Please help - I need advice.

[OnceUponALove]

Hello forum,

I am here seeking advice. The story is long but I would deeply appreciate any advice you would have on the topic.

It all started back in 2012. I met this incredible guy and almost instantly we fell inlove. It was not my first love, but to this day, still the strongest one. I was at the age of 18 when I met him (but I was always a little ahead in the head, so I was fully capable of understanding how I felt). We were together for nearly 2 years and it was, honestly, I can say a fairytale-like love. We almost never fought or had arguments. He treated me like a princess. I was deeply in love with him and for the time we were together felt as if I was flying all the time (I am not exaggerating...). I'm usually a jelaous type of person but with him I never was - he never gave me any reason to doubt him even for a second. To me he could do no wrong... and he never did.

If you need any more details on the relationship I would gladly tell the whole story, but this, for now, paints a good enough picture.

Towards the end of 2013 I broke up with him. He was heartbroken. To be honest, my reasons at the time were unclear to me - I thought I didn't love him anymore. Now, from the perspective of time I see that the reason was most likely the following:
He had his life planned out and it was all there - in our country. It was all planned and with no way of escaping that or having ANY other possibility of being anywhere else or doing anything else. Let's leave it at that - he had made a decision that was final before he even met me and there was NO way out.
I was young. I was 19 at the time. Just finished school with my whole life and the whole world in front of me. I had dreams and hopes that lead me in many places that, pretty much, he couldn't have gone. I wanted to explore, and see, and know, and grow up. I knew I had found a gem, but I wasn't ready for it. I knew this could have been The One and The Love Story. And I would have been happy with that, but I wanted ... more. I was afraid that I would regret not living My dreams. Although he was one of them.
I began a relationship with someone else (January 2014). I wasn't planning on it and I didn't really believe in it all so much, but it happened.
We kept in touch and went out many times after we broke up and to a point in time he was determined to get me back (about May 2014). He started dating a girl. I think he didn't really believe in that eighter, but it happened. We still kept in touch and went out every once in a while and I could see that we were more thinking of each other than our other relationships. In the meantime (April 2014) I had moved in with my boyfriend at the time, although I felt it wasn't right. I told the guy (lets refference him as A) about it and I could see he was hurt from that. So there we were, I - living with a boyfriend, him - together with another girl.
In the summer of 2014 (about July-August) me and my boyfriend at the time decided we want to move to another country to work (which was part of the growing up and going places and etc from the above mentioned). Across the ocean. I told A about it and ... he was hurt. For the rest of our outing he was silent and moody. But he didn't say anything about it. He wasn't happy but he supported me... Even then. The decision was made and the new country was expecting us at the end of October.
I remember the last time we met. I remember what we did and where we went. I remember everything.

In my last week in my country I texted A that I would like to meet him one last time before I go, so I could say my goodbye, just in case our paths never cross again. He didn't reply. I wrote him again just before I left telling him how I felt about that and that I really would've loved to see him. No reply. I noticed he had removed me from all social media and that hurt me. A lot. (I would refference this moment later on and my realisation as to why that was)

I moved. New country, new life. The life with the boyfriend tho didn't last much longer and about 3 months later we would break up (January 2015). I was caught up in a new (and hard) beggining that I... I did live my life but A always crossed my mind. Almost everyday (to not say everyday) A popped up in my head and I felt sad about it all.
I began a new relationship in February 2015. We would be together for about 10 months. Throughout the relationship A was still on my mind daily. I dreamt about him often and would wake up feeling horrible. This went on for another 7 months of my relationship.

September 2015.
I was still checking A's online profiles in a dire need to just know how he is and if he's doing well. Just a tiny glimpse into his life. I would suck up every bit of information I could about him through friends and in any other possible way.
A had a birthday coming up.
I decided to go onto A's profile after a little while longer that I had prohibited myself from doing so. And then... I saw a picture of him holding a child. My first thought was that some friend or a family member of his had a baby. I couldn't help but dig deeper. It was HIS CHILD. He and the girl he had started dating after me had a child together. They weren't married (and still aren't) but they had a child together. I was crushed. I litterally broke down and couldn't stop crying all day. I seeked help from friends and even my boyfriend at the time who was puzzeled as to why this affected me so much. Throughout the next week (at least) you couldn't get a smile out of me. It pains me even now when I think of that moment. I was... broken to a point I had never been in my entire life. This child, in a way, meant that whatever I was thinking was a no no. The depths of the feelings back then can't even begin to be covered, but I hope you get the picture (tell me if you don't - I will fill in any gaps).
*Refferencing A cutting me out of his life* I now realise that THAT should be about the time that he found out his girlfriend was pregnant.

In the months to come the pain would subside from the surface but would be bubbling inside. I broke up with my boyfriend in December 2015. Since then, to this point, I am single.

