Feelings for someone with a boyfriend.

[melancholia]

She won't stop seeing him, she made that perfectly clear and she has every right not to want a boyfriend who tries to control whom she spends her time with. I understand your reservations and I would feel the same way, but you can't expect things to go smoothly in a relationship that starts out the way yours did.

It's good you were able to be as honest as you were with her. That must have been difficult for you, but it was the right thing to do. I still don't think she has enough respect for you, or capacity to consider your feelings. I reiterate the same advice I've given you each time, which is to take a step back and stop seeing and talking to her for a while. You need to gain some perspective here and you also need to stop making yourself so available to her. Every time she calls you, you're there. You need to focus on your own life and other things besides just her and what she is doing. If you give yourself some time to clear your head, everything will start to make more sense.

It might be hard, but you may just have to bite the bullet and do it. What you are currently doing isn't working, you it might be time to try something else and see what happens. She is not the be all, end all to your happiness. If it works out, great; but if it doesn't, then there's not a whole lot you can do about it. You have to pick yourself up and move forward.

[TheEvilJester]

We've said the same thing over and over again, and you yourself even realize that what we've been advising is probably best. The thing is, you've lacked either the desire, the ability, or perhaps even both, to do it. Listen, I honestly understand how you feel. I sure as heck don't take it personally if you don't take our advice. It's just, I've been there myself. I mean, not exactly this situation, really. Not really even a similar situation, but I understand the feeling and the desperation of wanting something to work out even when the entire universe seems to be screaming at you that it will not. I understand liking somebody so much that you are desperate to somehow, by any means possible, get it to work.

The thing is, there are just SO many reason why this situation is not good for you. Sure, it is entirely possible that she IS the right woman for you..... but it's just the wrong time right now. But, honestly, it is just as possible that she was never the right woman for you in the first place. And, as melancholia pointed out, I do like to give people the benefit of the doubt. So, I won't say it is DEFINITE that this gal of yours is using this situation, using both you AND her ex and enjoying the attention, having no intention of ending all this drama any time soon because she enjoys it too much.....

But I have to admit that the more and more you share, the more and more that is exactly the impression I get. I get the impression that she is one of those people who PRETENDS to hate all of this drama, pretends to so desperately want it all to just end so she can live happily ever after..... but secretly LOVES the attention. Secretly LOVES living out their own real life soap opera and has NO intention of allowing it to end so long as they can keep it going.

Honestly, I sincerely hope I am wrong. As it relates to your story, nothing would make me happier than to hear a happy ending. Nothing would make me happier than to be forced to say "I was wrong." The thing is, I have seen absolutely nothing to make me believe I will turn out to be wrong. If she were any kind of decent person she wouldn't be putting you both through this, not to mention herself. She acts like she is done with her ex..... but two seconds later she refuses to give him up as a friend. One second, he'll be abusive and even sounding borderline dangerous..... and the next second she'll be committing to hanging out with him twice a week. ....Because that's normal to hang out with your ex twice a week.

This woman is a mess. There is part of me who wants to believe that she's just stuck in a rut just like what happens to all of us now and then. However, nothing you've shared with us makes me believe she's just a good person stuck in a rut. She comes across to me like an overgrown child who can't handle anything in life. Even if all of this drama ends, it would NOT surprise me in the slightest if her life is basically constant drama. One bad soap opera story line after another. Believe me, I lived that with an ex once and it took me WAY too long to realize that she wasn't a good person constantly having bad things happening to her.... she was just a bad person who was good at fooling people (even me) into thinking she was a good person.

I hope I'm wrong that our two situations are alike in that way.... but all of this just rings too many similar bells for me to think your gal isn't just another magnet for drama like my ex. Again, I COULD be wrong, so for your sake I really hope this does have a happy ending. If not, though, I at least hope you are able to take this all as a lesson and only grow and improve from it in future relationships.

