Cheating cycle

[Xdyinginside]

Im not sure where to start. Ive been dating a wonderful man for almost 2 years. I have been living with him for almost the entire time, and we are a great match. I love this man with my whole heart and see myself marrying him. Shortly after we began dating i met a guy through some mutual friends and was attracted to him straight away, and i could tell he felt the same. We both were in relationships, so nothing happened but we started talking regularly. We never hung out besides that one time with friends because his gf didnt approve, but he has always kept in contact with me anyways. About 9 months of texting later, and we both kind of admitted our attraction to eachother and things started getting a bit bad. We started out only sending pictures to eachother, and this eventually turned into hooking up, despite us both being in relationships still. This has happened on and off for the past 6-7 months of so. He has a child, and has no intention of leaving that, and i have no intention of leaving my bf either. We both understand that about eachother, and there have been times when we have felt bad about it and stopped, even blocking eachother on social media but we eventually give in and one of us finds a way to contact the other. We recently started working out together at a local gym and still have occassional hookups. Now i know this is so terrible. My bf has no idea, i truely do not want to hurt him! Nor do i want to be without him, but i just cant seem to let this other man go. Its like he fills in all the gaps my relationship is lacking and we get along great. My bf isnt super interested in sex, he doesnt call me sexy or try to make me feel good in that way. We only ever have sex in our bed at night when we go to sleep and its just the same boring thing every time. Ive tried to spice things up but its hard to constantly keep up the effort when he doesnt. Being with this other man, though i know its wrong, the exitement is amazing and he is a good friend to me and helps me with things my bf cant. Im so confused, i know its wrong to have both but any other option will just bring everybody pain. I cannot leave my bf because id have nowhere to go, no family or friends, not enough income to live on my own.. And i truely do love him despite my actions.. I also do not want to cause my lovers family to fall apart. We both messed up big time, i know it would be best if we just stopped contact again, but no matter what i can not find the strength go say no to him and continue to live a boring sex life. its too enjoyable, and im too selfish. I know i will get so much hate from this.. I truely never meant for it to happen..

[billfever]

This just feels like everyone is going to get hurt.

[TheEvilJester]

This isn't going to be the advice you want to hear, but you just cannot have both. That is not the way it works. Not unless it just so happens that both of them are into the idea of an open relationship.... and so is this other guy's girlfriend/fiance/wife/whatever. If, by some freak occurrence, all parties involved actually happened to be perfectly fine with such an arrangement, then what is wrong with it? May not be my personal cup of tea, but if nobody is getting hurt, then how is it wrong?

The thing is, you are both doing this behind the backs of your significant others. There is NO way to continue to do that and not wind up hurting somebody. Bottom line is you DO have to decide. It sounds like there are certain things with your boyfriend with which you are not happy. Can you live with them? If not, can they possibly be fixed? If there are differences between you two that you cannot live with and they are not likely to be changed, then you are just better off breaking up.

Sexual incompatibility is NOT just a minor thing that can be ignored. You can otherwise seem perfect for each other, but if you are not sexually compatible, that is a big deal. Have you talked to him about it? You mention you've tried spicing things up and it doesn't work, so maybe he just is not interested in anything more than what you currently have. Still, you don't know unless you ask. Maybe he'd be willing to be more open, but maybe you've just tried things he doesn't really like.

Bottom line, though, you need to decide and you need to tell your boyfriend. Even if you decide you want to stay with your boyfriend, you still need to come clean with him. You also need to be ready for the possibility of that being hurtful enough to him that he won't still want to be with you. Even if you do decide you want to stay with him, you cannot just decide that continuing to lie to him is the way to achieve that.

Just as much as anybody would, he deserves somebody who loves him with their full heart. Not somebody who is secretly going behind his back to fulfill wants and needs they aren't getting from him. Believe me, I don't judge. I understand you probably did not ask for this to happen. You probably did not go out there intending to mess around with affair behind your fella's back. The thing is, it doesn't change the fact that it is wrong.

It may not be the advice you want to her, but giving up one of them (or maybe even both) is really the only right thing to do. Both for you and for them, really. There is no way to avoid people getting hurt here. You will get hurt, both of them will probably get hurt. Unfortunately, sometimes in life that is just unavoidable. But, the more you hope to just avoid things, the worse it will get when it inevitably does not go well.

