Distance

[BettyM101]

Red flags?
So, I met this guy on a vacation and after few months of staying in touch and talking/texting every day I flew to his state to visit him. We had three amazing days and I returned home. We kept talking every day and a month later he visited me. He stayed for 5 days and again it was great. As soon as he got back home, he asked me when would be the best time to get together again. All this sounds great but...
We never talked about what we want and what we are looking for. We even had random people asking "are you guys in a long distance relationship." He replied "we are figuring it out". Now, I know what he said is true and I need to give it some time but the problem is these visits are very expensive and I am still in school. When he visits, or when I visit we split everything in half and, believe me, it ends up being a lot as we do all tourists things and we both try to make it enjoyable for each other. Now, when he suggested another trip that sounded great but, I cant afford trips every month. My question is: how to know this is going somewhere? What if he just enjoys visiting places with the girl he likes but doesnt want anything serious.
I also expected him to pay more than just 50% of the expenses (he works, I am a student) and it now makes me doubt everything. Not that I am saying he should have paid but I need some sign that all this is worth it.

[melancholia]

The only way you will know, is to ask him. You have the advantage of the fact that this is long distance, so at least you can be comfortable having this conversation through Skype/Facetime/over the phone. I think you should be direct and ask him, "so where do you see this going?", see how he responds and go from there. Whether you end up in a relationship with him or not, you will also have to let him know your financial situation. If he wants to make things work and he is willing to travel, then he needs to be able to foot the bill for that. It's not fair for him to expect you to pay his way, even splitting 50/50 for everything while he visits you is a stretch in my opinion. At the same time, he can't know what your financial situation is unless you tell him. So, you need to be clear and decisive about what you want and need from him.

[BettyM101]

The only way you will know, is to ask him. You have the advantage of the fact that this is long distance, so at least you can be comfortable having this conversation through Skype/Facetime/over the phone. I think you should be direct and ask him, "so where do you see this going?", see how he responds and go from there. Whether you end up in a relationship with him or not, you will also have to let him know your financial situation. If he wants to make things work and he is willing to travel, then he needs to be able to foot the bill for that. It's not fair for him to expect you to pay his way, even splitting 50/50 for everything while he visits you is a stretch in my opinion. At the same time, he can't know what your financial situation is unless you tell him. So, you need to be clear and decisive about what you want and need from him.

Thank you for your reply. Well, I hoped he would know what my situation is. He knows I work only part time and go to school. I was also complaining about my financial aid. However, I didnt want to make him pay for everything because I didnt want him to get the wrong impression. Honestly, I like to pay my share but I am also used to guys paying more (dont get the wrong idea). Now, he seems to be little on the cheap side (I hate it) but splitting everything in half tells me he is not very serious about this. On the other hand, he is wonderful, very caring and gentleman when we are together. And he also told me that once I am out of school we can travel even more together (I still have two more years left).
I want to ask him but I dont want to sound desperate after only seeing him twice.

[TheEvilJester]

You know, I think part of your strategy should just be to be completely honest with him. From what you are saying, it sounds like the fact of the matter is that you don't expect that he should just pay for everything..... BUT you can't really afford to keep up this same pace. I may just be old fashioned.... Well, I DEFINITELY am very old fashioned. LOL! So, let me rephrase that...

In this particular situation, I may just be old fashioned, but I tend to lean towards thinking the guy should be doing most/all of the paying early on in a relationship. At some point there should be a balancing out/equality to that. In other words, if/when a couple has moved on and is more serious, it should cease to be expected that the guy always has to pay.... But I think early on in dating, it is just the gentlemanly thing to do. Mind you, there are circumstances where maybe that is different. For example, if the guy doesn't really make very much money right now, it may be okay for the gal to pay, or for the couple to split things evenly, or even just to learn to go out on dates more inexpensively. I'm just saying, in general, it feels to me personally like the right thing to do.

Maybe his financial situation is such that he doesn't have a lot of extra green, though. In other words, maybe he couldn't really afford to be footing the whole bill each time. I don't know. On the other hand, I could also understand him not wanting to as he maybe doesn't yet know you well enough to feel comfortable doing that.

Anyway, my point being I would just say you be honest with him. Let him know that you enjoy seeing him. That you do want/intend to pay your way whenever you can, but that you just can't afford to spend so much money so frequently. If he's a reasonable guy, he'll understand. He'll either be willing to take on a little more of the expenses for your visits to each other, or if he can't necessarily afford that either, maybe you two will just have to learn a balance for how often you are able to visit each other.