[RagnaRocke]

This whole thing is starting to become a vicious cycle that shows no sign of ending :/

So, she went to her ex's flat to do the cleaning thing and it did not go well. When she arrived, he was topless and offered to make her lunch before she started. She had just come from work and explained that she had brought her own lunch. She also explained that she didn't feel like being social with him and she had made it clear from the start that this was a business arrangement. She asked him not to talk to her while she was cleaning, but he said that would be weird. She asked him to put a shirt on and he said he couldn't because he didn't have any clean clothes - and kind of blamed her for it. She said he would have to stay in another room if he didn't have a shirt because it was weird and he suddenly found one.

She started eating her lunch and her ex kept bringing up their relationship, which she said she didn't want to talk about. He got verbally aggressive again, saying all of their mutual friends had taken his side, and she decided to leave. He chased her down the street crying and apologising, but eventually left her alone when she threatened to call the police. He proceeded to send her several very rude texts, attacking herself and her family. He said she was as crazy as her Mother and her little sister would grow up to be a hore just like her.

So she told me over text that she was finished with him. That this was his last chance to be friends and he had blown it and she didn't want to see him anymore. So, on this note - I took her on the date I planned. As we drove to the location, her ex constantly texted her but she ignored him and left her phone in the car when we arrived. The date went really well, we had an amazing time and we both felt very close to each other emotionally.

It gets complicated because she does a couple of hobbies that she doesn't want to give up, but her ex does them too. They have participated in these hobbies together since before they had a relationship. I offered to pick her up after one time and she asked me to park out of the way so that her ex didn't know I was there. I found this strange, but she explained that it might cause a repeat of before and didn't want the embarassment in front of her friends. He was ultimately civil to her at this event from what I'm told, but I was upset that she hugged him at the end as they parted. She said he had demanded it and she made it clear it didn't mean anything but I don't think it matters what she tells him, I think he will see this as a sign of hope for them. I told her it was unfair to lead him on if she doesn't want to see him anymore and she said she didn't think she was.

He left her alone for a couple of days after this and she seemed relieved. We hung out a few times and without his interferrence it was really good.

But the cycle has begun again and I'm worried. She has a hobby that she does, which I don't want to stop her doing, but she had told me she wasn't really interested in going at the moment because she knew her ex would be there and we made plans. She then got a text from her ex last night - a heartfelt apology for everything that had happened and everything he had done and he finished it by saying he was still in Love with her and that was never going to change. So last night, I asked what the plan was and she told me she was going to her hobby and we cancelled our plans with maybe the chance of doing something after.

I find it very suspicious how she told me she wasn't interested in going because she didn't want to see her ex, then she gets this text saying he's still in Love with her and then she suddenly cancels our plans to go do her hobby - where he will be present. Especially after she said she doesn't want to be friends with him.

It seems the guy just can't put a foot wrong. Or at least, she gets angry for a while and then he apologises and everything goes back to normal like he's never done anything wrong. I'm going to talk to her about it if I see her - but she says she is getting increasingly annoyed with my constant paranoia about her ex and that I should trust her.

I know I'm over analyzing things - but I'd like another perspective again. I know that you guys will tell me to walk away again - but I'm not ready to do that just yet.

[RagnaRocke]

So she rang me after she had finished her hobby, but I was with my friends and told her I might not be able to see her today. She was very upset at this news, saying it was unfair to make plans and then cancel them without even giving her notice. I replied that I didn't think anything was set in stone and other plans with my friends had come up. I asked if she was free a couple of days later and she said she had plans. So, I said I'd see her another time and to let me know when she was free. She said,
"Don't hold your breath." And hung up on me.

A couple of hours later I called her but she didn't respond. About an hour after this though, she sent me a text asking why I called her. I gave her a phone call and asked what she was up to. I asked if I could see her tonight and she said no, that she was busy.

I said I felt really hurt that she could basically just end the relationship on a whim like that. I said I thought she liked me, but I just felt like a piece of trash she could throw away at any moment. She said that was exactly how I had made her feel when I told her I wasn't free. I had asked her to text me after she finished her hobby and we could make a plan and she must have thought we were actually making plans. She refused to see me, saying she wasn't interested. I asked if she would be free in a couple of days and she said she didn't know, 'nothing was set in stone' and I said I'd text her in a couple of days.

