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Thread: Feelings for someone with a boyfriend.

  1. #1
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    Feelings for someone with a boyfriend.

    I have these unwanted feelings for someone. We have amazing conversations. She is funny, smart and beautiful. But she has a boyfriend and I don't know what she sees in him. I think I could treat her better, make her happier. I think what we had was much more natural, while with him it is more forced. But I can see why she is with him and how he makes her feel when she looks at him and smiles. So why can't I let this go?

    WARNING: This turned into a bit of a ramble.

    A while ago, I started to fall for someone. It's not a feeling I've ever had before and it is not a fun feeling. I don't know the reason why this occurred, but it shoudn't have. She has a boyfriend and they love each other and they get on well together. Their values and what they want from their relationship long term are perfectly in line.

    When I first met her, I didn't like her that much. I thought she was a bit socially akward and not that attractive. We became friends as we had a shared hobby and for a long time I never saw her as more than a friend. But one day when we were just hanging out, something that I can't explain happened and I started to like her in a different way. I don't know what it was, why or how it happened. It came out of nowhere. Although I didn't know it at the time, I think that was the day I started to fall for her.

    Although I never dated her, I could count the time I spent with her among the happiest days of my life. She always knew what to say to inspire me and make me work harder on overcoming my obstacles in life. I always try to be myself, but I've been told that I'm a bit of a dick by a lot of people. This would put me on guard at all times around other people, but I always felt like I could be fully myself around her. Just being close to her made me feel more hopeful and positive about life, it was like my mood was elevated when we were together, the world seemed like a better place.

    I would occassionally let my mind wander to how we would be as a couple. I felt that we had such a natural connection that it would work well, even her boyfriend had said more than once that he could see us being together. I felt she would compliment my life and that we would work well together to push each other forward and become better people. We always seemed to know what the other meant in conversation. I was grateful that I had met her. I've never felt this way about anyone before and I've certainly never had feelings like this develop so quickly.

    There came to be this moment of realisation and acceptance where I knew I had to get over this, but I couldn't. I thought the best thing I could do was seperate myself from her. Not because I wanted to, but because I thought it was the right thing to do. I thought it would be more emotionally healthy for me. So it started off completely fine. I was logical, rational. She lived with her boyfriend in a great flat. I had to move on. By the time I had applied for a new job in another town and looked at a new place to live, I felt terrible. As I started to pack my things I felt numb. I couldn't even believe I was feeling this way. I'd thought about it because I thought it was the right thing but in that moment I was freaked out. I wanted to tell her that I cared about her but I didn't want her to have to fabricate or manufacture a response or feel guilty. I wanted to give her a hug and a kiss and tell her how I felt, but I didn't want to damage their relationship.

    I have moved around a lot in my life and I have never stayed in one place for more than 2 years since I was about 16. I was kicked out and didn't speak to my family for over 8 years before the gap was eventually healed and even now it is on thin ice. This means that I have very little concept of what 'home' is. I didn't realise until I decided to move away from her, that it was when I was with her that I felt like I had come home.

    The numbness stayed with me for a couple of hours, until that night. That's when the numbness shifted into loneliness and sadness and even though I had planned to pack, I couldn't bring myself to do anything but sit there. I tried to process my feelings in my head over and over again, but I just sat there for about 10 minutes in silence, thinking about everything I felt, everything that I regretted. I felt miserable. There was a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. I felt that, even though I knew I was doing the right thing, I felt incredibly sad because I wouldn't be able to spend time with her anymore.

    A couple of days went by and I eventually told my best friend about my feelings for her and he was brilliant. He took me on nights out, we did all the things I liked, he tried to keep me busy but in-between these events this feeling came back. I kept thinking of her and eventually I went to her facebook, which was the dumbest thing I could ever do. I went to her facebook and before I could even scroll down, I saw a picture of her that I hadn't seen before. It was of her looking beauitful, enjoying one of her hobbies with her boyfriend. I immediatly closed my internet browser but not before my adrenaline shot through the roof, my blood pressure started pounding, I felt my heart beat, I found myself getting angry and jealous and my head just started to go into these crazy spirals.

