Relationship and Sex?

[Allie]

I am having an issue, I am in a newer relationship. We have been together for almost 6 months lived together for about 4 months, But it seems like the sex part has diminished. He keeps telling me its not me that he just doesn't have the desire very often. I don't know what to do.

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I feel like I am doing something wrong even though he says I am not, I am Going crazy.

[hazey daisy]

His attention is going to someone else or you rushed this moving in together and the excitement/mystery of getting to one another has diminished....he's gotten bored of you. Sometimes a relationship just burns out before it gets off the ground. Bottom line you need to move out because it's nothing but down hill from here.

[Allie]

We talked a little about it again last night and he said he is just stressed...parents divorce covering all the bills in the house till its all finalized. And he doesn't have time for anyone else. All of his free time is with me. And he doesn't use a cell phone..

[melancholia]

I agree that in rushing your relationship so quickly, some things have started to die off. When you first get together with someone new, it's typical to get down often, and it's difficult to keep your hands off each other because that's the most exciting part of a new relationship - the sex with a new person, trying new things, etc. However, it's normal for things to slow down a bit as you move from the honeymoon stage to a deeper connection with your partner. Except, you've only been together for 6 months... that's not a long time. It's my opinion that you should never move in with a partner earlier than 1 year, and I say this from personal experience. It doesn't matter how much you love each other, how well you think you know each other, or how long you've been together; once you move in together, it changes the dynamics of your relationship. A lot of people don't keep that in mind when they move in with a partner. They think things will stay the same, but you get to spend more time together and share your life with another person. As exciting as that is, it is stressful as well because now you have to deal with someone else living with you, who's always around, and who has their own living habits and expectations they've learned throughout their lives.

Since you already live together, it's not easy to go back a step and stop living together, so you need to address the problem head on. How long has the sex issue been going on? Are you initiating and he is turning you down? Are you both on opposite schedules and don't have a lot of time together? While stress can absolutely affect a person's sex drive, it also sounds like you need to reconnect with each other and get back to that place where you are excited to be around the other person, and you're excited to touch each other's bodies and have fun. When we place responsibilities over fun things, the fun things take a back seat, and it's not fun for anyone. Try talking to him again, and ask him what he thinks may help get you both to a better place, sexually.

[Allie]

It is almost like I have to schedule which h day of the week we are going to have sex. He gets into it when we finally do have sex. He said he is under a lot of stress. He doesn't like talking to much just keeps reassuring me that it's nothing to do with me that he has always been this way.

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I was kinda wondering the same thing. But this has only been going on for a little over a month maybe. We do work opposite shifts buy I try to be awake when he gets off work but he is usually tired and goes right to sleep when he gets home. He doesn't like texting either.

[Wakeup]

This is the strange man you moved in with. He is showing you who he is. Do you like what you see?

Can I ask why on earth you would move in with a stranger? You're lucky he's not an axe murderer and he's not getting it on with you because he's too tired from his last killing spree. O.o

[TheEvilJester]

I do have to say that I agree 6 months sounds like an awfully quick amount of time for his interest in sex to already be diminishing. So, I do see where that could cause concern. However, I don't know if I would necessarily jump to the conclusion that he is less interested in you, or that he is cheating, or anything like that.

It is entirely possible that is just naturally how he is. Believe it or not, there are some guys who are not as sex crazed as men in general seem to be. I am living proof. I enjoy sex just fine, and want/desire it if/when I am in a relationship (so never) as the beautiful expression of love between myself and my gal it should be. (That and, of course, it also is fun/feels good. Don't get me wrong. I am human.... I think.... mostly....) However, unlike it seems most guys, I don't NEED sex. It isn't everything I think about at every waking moment of my life. I don't want to be with a gal and have her in bed 24/7. When I imagine having a girlfriend (since probably the only way I ever will is in my head), I do not imagine the sex. I imagine the intimate moments holding hands, or kissing, or just holding on to each other. It's not that I don't want sex, it's that, to me, the sex should really be an extension of our love, not the only way we feel we can express it.

So, it could be entirely possible your fella just doesn't have the same sex drive men typically seem to have. And that CAN actually be a really good thing. It means, unlike some guys, when he does have sex with you, you will know it is because he wants to/he loves you. If that is the case, you can trust that he's not just with you for the sex.

The bottom line, though, even if that IS the case, if his sex drive is not enough for you, then that could be reason enough that you two are not compatible. I mean, if it IS just that he has a lesser sex drive, that doesn't make him wrong, so don't treat him as though he's done anything wrong. By the same token, though, it also doesn't make you wrong if you desire it more. So, if it is bothering you, just talk to him about it. Not in any heated/accusatory way, mind you. Just talk to him to try to get a feel for why he is less interested and whether you two can find a perfect balance that works for you both.

Maybe you two aren't so far off that you can't find a happy medium. At the end of the day, though, if your sex drives are different enough that it doesn't work for you two, then you would NOT be wrong for deciding it best just to move on. Sex shouldn't be the only important thing in a relationship. It shouldn't even really be the most important thing. ....But it is still important. So, it is important that you two are sexually compatible. If you are not, that is never going to change and is likely only going to drive you further and further apart.

Good luck to you either way. I hope it goes well for you.

[Allie]

He was not a strange man for one. He is my boyfriend.

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Thats exactly what he says its just not something he thinks about 24/7 I just want to make sure. As with me with having a strong desire of wanting it a lot and such it kinda sucks. LOL. When we are intimate though he really does put in the effort.

[hazey daisy]

I find it strange because men use sex as a stress reliever.

[TheEvilJester]

He was not a strange man for one. He is my boyfriend.

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Thats exactly what he says its just not something he thinks about 24/7 I just want to make sure. As with me with having a strong desire of wanting it a lot and such it kinda sucks. LOL. When we are intimate though he really does put in the effort.

Honestly, that doesn't necessarily suck so much. Most guys would LOVE that. So, don't feel bad and don't be ashamed. Again, I understand how you feel. It almost makes you feel petty if that is what causes you two to be incompatible. The thing is, it is NOT petty. It would be one thing if you two were able to have a reasonable balance that kept you both happy and somehow that still wasn't enough. But, if you two are far off enough, that IS a valid reason to ponder if maybe you are not a good match. Like I said, sex shouldn't be the only important thing in any good relationship (not even the most important thing) but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be important.

If you two are able to find a happy medium, then great. If not, then that could be a good enough reason that you are not compatible. Again, though, let me stress that neither of you is in the wrong for the way you are. That he wants sex less than your typical guy is not wrong. That you want sex more than he does is not wrong. What would be wrong would be for either of you to force the other into something with which they are not comfortable. Hopefully it doesn't have to come to that, but if it does I hope you are both strong enough to realize that maybe it just doesn't work between you two.

Good luck to you either way. I hope you find your happiness very soon, whether that does wind up being with this fella or not.