I Love My FWB

[JAM62]

Last summer, I met a guy at a bingo hall where he works. He flirted with me for 5 months and asked me for my phone # every time I saw him, which was once a week. I had just gotten out of a relationship, so I wasn’t in any hurry to get into another one. I tried to ignore him the best I could, but I fell for him. After 5 months, I gave him my phone #. He texted me right away. During his second text, I told him I was crazy about him. He got upset, said he was only looking for a FWB. I didn’t realize this. Had I known, I wouldn’t have given him my #. That was the end of his texts for about a month. Plus he treated me differently at bingo. He no longer flirted with me. He acted like he barely knew me. After about a month, he started texting me again. To make this long story as short as possible – I’ll come to the end – or I can go on forever. He texted me about every 2 or 3 days for 4 months and we would text 2-4 hours at a time. We finally became intimate (only once) about a month ago. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be intimate at all because I didn’t know how he felt about me. I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to hear him tell me his still only wanted to be FWB. Anyway, after we were intimate, he told me he’d call me later that night to check up on me. I thought he enjoyed our time together. I know I did. But he didn’t text me that night. I saw him 2 days later at bingo. He acted like nothing had ever happened between us. Two days later, I texted him. He seemed annoyed. He told me he had a lot of issues surrounding him and that he didn’t need any more drama in his life. He said he had bad karma. Of course, he never mentioned any of this before we were intimate 4 days earlier. I got upset, told him he was a player – that he won – good game. He said he didn’t understand what I meant. I didn’t explain. I told him he should never have started anything with me. He said he never started anything. He said he was seriously considering moving out of state. That’s when I lost my mind and told him I was in love with him. He got upset – told me good night and that was the end of our texting. He hasn’t texted me since. I’ve seen him twice at bingo since then. He acts very cold towards me. He only speaks and looks at me when he has to. My questions are – what do I do now? I knew he only wanted to be FWB but if he was going to move out of state, I would rather regret having told him I love him instead of regretting never having done so. When I see him now, how am I supposed to act – especially since he’s being a jerk? Do I pretend to be happy? Do I act how I feel, which is depressed? Do I talk to him like everything is normal in the hopes that he’ll come around or should I ignore him as much as possible, which what he is doing to me? I’ve never once told him that I hope he loves me also. I’ve never mentioned being in a committed relationship. I just wanted him to know how I felt. If he didn’t love me also, wouldn’t it have been easier for him to just say so? He never did just come out and say so. I’m ha

[hazey daisy]

Good lord girl.....he DOES NOT love you or ever hope to. He isn't acting like a jerk, he is avoiding you because you won't get it through your head that he doesn't have any serious interest in you. Sure he had sex with you, he likes sex...with anyone who is willing to give it to him. And don't think for a second you are the only one he is chasing or was getting into bed with.

Time to get out of that fantasy land you are floating around in. He's not interested so leave the poor guy alone. You are being obsessed and it's freaking him out.

Sorry to say this but you are a very lonely person...in fact quite lost. It would do you a world of good to find other social things to do like reconnect with old friends or visit family, go on a day trip somewhere, meet new people...add some fulfillment to your life.

[JAM62]

Well, he was interested because he asked for my phone # once a week for 5 months. And then he initiated 95% of our texts which lasted several hours per week. So, I'm not sure why you're telling me to "leave the poor guy alone." Seriously? The poor guy? Your holier than thou attitude wasn't necessary. All I'm really concerned about right now is how to act around him now that he is totally ignoring me (until he has to talk to me) and is also ignoring my mom - I play bingo with her. It's quite awkward now. I realize telling him I loved him was stupid - but it's a little late for that now. I don't want him back - I just need to know how to deal with the mess I made. Do I apologize? Just act like nothing ever happened? Pretend like I don't know him - since that's the way he's behaving?