    I couldn't believe myself. I was angry at myself. I felt silly that I wanted to feel upset. I wondered when the picture was taken. I started comparing myself to her boyfriend and started imagining how I was going to become better in all the ways that matter to me. I was going to be better at my job, I was going to work harder at the gym, I was going to get more talented at music, I was going to become a better friend, a better person, travel more, become more world aware. I was comparing myself to her boyfriend, I was in a death fight with him in my head.

    Five minutes later I realised, what the hell am I doing? But I couldn't snap this streak. For the next day and the next couple of days I felt divided. Every time I was with my friends I was wondering, what is she doing now? Sometimes I wished that she wasn't having a good time. I imagined that she would be having a better time if I were with her. I started wondering what she was doing, comparing my life to hers, it became impossible to live my life in a happy way. That's where my head was at the time.

    I still had to work, I still had to focus. So I started doing whatever I could to sort my head out. I studied human psychology and I created a list of mental exercises that I had to do. A few days later I saw on her facebook another photo I hadn't seen before. It was of her with her boyfriend and she was wrapped around him with the biggest smile I'd ever seen on her face. Suddenly, all I could think about in that moment was how grateful I was to her boyfriend for making her smile so big.

    That for me was a complete plot twist. I didn't see it coming because last time I had seen a photo like this, I had gotten sad and retreated into myself. I started to worry about how things affected me and what I realised that I needed to do, was get to a point where I could share in the happiness of other people even when I didn't nesessarily feel it.

    Even though I had strong feelings for her, I had a very limited concept of what this meant. When I was frozen in silence that other night, I wanted her close to me. I wanted her to know that I cared. I wanted to make her happy. When I spent time with her, this made me a better person because I was learning how to make her and other people happy, but it also made me very self-centered in where her happiness came from.

    When I saw the first facebook photo, I realised that I wasn't happy that she was happy. I was jealous and upset that she was happier with someone else. I later found out that the photo was taken a long time before I even developed feelings for her and this entire episode in my head was completely manufactured. I couldn't be happy for her at the time, because I felt I should be the one to make her happy.

    I've never been in Love but I've always thought that Love means that you need each other. If she was happy without me around then she didn't need me. I had become stuck in a negative spiral where I was trying to figure out for myself what these feeling were and if she felt the same. The only way I could have pursued that would have been to potentially damage a wonderful relationship. That sounded too screwed up to be Love and would have guranteed pain for everyone involved. So whatever those feelings were, I decided it wasn't Love.

    I tried to date other girls. I've dated 3 different girls since I fell for her but not one of them worked out. The weird thing is I feel bad for them, because I know deep down if she approached me and wanted to be my girlfriend, I would drop my current interest like a sack of bricks. I felt like I was trying to fill a hole with someone else, a hole that only she could fill. No one could measure up to her.

    - - - Updated - - -

    I came to realise that I wanted her to be happy, no matter what. I saw that photo of her, with a smile on her face and felt glad that she was happy. I was grateful to whoever it was in her life, family, friends or her boyfriend that were making her feel that way because I cared about her and I couldn't personally make her feel that way.

    I thought if she did care about me, she wouldn't want me to be stressing in silence, she would want me to be happy. I wanted that for myself too so I decided not to think about her anymore and hoped to start feeling better immediatly. This didn't diminish how I felt about her or how important she was to me, it was just the right thing to do. I kept telling myself I should feel this way, but then I'd imagine her with her boyfriend and that was not how I felt. Immediatly, my feelings came back and I would be jealous. So I spent a lot of time thinking about how I could get my head into the right place.

    In order for things to work between two people, they need to feel loved. It's human nature. Babies, if they aren't shown affection, will literally die. Humans thrive on the affection and the love of other people. If they don't get it, their lives go out of sequence. Everything starts to break down. Their health breaks down, they start being mean to other people, they stop achieving their goals. They need to feel affection.

