Needing advice - complicated connection

[CrystalLight]

Hey,

I need some serious help/advice. For years, and maybe perhaps for my whole life, I have been swallowing feelings for another man. I am at the stage now where I feel like a complete idiot... a crazy woman who feels too deeply. I have never been able to tell him how I feel, and I just don't know if he thinks in the same way as me - that we have a really beautiful connection. We've never really talked about it.

This man isn't just 'anyone' to me, it's complicated. I guess you could say that he was/is(?) my best friend. And no, he is not my brother. I also happen to be older than him by 5-6 years (I'm 27), but that doesn't really mean anything to me. Not anymore, anyway. It used to mean something to me... I was very aware of it, for his sake. In saying that I also feel as if I never gave him enough credit, but that's too hard for me to believe - he means so much to me, and he always will.

The thing is, I always walk into dates/relationships with other people believing that I'm alone in this... or by blocking it out entirely. Yet I also believe that by doing so (dating other people) it's possible I might be hurting him? I feel that I'm hurting him. I don't know, and that terrifies me beyond belief. Though maybe I have it all wrong... it's possible that he believes I couldn't care less about him, or perhaps he doesn't feel the same way at all.

I've grown up a lot over the past few years. I am much quieter (introverted) than I was, and I am also more aware of everything and everyone around me. I don't get as anxious or as bouncy as I once did, so I certainly wouldn't have the guts to tell him anything even remotely related to how I feel. I want to, but it seems too hard/complicated/risky. I can't risk losing his friendship. His friendship is so important to me, even during those times where we barely talk to one another.

In life I've always been the chaser, and I guess I'm just tired of wearing those shoes. For so long I lived under the impression that if I don't try, or speak up for what I want, things will forever go unsaid/undone. I'd just like to learn how to switch off that belief in me, and particularly these feelings and thoughts (at least for a couple of days at a time), and be happy regardless? I miss this man terribly, and I love him dearly, but I'm too sensitive to just keep coping with the 'not knowing' part. That part is painfully challenging... my head and my heart hurt.

Maybe I'm just seeing what I want to see.

Any advice as to how I can convince myself that I can be happy without having these questions answered?

Thank you!

CrystalLight

[Dream_of_Waves]

Not an expert on complicated relationships, and I have no idea what makes your connection complicated, but if you think the complication is the age gap you shouldn't. 5 to 6 years is nothing, and this guy is now in his early 20s. He's mature enough to realise that from this point forward age means nothing. Btw, everyone knows that the best relationships are those where the lady is a little older than her man. This has been proven. Not to mention that age is only a number.

If you really want to forget about him, you have to accept that you never will. He has taken a piece of your heart and you can't get that back. You shouldn't want to, so let him have it.

Why not try talking to him? You don't need to come right out and say it, but you could start by dropping some kind of a hint.

[CrystalLight]

Why not try talking to him? You don't need to come right out and say it, but you could start by dropping some kind of a hint.

I know. It seems so simple, doesn't it?

Unfortunately I'm just not in any sort of a position to say anything. He has so many wonderful things going for him right now... the last thing he should have to be thinking or worrying about is somebody else's feelings. Not that I'd expect anything from him, but it must be distracting knowing that someone cares about you that much. It could also mess with his mind, or scare the heck out of him. It could go either way, really, and I don't want to be the person who puts him through any unnecessary stress.

I love your opinion on how I should just accept that a little piece of my heart will forever be somewhere else. You're right, acceptance is healthy.

Thanks for the lovely words, Dream_of_Waves.

[Dream_of_Waves]

You're welcome.

Just know that this man is a big boy, I'm sure he can handle the heat of another woman's feelings. Isn't life better when you are aware of there being someone out there who loves you more than life, anyway? I doubt he would see that as being any kind of negative!

Whatever you decide to do, you should do what feels right. What will hurt you and maybe even him down the track is if he finds out that you had these feelings all along, and never said anything. I like to say "better late than never", but you don't want to feel more heartbroken than you already feel by leaving it until it's too late.

Hey, what if he does think of you in the same light??

Not trying to be the Devil's advocate, just getting you to think about this. If he values your friendship as much as you value you his then you two should be able to work through anything.

[CrystalLight]

I really don't think that I have it in me to tell him how I feel. This is so difficult for me... I'd never be able to forgive myself if I damaged my friendship with him by saying something that he might find totally crazy. It's very hard to explain, but I'm not about to start burning bridges with a man who means the absolute world to me (just because I felt some desperate need to express myself to him). Yes, life is very short, but one must also be careful to not overstep the boundaries. I always try my best to not do something if I feel it will hurt somebody else.

If I say something to this man it might very well cause him more harm than good... what if my words hurt him? But that's just it, how will I ever know? Haha, you see, that's the hardest part, and that's the part I'd like a little relief from.

I've already accepted that it's unlikely he will ever tell me (if he does feel the same way). Besides, even if he did want to say something to me I haven't exactly made it easy for him. That's another problem in itself, and it's not as if I can just tell him that I want him to say something to me. I do, I want him to say something to me (if he has something to say), but how do I get him to realise that?

I honestly believe that I am in way over my head here. My life isn't nearly as exciting as his. He has so many amazing experiences ahead of him, and so many wonderful people in his life. Why should he feel the same?

I have to say, it's really wonderful to be able to talk about this. Until today I was never able to tell anyone, so thank you so much for listening, Dream_of_Waves, and for giving me advice. It means a lot to me.

[MightyManly]

Hi crystal light.

My advice to you: if you are in a relationship with someone else, I suggest you do not get married until you know for sure how this guy feels. The same rule applies to him if he is in a relationship. Marriage is for life, and divorce is expensive and quite frankly a big pain in the behind. Choose to spend your life with the love of your life, the one who will give you no reason to think '''what if'''. Otherwise marriage is not worth it.

Unless you are backward and go to a traditional Catholic church service every Sunday morning, and you have the power to unnaturally convince yourself that regardless of who you marry you will only think of your husband, then by all means be unnatural. No offence intended.

Best of luck

- - - Updated - - -

If I say something to this man it might very well cause him more harm than good... what if my words hurt him? But that's just it, how will I ever know?

You will only get your answer if.. 1: you ask for one, or 2: this guy beats you to the question.

In my opinion, overwhelming feelings of love for another human being are not meant to be ignored. They exist for a reason.

[CrystalLight]

Thank you both for the advice.

MightyManly, I do have a boyfriend. He is such an amazing man, and I love him very much. If/when he asks me to marry him, I plan on shouting "yes" from the rooftops.

I guess the point of this thread is to figure out whether or not I should try my hardest to have a conversation with the other man? However I'm fairly certain that it's just not worth worrying about any longer... if he were confused about anything I'm sure he'd be attempting to talk to me? And to talk to me about anything, even his day?

I'm trying my absolute best to do the right thing, which is why I think that it's only fair I give this man a chance to tell me if he feels what I have felt for such a long time...

Though I just don't believe he does.

[CrystalLight]

I'm ready to put all of this behind me, and be fully committed to my boyfriend - the love of my life. He constantly makes me laugh, and he makes everything worth it! We are so similar, and I absolutely adore being there for him in every possible way.

I suppose the key to living in the present is to be all there. This is something I have only just recently learned.