I really can't understand the importance of romance

[Conor891]

I just don't understand. I'm talking about romantic love. Its described constantly in songs, famous literature, art, and movies and is portrayed as complex, beautiful, important, and one of the best things a person can experience.

But no one can seem to describe what it is accurately. Sometimes people use terms like "A spark" or something metaphorically.

The thing that confuses me is when you compare romance to friendship. From what I've seen what people want from a friend is a favorable personality. What people want from a partner is a favorable personality and physical attraction.

Of course Disney movies and fairy tales will go into detail about the complexity of physical beauty, but really what it is is an uncontrollable characteristic given at birth that makes someone sexually attracted to someone. Most people don't want to date ugly people. Of course if they are slightly ugly they may pass. A downright hideous person probably stands no chance no matter what their personality is like. A good friend would never care about what someone was born looking like, or their race, or where they were born if they are a nice person. These are all things that are out of their control that has nothing to do with who they are. But not wanting a relationship with someone because of the way they were born is pretty much the norm, so it seems much less sincere and important to me. I'm talking about the characteristics of someone that are completely out of control. I can understand not liking someone who is sloppy or unhygienic, that also ties into personality.

In real life I take good care of myself and I'm clean and hygienic. I feel like I have many good friends, and I got prom king in high school so people must think I'm a nice person. I made friends with everyone in my grade and I will go up to anyone and talk with them so I meet with new people everyday. Yet I've also have had people and even friends tell me I'm ugly. Sometimes girls who I just want to be friends with have been reluctant to talk to me because they think I'm trying to ask them out or something. The reason I'm not very attractive is because I've had radiation treatment on my facial area at the age of four due to cancer. My cheekbones and upper jaw are very underdeveloped and all my upper teeth have fallen out except for two molars on each side.

I guess people will say I'm bitter because "I can't get a girlfriend" or I cant "get laid". Truthfully I don't want part of any of it. I'm just bitter that people berate and criticize me for not wanting and not being able to experience something that seems to me to be a much less sincere form of friendship.

I guess I'm just looking for someone to explain if there's any significant difference between romance and friendship besides sexual attraction, why romance is considered so beautiful and important, and if its even worth it to someone who is downright unattractive.

I may be a-romantic or something. I just give myself headaches trying to understand it.

Also, I'm sorry if this looks like I'm trying to berate or offend someone. This is not the case at all. Basically I'm looking to see if someone can change how I view romance, and in order to do that I just wanted to say how I view it in the most honest way possible. I guess it looks like I am berating it because I just don't view it very positively. But I'm fully open to the fact that I am probably wrong and I'm looking for someone to correct me.

[Kates David]

I would n`t quite describe conventional romantic love as a form of friendship, but rather, a form of love. It tends to being the very closest place to hate. This is out of its highly emotional state, and with it the imperative of a thriving ego. By every rational measure, apart of course to its propensity for child birth, it`s an inferior love (friendship) form to that love which is genuinely unconditional friendship, where emotion is contained. Physical attraction might well be a requisite for both natures of love, by individual. I should imagine at least nineteen out of every twenty relationships eventually fail, and that the vast majority of the rest are far less than perfect. Those that argue for romantic love have likely never experienced a more advanced love form. It replaces our numbers, but on all other levels has a statistically disastrous track record, often ending in clinical depression, or even suicide. Whom is to say that one should not procreate under those circumstances of controlled emotion, I would quite surely.. Romantic love tends to be blinded as to the actual nature of its love. Genuine love is infinitely more important than a need for having sex.