[viewfromhere]

Sorry that you're going through this. I can tell that you feel guilty and understand that this isn't the right thing, and that can be stressful- I hope you figure it out.

Like the person above said, people deserve to be with someone who really loves them and wants to be with them- so that goes for your BF but also for you. It sounds like you're not happy. If you want to stay with him though, I agree that you'll have to come clean and see where it goes from there.

[melancholia]

Stop saying that you can't muster up the courage to stop talking to this guy... that is a load of bullsh*t. You can do it, you just don't want to. You enjoy the attention from him, you enjoy your little game of seeing each other behind your SO's backs, and you enjoy the emotional and mental torture this situation brings you. If you didn't love it, you wouldn't do it. You cannot have your cake and eat it at the same time, unless your boyfriend is cool with having an open relationship with you, which I highly doubt he would be, but you never know. The bad news is that you are hurting your boyfriend, even if you don't tell him about the affair. Because you are not communicating with him about the issues you have. Instead, you are escaping them by repeatedly hooking up with your FWB. That isn't fair to you, your boyfriend, or your boy toy on the side. The good news, is that you have options. 1) Dump your boyfriend and continue seeing dude on the side; 2) Tell your BF, and if he forgives you, then cut ALL ties with dude on the side; 3) Dump both guys because neither one of them can actually give you what you need and want from a relationship; 4) Keep doing exactly what you are doing. Stay with your BF and keep seeing dude on the side on the DL. I highly recommend choosing any option except for [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=4]#4[/URL] because it's not helping you. Keeping this cycle going is not benefiting you at all. If it were, you wouldn't be seeking advice from strangers on an internet forum. I think you need to take a good hard look at your life. Start focusing on what you enjoy in your life, and focus on the positive, good things you have going for you. Drop ALL negativity from your life. Be it bad habits, negative thoughts or beliefs, and negative people. Stop feeding the things in your life that are keeping you small. That keep you from being able to do everything you want to do. You know that what you are doing isn't right. You know you are hurting yourself and your BF by keeping this thing going. So you need to decide right now what it is you want to do. Nobody here can tell you what the right thing to do is. You have to make a decision for yourself that makes sense to you, so that you can stop this cycle and start living your life more authentically. You deserve to be happy, and this situation you've put yourself in isn't making you happy. You need to change that. Today. Regardless of what you decide to do, make sure you make the choice with your own best interest at heart. You can't decide for other people what they should do, but you can decide for yourself.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find the answers you need; and the strength to make a change and get yourself out of this unhealthy situation.

[johanna1]

Reading your post I can see you regret your actions. However, I as a woman I can sense/feel your excitement when you talk about the other guy. This is not only an innocent flirt. You both took it to the next step. As everyone said, I think this is a situation where everyone will get hurt. You need to stop and try to make it better as soon as you can. This situation is in your hands and you can do it even if it is going to be hard to end an excitement. Are you sure you are just having sex with the other person or there are some feelings involved as well? If you love your BF and if he is a nice man you have to be as nice to him as he is to you. "Treat others as you want to be treated". If there are some problems in your sexual life just address them with him and don't automatically assume that he likes the changes you bring. Talk to him and listen what he likes and how you both like and bring in the changes you both agree. First I would say: be honest with YOURSELF - are there any feelings for the other guy? What do you want from your BF and your relationship with him,? After you find these answers be honest with your BF. You need to tell him and try to find a solution if there is any...Just for you to know...he won't embrace the fact you cheated on him even if you will come clean. He will appreciate the fact you told him but he will feel lied to and betrayed. He will not trust you anymore. So I want you to be aware that you will face these feelings from him which are normal. You will have to give him time to heal, accept and forgive eventually. Last but not least, you HAVE to stop with the other guy! His family will suffer as well and don't forget that he also has a child so for him the situation is twice as complicated than yours. If you break it off with him, you would actually do a good thing for him even if he won't realize at first. You do it for him if you care about him and his family especially his child. Good luck!

[Wakeup]

Did you come here to brag, Op or did you want advice on how to give up your selfish behaviour?