Hey guys this is a long story and I appreciate any help.


Beginning of the story....

When I was a kid I had a rough life growing up. Parents divorced my dad was strict and mentally abusive and my mom was living in her own world and an alcoholic. I lived with my mom during the week and summers I went to my dads. My moms house had 9 cats and they had fleas when I went to school I smelt like cat piss and smoke.

This caused me to develop an extreme case of atychiphobia which i didnt discover till I am an adult at 24 years old.Atychiphobia is an extreme fear of failure and shame. It causes people to go through anxiety and if left untreated depression. The fear of failure or shame becomes so extreme that you become a compulsive liar to avoid telling the truth in fear of shame, it makes finishing projects near impossible and anything with risk is impossible to over come. It is treatable with about 15 sessions of therapy possibly more depending on the case.

Through middle school and high school i suffered from it with tests that i knew the answers too and I started lying to my dad to avoid emotional and some times physical shame. After high school I started dating one of the hottest girls in my school and some how the atychiphobia went away I had a successful career in sales and by 22 I had a great job and a nice new sports car.

At 21 me and this girl broke up due to me and her both losing flair which made it easy and we remained friends.

Now fast forward for the first few months of being single I started bar tending to stay out of trouble I was meeting woman left and right and never had a problem. I had money a car a nice place and I am I typically treat people well and have fun. I met this girl who was a hostess at my bar who had a rough life as well and an abusive boyfriend. Eventually her and I had a spark we both left the bar to pursue our careers and we started dating I treated her like a princess. Never lied was always honest we always had fun than one day I went to my job as a recruiter to find out the company shut down due to an issue with owner ship and them being sued for killing someone while drinking intoxicated.

My source of income was gone I had a little saved up but not much due to me bailing my mom out from losing her house for so my little brothers had a place to stay me and this girl had been together for a year and moved in and my sister had surgery that I paid for. I had enough to get by till my expensive cars engine blew up and I had modified it so the warranty would not cover it.

At this point me wanting to be a provider and couldn't killed my ego entirely. I wanted to help my now ex go to school and I couldn't she was driving me around bills were still paid but we were spread out pretty lightly. She is a great girl and would have kept doing it. My atychiphobia had kicked in at this point except worse than ever I stopped eating I stopped being me I went from being optimistic to being doom and gloom. Eventually it got to the point where I started compulsively lying again but to the person I cared most about. Than if it couldn't get any worse a girl I had a fling with before the girl I was dating decided to randomly send nudes when the girl I was dating was looking up directions on my phone because hers died. at this point we broke up and a messy one at that. I was a total mess I felt like i lost everything and three weeks later I fixed my car due to my new job that didnt pay as well and saving up money. I then found out my ex was 6 weeks pregnant and we just found out that day. For months I begged like an idiot and she told me my problem was that I was a liar which I was and when I told the truth about the pics she didn't believe me.


Now the baby is due in september and we talk here and there she unblocked me from everything and I decided I needed to change my anxiety and depression effected my performance so bad that I lost that job and I just found one and lucked out on it which pays me more than ever. I started seeing a therapist because I felt like there was something wrong with me and thats where I was diagnosed with my condition. Now this condition for very worst case scenario is treated with meds which mine is no where near that severe especially since I know there is a problem now and I am working with my therapist to fix it.

She asked to meet up and I explained to her my situation and she wants to talk about it with her sister present which is incredibly hard. I don't think I will ever get her back and at this point as much as I love her I am getting help so when my daughter is born I can be the best dad I can be.

Is there anything I can do to gain the trust of my ex back I know it will take a long time.