She was physically distant at a date

[daveyboy]

I met a girl a while ago. That day, we had a nice conversation. A thing that struck me is that she talked a lot about herself and didn't show any interest in me. She really enjoyed chatting, but it was only about her. When we left, I offered to shake her hand. Even though she enjoyed my company, she was very hesitant and timid to shake my hand.

After a while, I had my first date with her. At the meeting point, I was about to at least shake her hand or give her a little hug, but she was physically very hesitant to come near me. She walked around me and got into my car, which really surprised me. Not even a handshake. In my car, she started to talk again, about her things. She never asked me anything, nor did she ever call me by my name, ever. We had long, interesting conversations about our mutual interests. She shares a lot of the same interests, which is why we can have endless conversations.

During the date, I did touch her arm, back and layed my hand on her knee. She was very relaxed about it and didn't reject it, but she didn't actively participate. We had a fun date and I paid for everything. She didn't offer to pay, nor did she thank me. When I was telling her something about myself, she looked careless and was hearing me out. When I stopped talking, she ignored what I just said and started talking about herself again. She did tell me that she had a good time. When I brought her home, she went out of my car. No hug, no kiss on the cheek, not even a handshake. She simply said she enjoyed it and want to go out again. And she still hasn't even used my name or asked me anything about me, as if she doesn't want to know.

I really like to hang out with this girl because she's nice and I'm very attracted to her, but I feel like it's not mutual. What should I do? Should I go have a second date? I know I don't have much to lose, but I don't want to be taken advantage of either.

[melancholia]

What exactly do you like about hanging out with her? Because it doesn't sound like you actually do. Some of her behavior seems a little strange, but you two just met, so maybe she is just a shy person when it comes to body contact. Everyone is different, so you can't always expect someone to react the same way you would when it comes to hugging/cheek kissing/whatever else. As for the name thing... that sounds like a non-issue to me. I rarely use people's names, tbh. In fact, I went an entire 5 year relationship with almost never calling my BF by his name. I think it's a little odd that you're hung up on that particular thing, although the rest of your concerns sound valid. Again, it's so soon in getting to know each other, so I don't think you should give up yet. Go out with her again and see how it goes. If she only ever talks about herself and seems bored when you're talking, then maybe she is more self-centered than you thought. Another thing I think is a non-issue is that you offered to pay and she didn't offer to pay... so what? Why would you offer to pay if you wanted her to pay half? It boggles my mind when people are passive aggressive about things. If you expected her to pay for your date, you should have been up front about that.

Anyway. Personally, I'm pretty much always willing to give someone a second chance, but I won't waste my time either; so I think you should consider going out with her at least once more. If you're still feeling frustrated with her, then consider it a loss and move on.

[daveyboy]

I'm used to girls offering to share expenses at dates. They want to show that they're independent and respectable. It doesn't bother me, because I usually pay on the first date out of tradition and courtesy and don't want to appear to be a cheapskate.

The thing that makes me worry is that she seems to have no interest at all in me as a person. She doesn't seem to want to know anything about me, as if the entire date evolves around her. As if I'm replaceable by any random bypassing guy in public. One shocking thing to me that I'm not used to is that she seemed to be intimidated by the idea of me engaging for a greet. It's not that I'm going for a kiss on the mouth, but just a casual simple hug, a kiss on the cheek or at least a handshake. She seemed to be scared of that and kept distance from me when she approached me at the meeting point. She quickly rushed around me and got into my car, which felt like a huge rejection.

I will date her again to see how things go. Maybe she's too shy and inexperienced.