    Well-being is kind of like a table. As long as it's supported by legs, it's fine. So what people spend a lot of time doing in their lives is finding support. They have friends supporting them, making them feel loved. They have family who make them feel loved. They have a girlfriend or boyfriend who makes them feel loved. Everyone has different ones. I tried to think about what my legs were. What provided that sense of love, that sense of well-being for me. It cerainly wasn't family due to past events and I can't honestly say I've truely 'been in Love' with any of my girlfriends. There were some girls that I cared about a great deal, but that's not the same. I'd been single for a long time too, so it would be my friends. The problem is that these legs are unstable. Life happens. One leg disappears and the table will topple. Your life goes to shit. You no longer feel good. You no longer feel fond of the people around you. You become bitter. You become not very nice, not very concerned with how things are going for others.

    Most people, when they loose one of those legs and the table becomes slanted, they spend more time with the other supporting factors until the lost leg can be replaced. After a month or so, they are completely back to normal because they've built another leg there or they've strengthened some of the other legs. That's great, but it doesn't solve the problem that the table is so wobbly because the legs underneath it are not certain.

    I've only had one leg or sometimes no legs at all for my table most of my life. The truth of life is, people will die. Girlfriends or boyfriends will leave. Friends will leave. Even friends whom I thought I would be friends with for a long time are no longer in contact with me. So the legs are always shaking. What people try to do, is re-enforce those legs. They need to find that feeling of well-being again. They need to lock the legs in. They try to build braces around the legs.

    These braces can take the form of different things for different people. For some it can be threatening. Like one of my ex-girlfriends saying if I left her, she would cut herself. I figured that she was saying this because it made her feel certain that I wouldn't ever leave her. I had a different way of building braces. I would try to make myself very important to that person. I'd focus on self-improvement and self-development. A lot of situations in my life, particually with girls that didn't work out, I would look back and think, how can I avoid this happening again? So I would work on myself. I'd make myself stronger. I'd make myself more fun to be around. I'd make myself more critically important. I'd make myself better at making people happy in order to ensure that the people most important to me stay in my life.

    But life happens. It doesn't matter how important I am to someone, life can be complicated. That's when these braces become negative. Like this girl and her boyfriend. Rather than being just happy for them because they are amazing together, when I think about it I find myself being negative. I'm not concerned about how happy they are together, I'm concerned about how it affects me. I was so concerned with making her happy when she was around me that when other people did it, like her boyfriend, that would threaten me and make me feel useless and invisible. That's why her facebook photo affected me so dearly at first.

    I realised that every support in your life that comes from someone else is unstable. No matter how good your friends, family or loved ones are, you will be insecure for the rest of your life as long as you rely on them. If you think this way, you will constantly be seeking security. But I had spent most of my life without those things, so I knew there was only one solution. That is to build yourself not a leg, but a pillar coming up from the ground through your well-being table that is supported by you. I believe the correct term for this is self-respect.

    - - - Updated - - -

    I didn't know about the character limit... But basically my question is:

    How can I deal with this girl, this friendship and my feelings for her in a way that's acceptable or do I need to filter this person and this relationship out?

  2. #2
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    If she has a boyfriend, it's not up to you to decide how happy or fulfilled she is with that relationship. It's up to her to decide, and until she breaks up with him, you should consider her to be off limits. It's one thing to have feelings for someone who is in a relationship, you can't really control how you feel about another person; but it's shady and disrespectful to try and act on those feelings when you know full well that she's in an exclusive relationship with someone else.

    I'd suggest moving on from the idea of her for now, and pursuing other relationships with people who are available. If she becomes single, then you can take a chance and ask her out. Until then, you're SOL.
    "Caring is not an advantage."

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    I agree - I've never acted on my feelings. In fact I've tried everything I can think of to get rid of them. When I talked about chickening out of moving away, I knew it was the right decision then, my judgement was just clouded and I think you've given me some clarity.

    My plan is to accept the new job and move out of town. But the next question is about how I deal with these feelings. I'd like to stay in contact with her, in case there is an oppurtunity where she is single... But doesn't that sound kind of shady and disrespecful too?

    I'm not even sure staying in contact would be good for my mental state. Prehaps 'going cold turkey' would be better. It would force me to get over it.

    But again, I'm divided by my heart and my mind.

