should i just move on???

[elphie]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years a couple of weeks ago. I saw myself spending the rest of my life with him and getting married, but when I would talk to him about the future and try to figure out if we were on the same page, he was always so vague or would joke about it. When I asked him generally if he saw himself getting married, he said no. The only thing he would tell me about his plans for the next couple of years was he wanted to pay off his student loans. He mentioned his job might get relocated and he was on the fence about going; when I asked “what about me?”, all I got was a joke that he would pack me in his suitcase. The bottom-line is our talks were not very productive, and I didn’t want to spend another 2-3 years with someone who wasn’t including me in future plans.

After almost a month, I messaged him to see about meeting. It’s been difficult moving on, and one thing that was nagging me was thinking maybe I had jumped to conclusions (like I said, he gave vague answers or made jokes, so maybe I misinterpreted something). He agreed to meet, and we ended up talking for a couple of hours. It was the first time he was genuinely open about his plans/what he was thinking for the future. He also brought up about possibly giving the relationship a second chance and we talked through a few of the issues we had, though we didn’t have time to get into everything. Aside from the fact that there is still a lot to talk about, one thing that concerns me is that he’s not sure of how he feels; i.e. assuming things worked out and we got back together, he could decide in 2-3 years he doesn’t actually want to spend the rest of his life with me (which, I realize is a possibility with any relationship, but I guess my issue is the current uncertainty….3 years seems like enough time to know if you want to stay together or not, no?)

At any rate, after talking, he said we should both think about stuff. It’s been a week, and I haven’t heard anything. I can’t seriously make any kind of decision just based off the last conversation because I still have some concerns that we didn’t get to cover. On the other hand, I feel like I’m in limbo, wondering if I keep moving on or seriously contemplate trying again; if we’re going to talk about it, I don’t want to wait too long, the break-up has been hard enough as it is. I already reached out and set-up the initial meeting, so it seems a bit much to contact him again. He’s got to show some effort too, right? I’m wondering if he’s planning on contacting me either way though, or if he’s just going to forget about it.

One last thing. A couple of days after meeting with him, I logged into my old dating profile (that’s how we met); I’m not ready to date yet by any means, but as part of the moving on process, I was curious who was on there as something to look forward to when I am ready. Guess who reactivated his account…my ex… Not only that, he updated everything too, including posting pictures from trips we took together (and cropping me out). This has been really hard for me and I’m a little confused; he waited three years to date after his last ex, and he couldn’t even wait a month to start again after dating me. He’s the one who brought getting back together up in the first place, and seemed like he was seriously considering it, and now he’s already trying to date again. I’m kind of assuming at this point that that’s my answer (because even though we dated for 3 years, I have no idea if he’s planning on at least giving me the courtesy of an answer one way or another, or if he’s planning on disappearing); that he’s thought about it and decided he’s not interested anymore, but I wanted to get a guy’s perspective.

[melancholia]

When I asked him generally if he saw himself getting married, he said no. The only thing he would tell me about his plans for the next couple of years was he wanted to pay off his student loans. He mentioned his job might get relocated and he was on the fence about going; when I asked “what about me?”, all I got was a joke that he would pack me in his suitcase. The bottom-line is our talks were not very productive, and I didn’t want to spend another 2-3 years with someone who wasn’t including me in future plans.

I'm guessing he isn't stupid. So I doubt he misinterpreted what you were asking of him. If you flat out asked him if he sees himself getting married and he said, "no", then you need to take him at his word. Sure, he could change his mind, but his deflective responses to your serious question says, to me, that he isn't ready to even consider getting married at this point. You are right that 3 years should be enough time for someone to decide if they want to marry their SO, and clearly your ex isn't at that point in his life where he is ready for that step. The last thing you want to do is talk someone into marrying you. If you have to shake the head of the person you're with to make them see that what you have together is worth it, then it will never be worth it to them. At least not in the same way it is to you. Another thing you don't want to do is waste your time on someone who isn't ready for the same things you are ready for. It's perfectly ok for you to want to get married, and maybe you are ready for that milestone; but as much as it's ok for you to be ready for that next step, it's perfectly acceptable for him not to be. I think your gut instinct to end the relationship was the right move, and I think you are back tracking because you are worried he may be the only one out there for you. But I guarantee you that he isn't. Relationships don't have to be disastrous to warrant a break up. A break up is perfectly acceptable for any reason, and the reason here is that you two don't want the same things at the same time.

