go tell him how i feel?i have a bad feeling about this!

[hBetty]

He asked me out last year but i said i just wanted us to be friends. I didn't say anything else. I didn't tell him that i was going through a lot at the time..its just i find it hard to express myself..i dont really open up to other people. But he seemed to be cool with all this "let's just be friends thing" and a year has passed and just when i want to tell him how i really feel about him..he seems to have started keeping his distance these days. I dont know if it was something i did..part of me wants to just go right up to him n tell him n then there's the other part that says i just need to move on.what do i do?

[melancholia]

Men won't wait forever. Tell him how you feel, do you have anything to lose if you do?

[megvoh]

He is keeping his distance because you basically pushed him aside and right into the friend zone and he is respecting you and fact you didn't want anymore with him.
If you still like him honesty is always your friend and the best thing to do is be honest with him as to why you said what you did back then and that you are willing to try with him as more than friends now.
Good luck.

[FriendA]

Depends on what you have to say to him, if youre going to tell him some nonsense like "ohhh i have feelings, but im not ready right now" then just keep it to yourself and let this guy move on. If youre actually willing, able, and ready to commit to him, then tell him how you feel. Dont be greedy wanting him to wait for you forever when youre not ready.

[hBetty]

yes i'm not gonna say such "nonsense"...lol....3 days hv passed..i haven't said anything to him yet..i just need to find the right way n the right time ..plus i just need to muster up enough courage first...

[TheEvilJester]

I agree with all the others, but wanted to specifically highlight the below:

Depends on what you have to say to him, if youre going to tell him some nonsense like "ohhh i have feelings, but im not ready right now" then just keep it to yourself and let this guy move on. If youre actually willing, able, and ready to commit to him, then tell him how you feel. Dont be greedy wanting him to wait for you forever when youre not ready.

I couldn't agree more. If your plan is to basically throw him a small bone to show him you do have some interest.... but you are still not ready to pursue anything just yet, then I'd agree with FriendA. Don't do that. IF he's still interested in you, that means he's already been waiting around hoping you might change your mind. So, don't get his hopes up unless you actually have the intention of giving him a shot.

Since it is sounding like you actually DO want to give him that shot now, I would agree with the others. Just go for it. Really, you aren't a mind reader and neither are we. However, it could be possible he has recently started keeping his distance because he is beginning to think you two will only ever be friends.... and maybe that is not quite what he wants.

So, if you have no intention of being more than friends, then just let the guy go. It will be better for him, and better for you in the long run. However, if you DO want to possibly try to be more than friends, then you should talk to him. Don't wait around hoping maybe he will bring it up again. You can do whatever feels right/best for you, but I can tell you what I would personally do if I were you. I would ask him out, and explain why I wasn't interested before. Just the basic highlights, though. You don't need to give him your whole life story or anything like that. Just keep it simple like "I was going through a lot at the time and just wasn't really ready to date ANYBODY. I don't want you to think it was you. I just wasn't ready for that. But, I feel like I am now, and the more I've thought about it, I would like to ask you out."

If you do decide to go with something like that, put it in your own words, obviously. ;-) Good luck to you either way.

[hBetty]

..and yes..i was thinking exactly that..it would be so much easier if i could just read minds

[hBetty]

Guys thankyou so much for ur advice and uhh..here's an update..turns out he wasn't avoiding me or anything..he just had a lot of assigments to complete..he was lagging behind a little..he was just busy..and now he is back to his normal self. And so yeh he asked if i'm going home during the summer break (our uni is far from home) and i simply said "nope not this time too" .we usually travel home together and i haven't gone home in almost 2 years...and naturally he asked me why like everytime he does when its vacation time..m supposed to go home..and i don't.
The thing is my parents split last year..right about the time he asked me out (wich is why i did what i did) and so i'm planning to leave home (which in our culture.. and a " girl" leaving home at my age is serious act of rebellion...)& move into an apartment, i'm 24 and m old enough to live by myself..and its far from home. So i told him wer im gonna spend the holidays.obviously he was shocked !
So the problem is now he thinks i'm a badass and he s wondering why i'm specifically going to wherever im going..but i'd hate to tell him the "whole story".i bet the fact that i come from a "dysfunctional" family would scare him away(again in our culture couples getting divorced is so messed up it should be on the local news lol !).or he would pity me and i'd hate that ...
So..m thinking if i leave home..i never have to tel him my story cuz it wont matter anymore.so m gonna give him time to process the news and then il tell him later about how i feel ...and see where things go from there..