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    Yes - it is shady and disrespectful to pretend to be friends with someone you have feelings for, especially when she's in a relationship with someone else. I absolutely recommend cutting contact with her and focusing on yourself and your own life. It's not going to be easy, but it's really your only option at this point. The more you focus your energy and attention onto yourself, your career, your interests/hobbies, the less she will consume your thoughts. You need to change your patterns of thinking if you want to move past this. How can you expect to get over someone if you stay in contact with them? Tell her you can't stay friends because you have feelings for her and it's not fair since she has a boyfriend. Then cut her off from social media and other contacts, and move forward. There are plenty of other fabulous women out there who are single, and could be a great match for you. You just need to give yourself some time to get over this one.
    "Caring is not an advantage."

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    I guess the only answer is time.

    In these situations, if you can't condition your mind to deal with it, you have to put yourself in a position where you have no choice but to deal with it.

    But, I'm not sure about telling her we can't be friends because I have feelings for her. I still will have to cut off contact but I wouldn't want to do anything that might damage their relationship. Might be better if I just fade away. She's stop worrying about me eventually, in like a month or so probably.

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    So here's an update. There is some good and some bad.

    The good news, is that I've secured a new job and a new flat and am moving out of town in about 9 days.

    As is custom with such a change, I've made an effort to spend time with all my friends before I leave. The girl in question was not on that list. However, I recieved a text from her - I was hanging out with some mates at the time - and she wanted to hang out with me. Not alone, there would have been another two people with her.

    At first I explained I was busy and couldn't be there, as I was with friends. She still had no idea I am leaving town. It was fine until a little later when she texted me again saying that no one could hang out with her and was feeling ill. As I was still with my friends at this point, I simply advised her to stay home and relax but she said she just wanted to get out of the house.

    This is where the bad news starts. I've been doing very well accepting my feelings for her. I've not been able to supress them, but have accepted them and have obviously taken steps to remove myself from her life. But the remnants of those feeling came into play and resulted in me cutting my time with my friends short so I could take her out.

    I let slip that I was leaving town and she didn't seem bothered by it at all - not that she should be. Later though, she started play fighting with me, trying to slap me and pin me down, I ended up doing the same to her and before I knew it, things had happened.

    Although we didn't do anything sexual, we did both end up topless and there was sort of a kiss at the end - but then a couple of people she knew walked in on us and we had to scramble to get dressed - we were both hot and sweaty - I think it looked pretty bad. One of them immeditaly mentioned that he knew her boyfriend.

    I drove her home shortly after. During this journey I asked her if she thought I had done anything wrong and she replied,
    "Sort of." I solemly apologised. I said she should probably tell her boyfriend, since it would be better to hear from her than through word of mouth, but she said not to worry, that we didn't do anything that constituted 'cheating' and that if she told him, she thought it would land her in the shit.

    I don't really know what advice I'm asking for this time. Maybe it would be best just to dissapear but there are a lot of thoughts in my head. The way she is with me, for example. If things go awry with her current boyfriend, I would like to pursue her - although I know how slimy that sounds.

    The plan at the moment is to continue with my move - really I have no choice, it's kinda set in stone, but I'll probably keep in contact.

  7. #7
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    Hold on a sec, don't jump to conclusions. Have you told this woman how much you care about her? Does she have any clue?

    Did it ever occur to you that maybe she feels the exact same way about you, but isn't as strong as you think? If you haven't told her how you feel, there's more reason for her to assume you're not interested. She may very well be in a relationship with someone she dislikes. All you saw was a photo of her smiling. People smile for photos all the time. But people also face all kinds of drama when trying to walk away from relationships. Don't judge a book by its cover. She could have had family issues in her childhood, and not know how to leave this guy without help. She could be really sensitive and hanging close to him for 10+ reasons! Relationship psychology is not as black and white as most people make it out to be. If she reached out to you, and told you that she wanted to see you, take that as a sign of much deeper feelings.

    There is no such a thing as disrupting a relationship. People only get stronger when faced with the truth and when telling the truth. If this woman finds out how you feel about her, she would have to re-evaluate her path by choosing the one she loves. You'll get your answer then. But first you'll have to give her that choice by giving her a sign that you're interested.