[hBetty]

it could be that she sees you as the kinda guy who isn't a much of a sharer, so she chose to go ahead &talk about stuff (even if it was all about herself) hoping that u would feel comfortable around her and that you too would open up to her whenever you're ready. maybe she's the kinda person who prefers the other person telling stuff about themselves on their own because they want to rather than telling them because they are asked.
so i guess u too should be more involved in ur conversations with her instead of just listening to what she has to say. who knows ur last date must have bored her more than it bored u cuz she was constantly talking and u weren't saying much. & maybe she is excited about going on another date cuz she's hoping she will get to know u better.
but if that is really not the case , and she is just plain self-centred, and u go on this second date anyway..you're gonna be simply bored to death.
but things could turn out differently & u'd be surprised & she could be the most fun person u ever met. :-)

[daveyboy]

Whenever I told anything about myself, she looked uninterested. She was very impatient to hear me out. When I told things about myself, she didn't respond to them. She simply waited until I stopped talking and started to talk about herself again. The first time I met her, I told her things about my past, but she didn't seem interested. The only equal way to have conversations with her was to talk about our mutual interests.

I'll just try again.

[red romeo]

in america we call this a hoe or golddigger it is not uncommon to have to pay for all her stuff treat her to movies and dinners along with other crap and not get anywhere
but if the fact that she didnt want physical contact is not a good sign but neither is trying to innate it on a first date slow down guy this will chase them away more often than not

[TheEvilJester]

I will say this.... on the surface my gut reaction is very similar to what you seem to be feeling. I mean, if she seemed completely disinterested any time you had anything to say about yourself.... but then couldn't be more excited to talk about herself.... yeah, my gut reaction would be she's selfish/self-centered. I'd be very tempted to write her off as somebody I'm not interested in having in my life. You even, furthermore, mention that she will sit there sort of impatiently listening while you talk about yourself.... then the moment you stop just launch into a completely different topic like she wasn't even listening. Honestly, if I were you that would make me feel like sh'es basically saying "Thank God you finally stopped talking about your crap so we can get back to ME!"

...All that said, you also go on to say, though, that you enjoyed her company and she seemed to enjoy yours. So, if nothing else, at least she wasn't unpleasant. With that being the case..... there certainly is the possibility that she's not selfish, she's not self-centered, she's just shy. Sometimes people don't necessarily make a great first impression, and they don't always realize they do it.

She could just have some social awkwardness that will go away if/when you get to know her a little more. To be honest, going based on what you share, I think my advice to YOU in this specific situation would be to just give her at least one more chance. I say that because it sounds like you are not necessarily decided that her disinterest/awkwardness was intentional. If you were 100% feeling like she just obviously had no interest in anything you had to say, then I'd tell you what is the point of continuing to pursue her? However, you do seem to have some doubt.

So, the best way to find out if your suspicions seem to be true, or if maybe she is worth dating after all, is to try for a second date. If the second date is more of the same, that may be enough of a hint that maybe it isn't worth your time. On the other hand, maybe she will warm up a little more and not be quite as uncomfortable around you.

Also, as far as her lack of physical contact, I wouldn't necessarily worry too much about that this early either. Some people are not as quick to that. She may be shy or may have even had bad experience in the past with guys and be less open to allowing physical contact until she trusts somebody a little more. That's another thing I'd consider a concern if it never seems to change, but not think too much about on a first date.

All that said, it is also important you not waste too much time on her. If you go on a second date and nothing seems to improve, that may be enough of a sign to just cut your losses and stop dating her. Or, maybe the second date goes a little better so you decide to continue.... but then the more and more you date you still feel like she just moves too slow for you. Either way, you are not wrong to decide she's not for you if that is the case. You shouldn't force her out of what makes her comfortable, so if her pace just seems to be too slow for you, you are not wrong to just move on.

Good luck to you.

[daveyboy]

That makes sense. She told me that she used to struggle with confidence. She's not a loner though, because she has a lot of friends. To me, she appears to be a very sweet girl. I dated narcissist girls before. She's definitely not like that. Judging from her lifestyle, I suspect that she never had a bf. I think it's hard for her to believe that a guy is interested in her romantically. I will definitely have another date to see if she loosens up. Maybe she needs a lot more time to get comfortable.