Am i unhappy or am i just settled??

[littleoldme]

Hi,

I have been with my partner for 9 years. We got together when i was only 18 with a big 30 year age gap. Yes i know most peoples opinions on that but we fell head over heels and have been extremely happy. Most of the time. The problem is i don't think i am any more. I had a mental breakdown last year which OH was wonderful through but now i don't seem to have the same love and faith in our relationship. I am finding issues with the tinest little things and feel like i'm constantly walking on eggshells. If i go out with girlfriends, which isn't often my plans have to stay exactly the same, cannot be late back, cannot change our minds and go somewhere else or he gets paranoid that i'm up to something. Once a week my best friend and i meet for a drink and a gossip, same day same place but i need to to be back at the same time for dinner, any later and there is a row but just sometimes with my girlfriends we lose track of time but there's hell to pay if we do!! When i do get back he asks me what we talked about, who we talked to etc and if i'm vague with my answers (we are girls and discuss girl things!!) then he gets suspicious and thinks i'm hiding something and being secretive. It's not though, sometimes what girls discuss is just between them!

My sister wants me and her kids to go on holiday and i want to go so badly but separate holidays are definitely not allowed! I broached the subject and he said no, once it's allowed once it'll be happening all the time. I had to go on a one night conference for work and he made me feel so massively guilty! I even had to face time him at bedtime and show him around the hotel room! Even after doing that, i got 20 questions when i got home the next day and he still didn't really believe me.

I am so frustrated with spending every evening just sitting watching telly. I know it's immature but i don't feel like i've ever been 'young' going out getting drunk, making stupid mistakes etc and i do feel slightly like i've missed out! I've been settled in a sort of marriage right from the beginning with him. I constantly feel like i'm a lying, cheating, sneaky person but i've done nothing to warrant it! I have had guys my age flirt with me and ask me out etc but i've always shot them down. I couldn't even tell my OH that someone had asked me out, he would go mental even though it's not my fault! On the flipside, he is the biggest flirt going and flirts constantly, even in front of me! Double standards lol. I love him, i really do but he's very possessive and if i leave him i know he'll do something stupid, he says he can't live without me. He tells me all the time that i haven't a clue how to survive without him because he does the money and rent and important stuff and i do think he's right! We have had a great life with amazing holidays and some fantastic memories so i don't think i'm actually unhappy, just a bit suffocated! I don't honestly know what i want anymore, i just want to live! To be able to do what i want without feeling guilty or having the obligatory argument!

To be fair, i do see his side of each argument. Because of the age gap he is so paranoid i'm going to leave him for someone my own age even though he is the one flirting with and being alone in houses with single women due to his job! I feel like an awful person for causing him the pain i do just because i'm being selfish and wanting to do stuff without him.

So i guess my question is, do you think i'm really unhappy or is this just life? Are we a married couple without the marriage?

[megvoh]

Been together 9 years but are you living together, are you engaged or even married? What is your status with him after the 9 years? He sounds like the age difference is bothering him more and he is gettign scared he'll lose you, that's why all the restrictions, you know if he trusted you he wouldn't question you.

If it is getting to you both, I would go on the holiday with your sister and her kids, enjoy yourself and then re think if you and him still want a relationship when back home. He won't keep you by holding you in a bird cage of his design, you need to be free and fly like everyone else, experience life and be happy.

Odd he can flirt up a storm and disrespect you, but you can't even go on a business trip or hols with your family, hm. You know a lot of men treat women like they are being unfaithful because of their own guilty conscience are you sure he is so innocent, I wouldn't feel guilty, people grow apart and you just don't sound happy with him anymore. Take the family trip.

[hazey daisy]

Leave him. You ARE missing out on life. He is just controlling you with manipulation, guilting you out...you are in a cage. Run away from him as fast as you can, you have so much to enjoy while you are still young. Go out dancing, travel the world, enjoy the affections of hot young men....go for it!!!