But right now I feel like garbage. I had something really good and I've messed it up. I can't stop myself thinking she has gone to see her ex, I'm in a really bad place - guess, after everything, I kinda deserve to feel like this though

[melancholia]

*all the eye rolling emojis* When are you going to take the hint that she doesn't give a sh.it about you? She is playing both you and her ex and you both roll over and let her do it. She wants you when it's convenient for her and if she doesn't want to deal with you, she drops you. You aren't even in an exclusive relationship with her and you are putting up with her sh.itty behavior. It's never going to change. She's not going to stop seeing her ex, and it's incredibly unlikely she will ever commit to you, because you continue to reinforce her negative behavior by letting her get away with it every single time. It's pathetic at this point. You feel like garbage because to her, you are. She is throwing you around without a second of a thought about how you feel. What person agrees to clean their psychotic ex boyfriend's apartment and then stay there after he (allegedly) crosses her imaginary boundaries? She should have just left his apartment, or better yet - she shouldn't have gone there in the first place. You've repeatedly told her how uncomfortable you are with her friendship with her ex, and yet she doesn't do a damn thing about it. Then she has the audacity to tell you that it's unfair for you to make other plans after she's played you like a fool this whole time? Are you joking?

Part of me thinks you may be a troll and making this up because it's so unbelievable to me that you would STILL allow yourself to be involved in this mess after all of this. She is a drama and attention wh.ore. Nothing has improved at all with this girl, in fact, it's actually digressed into a bigger mess than when she was still dating her ex. You need to take a step back and refocus your energy onto something else. Seriously. If you don't do that at this point, then we can't give you any advice about this because you refuse to take it. I come on these boards to help people. No, you don't have to take people's advice just because they give it to you and you've asked for it. But when you return to these boards over and over again, with the same exact story, and the same exact questions of what to do, people get annoyed. You know exactly what you need to do, you just don't want to do it. There's a difference between not being able to do something and simply refusing to do it; and you, my friend, are simply refusing to make any moves toward improving your situation. You know this relationship isn't going to work out. She is not going to miraculously wake up one day and say, "Oh I finally want to be with RagnaRocke. I love him and he is fantastic and I'm going to tell my ex to f-uck off now so we can be happy together." That's what you hope will happen, but if it were going to happen, it would have already. She won't end this because she needs the attention from both of you, and she feeds on the drama she's swirled up in. That means you're going to have to bite the bullet and end this thing. Unless you decide to be perfectly happy with the way things are, right now, because nothing is going to change and you know it. It's blowing up right in front of your face and it will take you down.

The only thing you are wrong about here is that you say you deserve this. That's your biggest problem right there. You think you deserve this misery for some reason, so you keep yourself trapped in this mess. But you don't. Nobody deserves this kind of heartache. Even though I think you are being silly and completely ridiculous, I still don't think you deserve this. I think you deserve so much better and I've said that from the beginning. You need to start believing that you deserve better, because once you do, you will break this cycle and you will open yourself up to the possibility of meeting someone better. This woman is a disaster. She doesn't have your best interests at heart, she doesn't care about you at all, even if you think she does and even if she says it. Her actions prove that she doesn't care, and she doesn't care about her ex either. She had an actual relationship with him and she still treats him like dogsh.it, what makes you think she would treat you any differently? She is a spoiled brat who believes she is entitled to attention and good treatment from men, without having to reciprocate. That is an unhealthy mentality to have and it's not fair to you at all. Why you think you deserve to be treated so poorly, I don't know; but you need to get your head out of the sand, wake the f.uck up and move on. You could be with someone so amazing, so fantastic, and so kind and thoughtful, and yet you are wasting your time on this c.unt. Stop doing that. You DO deserve better, and something better is out there; you just need to give up on this woman and start focusing your energy on more positive things.

[TheEvilJester]

Again, I don't know how many more screaming, glowing red flags you need. I mean, she cancels plans with you very last minute so she can go to her hobby...... the very same one she told you she was avoiding because her ex would be there. ....but for some reason she expects that you should still put your life on hold and wait around for her?! Where in the heck does she get the nerve to be mad at your for making other plans? Your plans with her had been cancelled. In other words, that means you are free to make whatever other plans you want. Why is it fair for her to cancel your plans last minute, but not fair for you to then find something else to do? Does she expect you just to be sitting around available to her 24/7 whenever she wants?