[red romeo]

ro·mance
rōˈmans,ˈrōˌmans/
noun
noun: romance

1.
a feeling of excitement and mystery associated with love.
"in search of romance"
love, especially when sentimental or idealized.
"he asked her for a date and romance blossomed"
synonyms: love, passion, ardor, adoration, devotion; More
affection, fondness, attachment
"their romance blossomed"
an exciting, enjoyable love affair, especially one that is not serious or long-lasting.
plural noun: romances
"a summer romance"
synonyms: love affair, relationship, liaison, courtship, attachment; More
flirtation, dalliance
"he's had many romances"
a book or movie dealing with love in a sentimental or idealized way.
"light historical romances"
synonyms: love story, novel; More
romantic fiction;
informaltearjerker, bodice-ripper
"an author of historical romances"
a genre of fiction dealing with love in an idealized way.
"wartime passion from the master of romance"
2.
a quality or feeling of mystery, excitement, and remoteness from everyday life.
"the beauty and romance of the night"
synonyms: mystery, glamour, excitement, exoticism, mystique; More
appeal, allure, charm
"the romance of the Far East"
wild exaggeration; picturesque falsehood.
"she slammed the claims as “pure romance, complete fiction.”"
a work of fiction dealing with events remote from real life.
3.
a medieval tale dealing with a hero of chivalry, of the kind common in the Romance languages.
"the Arthurian romances"
the literary genre of romance.
4.
Music
a short informal piece.

[Kates David]

"their romance blossomed"
an exciting, enjoyable love affair, especially one that is not serious or long-lasting.

I would not question most of the above, but this sentiment stands out as something which I most definitely would do. They are more often short lived, no problem there, but "not serious"? It can only be described as not serious should there be a want of emotion/affection, so if you are using somebody. Under such circumstances as these I`d struggle to consider the relationship as being even in the least little bit romantic. Psychopathic love should never be described as romantic love.
Love which is never more than subservient to ego.
Love with the requisite of self love.
Love which is more concerned for the moment than it is for the truth.
Emotional love.
Love which is in want of the capacity for self analysis.
Love which can no more hope to counsel than to self analyse.
Love which only has a finite life.

All the above sentiments are 100% novel, other than replicated by total chance. I`m into philosophical process. The list of course if far longer.

[TheEvilJester]

First off, I am so sorry to hear about what happened to you at such a young age. However, I am very happy to hear you were able to persevere and survive it. It even sounds like you have a great personality and outlook on life even despite all you went through. Now, onto your question...

The thing is, love is one of those things you just can't really explain. It's too complex an emotion/idea to just be boiled down into simple words. It CAN be the greatest thing you will ever experience, or it can be the most horrible.

That said.... there's absolutely nothing wrong with it if you honestly just have no interest in it. In fact, I envy the ever-living Hell out of you for that. I was damned with a desire to find somebody, a feeling deep in me that makes me feel like I was meant to find somebody with whom to share my love..... yet a hopeless lack of any ability to find that special someone or the knowledge of how even to start. A cruel combination, indeed. I cannot even imagine what I would not give to turn that part of me off for good and sincerely not care whether or not I found love.

.....And yet, I honestly share your perplexed feelings on why in the Heck the way you want to live your life bothers others so much. People have this bizarre need to believe that everybody has to be the same, cookie cutter person they are with the same hopes and desires in life. God forbid, you fall out of that and they think there is something wrong with you. So, you tell them you don't really care about love and they practically have an aneurysm thinking you are wrong. Honestly, how the Hell does it effect their life? What the Hell do they care? I say, if you are not interested in love then good for you. Live your own life and do what makes you happy.

So, honestly, why really care if anybody can explain it to you? If you aren't really interested, no amount of explanation will (or should) make you change your mind. Who knows? Maybe one day you will meet somebody who WILL make you feel differently. Or maybe not, and maybe you will continue living your life being perfectly happy not understanding this. All the best to you either way.

[melancholia]

Romance/being romantic is entirely subjective. I don't consider myself to be the "romantic type" either, but I do not disregard the idea of romance altogether. I don't think anyone will be able to change your mind about romance, however, what someone else might find "romantic", may not be romantic to you at all, and vice versa.

