No sex wanted?!

[Nancy.No.Sex]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We get along very well and have so much fun but there is a big hole in our relationship when it comes to sex. He is just never interested!

For the better part of a year now, he hasn't instigated sex and if I initiate, he says no 90% of the time.

It has become an all consuming issue for me. I love sex and I want to have it, but more than that, it's an act of intimacy. I want to touch my boyfriend because I desire him and love him. I feel passionately towards him. I get no passion at all in return. I do get love and caring, but no chemistry or passion.

It is killing me. My self esteem is shot and I feel resentment for him now. I have brought it up so often and the fact he knows how much it means to me and how much I am suffering but choses not to engage or try to improve it, makes me sick of him in a way.

I have started talking to other men and even went out for drinks with a guy friend. I told myself that's all it was, but I know he was interested in more. He tried to kiss me and I refused but I wanted to badly. I kept looking at his body and thinking of all the things I'd do to him.

I think about other men all the time now, when before I never noticed anyone but my boyfriend. And then I feel excruciatingly guilty, because he is a good person and I know he would be so hurt if be knew what I thought about.

I feel like, for me, it's eaten away at the very fabric of our relationship. But for him, it's a total non issue and he can't understand the gravity of it. He just wonders what the big deal is.

How can I get him to understand how fundamental sex, intimacy and pleasure are to me and my happiness?

Honestly, I'm desperate at this point. I don't want this relationship to fall apart. I do love him whole heartedly but I really can't continue like this.

[TheEvilJester]

I know this may not be the advice you want to hear, but it honestly sounds like you two are just not compatible sexually. It sounds like he has a very low sex drive. And, you know something? That doesn't make him a bad person, nor does it make him wrong. It sounds like you have a much more active sex drive than him. And you know something? That doesn't make you a bad person, nor does it make you wrong. The thing is, it very well MAY make you wrong for each other.

It wouldn't be right of you to make him feel bad for it, because if it is the way he is, it simply just is the way he is. It is not you. It isn't like he doesn't find the idea of sex with YOU appealing. It likely means he's just not that sexual in general. HOWEVER, by the same token, it isn't right of him to just think he can ignore your needs. So, the bottom line is, you two need to either find a healthy balance that keeps you both happy.... or you need to realize it just won't work between you two and you need to end it.

Believe me, I understand how you may feel like this is a shallow reason to leave somebody. The thing is.... it's NOT. Sex shouldn't be the MOST important thing in a relationship, but it is VERY important. If two people are not sexually compatible, it doesn't matter how great they may otherwise seem on paper.... that is a big deal.

My advice WOULD BE to talk to him about it to learn if you two can find a happy medium. The thing is, it sounds like you have tried that and nothing has changed. So, I'm just not sure I could see how it could change now if it never has before. You deserve to be happy. So does he. You can't be happy with somebody who doesn't fulfill your needs. In turn, he will never be happy with somebody whose drive is so much more than his own, as he'll always feel forced into sex, something that should just come naturally. Even if you honestly feel like you don't want sex too much/too often, it will never feel that way to him.

Good luck to you either way. I hope you find your way to happiness, whether it turns out you two do find a way to find that balance, or whether it means your true soulmate is out there somewhere still looking for you.

[samiy]

Life gives us all hard knock

[Gladimeir15]

Sex is a very intimate gesture of letting your partner that you love her or him, however there must be a desire in doing it or else doing it without love and passion will defeat its very purpose which is to join two people not only physically but also emotionally and psychologically.