The honest answer is probably yes. That is probably exactly what she expects. She just expects you to be around so she can use you when she needs you and toss you aside when she does not. That's no way to treat a friend, much less somebody you claim to love. Honestly, melancholia said it all. I can't even add much more.

As she's pointed out, I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt..... but that is becoming impossible to do for this woman. Sure, good people get stuck in crap situations sometimes.... but they eventually try to do something to better those situations. She has done nothing to show she truly wants this all to stop. In fact, she's done nothing but exhibit evidence that is leading us to believe she thrives in this kind of crap. That even if she eventually leaves her ex behind once and for all, she'll just find drama elsewhere. That, if you are with her, this kind of crap will just be your life.

Again, I could be wrong.... but it sure as heck doesn't seem like it the more and more details you share.

[RagnaRocke]

Guys, thanks for everything. I decided to finally grow a backbone, put my foot down and take your advice.

I met up with her before work today and explained that I thought we had rushed into things too quickly and that it wasn't good for us long term to keep seeing each other. I explained that after a breakup, I think everyone needs sort of a 'grief period' to get over their ex and I had never given her a chance to go through that and get over him because she was seeing me like, twice a week every week since they broke up.

So I explained that I think we should stop seeing each other for a couple of weeks so she could have that grief period. I said there was no specific time schedule, just that I would leave her alone and maybe only talk over text occassionally until I settled things in my own head and she felt like she had resolved things with her ex. I said that I'd check in with her and see if we can pick up where we left off after a few weeks.

She was very upset with my decision at first and started crying. She apologised for how she acted about me making other plans and said she over-reacted. She explained that she did want to keep seeing me, it was just that she was angry because she was really looking forward to seeing me and couldn't control her emotions at the time. She said she was sorry for making me feel the way I did, but in the end she said she was fine with my choice and that she understood.

So, I think we parted on good terms and I just need a bit of time now to see how things go. I hope I've done the right thing. :/

[melancholia]

I really think you did do the right thing. You need time to refocus your energy back into your own life, just as much as she needs time to sort out her feelings about her breakup and what she wants. It's not an easy thing to do, but it is the right thing to do for sure. The more distance you put between you two and this drama will help you gain the perspective you so desperately need. You will be able to think much more clearly about everything and give yourself time to heal a bit.

Best of luck to you. Keep us updated!

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed, again, with melancholia. It's what we've been saying all along. You both really need time to sort everything out in your own minds and decide if the two of you truly do have potential as a couple. More than anything, she needs time to deal with her ex and figure that out once and for all. Maybe that will result in them getting back together, but that is her mistake to make. Hopefully she'll have some common sense and she'll finally put him in her past once and for all.

Then, if/when she finally does, she needs some time to heal and recover from that tumultuous relationship. It is typically best for anybody to take some time to be alone after a relationship..... but especially under circumstances like this. As I've been saying all along, if it turns out you two are meant to be, then you will be meant to be days or weeks or months down the road when she's finally dealt with all this. If it is meant to be, you won't suddenly somehow miss out on the chance just by having some patience and waiting a bit. On the other hand, by trying to force it at a time when she is otherwise in some emotional turmoil, you run the risk of hindering would otherwise could have been a good thing. I think you've seen first hand the kind of stress that can put on both of you because you are both trying to kick start your relationship at a time when she's not yet fully dealt with the relationship she was in at the time when you met her.

Now, from a lot of what we have seen, I have my concerns and doubts as to whether she ever will end all this drama with her ex, or even if she does, whether or not she's the type who will always have some kind of drama going around. However, you can worry about that down the road. If you are able to stick to giving her time, and she is as well, you can make that call when you two come back together to decide if/when it is right to try again.