It’s been a week, and I haven’t heard anything...I still have some concerns that we didn’t get to cover.

Did you straight up ask him whether or not he wants to marry you? How exactly did the conversation go, and what pieces of the conversation were left out, if you feel anxious about it? Guys definitely need more time to mull things over, especially if the discussion wasn't brought about on their own volition. He may need more time than one week to think about what was discussed, and then how to respond to you once he's decided how he feels about it.

As for the dating profile, it's been proven that guys tend to be hit harder by breakups than women are, and almost always go for the rebound immediately after the relationship ends. That's typical behavior of dudes. I don't think it's a sign that he doesn't care about you, or that the relationship wasn't as significant to him as it was to you, I think it's purely a way for him to keep his mind off of the negative, by seeking the attention of people via online dating. Also, you are active on this dating site now, so it's kind of a moot point. Besides, you two are officially broken up, so both of you are free to do whatever you want, with whomever you want. As shitty as that is to hear, it's true. You're not in the position to create boundaries for him when it comes to seeing the company of other women at this point. Having said that, just because he's reactivated his account, doesn't mean he's actively looking to date someone. I think if you two get together again to talk things over, you should bring this up; but only if he has said he has given a lot of thought to the idea of you two getting married, and you two both want to get back together.

[elphie]

When we first started dating, he talked a bit about marriage (not to me, but just that he saw himself getting married and having kids), and that had been enough for me; to at least know that it was something he wasn't totally opposed to. More recently, I didn't straight up ask him if he wanted to marry me, but what his feelings on marriage were. That's when he told me he didn't see himself getting married. This was a couple of months ago. Since then I'd been trying to decide if I was ok with that, how long I was willing to wait for him to maybe decide he was actually interested again, or if I should just end things. It ended up eating away at me, not specifically because he might not want to, but more because he's not very emotionally expressive, and the uncertainty of not ever really knowing how he was feeling got to me. I didn't put any pressure on him to marry me. But I did want him to at least include me in making decisions (like if he has to relocate for work), what his current plans are (asking if I was ok with this or ok with that), stuff like that to at least know he is serious about the relationship. I don't think that was too much to ask, especially since we had dated 3 years.

As to feeling anxious, I was feeling anxious that I misinterpreted what he said more recently about not having any future plans with me. After meeting with him, I definitely felt more confident that I had read the situation correctly. However, he brought up getting back together, and the fact that he was actually willing to sit down and hold an "adult" conversation, something he hadn't really been willing to do before made me willing to at least hear him out and consider it. One of his "issues" with the relationship was the time suck; he wanted more time to have to himself and to see friends (and for the record, we didn't see each other all that often as it was, there were definitely periods of time where he spent just as much time, if not more, with friends and not me). I think that's a big part of the confusion and anxiousness now. He resented me in ways for taking away his time, and now he's online dating, which I know from experience is a huge time suck. I get that he needs time to make a decision, but based on the info I currently have, I can't make any other decision but to move on. In order for me to even consider getting back together, we would need to set some kind of parameters/address the issues we were having. I would like to do that sooner rather than later; if we can't figure stuff out now, then it's probably not going to work out. And if we can, then I'd want to do it while I'm still willing to give him a chance. Like I said before, this break-up has been particularly hard on me, and once I've moved on, I will be considerably less willing to give it another chance.

[melancholia]

I didn't put any pressure on him to marry me. But I did want him to at least include me in making decisions (like if he has to relocate for work), what his current plans are (asking if I was ok with this or ok with that), stuff like that to at least know he is serious about the relationship. I don't think that was too much to ask, especially since we had dated 3 years.