For example: some women (and men) love to be surprised with flowers, or a love poem/letter written by their lover; or taken out for a fancy dinner/evening out with their SO. They consider that to be romantic because, to them, their partner is going to some lengths to create a nice feeling of love and appreciation for their partner and his/her wants/needs. A different couple may consider it to be romantic to stay home and cook a nice meal together, and/or watch a movie together. Quality time spent together is what some people may find more romantic than "typical" romantic gestures, whereas other people love it when they are surprised with a thoughtful gift, or loving comment. Again, I will reiterate that my point is that romance, and what it means to be romantic, is widely varied between individuals. For me, personally, I find it romantic when I discover things I have in common with my partner, or when he holds my hand under the table if we're out with friends, or driving somewhere...

Romance can be different for everybody, but because of media such as movies/music/poetry/novels/etc. there has become a sort of "standardized" form of romance, because it's easy to identify. It may not mean the same for everyone though, and clearly the types of romance you see in music/movies don't speak to you the same way they do for others. That's OK. There's nothing wrong with that at all.

If you're curious, you should take a free online quiz to find out what your love language is. Everyone has a love language (and generally, they have a combination of all five of the love languages). What a love language means, is that, depending on the results of your quiz, when your SO displays the behaviors that speak to your "love language", it endears you to them. It doesn't mean any particular language, or combination of the five, is romantic, but it may help you discover more about yourself and what speaks to you when you are dating or in love with someone. I, myself, am not particularly emotional or "romantic" per se, but when I am with someone who speaks my love language, it makes me feel happier, more secure, and validated in the relationship based on the fact that they display behaviors that I find endearing and lovable.

[Conor891]

Thanks everyone. I guess what got me pretty confused about the whole thing was how everyone else has told me romance was something I needed.

I guess I feel like friendship fills all the social interaction I would ever need, and I just couldn't understand why people act like I should be in a relationship when I'm happy with the way things are.

I got to start focusing on what I think makes me happy and less on what other people think a person should need to be happy.

[Kates David]

You are in the same boat as me. I`m a sixty year old male, but I`m totally incapable of finding even a tiny percentage of females over the age of around twenty five even remotely attractive. - We`d have to sleep in separate beds!! I do n`t find the vast majority of the younger ones attractive either. I`m very superficial, I require somebody to be physically attractive before I can feel physically attracted towards them. Physical attraction is only highly superficial, and certainly not the ideal material to be used as a love component. Love which is truly genuine/unconditional is not normally to be associated with romantic/sexual love, for the more emotional we feel the more vulnerable/ego dependent we tend to be. I`ve known no exceptions.

[TheEvilJester]

Thanks everyone. I guess what got me pretty confused about the whole thing was how everyone else has told me romance was something I needed.

I guess I feel like friendship fills all the social interaction I would ever need, and I just couldn't understand why people act like I should be in a relationship when I'm happy with the way things are.

I got to start focusing on what I think makes me happy and less on what other people think a person should need to be happy.

And everything you say here is exactly illustrating my point why sometimes people need to learn to just mind their own damn business. Granted, I am sure MOST of the people who try to convince you that you need to find love truly mean well. I am sure most of them truthfully think they are helping you. The thing is, if you are honestly happy the way you are.... and it is in a way that does not hurt anybody... why should it matter to them?

There are exceptions, but most people do feel even at least slightly unfulfilled in life without love. By that I don't mean love of family and friends, but a significant other. Sure, some people aren't AS bothered as others, but even those who can live without it usually still at least feel like it is something they want and are somewhat missing out if they don't have it. There are people like you, though, who just couldn't care less. And you know what? There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Like I said, I'd kill to have that freedom. It's my fate to live my life alone and to eventually die alone anyway, I might as well be allowed to be happy with it. IF someday you decide you do want love, or you meet somebody who makes you want it when you never did before... THEN you go ahead and search it out. Otherwise, if you are just honestly 100% happy without it, then don't sweat it. Frankly, I think that is awesome that you can find happiness and not feel like this is a need in your life.

[Kates David]

Just because the love is platonic it does n`t have to follow that the love is not more fulfilling than had it of been sexual. What lets down genuine love, which is more often not sexual, is that all the expectation is put by conventional relationship love, and as unfortunate as it may be, this is what our society has successfully, to the exclusion of, programmed us for.