As I've said before, I hope it does work out for you. I know what it is like to want something/somebody to work out so badly. I know what it can feel like to see a situation with that someone going so badly and feel powerless to fix it and yet powerless to avoid it as well. So I certainly understand how you feel. I think we've all been there at some point, even if not exactly like your situation. So, sincerely.... I do hope this works out for the best for you. At the very least, though, if it does not, I wish you the very best in realizing that and finding your way to whomever it is that will be what you are looking for in a partner.

Good luck.

[RagnaRocke]

We've been talking by text over the last week, normally just little chats every other day and we sometimes say good night to each other.

She invited me to come to a barbecue at her parent's house and I have mixed feelings about it.

One one hand, I really want to see her again and I feel if she wants to introduce me to her family then that seems like a good sign.

But on the other hand, I've had a wave of relief over the last week. I've not been thinking about her ex or worrying about her seeing him. I know she still has been, and I don't know if it has been friendly or romantic, but it hasn't been bothering me.

I've discovered that he has bought two kittens recently and I find it hard to believe she hasn't been to his place to see them - but that's none of my business.

I also think it's a little weird that this isn't a hang out or a date that she has invited me to. I'm not sure if I should go, or maybe turn it down this time and try to make different plans. As far as I know, she hasn't officially got back with her ex and I do like her a lot. I'm a bit worried if I start seeing her again though, the vicious cycle in my head will start again.

If I do see her again, I think I have to resign myself to not asking or talking about her ex at all. I'll have to keep any negative feelings to myself for now and see what happens.

What do you guys think?

[melancholia]

Don't go to the BBQ. You want more than just a friendship with her and I think she knows that, but she's stringing you along because she likes the attention you give her and she likes your company (when she wants it). Inviting you to her BBQ with her family there doesn't mean as much as you think it does - at least I don't think it does. It's just a BBQ.

I think you really need to pay attention to what your instincts are telling you. You seem very wishy-washy about wanting to spend time with her again because you know the chances are extremely high that things will fall right back into the same way they were before. You even said that you felt relief over the past week because you weren't hanging out with her or thinking about her and her ex. Those feelings are important for you to sort all of this out and you need to pay more attention to that.

I know I've been pretty hard on you in giving you advice, but that's because I don't believe in sugar-coating things and I think tough love works well for people who are stubborn, like you. I don't mean that in a bad way, but I think you are so caught up in trying to make this work that you are forgetting about your own needs.

Have you ever been in a serious relationship before? I ask because relationships aren't this difficult to navigate, especially at the beginning. If someone wants to be with you, they will be with you. They will make it clear with their actions and their words, and they won't make you play a guessing game like the one you've been playing this whole time. This woman might like you, but she doesn't respect you, and she isn't treating you like she loves you. You treat her that way, but she doesn't reciprocate and I think that's where a lot of your anxiety around this is coming from.

I wish you could learn to believe that you deserve better than her. I think you could be with someone amazing, who doesn't make you feel this way. There are so many fantastic people out there who put good, healthy, positive energy out into the world, and into their relationships. You can find love and happiness with another person, but you won't be able to look for that if you are caught up in this sh1tstorm.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed. I see no reason you should go to the BBQ. I see no reason you should see her again at this stage. You can continue to be there as a supportive friend, but right now you shouldn't be anything more at this stage. It hasn't been very long. It is unlikely everything is resolved yet for her. So, if you did cave in and just start seeing her again, things very likely would just descend back into the same madness you'd been dealing with before.

As melancholia points out, relationships should never be this hard. Hell, sometimes a good relationship CAN hit a really rough patch, but things should never be THIS hard..... and ESPECIALLY not in the very early stages of a relationship. That is when a relationship should be exciting and new and you both can't wait to see each other. If there is so much drama already in the beginning of a relationship, that doesn't exactly offer much confidence that there won't be more and more drama throughout the whole relationship.

Hopefully this will all turn out just to be her going through a bad time in her life. Given time, hopefully everything will be okay and you two can actually have the chance to legitimately pursue your chances. But, if it turns out that she is just using you and doesn't really care about you (the way it seems to those of us who have responded) then you'd be better off learning that sooner rather than later. The best way to find that out is to stay your course of action now of giving her time and space.