I'd love to hear ur thoughts on this .. anything i should be doing differntly...?

[TheEvilJester]

I think I'd agree that you don't necessarily have to go into all the details as to why you are moving out on your own. Not if you don't want to. If you and him do become more serious at some point, then you probably should eventually tell him about it, but you don't have to share anything now if you do not want to share anything. Now, I don't know much about the culture where you are, but I can say that in the USA, it's not seen as all that strange to move out on your own at your age. In fact, it is something to be respected that you can handle that.

Things are tougher these days. A lot of people are stuck living at home with their parents longer and longer because it is just so hard to afford living on your own. Anyway, I think you said that he asked you out? If so, that's great. If I misunderstood and he did not, then I still think you should go ahead and ask him out. Again, most people don't divulge their whole life story immediately on the first date, so don't worry too much about what you tell him about your situation. There is always time to go into detail later if the relationship continues.

Good luck to you.

[hBetty]

Okay guys this is not an update really..but it's the WHOLE story (can't believe i find it difficult to open up & share my whole story even on a forum but here goes...) today i woke up being more confused than ever. My friend's mom (who i've known for over seven year's now..& she is my mom's close friend) after over a year we last talked, called & asked how i'm doing. If i knew it was her i would have never answered her call. So it's got me thinking & i realize i kinda miss her & ofcourse her son/my friend even more. See this guy has/had feelings for me & he knows that i know, since 7 years ago! & i had feelings for him too except he doesn't know it -why we never got together? Here's why..i learnt recently that 7 years ago..(i was still in high school) my mom would have this friend of her's n her son come over to our place real often cuz she thought i didn't have too many friends, i was shy etc etc & that i seemed depressed & lonely ( truth is i was quiet popular in school but was never really close to anybody, avoided going to my friends' place so they wouldn't come over to mine: & the reason for that is another long story again). So obviously m angry cuz it's like he's not been a real friend all this time..he was like my ' pity friend' ! & then i learnt again that his mom however had other intentions...she actually wanted me and her son to get to know each other since from our very young age..like its sme sort of creepy matchmaking thing she is doing (We're both from..i could say well to do families: & it's some weird ass thinking they got here : we're a small tribe in northeast india: our culture is different not the popular 'indiany'kind:just real diffrent .lol) & so it was all just gross to me. & that is y i never dated him:/
He & i haven't talked in over a year: he has deleted his watsapp, facebook ..u name it! Just 2 years ago he told me he'd try to get into medical college too & that he'd be a doctor too & we'd work in the same hospital wen we grow up!lol (he was being so cute: he was 18 then:he s 4 years younger to me). But he couldn't get into any university last year :so maybe he's embarrassed/disappointed idk:he will try again this year,his mom says he spends most of his time studying: hardly talks to anyone..yeeesh..he sounds miserable.
6 months ago and on the day i posted this thread : i never thought of him ,believed i didn't have feelings for him anymore:also because of this other guy n my growing feelings for him ( i bet i hv forgotten to mention this other guy n i have been friends for over 4 years now). I don't know why i ever answered that call: just when i was about to,you know.."talk" to this other guy,n now m all confused.
Is it possible that i like them both & equally:how can anyone have feelings for two people at the same time? I mean suppose i imagine them both hanging over a cliff both by one finger and both at equal distances from me..& hell i don't know who i'd go and save first!! lol. You know this is crazy...this whole "love" thing isn't for me...i should just get two pet kittens & a gold fish and live happily ever after..
But what do you guys think i should do?

[TheEvilJester]

That is, unfortunately, a tricky situation in which you find yourself. None of us can really tell you what to do as that is the sort of decision that has to come from you. If I understand correctly, you are not officially boyfriend/girlfriend with either of them, or for that matter even really dating them at this point, correct? If that is correct, then I think if nothing else you should try dating both of them, but just make it very clear to both that it is just that at this stage, just dating, you are not committing to any one person. You don't necessarily have to go into specific details, (at this stage, they don't necessarily need to know about each other) but just so that they don't make the mistaken assumption that because you are going out with them that you are exclusive.

IF it is what you want, you owe it to yourself to at least explore both options. I will say this, the fella you've known since you were a kid... I can understand that you were upset to learn that your parents and his kind of forced you two together. There are two important factors you are forgetting, though.

1) No matter how you two met, you wound up liking each other. You even said he has feelings for you (and that you felt you may for him as well). When it comes down to it, who cares how you met? If your parents and his forced you two together and he never really liked you, but pretended to out of pity, THEN I could understand you not wanting to even be friends with him as result. However, sure maybe your parents initially forced the meeting, but you two actually DID become close as result.