Don't get me wrong, I am going about my daily life without anyone noticing anything wrong with me. I am enjoying my life as much as I can.
Since A cut me out of his life I have spoken to many people about it and tried and tried resolving my issues but it wouldn't help. A is still a pain deep whithin me and I cannot forget him or get over him.
Last night I dreamt about him again. I dreamt I came back to my country to seek him out (as I recently actually got advice to do so and resolve my issue with him) and found him in his home with his girlfriend and daughter. He loved his child but he had problems with his girlfriend. We took off to go somewhere where we can talk, and, I don't remember much, but he wanted to get back together with me and I think I was up for that, but needed to sort out a lot of stuff around us.


Guys, I'm in pain. I need help. It has been almost 3 years since we broke up and I want to cry everytime I think about him. I don't know if I want to be with him or anything, I just feel endless pain and need help. PLEASE, give me any advice as to what I could possibly do to overcome this, because I am dying here... It's becoming unbearable and I can't cope with this.

I would appreciate ANY advice you have on the topic and would be gratefull to anybody who took time to read this all.

Thank you, OnceUponALove.

[bloodtippedrose]

What exactly did you think would happen? That you could keep him on "hold" while you date other people? He moved on and you need to as well. There is no good that can become of you pursuing him. Stop internet stalking him and join a testosterone-abundant club to help you meet someone new. If he was truly the right person, there would have been no breakup in the first place, only compromise. You are hurt not because you are in love with him, but because he moved on before you, and you feel like you missed out on a chance at stability that someone else now has. Yeah it sucks right now, but we all make our own choices and after the pain subsides they end up working out for the best.

[OnceUponALove]

Honey, look, I don't think I explained it all that well.
I didn't think in any possible way that I could keep him. I knew back then and there that my decision was permanent. Our outings weren't in any way with the mean of keeping him hooked or anything like that. In fact I thought I moved on (as I said, I started dating shortly after the break up and have dated other people since then) and I was GLAD that he was moving on. The child thing hit me, I don't even know why. And even if there might have been the slightest idea in my subconciosness that I could possibly be with him again (which I have not realised being true...) that was gone. There was now a child in the world with his name on it. I would never do that to a child.
See, I never planned on ANY of this happening. I thought I was moving on and for a long time I lied to myself even that I was okay, that everything was going perfectly. I can't lie anymore, and I can't hide my own feelings from myself.
The problem is that it has been THREE years. I don't know how or what is keeping me from actually moving on. All I want is the pain to stop, whatever it takes.
Recently, a friend of mine gave me the advice that I should meet him one more time and get a closure. According to him, that was something that is missing from the equasion. I actually told my friend that I'm not sure of that, although it seems like an easy way out (if I could even get A to see me)... it does seem like it would be relieving just seeing him and talking to him one last time. I'm not sure of it because I'm afraid it may trigger something within me or him and that poor child might end up in a broken family. I know me. I'm not good with my willpower and I wouldn't be able to resist giving in to the relief of the feeling that has been killing me for three years. But I know me. I wouldn't like myself all that much if I break up a family. Then again, what if it is already broken? Then again, what if not? What could a conversation with him lead to? And what would I say?

Bloodtippedrose, more than anything else I am confused. I need advice not how to get him back but just how to make the pain stop. Whatever it takes.

[bloodtippedrose]

Well you tried texting him before you left and by then he had already decided to purge you from his life. If you already know you have crappy willpower then meeting up with him in person is off the table. You can attempt one final reach out in email or message form but understand you may have been blocked or he won't respond. There is something bugging you that has been bugging you for 3 years and if you cannot identify exactly what that is, and if he doesn't want to speak to you at all, then you need to talk to a therapist so they can help you identify what it is you need to move past. You don't need him to move past your own mental block. You cannot live a happy life full of what-ifs and constant regret.

You need to analyze why seeing the kid hit you so harshly. Because you always thought you'd get back together? Because hes now in a different stage of life? Because you're lonely? By saying "whatever I was thinking was a no no" and "I wouldn't be able to resist giving in to the relief of the feeling that has been killing me for three years" I can only assume you want to get back together with him but why? You haven't talked in years. You cannot fix the pain unless you know exactly what is causing it.

[OnceUponALove]

So you think I should try one last time to talk to him with a message? I'm worried that if I do that or try to sort of remind him of my existance I might put a doubt in his head, if you know what I mean. If he still has even the slightest thought of me in his head that might mess him up and eventually do what I don't want to do - break up his family. Problem is I don't know what I want from him or that he even has to be involved in my ''recovery'' but I just want to stop those thoughts in MY head and get rid of all those bad feelings I have in me.
I am considering you therapy idea...