If you continue to give her some space and she keeps trying to pull you back in... and it starts to escalate to where she tries to force you to give her attention.... that's a pretty good sign that she's just using you. If you give her the space she needs and she actually understands and appreciates that and uses the time to deal with her ex, then maybe she was a good person all along, just stuck in a bad situation. By then, you'd both be better able to deal with the relationship anyway, and to allow things to take their natural course.

Good luck to you. I think you've been tortured far too much for much too long. You deserve a happy ending here, so I hope that is what you get.... whether that means you wind up with her, or whether that happy ending winds up being somebody else.

[RagnaRocke]

I ended up going agaisnt your advice again and I went to the BBQ, but there's more of a story to it than just that.

I decided to decline her invitation and told her over text that I wasn't interested. She asked why and I made some excuses and explained that I thought it was too early for me to meet her family. I recieved the silent treatment after this but I didn't text back.

On the morning of the day of the BBQ, she called me - which is unusual because she has always texted before. She invited me again to the BBQ and I said no. She sounded upset and wanted to know why and we decided to meet up and talk about things.

I explained about the grief period regarding her ex again and I explained that I couldn't really be myself around her family since they were a new group of people. I said I would have to be really well behaved so I couldn't be natural, at least at first. I explained that I still really liked her, but also that I wasn't interested in a 'friendship'. I said I had really strong feelings for her - and that if we were hanging out with a group of mutual friends, I would act normally and treat her like my friend. I then explained that if we were going to spend time together outside of mutual friendship groups, I was not interested unless it was in a romantic sense.

To cut a long story short, she understood and convinced me to go to the BBQ. Which I actually enjoyed. I got on well with her family and she introduced me to people as her boyfriend. I brought it up later, but she said she couldn't be bothered to explain the whole situation and it was just easier to say that.

Afterwards, I invited her back to mine and she was happy to come. I repeated what I had said earlier about only seeing her in a romantic sense and she was more than happy to come back to mine and spend the night with me. We kissed and so on... So I wouldn't say we were just chilling as friends.

The topic of her ex inevitably came up, even though I tried to avoid it. He had expressly asked her - if there were going to be events with mutual friends in which the three of us would all be present, he would prefer if I wasn't there. He had asked her to request of me, that at those times I didn't turn up - or if I wanted to turn up, the two of them should arrange a one-on-one hang out to make up for him not wanting to come.

She said she would rather that I didn't go since she doesn't want to end up having to spend one-on-one time with him. There was a long discussion about this where I expressed that I wasn't happy with the situation. I explained that, as a person, I don't like to change who I am or what I choose to do because of how other people might see me or because of how other people might feel. I said if I was invited to a hang out and I wanted to go, I would - and that she didn't have to do anything with him if she didn't want to.

She said that she still felt bad for him and he was still upset about loosing her. Over the time I hadn't been seeing her, she said he had tried to win her back and was generally being a pest. I explained that I understood he may be a problem that might never go away. That I understood if I wanted to be with her, I would have to learn to deal with that. But I also expressed that it was unfair that we had to change the way we act while he was around, (she didn't want to 'rub in his face' that we were together) and that it was unfair that I wouldn't be able to hang out with mutual friends because he was acting like a child about it. I didn't want to stop going to mutual hang outs because I thought it made me look weak. I said if she told him I'd agreed to that, I would look like an idiot to him and our friends.

We came to an agreement, where we would stay on a break for the next two weeks and I agreed to stay away from mutual hang outs if he would be there. I said I thought that was enough time to show we were being respectful of their old relationship and for him to come to terms with her being with me and not going back to him. I explained that after the two weeks, we would start being romantic together again - even around our friends and her ex and - if after these two weeks he still couldn't deal with it, it was not our problem. If she still had a problem with it after these two weeks, I said I didn't think things were going to work between us.

She looked upset, but I think it was more about the reality that I might let her go and move on than anything else. She agreed to the two week idea and we enjoyed the rest of the night.

I know I went agaisnt advice again, but she has a way of twisting my arm. I really tried to be strong and put my foot down with things this time though. Do you guys think I did the right thing?