2) It wasn't HIS fault that your parents and his forced you two together. Why punish him for something that was equally out of his control as it was out of yours? In the end, he wound up having feelings for you anyway.

Anyway, the only way you will ever know which of them you feel is a better match is if you explore both options. Unless maybe there is something obvious you are possibly ignoring that makes one better for you than the other. Otherwise, if you just choose to go with one fella over the other without really much of a reason, you may just keep wondering what could have been with the other guy. You wouldn't be giving your choice the proper love and attention he'd deserve because you'd be thinking about some other guy.

Don't get me wrong. It's not something you should drag on for long. Eventually, you would need to decide which of them you feel is the better match and let the other one go. And by eventually, I mean before either relationship gets too far.

Good luck to you. For that matter, if you honestly decide it is better for you just to be alone right now, then that is perfectly fine too. Whatever you decide is best, I wish you the best and that you find what makes you happy.

[hBetty]

Thankyou Eviljester,first of all for reading through all my posts & for all the advice & especially for making me realize a lot of things i've never realized before.
& NoW i've realized one thing: i'm quite dumb n naive (even dumber cuz i posted this thread in the first place). My life isn't like some fairy tale where m like "oooh i'm leaving home & my past behind & m gonna be with this guy & everything will be perfect from now on !"
Rite now, me not dating anyone for now seems like the perfect idea.
You see this guy i knew from when we were kids: we're kinda like kindred souls,crazy moms n al : his mom kicked out his dad:she comes home drunk &with a guy most nights & he seems to be taking care of her instead of the other way round . He tries to do the right thing all the time...i however try to fix things by doing all the wrong things: i was 14 when my mom told me to steal money from my dad's jacket pockets & so i did:i did it to please her i took pride in what i did instead of feeling guilty:actually i'd feel guilty if i didn't: n so u can imagine all the other things i did for her from that point onwards.
my parents would fight :me being the eldest my mom forced me to take sides & my dad pressuring me to talk to my mom n to fix things n to take responsibility again because m the eldest daughter.So yes this guy and i bonded & we'd joke " our mom's are psychos-no wonder they're friends". How is that a healthy friendship or whatever?he & i are both miserable: i remember spending more time sitting down & talking about our problems than having fun. & what about this other guy? He has a normal family, normal life
Normal & happy everything. Why drag him into my life which is a complete circus?
There is also the fact that i constantly doubt my own feelings. I've dated several guys since i turned 16, then i'd get bored maybe , &then i'd dump them:it's like i was using them as a distraction from my problems at home .I don't see how things would turn out to be different this time.
U know i sound like one of them psychopaths u guys mention about: though i never realized it until i joined love forum n read your posts. Lol.My mom is indebted to a bunch of moneylenders & she has made it clear that i need to help her as soon as i start working (2 months from now) so i guess i got a whole lot of responsibilities. Okay m not supposed to be talking about family drama here lol..but my point is this isn't a good time for pursuing a relationship. What helped me decide is my mom calling me this morning n she was crying (broke up with her new bf). Unlike me, she's a hopeless romantic n i definitely don't know how she feels but i do know i feel guilty that i was being selfish when i planned on leaving home. Despite evrything she is my Mom u know.
So m not leaving home & m definitely not gonna ask any of these guys out. End of story .

[TheEvilJester]

Well, again, it has to be your decision, but based on what you have shared I think I would agree with you on one thing. I think right now it probably is best for you not to worry about dating. However, not really for the same reasons you are citing. I don't think you are a psycho, nor do I think your life is filled with so much drama that you shouldn't be dating right now. Why not? Because EVERYBODY has drama in their life now and then. Nobody is ever 100% free of it. That does NOT make you a bad person and does not mean you shouldn't be allowed to find love.

However, it sounds like you have been through a lot and really should focus on yourself right now. Though, I still think you deserve to find love, and that you should eventually allow yourself that chance. I just think right now it sounds like you need to learn to love you before you learn to love somebody else. It sounds to me like you are putting way too much pressure on yourself, and also too much undeserved blame. As a child, you stole from your father... Yes, that is terrible... but you did it because your mother told you to do it. Your mother is the woman who is supposed to be your moral compass, to teach you right from wrong. How exactly are you supposed to develop those appropriate boundaries if your own mother is clouding that line for you?

