Advice about my girlfriend with personal issues

[Anonymuss]

Hi,

I made this account because I'm looking for some advice.

I've been in a relationship with this girl for 6 years (we don't live together), the problem is my girlfriend has a lot of personal issues/baggage.
This hasn't been a problem for me untill a while back.

She was at some random point too afraid to talk to me or to meet me, she avoided me for 2 months. (this happened because of her low self esteem).
Those two months I tried and tried to get in contact with her I tried to be there for to consult her etc. This didn't help untill I had enough of it and told her I was thinking about breaking up because if she isn't able to speak with me the relationship was kinda doomed.
That made her change her mind because she doesn't want to lose me. She still loves me I know that.

We're now like 6 months later she still talks to me but I still have doubts about our relationship, I love her so much but I'm afraid we won't be able to have a normal relationship with her baggage. She already tried professional help but they gave up on her after trying to help her for a year..

And besides all those problem I started to get jealous, my girlfriend was Always superclose with her ex-boyfriend. It never bothered me untill the point she was to afraid to talk to me. Then i kept on thinking "is she really afraid or is she falling for her ex-boyfriend??".
I already told my girlfriend I was jealous but she just keeps on telling me they are just friends and nothing will ever happen between them.

I don't know what to do at this point, I didn't tell her about my doubts because that's not something I can just tell right.. That will make her doubt as well.. and my jealousy is still there. I don't want to be the jealous boyfriend with doubts. I want the relationship to work, I want a future with her.

Does someone have some advice for me?

ps.: sorry for my crappy english and the long text

[TheEvilJester]

Your English seemed just fine to me. First off, I want to say to you that I am so sorry to hear you've had to go through this. To her, I am also very sorry that she suffers from personal issues like you describe. I know that struggle all too well, so I can understand the pain she is going through.

However, the most important thing somebody like her or I can do is to fight for themselves. She was seeking out professional help in the past, and that is VERY good. That they gave up on her is not a failing on HER part, it is a failing on THEIR part. What kind of professional is that? Where she is failing is in giving up because of that. In believing her situation to be hopeless. What she needs to do is to try to find the right professionals for her. If she could get through her issues on her own, then fine.... but it doesn't sound like she can.

I've said it before and I will say it again. It is NOT a sign of weakness to admit when you need help, nor is it to accept that help. Why should she suffer through this with little or no hope if a professional might be able to help her? She's experienced the wrong ones. Unfortunately, sometimes finding the right ones can be a process.

As for her relationship with her ex..... it is possible that it is more than she lets on, it could also be possible it is not. Either way, the truth is if it bothers you enough to be a problem, then you have every right to feel that way. The one thing I would NOT suggest is that you give her a "him or me" sort of ultimatum. To be honest, if it ever got to that point, I think instead you should just end it, rather than to give her that power. However, for now all you can really do is talk to her in as calm and rational a way as you can.

Unfortunately, it does sound like you've kind of already done that and nothing has changed. So, that may really be all you need to know. But, still, if you think it is worthwhile, just try having a calm and serious discussion with her to explain to her that you don't mean to come across like you don't trust her, but you're just not comfortable with her being so close to her ex. That you can't and won't tell her who she can and cannot have as friends, but that given their past, you'd just appreciate certain reasonable boundaries. If she can't respect that, then maybe you deserve better anyway.

Also, the bottom line is if she refuses to get any help for her issues, then you shouldn't allow yourself to be dragged down to Hell with her. If she's trying to fight her way out of these issues, then that is a different story. Then, maybe you try to continue being there for her if you can. The thing is, if she simply refuses to do anything to get the help she needs, then why should you have to suffer through that as well? Sometimes you really do have to worry more about your own health and wellbeing (including emotional and mental as well). If she can't even be bothered to do anything to save her own self, don't let her drag you down too. I don't mean that to sound heartless. I know what she is going through is not easy. The thing is, that doesn't mean you can just give up and not even try. How can she ever expect happiness if she just gives in to believing being miserable is her fate?

Good luck to you, and good luck to her. I hope you both find your way to happiness, whether that winds up being together or apart.

[Anonymuss]

Hi thanks for the reply

Sorry I didn't respond earlier,

But hey you were so nice to try to help so I'm giving you some updates on how it's now between the girl and me.
Yesterday evening the girl broke up with me, she told me I was pushing her to hard. In my eyes I wasn't I was just trying to comfort her and trying to let her know I'm there for her.
But she saw those things as me don't taking her issues serious and thinking it will all go away if I just tell her I love her.
I tried too talk that out of her head because that never crossed my mind but yeah that didn't work..

So yeah back to the single life for me I guess...
She never wants to speak to me again because she's ashamed and in her opinion I did things wrong because I didn't give her enough time..
She didn't speak for month and I still tried contacting her while we were together so I don't understand it anymore..

Thanks anyways.

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest with you, I think that is so much for the better for you. I know it probably doesn't feel that way right now, but it sounds to me like this girl was toxic for you. Hell, it sounds like she was toxic for herself. Believe me, I know this from experience. My ex also had a lot of personal issues. Just like you, I tried to do everything I could to be there for her and help her.

Just like your gal, she "thanked" me for this by constantly treating me like crap. By constantly telling me how much I just "didn't get it" or other bull$h*t like that. ....This, mind you, despite the fact that she damn well KNEW that I of all people DID get it, because I've been through my own struggles throughout my whole life. For so long I tried to be there to help her in any way I could (even if that was just in being there to be supportive) only to be treated poorly in return. Rather than her getting any help and allowing me to be part of helping to pull her back up, she only ever pulled me down.

You were doing everything you could to try to help, to try to be there for her.... and instead of appreciating it, she just throws it back in your face. Believe me, I understand how you feel. It took me a long time to realize I deserved better. It took me a long time to realize the great person I'd thought I found... that I was hoping was still there.... had probably never been real in the first place.

You deserve better. I know right now you may still be hurt and part of you may still want to make things work.... but the truth is you don't deserve to be stuck with somebody who only makes you miserable. She's unwilling to fight for her own self. How are you supposed to be expected to just live with that? Are you just supposed to let her drag you down to Hell with her? Make you just a miserable as her? In time, believe me, you will see how much better off you are without her. Even better, in time you will find somebody who will make you realize that a million times over. Good luck to you. You deserve so much better than you were treated in that relationship, and I hope you find that very soon.

And, honestly, I do hope she finds the strength to fight for herself. Nobody deserves to suffer through what she is going through. The thing is... you can't just give up or you'll never get out of it. You have to fight for yourself. If she can't do that, nobody else will be able to do it for her.

[RainbowDestiny9]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a hard time. I'm in a relationship with someone who has personal issues (anxiety) and have been for 6 years. He's improved so much and we've grown together but it's so hard and getting harder at the moment.