Would you be upset, or is it just me?

[Persona]

So, my birthday is this weekend (woop, woop!), and my friends are throwing a party for me on Saturday since my actual birthday is on Sunday. I've been dating/seeing this one special guy for three months now. My natural instinct when my friends told me about this event was to invite him. To me, it's been a good amount of time to finally introduce him to my close friends. I talk about him all the time, I like him! It'd be great to finally get to show him off to my friends and make good memories with him.

Here's the thing. I've known about this party for a few weeks now, and I've brought it up to him a few times to let him know to see if he's free that weekend. He's been really confusing though because when I told him about it the first time, he told me he was coming. A little while later, I was talking about the details of the party, and he told me he didn't know what he was doing that weekend anymore because he has a cousin and a close friend who have a birthday those days as well. And FINALLY, this week I brought it up one last time and he told me he doesn't think he'll be celebrating with his cousin this weekend for some reason that I don't know. Don't know about his friend. But he said he'd let me know.

I'm getting confused and also really irritated/tired of trying to know if he's coming or not. Of course, if he doesn't come, I'll be upset. But my friends keep telling me that if he doesn't come, I shouldn't really let him ruin my birthday or the party. It's a lot easier than it sounds.

I don't want to be too blunt and tell him that he needs to give me an answer immediately, but at the same time I don't want to get my hopes up.

Maybe I'm just in over my head. ;-(

[Jffs24]

It's your birthday and they after three months would be considered a bf, so there should be no excuse for him not to go with you to your b-day party -- maybe the dude is wanting to surprise you so that is why all the I don't knows and avoidance.

[melancholia]

I think your problem is that you are skirting around the question. You are trying to find out if he is free that weekend, rather than straight up asking him. So you need to be more direct and say, "Hey, I would really love to have you at my birthday party. It will be fun for everyone and I'd love for you to meet my friends." There. Done deal. He can decide whether or not he wants to go, and then you can go from there depending on his answer.

[twooddtrees]

I think your problem is that you are skirting around the question.

YES! this is right. You are playing games, and maybe he doesn't want to dive in with someone who plays games. You may honestly not realize that you are playing games. Obviously this is the next step, and he may be hesitant. Bottom line, if you do not ask directly, you wont ever get what you want. Tell him you want him to come. That is it! If he does not make it happen, knowing you clearly asked, then you have an issue!

[TheEvilJester]

Persona would have to offer more details on exactly how the subject was discussed/the wording used, but at least based on what Persona has shared, I don't necessarily think it is fair to accuse our OP of "playing games." I definitely do agree with what some of you have said, that the best bet would have been just to ask him more directly. In fact, I think melancholia's suggested wording was even pretty good. All that said, I don't think Persona is guilty of "playing games." If anybody is, it's the boyfriend, though frankly I don't know if I would necessarily say he is either.

I most definitely understand where Persona is coming from. I can kind of understand maybe not wanting to seem pushy. That's maybe why, rather than just saying "Hey, my friends are having a birthday party for me on Saturday and I'd love it if you can be there" Persona instead more so framed it as "Are you available Saturday?" Either way, if he really could not be there, he can easily just say that.

Now, getting back to the original point of this post. Honestly, I do think you have every right to be upset. That said, I don't necessarily think it is enough of an offense to let it turn into a fight or cause you to re-think whether or not you even want to be with him. Three months is long enough that one would assume you two would be serious, but not so long that it is unbelievable that he may have already had tentative plans to celebrate a friend/relative's birthday that same day.

Also, some people are, unfortunately, just bad in general at committing to plans. I personally always find that a little annoying/disrespectful, but I have to remind myself that this is just how some people are. In other words, I agree with you that it is very aggravating that he cannot just give you a straight answer. I also agree with what some of the others have said in that if you've been together for three months, there is no reason he shouldn't be able to celebrate your birthday with you.

But, if he winds up not being able to attend this party, there is no reason you two can't celebrate your birthday together some other day. So, I definitely do not think you are wrong to be upset, but I also don't think it is anything you should let bother you TOO much if you can help it. Frankly, sometimes you can't help what does and does not bother you. So, if this bothers you enough, then I would say go ahead and talk to him about it. The goal wouldn't be to talk about it while in an upset state, but to wait until you are calm so you can try to maintain the conversation in a way that shows you know/assume he didn't mean to upset you so you are giving him the benefit of the doubt on that.... but that in the future you'd appreciate if he could make plans a little more clearly/decisively.

Again, though, if this is so far his one and only offense, I'd ideally recommend just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and let it slide unless this becomes something that is common place for him.