Girlfriend wants to spend too much time with me

[roberto1]

Hello all ! I need you good advice again. I am in a relationship with a girl for several months now. She is really smart, good looking and fun to be around with. I enjoy spending time with her, and i do like her a lot. She is a very sociable person, who has many friends and goes out almost everyday. I am more solitary person, i like to spend time alone, to read, to go to the gym , to play video games, usually activities that are solitary by nature. I don t mind that, i actually enjoy being alone sometimes. The problem is she want to see me too often, at least in my consideration. We work together in the same office, 9 hours per day. We drink our coffee together every day, we spend our breaks together, eat and hang out daily at work. I am with her, and only her, outside during our break for at least an hour and 30 minutes a day, plus all the time we spend with others. After work i usually like to go home ( i live far away from the office) and drink a beer and listen to some music, or read a book, or hit the gym. She want to go out in town, to her place , in parks. I usually do go with her at least 2 times from monday to friday. In the weekend we see eachother at least one time, sometimes even the whole weekend . For the last 3 weeks i saw her daily. For me it's too much. I told her that several times, that i need my alone time. Every time i refuse to go someplace with her she gets upset. It is extremely tiring. One day i had a really bad headache and backache that lasted several days and all i wanted was to go home and stay in bed. She knew i wasn't feeling well and she asked me, after work, if i wanna walk 3 miles with her to someplace, because she was meeting one of her friends and had some free time to spend. I told her i want to go home because my back was really hurting, and she got upset, telling me that i never want to hang out with her. She does not consider seeing me every day at work, as "seeing me". I try to see her as much as i can, but i feel i have no more free time on my hands. I see her constantly. We went on a trip abroad, and are going again for 10 days in 2 weeks. I told her i have no problem going on my own, but i want her to come with me because i like having her next to me, i like her company. She does not seem to care. If i dont want to go for a 2 hour walk in the park, after 3 days of work, she gets upset. If i tell her that the fact that i travel with her in other countries show that i really like her, she says that for her is not enough. I see her so often that i dont know what to talk about to her anymore. We talked about everything and sometimes i just dont know what to say anymore. I explained that i need my time for 4 times till now and she does not seem to appreciate the fact that i really changed for her. I used never to go out , and now i go out 3 or 4 times a week with her, and it is still not enough. I don t mind not going out, i actually like to stay at home. The fact is that i really like her, but what can i do to make her understand that i sometimes feel the need NOT to be with her? My free time is very limited now. I hate coming at home at 11 , going to bed, and waking up to go to work again. I cant stand this and she doesn't seem to understand why, eventough she says she knows i'm a more solitary person. I don t get it. So, do you have any advice? Thanks

[melancholia]

This kind of problem is exactly why it's not always a good idea to date people you work with. It sounds like there is a lot of insecurity coming from your GF surrounding your relationship. When she says things like, "you never want to spend time with me", it sounds like she is picking up on some of your frustrated energy. Notice how she says, "you never want to spend time with me", and not "we never see each other." There is a big difference in those statements, and it sounds like she notices that you are frustrated with the amount of time you spend together. I think the issue isn't necessarily that you are together too often, but that you aren't getting enough time for yourself to be alone. It is clear that you care about her and that you want to fix this issue, so there are some things you can do.

The number one thing you need to do is tell her how you feel. In your OP, you said this: "I try to see her as much as i can, but i feel i have no more free time on my hands.", and then you go on to talk about the trip you are taking together and you say this, "i want her to come with me because i like having her next to me, i like her company." I think it's important for her to hear that you ENJOY spending time with her. If you are grumbly or anxious around her when you are together, she most likely can feel that. I do think you need to explain to her how important it is for you to get enough time to yourself, though. Say it exactly the way you did here, that you enjoy spending time with her and you see her as much as possible, but that it's important to your overall health and well being that you have some time to yourself as well. If you reiterate how much you care about her and how much you enjoy spending time together, it may make it easier for her to accept your need for alone time.

Unless you two talk about this, you won't get past it. Talk about how you feel and ask her how she feels. Both of you need to communicate what your needs and expectations are, and then you both need to listen to each other and respect the needs of the other person.

[viewfromhere]

The poster above made a really good point, she said she doesn't feel like you want to spend time with her, not that she doesn't see you enough. It sounds like to her, the default mode of being in a relationship is being together, where for you the default mode is being alone- both totally legit.

It might help to plan the week ahead, and say something like "hey, let's figure out what which days we'll be seeing each other this week" and spending a bit of time planning what to do, and expressing excitement that you'll be doing those things with her. If she has something to look forward to, and you've taken the initiative to carve out that time for her rather than waiting for her to ask, she may feel less likely to wonder if you really want to be spending time with her at all.

Also, alone time IS plans. Start referring to is as such. For example, if someone says "come with for a walk, you're not doing anything" you are perfectly ok to say 'I'm sorry, I have plans to go to the gym and unwind with some reading."

[TheEvilJester]

We all need alone time now and then. Honestly, it can be bad for a relationship to be together ALL the time. By the same token, you certainly shouldn't be with somebody if you never want to be around them. It doesn't sound like that is the case for you, but I just bring it up to clarify the difference. Not to mention, if you are with somebody, one would assume that is because the eventual goal is to live together, to get married, to start a life together. So, you'd have to be with somebody you generally enjoy being with nearly all the time..... but you should still have time now and then to just have solo time.

The others have given good advice that I would pretty much echo exactly. You have to talk to her about this. Let her know that you DO love spending time with her, but you also need time to yourself. I mean, if that is not enough for her, then that doesn't make her wrong, per se..... but it doesn't make you wrong either. It may just mean perhaps you two are not the right match. That is IF you two can't find a balance that works for you both, though. I would guess you probably could.... but you need to have that discussion first.

Good luck.

[joshdavids1]

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