Rape-ish incidents in relationship

[Stud-to-the-ent]

So, first some background. I've known by bf for a few years, and we started dating ~2 years ago. After half a year together, we got drunk, had a fight, and he fingered me after I said NO. I just panicked and froze, but got really mad afterwards. He didn't understand why I was mad, and went to sleep.
After that, we had a long talk, and I felt like he understood that he violated my boundaries, and I felt reassured that it wouldn't happen again.
A while later, we were having sex, and he kept hitting my cervix even after I told him that it hurt a lot and that I didn't like it. He always wanted to put my legs up on his shoulders, even though he knew that it was both painful and uncomfortable for me. Some times I would start crying, but he wouldn't stop, he was completely caught up in his own moment.
Again, after talking about it I felt like things might get better. Didn't. After several talks and one break-up, we've had a few incident-free months.
I want to stress this - he's not a selfish guy. He always gives me all the love I can handle, and is very considerate and thoughtful. I honestly don't think he had any ill intent in either of these cases. I also feel like he doesn't understand what it's like to feel violated by someone you love and trust.
However, I'm still very much suffering. I don't have much of a sex drive, and associate vaginal sex with pain.
Today, he said something dismissive when I mentioned something in the news about a gang rape charge being dropped (but he was very upset about another piece of news about a woman suing her ex husband who got rich after their divorce), and I just lost it. I still feel like he doesn't get it, and doesn't care. I am starting to think that this relationship isn't salvageable...
Help me, what do I do?

[melancholia]

First of all, I am so very sorry to hear this happened to you. What happened to you is a violation of your basic human rights, as well as a violation of your body. Your feelings of anger, confusion, and frustration are all normal, and justified. People who have been sexually assaulted often have difficulty processing the emotions that come with it. You are not alone.

Second of all, there is no such thing as "rape-ish" incidents. There's rape and consensual sex. There's no "grey area" when it comes to rape. If you do not consent to sex, and someone touches your body in a sexual manner, that is rape. It happens to 1 out of 3 women, it is a shockingly common experience for many people, and it also happens to men; but just because it is common, it doesn't mean it's OK. Something that needs to be addressed here is that not enough people understand what consent really means, and almost nobody ever asks for consent before going ahead with sex. That, coupled with the sense of entitlement to sex with someone they are in a relationship, means a lot of people get raped by people they are in a relationship with. I think that it is almost more damaging to be raped by someone you trust and love, than to be raped by a stranger, only because you expect the person you love to fully respect you, especially when you tell them "NO". No means no!

Have you sought out any form of counseling after this happened to you? Why did you get back together with this guy? Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean he actually respects you. And clearly he doesn't respect your words or wishes if he continued to touch you sexually after you said no. Not only that, but it's happened more than once. That says to me that he doesn't respect what you say, he doesn't listen to you, and he isn't considerate or thoughtful at all. It doesn't necessarily make him a bad person, but what he did to you is awful, and you are letting him get away with it by sticking with him.

I would suggest you seek some type of counseling so you can process what happened to you through the guidance of a professional. None of us in this forum are equipped or experienced enough to give you any sound advice, other than to reach out to a professional for help. Understanding what happened to you is not going to be easy, but it starts with seeking help for yourself so you can move forward and move on from this awful experience.

Again, I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. I wish you the best of luck.