[melancholia]

After 5 months, I gave him my phone #. He texted me right away. During his second text, I told him I was crazy about him. He got upset, said he was only looking for a FWB. I didn’t realize this. Had I known, I wouldn’t have given him my #. That was the end of his texts for about a month. Plus he treated me differently at bingo. He no longer flirted with me. He acted like he barely knew me. After about a month, he started texting me again. To make this long story as short as possible – I’ll come to the end – or I can go on forever. He texted me about every 2 or 3 days for 4 months and we would text 2-4 hours at a time. We finally became intimate (only once) about a month ago. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be intimate at all because I didn’t know how he felt about me.

Yes, you did know how he felt about you, because he told you he only wanted a FWB relationship with you. You chose to ignore that.

Anyway, after we were intimate, he told me he’d call me later that night to check up on me. I thought he enjoyed our time together. I know I did. But he didn’t text me that night. I saw him 2 days later at bingo. He acted like nothing had ever happened between us. Two days later, I texted him. He seemed annoyed. He told me he had a lot of issues surrounding him and that he didn’t need any more drama in his life. He said he had bad karma. Of course, he never mentioned any of this before we were intimate 4 days earlier.

He never mentioned it before because he didn't care to actually get deep with you. He just wanted to bang you and leave you hanging. He is a complete jerk!

I got upset, told him he was a player – that he won – good game. He said he didn’t understand what I meant.

Not only is he a jerk, he is a f&cking idiot

I told him he should never have started anything with me. He said he never started anything. He said he was seriously considering moving out of state. That’s when I lost my mind and told him I was in love with him.

You are not in love with him, honey. You are infatuated with someone who is committed to treating you like sh*t. Why do you think you deserve to be treated this way when there are plenty of men out there who know how to treat a woman right?

He got upset – told me good night and that was the end of our texting. He hasn’t texted me since.

GOOD RIDDANCE!

My questions are – what do I do now?

You pick yourself up, consider it a loss and complete waste of your time, and you MOVE ON!

I knew he only wanted to be FWB but if he was going to move out of state, I would rather regret having told him I love him instead of regretting never having done so.

And you did that. How did it feel when he not only rejected you, but tried to make you feel crazy and insecure about your feelings? That is called gaslighting, and it's a manipulative technique people use to place the burden of discomfort onto you, when they are the ones who are displaying negative behavior.

When I see him now, how am I supposed to act – especially since he’s being a jerk?

You ignore him entirely. Consider him a non-entity to you and pretend like you don't know who he is, and that you've never seen him before. Move on with your life and start focusing on positive energy and people who bring good things to your life.

Do I pretend to be happy?

YES.

Do I act how I feel, which is depressed?

No. But you aren't depressed. You are disappointed and you are feeling confused about why he would treat you this way. Which is both understandable and normal.

Do I talk to him like everything is normal in the hopes that he’ll come around or should I ignore him as much as possible, which what he is doing to me?

Nope. Do not talk to him at all. Do not waste one more second of your time on him.

I’ve never once told him that I hope he loves me also.

OH MY GOODNESS, he DOESN'T LOVE YOU. People who love other people do not treat them this way. If he loved you, he would treat you right and he would want to be with you. So don't even bother entertaining the fantasy that he cares about you, because people don't even do this kind of thing to their friends. He doesn't care about you at all. Not one bit.

I’ve never mentioned being in a committed relationship. I just wanted him to know how I felt. If he didn’t love me also, wouldn’t it have been easier for him to just say so? He never did just come out and say so. I’m ha

He didn't have to say so. His actions proved that he doesn't love you, he doesn't care about you, and he certainly does not have an ounce of respect for you. The only thing he said that was true, is that he is bad karma, and he has issues. I think you should re-read your original post, but pretend it is someone else in this position. Read carefully through everything and pay attention to the signs of his sh*tty behavior. I know that some of what I've said here is harsh, but you need some tough love right now. I do not want you to feel bad, but I want you to give your head a shake and realize that this is not love. It's OK that you were excited about someone who gave you attention. He pursued you for quite a long time before you gave in, and you gave in because you thought what you two had was real. But the second you told him how you really felt, he used that against you; and he wanted to hurt you by making you feel bad about it. That is not love. People who treat other people this way are damaged, insecure individuals who do not have respect for other people's feelings or time.

