We had sex too early

[dolbik]

1.5 months ago I met a young woman (24) on the internet. The first 2 weeks we were chatting a lot and we discovered that we have a lot in common. Afterwards, we were talking via phone for hours almost daily. 1 month after we started chatting, we finally met in person. Since she lives 300km (=180mi) away from me, I came by train. We spent a nice Saturday together, the night I stayed in a hotel, on Sunday we spent another nice day.

She is a very decent woman, so that I didn't try to initiate anything, apart from "cuddling" and a kiss on her cheek.

Several times I mentioned, that I liked her and want to see her again. But she was unsure about that.
2 days later, she called me and told me that she wants to visit me and she even will be staying over 2 nights (Friday to Sunday). I was overjoyed!

The first night we slept in different rooms. However, the next morning we had sex. The rest of the day we had a lot of fun visiting different cities, etc. However, she mentioned, that doesn't feel like it was right to have sex with me after such a short time. But, the next morning we again had sex.

When we went out for a walk, we visited a big church. As she is religious, she went into a prayer room, while I was waiting outside. When she came out she behaved differently. Later, she told me, that she was thinking about the sex we had and that she feels guilty.

I then took her to the railway station, where we were waiting for her train. She is a very confident and "composed" woman, who always controls her emotions. But suddenly, she pulled me to her, put her head on my chest and we remained in that position for some time. It felt like she was going to start crying because she was leaving.
I whispered things like "Please, don't be so strict with yourself. I'm not a guy, who sleeps with women and forgets them afterwards. I have feelings for you. I want to see you again." She was silently nodding.
It seemed like she "dropped her mask" for the very first time. She was so vulnerable. Then, she kissed me goodbye.

2 days later I called her and wanted to make things clear. I wanted to see her again. But, she explained me, that she still feels guilty because she had sex with me so early and even outside of a relationship. Before me, she only had 2 sexual partner, with whom she waited about 4-5 months before having sex. She feels like a "b*tch". She is in an inner conflict with herself and doesn't know, whether we will meet ever again.

Of course, I mentioned several times that she means a lot to me and that I'm very serious about her. Also, I offered her to just meet without having sex for some time, until she feels ready.

I know that she enjoyed our time together, also the sex. It was very nice and she likes me as a person. I know that she wants to meet me, but her conviction makes it difficult for her.
I really felt in love with her and I don't want to lose her.
I do understand, that it is difficult for her, but in my opinion it just doesn't make any sense to just break of our contact. I didn't not hurt her in any way. We really had a great time. That, what would have happened anyway, happened a bit earlier in our case.

Since we really have a lot in common and our dates took several days, not just hours, we developed mutual trust and had sex faster than usual.

We still chat and talk over the phone some times, but she made me clear, that she doesn't know, whether she wants to meet me again, so that we avoid talking about that.

Does anybody has any suggestions for me, how to handle that? I don't want to force her in any way, but I also can't just wait for her to sort things out by herself.

[hBetty]

i think that if she really is against sex outside a relationship she wouldn't have done it on that first morning and definitely not the second time again ..maybe she feels guilty simply for reasons she told you either that or something else is up... so i guess with time you will get to know her better & understand whatever is going on better.

[melancholia]

I don't know... I'm a very sex positive person and I believe if both people want to get down, they should. There's a lot of pressure from outside sources to have sex at "the right time", but to me, the right time is when it feels right... there's no particular time line that people should necessarily follow. For example, I slept with the guy I'm currently dating super quickly, and he is still super awesome and we see each other anywhere between once to three times per week. There was a guy I was dating before him, and we'd been hanging out for several months before we slept together, we only saw each other once per month, and it eventually dwindled down into a non-relationship/friendship without benefits. My point here, is that you can wait a while before having sex, or you can jump right into it... but the timeline of when you start sleeping together is actually irrelevant.

You mentioned in the beginning of your OP, that she was undecided to continue seeing you early on in your relationship. Her hesitation there is probably what fueled her regret in sleeping with you, but I honestly doubt it has anything to do with how soon you two had sex. Also, you never know, but maybe she feels guilty cause she has a boyfriend or something. Honestly, it sucks to hear this, but it sounds like she's just not that into you. Don't give up on finding someone who is stoked to be with you, sleep with you, and get to know you at the same time. Don't waste your energy trying to convince someone to be with you, because if you have to shake their head to make them see that you're worth dating, then you will never be worth it to them; at least not in the way you should be.

[Kates David]

Dolbik
If she`s Catholic her predisposition towards you now makes perfect sense. It also makes perfect sense had she of had sex with you in a bid to curb her suffering on an emotional rebound from an immediately previous relationship. Of the two I think the former to be the most likely. I do n`t believe that many sober girls, and of healthy mind, would make such a mistake with the same guy on two occasions like this, other than should their emotional environment be significantly compromised. Yes, she may be Catholic, and in which case she may have been attempting to escape the narrow minded thinking which comes with it, unsuccessfully in this case. She was definitely compromised of mind, but she regrets the sex, not you, neither do I think that she blames you at all. The best conversation to have with her now is that entirely void of sex. Heck, there is quite a lot of Catholic, which might also be just Christian, thinking in there. No, of the two I do n`t know which is the more likely, but she does sound like a really nice girl, perhaps impossible to repeat nice.

[red romeo]

hmmm you said you care about her right enough to marry her and follow her religion ? sex outside of marrige and all that but if shes done it before means either that particular religious veiw is compromised or she has a personal code so to speak. guilt from sex comes from in my opinion comes from being unfaithful to your goud to spouse partner gf etc. or yourself