This is the most mature way to think. You're perfectly normal for having those expectations, especially from a relationship you've invested 3 years of time and effort into. Honestly, if after three years he hasn't thought about marrying you, that isn't a good sign. It sounds like he hadn't put any thought into marriage at all, and then when prompted by you to make a decision one way or the other, he leaned toward "no". Did you have the conversation with him about wanting to be included in his future plans? How did he respond to that?

He resented me in ways for taking away his time, and now he's online dating, which I know from experience is a huge time suck.

Spending adequate amounts of time together is what a relationship is all about. When you say that you weren't together all too often, what do you mean by that? Several times per week, once per week, or less than that (on average)? I ask because some people have very different ideas about how much time they think should be spent with their significant others. Resentment comes from a lack of efficient communication. I think being able to do your own thing without your SO is important for a successful relationship, but the success of that relationship is also determined by the quality of time you are spending together. Not the frequency. Had you two discussed living together at all before the break up occurred?

I get that he needs time to make a decision, but based on the info I currently have, I can't make any other decision but to move on.

You sound pretty resolute about your decision to end the relationship, and all of your reasons why you did are completely valid. What I gather from your posts is that you are mature, independent, and resolute about your long term goals you have set for your own life; and he isn't. If his major goals in life are simply to pay off his student loans while he teeters back and forth between deciding to move for his job or not, it really shows a discourse in your mutual goals. You two don't want the same things at the same time, and it sounds like you are getting closer to realizing that the longer you two are apart. I understand your urgency for him to make a decision, but he's clearly not ready to make those steps to meet you where you are at.

I can understand exactly where you are coming from, especially when you say you are willing to give him another chance.... but you are trying to push him to make a decision on your timeline, not his. I don't mean that to say that you are literally telling him, "if you don't make a decision by x-day, I'm giving up on you", but you are creating these expectations based on your needs, and you are expecting him to determine how this plays out. Why not take the power back and make a final decision for yourself? I know it's hard to walk away from someone you love. I really, really get how hard that is to do. But he can't give you what you want. If he could, he would have. He knows you want to get married, and he simply isn't ready. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you as much as he possibly can. What it does mean, is that his best efforts aren't meeting your standards at this point. Yes, I am sure he is a great guy with great qualities, but if he isn't ready to discuss marriage and move forward seriously the same way you are, then you really don't have any choice but to leave him. I've been there before, where you think, "I've invested this much into the relationship, I can give him some more time... what's one more week/month/year"... but you could wake up after five years of waiting, only to end up in the same exact place you are now, and you will have to start over from square one. Is that something you are willing to do just to see if he will eventually come around to the idea of marrying you? I hope not. And I say that because you are deserving of the love and relationship that you crave. You deserve love. You deserve marriage. But love and marriage are not worth it if it's not going to give you what you need; and it doesn't sound like your ex has the capacity to give you what you need.

I think you should try to stop thinking about him. I know that seems futile, and maybe even pathetic; but I think you should stop putting so much thought into interpreting his thoughts. Start asking yourself what YOU want. Start looking toward your own goals, and your own future, and decide for yourself what it is you want. People always say it's important to be your own best friend, and it is 100% true. I think you should focus on your own needs and do whatever the f*ck you want to stay happy, positive, and motivated. Maybe that means hanging out with your girl friends, or going to see a movie you've wanted to see for a while, maybe going out to a new restaurant, or even sitting at home and drinking a bottle of wine in the bubble bath... whatever it is, do something that will take your mind off of this guy and your relationship problems. Either he will realize that he lost a great catch, and he will come back to you and say he's ready to talk about marriage, or he won't. But if you are busy focusing on yourself and your own needs, you will be too busy to worry about his.

I hope you can find the answers you are looking for, and that those answers bring happiness and positive energy to your life. You deserve nothing but the greatest of everything the universe has to offer you; today, and every day.

[lovesickheart]

Well said, Melancholia! I agree 100%.
Elphie, it hurts to move on, but the sooner you are clear about it, the sooner the healing can begin.