My new boyfriend talks with a girl he dated quite a lot? Am I being crazy?

[ebonytod]

I have been dating him for around 8 weeks now. When we met he was seeing another girl. He chose me over her. He said his heart chose me & we were more compatible. He's 24, me 23 & the girl 19. I've become friends with her in a way, we chat online,but not met her. She knew him before me so I respect their friendship & that they stay in contact. He said he cares for her as a friend and they are in the same friend group. They see each other at times when their friend group watches movies and do yoga and things like that (they are a very health conscious group of people). The two of them went on dates and "did everything but sex" were his exact words. The other week the girl told me she felt like my guy never cared about her as he chose me. She said her feelings are not there for him anymore but she felt the entire time he never cared for her. I told my guy this and he spoke to her about it and said she was making me feel weird. She apologised to me about it and that was that. Anyway she said she asked him for a massage the other night but he did it for 10 seconds then felt uncomfortable. My guy never told me about this so if she had not told me I would never have known. He told me she wanted a massage but he walked away because it felt weird. He kept saying they are purely friends. He also said once not long ago how she is a virgin and he really wants her to find a guy who will treat her right and not use her because she is "precious." Kind of weird. I did not want to hear how precious he thinks she is. He once again said he just does not want to see his friend get hurt. I have been accepting of all of this but deep down it hurts a little. Today the girl told me my boyfriend is writing her a plan to help her acne (he studies nutrition/naturopathy) & is going to advise what products to use. She also said he called her the other day about some diet. I think it is nice he wants to help her, but it makes me feel uncomfortable because of their past. Taking the time to make phone calls to a girl he supposedly no longer has feelings for. He also never told me he called her and never told me he wants to help write a plan up. He knows I feel weird about him and her being friends so maybe that's why he keeps it from me? I have told him time and time again how I dislike how close they are and he insists there is nothing there, they are friends. I try to believe him. This girl also insists nothing is going on either and that she has been talking to a guy on Tinder. I do believe he would not cheat, and that they are friends, but I feel maybe he has residual feelings for her because their relationship ended so quickly because of me. I did not force him to choose me though, that was his choice. I kind of feel maybe he thinks "what if?" He likes every Instagram photo she posts but he says it is because he cares about her as a friend and he likes all his friends Instagram photos. I am sick of bringing things up about her to him. It makes me appear jealous and crazy. I do not want to push him away. It makes me feel weird how he seems to care for her so much? He told me he wants me and only me and that they are purely friends. I am mature and do not fight with him over it, but deep down it bothers me. I am just not sure why he would not be open with wanting to help her? Why not be proud to say "hey guess what I am going to be helping Isabelle, she is having some skin problems." I would be happy for him to tell me that. The fact he does not tell me these things makes me think what else he could hide from me. He wants to help her but what does he help me with? He never seems to do me any great favours. The fact he knows how weird I am about them being close and how he continues to keep in contact with her so often makes me feel quite inadequate. Am I being crazy? Sorry this is so long. I just feel insecure because he used to really like this girl. He does tell me he loves me so maybe I am being silly. Thank you.

[melancholia]

First of all, you are not crazy. The way you feel is never wrong, it's simply how you feel about it. Keep in mind that emotions are a human thing, even the negative feelings such as jealousy. What you are feeling is completely normal and valid, and you shouldn't feel bad about the way you feel. We all feel jealous sometimes; it's what we do with that emotion that matters, and how we react to it that can manifest in unhealthy ways.

So far it sounds like you are managing it well, in a mature and healthy way; but are you talking to your boyfriend about your feeling? Have you laid it out for him the same way you've laid it out here for us? You don't sound crazy, or obnoxious, or like you're overreacting, you are simply experiencing emotions brought on by a situation that is making you uncomfortable - and for valid reasons. It's normal and understandable to feel uncomfortable with your current partner being in a close relationship with someone he was romantically involved with before you. Anyone who says they are totally comfortable with that is lying or in denial.

In my experience, it's important to trust your gut instincts, and if you continue to talk yourself out of how you really feel just to keep the peace, or to stay comfortable for now, it will only exacerbate your problem in the long run. It certainly doesn't sound like your boyfriend is cheating on you, or that he intends to cheat on you, but it does sound like he's having some difficulty establishing boundaries with his friend. It also sounds like the girl is trying to reassure you that nothing is going on between them, but don't make the mistake of taking her word over his. You are in a relationship with him, and that should stay between you and him only. I think it's great that you've tried to befriend her, it makes it a lot easier to handle their friendship if you know the person he's friends with, at least that's how I see it. I suggest setting up a way to actually meet this girl in person. Set up a lunch date with the three of you, and put a face to the name. It's one thing to get to know a person online, but when you meet someone in person, it creates a new depth of understanding and bonding with them. It doesn't mean you two need to be best friends, but it may ease your discomfort if you can spend some time with her face to face.

I think it would be wise for you to have another discussion with your boyfriend about creating boundaries within his friendship with this woman. Things like, don't give each other massages, or other types of bonding activities that should be reserved for his relationship with you. These are things you have a right to talk to him about, and a right to ask from him at this point. Being able to articulate your needs and feelings in a relationship is of the utmost importance. It does sound like you've been doing that, but clearly there is still some progress that needs to be made, and the only way that can be achieved, is by revisiting the conversation. I'd recommend bringing it up at a neutral time when you're both relaxed, and use calm, non-accusatory/non-judgmental language, and use "I feel" statements. Try something along the lines of, "I understand that you are friends with [whatever her name is], but some things are making me feel uncomfortable, such as hearing you gave her a massage (or whatever other thing that happened that made you feel some type of negative emotion) and didn't tell me about it. It makes me feel sad/disappointed/uncomfortable when I hear that you've decided to create a health plan for her without telling me about it; when you keep things from me it makes me feel hurt. I would feel much better if you would communicate those things to me, because having to hear it from someone other than you makes me wonder why you kept it from me in the first place." anyway, these are only suggestions of what you might say, of course you will have to use language that feels natural to you, but make sure you use a calm tone, and tell him exactly how you feel and what you need from him. It doesn't have to turn into an argument, you aren't asking him to stop being friends with her, you are simply asking him to make you a priority, and that is what he should be doing.

After you've talked about this with him, if you two can get to a place where you have a mutual understanding and agreement of the situation, you will have to let go of some of that jealousy. All you need to do is simply decide to trust him. Trust him until he's given you a reason not to trust him, and check in with him frequently about it. Ask questions about her, like how she's doing, or how her issues with her skin are going, whatever... you care about this guy a lot, I can tell, and it's important for him to feel like he can have friends outside of your relationship, so the more you are supportive and encouraging about that, the more he will feel loved and respected by you.

Best of luck to you, dear one. I hope it all works out in your favor!

Big Love,
Melancholia

[bloodtippedrose]

If it were me and the relationship was so new, I would just end it. Quick massage, liking all her photos on instagram, going out of his way to help her? NOT telling you about their awkward interactions? Sounds like she is envious that he chose you and is trying to seduce him, and he is either in denial about liking her still or disrespecting you by keeping secrets. Either way it is a heartache disaster waiting to happen. Whats next? "It was only a drunk kiss, we're just friends", "We went to lunch together alone at a sit down restaurant, so what, its what friends do." Yeah right.

You can try what melancholia above suggests, its the rash thing to do, but if he continues to hide truths or cross set boundaries, abort mission! You do not need to waste your time being stepped on. Female friends are tricky situations but you should never need to question if you're his priority.