[melancholia]

So the short version of this story is she's still playing you and you're still going along with it like a fool. She may twist your arm, but you're the one handing it over to her. It is sad that you told her how you felt about wanting to pursue the romantic feelings you have for her, and she introduces you to her family as her boyfriend, but explains to you that "it's just easier to say that then tell the truth"... are you f.ucking kidding me? Why didn't you just leave after that? That is a blatant slap in the face if I've ever seen one before. And you just sit there and take it. I don't think you tried to put your foot down at all. If she gives you a sliver of hope, you run with it and keep doing the same old thing again and again. No. I do not think you did the right thing because you are still in the same place you were before lol.

She is still playing you. Whether you refuse to see that for what it is or not is nobody's problem but your own. She isn't going to miraculously wake up one day and decide she wants to be with you. Even IF she did decide she wanted to be with you, in a real relationship, you've coddled her bratty behavior for so long now that nothing will change. The foundation of your relationship has already been set. It's been built up from a lack of respect toward you and your feelings on her part, and a lack of self-respect on your part. I don't see how anything will be different unless you actually end things with her... and by end things with her, I mean stop seeing her and stop talking to her entirely.

[TheEvilJester]

I've said it before, and I'll likely say it again.... I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. As much as I've lost faith in humanity, as much as I've lost faith I will ever find love myself.... I still try to give people a reasonable benefit of doubt. I'd like to say I can do that here. I'd like to say I can imagine that maybe... MAYBE she's sincerely just a good person caught in a bad situation. That who among us has not been stuck in a crappy situation in life and not been the best version of us....

But I just can't do that here. I couldn't agree more with everything melancholia had to say above. This girl uses you and you continue you allow it. At this rate, it honestly does not seem like her drama will ever end. Even if it does, though, I have a feeling she's one of these people who somehow always has SOMETHING going on. There will always be SOME kind of ridiculous drama and you will never be allowed to just be happy. Believe me, this is coming from a guy who knows from experience. For a long time, I was deluded and so sure that my ex was a good person who somehow just kept getting into crappy situations.

There is a BIG difference between a good person who just keeps having bad things happening and a person who just attracts/craves that drama. The biggest difference is that the good person eventually finds their way OUT of all that crap and then can finally actually enjoy their life. The drama queen finds their way out of all that crap.... just to invent all new crap so there is ALWAYS something going on. It took me too long to realize that my ex was the latter, NOT the former. That she was a drama queen, not just a good person who had too much crap going on.

I COULD be wrong in your situation. Hell, nothing would make me happier for you than if I did turn out to be wrong.... and I'd happily come back here and say "I was wrong." But I see NO evidence to believe I am wrong and SO MUCH evidence to believe I am right. It doesn't seem like you will EVER be allowed to be happy with her.

But, I think we've pretty much exhausted everything we could possibly say to you. It is your life, and in the end only you are the one who has to live it. Right now, she's got you under her spell. In time, that will fade and one of two things will happen. A) The drama will all finally subside and you two can sincerely try your chance at being happy together or B) You will finally have had enough of it and realize that you deserve better. Believe me, in time if nothing approves, option B will happen.

Though, maybe not to quite this extreme.... I do understand how you feel. When you find yourself hooked on somebody/the idea of that somebody, it can be SO hard to let that go.... to realize that they are not good for you.... to realize they probably don't deserve you. It can be so hard not to cling to it and think if we can just get through "ABC" we can finally be happy. Thing is, ABC becomes DEF becomes GHI.... eventually becomes XYZ.... and the whole vicious cycle just repeats over and over. Again, I hope I am wrong, but I don't see ANY sign of this gal sincerely feeling bad for all this drama she is putting you through... or any sincere effort on her part to get through and end all this drama... for herself just as much as for you. So, inevitably either it all will finally end.... or you will finally have the final straw break.

Either way, I hope your happy ending comes very soon.... whatever that may turn out to be. You'd do yourself a HUGE favor by putting her in your past now. IF she were to finally get through all this, then maybe you try again at that point... but you'd be doing yourself so much good to get out of all of this for the time being. But, you have to do whatever you decide. It is your life to live.