friends?

[billfever]

I've posted once (in a different forum) about a LDR I was in. We met online and got to know one another for about nine months before meeting in person. We then spent nearly a year making trips to see each other monthly. Things were great for a time though the distance was difficult. However, there were issues that only now after it's over do I see. We were never "official" as she would say. I was never her boyfriend even though we were clearly in a relationship with all the "I love you", "I miss you" etc. She never told anyone in her life about me. I was a secret. She once dropped me off at a store while she went home to get something (didn't want her family to see me. that can't be good) Her ex-boyfriend was never out of the picture. He continually popped up. she always took his calls and he was ever present. When she ended it she said she never loved me, she was just vulnerable at the time. It was all a mistake, she regretted ever getting involved. That broke me to be honest. I fell apart. I hate to admit that. It's like nearly two years of my life wasted. Yet she said she valued me as a friend because I understood her. She wanted me in her life.

Well since it ended the "friendship" has been non-existent. She has real friends that came back into her life that she hangs out with. When I met her she didn't. She deleted me off Skype, rarely if ever answers a call from me and now rarely ever answers a text. She will randomly call me here or there but I can't reach out to her. She won't answer or return calls or text messages. A few months back I was in her city for business and took time to see her. Initially she said she would love to hang out but when the time came she backed out, coming up with reasons not to see me. I did see her briefly. I guess I was a fool to believe friendship was something she really wanted. I couldn't let go and she couldn't stand to be near me. The reality is she has no feelings for me, wants me gone, no friendship but she won't say it. If someone cared about you as a friend or otherwise they would answer the phone, text message, would want to see you. I guess it just took me too long to open my damn eyes.

I don't think she wants me in her life. Her behavior seems to say it all. My problem is letting go. I don't have any friends to turn to. I'm having a hard time letting go. I've made a fool of myself trying to stay in her life. I made a fool of myself the whole time. I need help.

[hazey daisy]

So sorry for you loss. The best thing you can do is keep busy and maybe take steps to improving your life. There is a reason why you so so attached and can't let this go...you are a very lonely person with no much going on to fulfill your life. When you reach out to people, accept invites for lunches, events, etc ...your social life will open up. You have been a shut in long enough, it's time to be more involved with activities, hobbies and interests. Joining a gym is a good start, then try joining a running group or hiking group, take cooking classes or take dance lessons....anything that will take you out of your comfort zone will reward you with closer friendships. I feel you have a hard time trusting people to even like you. People don't judge you, you are the one that judges yourself. Get busy. Do one task at a time...baby steps with lead to long strides as you gain more confidence in yourself.