the things he does that I don't like. I had my friend there because she knows I'm a pushover and that I can easily be manipulated. He showed me his messages between him and his ex but I don't know for sure if they deleted anything or what but from the looks of it, it seems platonic. He wished her a happy belated birthday and she said thanks and that she's with her bf at that moment. He said he was with me and he said good night to her. She said, "you too." He didn't understand that it was wrong to still go see her and her family. I told him he can text her but not see her and his family. He then said he understands that. I told him I'm not a crutch for him to have sex with until his ex wants him back. Also that he's disregarding my feelings and he has to be aware about his actions and what he says. We agreed to this and also that we should spend less time together to focus on school. I told him I'm sorry for making him feel bad and that this is going to take work. Then I told him to have a good night. Me being a girl, is concerned that if we don't hang out as much and have sex that he will find another girl but I guess only time can tell for that and he wouldn't be worth it anyway. Thanks again. I can keep you updated if you guys want.

[TheEvilJester]

I will say that I do kind of agree with him about one thing. I know generally everybody does this, so I can't blame you for it.... but I actually do agree that you shouldn't really share these sort of things with other people. I've always kind of felt like people shouldn't be complaining about their significant other to friends and family. For a number of reasons, really, but mainly because a couple should be talking to EACH OTHER about their issues, not to other people. When you talk to other people about it, they hear only the complaints, but don't get the benefit of the make-up that the couple gets when they come together and actually grow from the experience.

So, unfortunately, this can start to paint a pretty negative picture of the person in the eyes of some loved ones that may not be entirely or even partially accurate. I guarantee there is not one single person among us who has never once done/said something stupid and later learned from it. We certainly don't deserve to be forever judged based on our worst moments, unless we refuse to learn from them.

Again, just to reiterate, I am not saying any of that to blame you. I think we all do this at some point even if we maybe later realize we shouldn't. Often you want to confide in friends/family. That is understandable.

Back to the point, though....

I have to be honest with you. I am personally even a little LESS enthusiastic about how trustworthy he may be after his reaction. I mean, maybe how you would have to clarify how you presented your concerns to him. If you did so in an accusatory or hostile way (believe me, I know IF you did that probably wasn't your intention) inthen maybe it could have immediately put him on guard, and hence why he may have reacted poorly.

However, if you did present it fairly and calmly, then I don't like his reaction one bit. How could any sensible human being not understand how hanging around their ex (AND their family, no less) could make their current partner feel uncomfortable? How could he not understand that whether or not you can trust him isn't even really the whole problem. Even if you 100% knew you could trust him, that doesn't automatically mean you would be comfortable with the situation.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks." Except in this case, "The gentleman doth protest too much, methinks." In other words, I find it fishy that his gut reaction is to IMMEDIATELY get so defensive. Often times, people do that because they ARE lying. I'm not saying that IS the case here, just saying it could be.

So, again, just be careful. At the same time, stick to your guns, so to speak. If this situation is just not okay with you, then you have a right to feel that way. If that doesn't work for him, then that is fine for him, but not okay with you. If he can't be willing to work with you to find a way to resolve this so it leaves you both happy with the resolution, then maybe he doesn't deserve you in the first place.

Good luck, once again. I hope it works out. If not, though, I hope you care enough about yourself to do what you need to do for your own happiness.

[Fuzzyfeeling]

The man wants a threesome woman. That perfectly explains how exclusive you both are. Actually you may want to have the exclusive talk with him in case you forgot/never mentioned it.

[Eel751]

The man wants a threesome woman. That perfectly explains how exclusive you both are. Actually you may want to have the exclusive talk with him in case you forgot/never mentioned it.

So you're saying he's probably with other girls then? This may be the case. I wouldn't understand why. I treat him nice and we joke around and he's funny and comforting when I do get upset. He helps me review my school work. I have put into perspective that I am very attached to him because we sleep together. I am going to distance myself from him and see if he comes back for me.