What's more, if your home situation is only further contributing to your unhappiness, then you deserve better than that. Yes, family does stick together and help each other out when they can.... but that should never be at the detriment to their own health, well-being, financial security, etc. In other words, sure if you can afford to help out your mom monetarily then feel free.... but not if it comes at the expense of you being able to afford the life you eventually want to live.

That and if a family member only brings you misery, then as unfortunate as it may be, keeping a distance from them may be the best. Yes, there is absolutely something to be said for sticking by your family when they need you..... but there is a reasonable limit to that. For example, if somebody only ever dumps all their problems on you and only ever serves to drag you into the mud with them, rather than using your help to pull themselves back up, then at some point you owe it to your own mental health to care more about yourself.

Am I saying you should stick with your plan to leave home? Not necessarily. I can't know that. It is your life, not mine. I am just saying that needs to be YOUR decision. Not mine, not any potential boyfriend's, not your mom's. You deserve to be happy just as much as anybody else. In the end, if there are things blocking you from being able to achieve that, then maybe they are obstacles that should be removed from your life, even if just temporarily.

Also, if you can afford it and feel inclined to do so, please do not hesitate to seek the help of a professional, such as a therapist. Too many people have a stigma about that and avoid it for silly reasons. It is NOT a sign of weakness to admit when you need help. We all do at some point. So, if you can find a professional who can help you work through some of what you are suffering through, why would you not accept that help?

Again, good luck to you. It sounds like you've not really had a fair shake in life, and that really does stink. I know from experience. I hope things improve for you very soon and you finally find your way to the happiness you deserve.

[hBetty]

Okay i've never really thought about it that way- u know ..that i need to learn to love myself first..i gez i really need to sit down n have a chat with my brain.
It's true, i've considered that if i had the option i should get help. Of course i don't need a therapist to make me realize that i'm being manipulated by my own mother: we have all that we need: yet she borrows money she travels places for God knows what & mostly i fear her & she knows exactly what to say so i feel guilty & she gets me to do what she wants:i know i need to get away from her cuz if this goes on any longer i'd need therapy for real... :/
Unfortunately, getting professional help is out of the question cuz A) there s really no such thing as a "real" therapist ..not in my hometown : priests n pastors r what ppl go to for advice B) what's the point i'm never gonna be able to bring myself to open up & tell my story( small town: everybody knows everybody) C)even if i do speak up, i don't know why i feel no one would believe my story (just like how i feel now when i post my stories in the forum) D) i prefer talking to u guys here
The irony:it was my mom herself who took me to this 'counsellor' when i was 16 becuz ,like i said, to her i seemed "depressed"(i had no clue of course). The guy also sheltered a group of teenage girls all from broken homes. my mom would take me there after school Everyday n he would ask me if i had any problems if i wanted to talk about stuff: i would say Nothing.I bet becuz of what my mom would tell him about me: he told me that all my problems n why m 'sad ' are becuz I don't accept jesus n that i deny him n blahblah Then he would send me with the rest of the girls to the "prayer" room n we'd sit 3-4 hours at a stretch praying! it consumed a lot of my time n i had to sacrifice a lot of my study hours which realy pissed me off. Funny story cuz i could read him like a book when he was the one who was supposed to get through to me first: i realized he was having a super big crush on my mom : while i was "praying" : she & he would be upstairs in the living room chatting. So one fine day :i got up in the the middle of the prayer meeting :snuck out : "stole" my mom's car n drove away leaving her there. That day was fun
So yeah that's the one last reason: i don't trust these nutjobs to help me through my problems..haha.
But i've learned a lot from you: & joining love forum was a super smart thing i did & i gez i know exactly what to do now so thankyou. Although if u have a lot more advice to give me :i'd be happy to hear it !

[TheEvilJester]

Well, this forum is great, and can be a good place to get advice from a variety of people much like you would if you asked around to your friends and family. That really CAN help.... but you have to keep in mind that none of us are professionals. We are just normal people.... well, okay, so "normal" is definitely NOT a way to describe me. Let me rephrase. We are just some normal people and one bizarre, monstrous circus freak (LOL) with our own thoughts/opinions/life experiences/etc.

When it comes right down to it, if you don't feel you need a professional, or truly don't believe it would help, then that is up to you. However, if it could help, don't talk yourself out of it. At least give it a chance. I get your reluctance given the small town aspect, but maybe there is somebody outside of your small town you could try.

Either way, if you feel you can get through it on your own, then I wish you the best in doing that. However you do, though, care enough about yourself to do what is best for you, even if that may mean doing something difficult such as moving out on your own. From what you say, it sounds like your mother does not NEED your financial help, so there is no reason she should be taking advantage of your generosity.