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    I definitely think she has more responsibility in this situation than you do, considering she is the one with a boyfriend. Things like this don't "just happen"; both of you went well out of your way to make this happen. I believe that this may not have been what you intended, but it certainly sounds like both of you hoped something like this would happen. I totally understand where you're coming from here, it's not easy to fight feelings you have for a person, even if they are with someone else. She is the one with the boyfriend though, so why is she doing this? Is she stringing you along and having her fun while keeping her privilege of having a boyfriend at home alive? Or is there something more there? At this point, it doesn't sound like there's much you can do since you're moving. Even if she broke up with her boyfriend and you two decided to be together, how would you navigate an LDR?

    This just sounds like a mess. I think you deserve to be happy with someone who respects you, and respects the boundaries of a relationship. I think it will be good for you to move. To get used to a new life in a new town, and focus on your own life. There will be other people out there who you connect with, trust me on that. You deserve to be happy, and it doesn't sound like this situation is making you happy.
    "Caring is not an advantage."

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    How do you know that she doesn't respect him? We don't know anything about her reasons for being with this other guy. Relationship dynamics aren't one size fits all.

    My sister came close to cheating once, but that doesn't make her a bad person. It was a natural process. She didn't know how to leave her relationship with her boyfriend. Her now husband helped her to realize her worth. He was and is her best friend, and he supported her every step of the way. He gave her more space and time than needed, and he was respectful of her challenges, and she was his. She loved her boyfriend. She would have been happy to spend her life with him, but it wasn't the same. He didn't appreciate her or treat her very well. She wasn't head over heels in love with him as she was and is her now husband.

    LDRs work all the time, how else do you think expats and military folk get on?

    What I'm trying to say is that he should give this woman a chance by telling her how he feels. I'm not suggesting he ask her to jump from one relationship into another, because she will need a couple of months without a man so as to re-gain her independence, but he can help her to realize that she doesn't need to be stuck in her own skin. If she is stuck.

    Nobody is perfect.

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    I was simply asking what would he do about an LDR seeing as he is moving, that wasn't a judgment.

    I did not say anyone here is a bad person. I did say it's disrespectful to cheat on a partner, the reason for cheating is irrelevant. Nobody just cheats by accident. It's a choice made solely by the person in a relationship to cheat on their partner.

    If this person wants to leave her boyfriend she will. But clearly she is not showing that she is considering how he would feel, at least that's the impression I have from the information the OP gave in their posts.

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    Apologies, but I did not quite have time to read the whole original post, but I did skim it and still wanted to help. Believe me, anybody who knows me on this board can tell you that is NOT a judgment on my part. I can make some really long posts myself, so I understand how sometimes you just feel you have a lot to explain. I just literally didn't have time to read the whole thing, but wanted to at least offer my thoughts.

    I did get the gist, though, and pretty much agree entirely with melancholia. The bottom line is she has a boyfriend, so you should consider her off limits. Is she madly in love with him and immeasurably happy? Are they bound to get married and live happily ever after? Or.... are they secretly miserable together and bound for an inevitable break-up? You have no way to know that. Not only that, but even if they ARE miserable, and you happen to know it.... for all you know, they could just be hitting a rough patch and they will get through it and be fine.

    So, no matter why, if she were to cheat on him, that would be wrong.... and if you were to pursue her and try to convince her to cheat on him would make you wrong. Believe me, I am NOT judging you, at least not based on anything you've shared so far. (Even the incident between you two may have crossed the line or come close, but I understand you hadn't meant to and just got carried away.) As melancholia said, you can't help who you do/do not wind up finding attractive or even on whom you wind up having a crush. You cannot help your feelings.

    However, you can help whether you act upon them appropriately or inappropriately. To be honest, maybe it is just me, but I don't honestly even think confessing your feelings to her would be right. She has a boyfriend. That isn't fair to do to her. If she's not happy with him, that should be her decision. If she IS happy with him, you shouldn't want to ruin that for her. Heck, even think of it like this.... if she IS the kind of person who would leave her boyfriend for you.... what exactly gives you any confidence that she wouldn't eventually do the same to you?