I think I'd personally not advise you actually just outright asking him to take on more of the bill. If he does not yet know you well enough, this could risk giving him a negative impression of you that I do not get the sense would be true at all. So, in other words, my advice would basically just be to frame it as though you do WANT to see him as often as you have.... but you just can't afford to do so that often. In an ideal situation, he'll offer to foot more of the bill, but even if he does not/cannot, that doesn't automatically mean it is a bad thing. It MAY, but it may just be that he can't or isn't comfortable spending much more than he already does at least until you two are more serious. As long as he is willing to work with you in some way (whether that is in him handling more of the financial responsibility, or in you two learning how to balance out not seeing each other as often as you'd like, but still keeping in touch often enough) then it is worth at least giving it a chance.

Good luck to you. I hope it works out well for you. Long distance can be really hard, and the financial strains are just one part of why. I hope you two are able to find the right balance.

[BettyM101]

You know, I think part of your strategy should just be to be completely honest with him. From what you are saying, it sounds like the fact of the matter is that you don't expect that he should just pay for everything..... BUT you can't really afford to keep up this same pace. I may just be old fashioned.... Well, I DEFINITELY am very old fashioned. LOL! So, let me rephrase that...

In this particular situation, I may just be old fashioned, but I tend to lean towards thinking the guy should be doing most/all of the paying early on in a relationship. At some point there should be a balancing out/equality to that. In other words, if/when a couple has moved on and is more serious, it should cease to be expected that the guy always has to pay.... But I think early on in dating, it is just the gentlemanly thing to do. Mind you, there are circumstances where maybe that is different. For example, if the guy doesn't really make very much money right now, it may be okay for the gal to pay, or for the couple to split things evenly, or even just to learn to go out on dates more inexpensively. I'm just saying, in general, it feels to me personally like the right thing to do.

Maybe his financial situation is such that he doesn't have a lot of extra green, though. In other words, maybe he couldn't really afford to be footing the whole bill each time. I don't know. On the other hand, I could also understand him not wanting to as he maybe doesn't yet know you well enough to feel comfortable doing that.

Anyway, my point being I would just say you be honest with him. Let him know that you enjoy seeing him. That you do want/intend to pay your way whenever you can, but that you just can't afford to spend so much money so frequently. If he's a reasonable guy, he'll understand. He'll either be willing to take on a little more of the expenses for your visits to each other, or if he can't necessarily afford that either, maybe you two will just have to learn a balance for how often you are able to visit each other.

I think I'd personally not advise you actually just outright asking him to take on more of the bill. If he does not yet know you well enough, this could risk giving him a negative impression of you that I do not get the sense would be true at all. So, in other words, my advice would basically just be to frame it as though you do WANT to see him as often as you have.... but you just can't afford to do so that often. In an ideal situation, he'll offer to foot more of the bill, but even if he does not/cannot, that doesn't automatically mean it is a bad thing. It MAY, but it may just be that he can't or isn't comfortable spending much more than he already does at least until you two are more serious. As long as he is willing to work with you in some way (whether that is in him handling more of the financial responsibility, or in you two learning how to balance out not seeing each other as often as you'd like, but still keeping in touch often enough) then it is worth at least giving it a chance.

Good luck to you. I hope it works out well for you. Long distance can be really hard, and the financial strains are just one part of why. I hope you two are able to find the right balance.

Wow, this was just right on spot. Exactly my thoughts... On one hand I feel like if guy is serious he would be happy to pay for a gal. On the other, he doesnt know me. I might be a girl who only wanted to have a good time while someone else is paying.
He does have a job (not sure how much he makes) but we all have our expenses and goals and he might or might not afford to pay most of the expenses (I would never let him pay 100%). I am going to wait to see what and where our next meeting will be and then bring this up.

[TheEvilJester]

If he's a good dude, he should certainly understand that. I mean, sure, it may be possible it will cause him concern (he doesn't necessarily know you well enough yet to know if you're being sincere or if you are just trying to use him), but if he's a reasonable guy he won't jump to that conclusion so easily. He'll give you the chance to prove you are being honest, and since you actually ARE, in time he'll see that he has no reason to worry. ....That is if he even does in the first place. Maybe he'll understand and won't even sweat it in the slightest.

If he were to instantly judge you and accuse you of just being a gold digger, then I honestly think that would be a pretty big sign that maybe he's not such a great guy after all. I'd consider that a pretty bright, shiny red flag. I think, chances are, that you won't have to worry about that anyway. Just be honest with him, and hopefully he'll be open to working with you to be able to find the balance that works for you both.

If would be different if you were asking him to buy you stuff, or trying to convince him to pay for you to have an apartment near him so you could be together more or something like that. You're not doing that, your just being honest that you personally cannot afford to keep up the same pace. It's up to him whether he responds to that by offering to cover more of the expenses, or whether you two just have to find a better balance that is more affordable for you both.

Good luck.