I think it might be a good idea for you to stay away from the bingo hall, or any other place where you might run into him. It is only going to exacerbate the pain and frustration you are feeling right now. Give yourself some distance from him and this twisted relationship so that you can gain some clarity. Right now you are in denial about how he feels about you and about what this situation means to both of you. To you, it means that you've put energy and effort into finding a deeper connection with someone you thought was great. For him, it was a fun party game that he didn't have to put much effort into in order to get you into bed. I am in no way saying you are an easy lay, please do not misunderstand me here. What I am saying is that texting someone for a few months isn't a lot of effort, and for him, it was easy to do that with you in order to get you to trust him enough to sleep with him. I think you need to redefine your idea about what love means, and what a meaningful, significant relationship should look like.

I think you should try taking a quiz about what your attachment style is for relationships, and what your love language is. There are lots of free questionnaires you can take online that will help you gain more self-awareness, so that you can develop secure, healthy attachments with people who treat you right. You do not deserve to be treated like this. You deserve to be with someone who cares for you, and respects you. This guy does not care for you, nor does he respect you. You should demand to be treated better, and if he does not have the capacity to do that, then you need to kick him to the curb and move forward with your life, without him.

I am sorry to hear you got played so hard. We've all been there. Be gentle with yourself, be good to yourself.

Big Love to you, dear one.

- Melancholia

[Wakeup]

Op: This guy is not a jerk nor is he an idiot and enabling dialogue like that is not going to teach you a thing.
This guy wanted to have sex with you because he found you attractive. He was pursuing you for sex and he was clear about in what dynamic he wanted to have it in with you.
He gave you zero indication that he loved you and he gave you zero indication that you should "love" him. Love is an action word and he showed you zero actions that he cared past having consensual sex with you but you were too naïve and silly to keep your feelings of infatuation and lust (certainly it was not love) to yourself and you scared him off. Now you feel foolish which is normal considering what you did was foolish. Water under the bridge now so just act normal like you don't give a flying fvck about him or how he feels about you because frankly, with what little interaction you two have had (texting? So What?) you shouldn't give more then that.

Act normal and learn from this so you don't make the same mistakes in your future. Believe a guy when he says he only wants to have you for sex and nothing more.

- - - Updated - - -

BTW: You were NOT played either. Don't keep yourself mired in victimhood by listening to enabling dialogue like that. You won't learn from this is you don't own up to your contribution to all of this. He was upfront about what he wanted and you chose to ignore all that. If anyone played you, you played yourself by failing to view the situation as it was presented to you.

[melancholia]

After reading the replies from the other contributors, and re-reading the original post, I do have to agree that he was very clear about not wanting more than a casual FWB type relationship with you. I still think some of his behavior was rude, but I think you definitely misread the signals he was giving you from the beginning. It sounds like you crave attention, and that the instant someone gives it to you, you hold onto it for dear life. I think you should take some time to really reflect on yourself, your life, your needs, and what you value in a relationship. If you are looking for a more serious, committed relationship, you would do well to make a list of the qualities you need in a partner, and in a relationship so that you can identify when it is real and when it's just for fun, and not serious. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new love interest, but if you talk yourself out of what you really want to become more appealing to someone else, then you will miss out on what you want and deserve from someone you are dating.

Give up on this guy right now. He is not interested in pursuing anything more with you than casual sex. If that isn't enough for you (and clearly it is not), then you need to cut ties with him and move on. Do not try to talk to him; block his phone number; and leave him alone. You will heal from this situation much quicker if you keep yourself at a safe distance from him, at least until you can think clearly and rationally about this.

[hazey daisy]

I stand behind my post. You are being upset at because I won't sympathize with you. You need to be accountable for ignoring the obvious, that he only wanted sex. You failed to ask him his intentions because you" Didn't want to hear he only wanted FWB". Just own it. How to act around him? Just ignore him.