    So, as hard as it may be, distancing yourself is likely the best idea. Believe me, it won't be a magical cure. It IS going to take you some time to get over your feelings for her. In your attempts to get over her, you did have one thing right. Dating other women/finding somebody else will certainly help you to move on and realize there is somebody else for you..... however, what you didn't do quite right is that you jumped into that too soon. Again, don't get me wrong, I am not judging you. I think that is a mistake the majority of us have made at some point. However, you can't use dating as a tool for getting over somebody else, but more so as the final step in getting over somebody else. Otherwise, you are honestly just not putting your full heart into it. Not only do you not deserve that, but nor do the women you may date deserve to be with somebody who is secretly wishing they could be with somebody else.

    Time is, unfortunately, the only thing that will help you to get past your feelings for her. Believe me, in time you will realize that there are women out there who could be just as much of a match for you, or maybe even better. And, who knows? If fate happens to decide that she will become single, you could maybe give it a shot then.... but you just shouldn't leave your life on hold waiting around for something that may never happen.

    Good luck to you. Believe me, in time you will get over her. In time, if you want it, you WILL find your dream girl, whether that winds up being her or not.
    Last edited by TheEvilJester; 07-07-16 at 08:06 AM.

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    He is not suggesting that she would like him to cheat on her boyfriend. She could have no idea how he feels about her, and not know how to ask.

    I'm sorry, but I think it's obvious that they have a real connection just judging by the OPs words. There is no harm in telling her how he feels! This woman's boyfriend doesn't own her. She should be given the befit of the doubt, a chance to make the right choice.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Edit: he is not suggesting that he wants her to cheat on her boyfriend.

    - - - Updated - - -

    The OP also said she is a bit socially awkward, which makes me think that she's been through a lot in her life and may not be the strongest woman on the planet.

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    The only "right" choice here would be not to cheat on your significant other. If she decides she wants to leave her BF for the OP, then that's a choice that rests with her, and she's free to make it. If she actively chooses to engage in sexual behavior with someone outside of her relationship, then she is choosing to cheat on her BF; and unless they have an open relationship (which, by the sounds of it, they don't), then she is acting disrespectfully. For all we know, she could be a completely selfish b*tch, whose boyfriend is great, and loves her, and she just loves the attention she gets from guys outside of her relationship. I'm not necessarily saying that is the case here, but we don't really know. All we do know, is she is cheating on her boyfriend.

    Nobody here is suggesting they don't have a connection. What most of us are suggesting is that when someone is cheating on their partner, it's disrespectful to that person's relationship and partner. I'm not sure what it is about that, that you aren't getting.
    Last edited by melancholia; 07-07-16 at 05:55 PM.
    "Caring is not an advantage."

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    Oh please, she is not cheating on her boyfriend. The OP and this woman have had no sexual relations. All I am suggesting is that he tell her how he feels. It's not like this woman is married with 3 kids, even then it is better to tell the truth so that something, even if it's closure, can result from all of this. This is not what I what I would call even close to being a mess.

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    The incident he described that happened to them after he started this thread does sound like it could be right along or even maybe crossing the line into what constitutes cheating. I don't know. I don't think I'd necessarily categorize it as cheating if I am properly understanding what happened, but it does still sound like it was inappropriate given that she has a boyfriend. And, again, I don't say that meaning to judge the OP. I understand he hadn't meant things to escalate like that. Sometimes, so to speak, S happens.

    As far as him confessing her feelings to him, I honestly don't know. I really still lean towards thinking it is not right. To me, it just seems like a selfish thing to do. I mean, what exactly would you expect her to do with such information? She has a boyfriend. I don't think that is the sort of thing you should do unless they actually break up. I don't know, though. Maybe that is just me. I will readily admit there is some gray area there. I could be wrong. Maybe in that situation it is best just to be honest with her so long as you aren't presenting it as though you are telling her because you want her to leave him and be with you. Like, in other words, tell her assuming that it isn't going to change anything, but just that you want her to know.

    Again, though, to me I still lean towards thinking that isn't the right move. It just feels unfair to me to do that to somebody. She has a boyfriend, and as far as he knows they could be blissfully happy together. So, it is very likely all that would achieve is it would hurt her and ruin the friendship they have. Then nothing would come of it anyway. So, really, what is the point? Again, though, maybe that is just me.

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