I'm so f**cking lost :s

[yuukimaru]

Ok, this is going to be a looong story. But it's easier to talk to complete strangers and I have never told the full story to anyone, so this really helps. If it's too long for you, sorry, but if you take the time to read it, please tell me what you think, and thank you.

Almost four years ago, I started dating someone I had known for a long time. I was 22 at that time and so was him. His name was Dino, and he lived 300 miles away from me. I was one year away from getting my college degree, and we thought me could make it work. In the begining all was right, we talked all the time, and saw each other once a month. Sometimes I would visit, sometimes he would. A coumple of months after we had started dating 'seriously', he came to me and told me that he had gotten his ex-girlfriend pregnant, that he had sex with her only once, and before we had gotten serious. And that he still wanted to make things work between us, that he loved me and so on. Stupid, in-love, little me believed him. So I put on with it. Suffered like a bitch, may I add. Because you don't know how much it hurts to have the one you think is the love of your life craddle his first-born in his arms, and know it's not yours. I kept the secret. Since he lived away from my family and friends, they never knew he had cheated on me. And I really believed it was a one time thing. I don't, anymore. Time passed. I graduated and thought about moving abroad to get my PhD but didn't, mainly because of him. Instead, I setled for moving to another big city, 600 miles away from him. Supposedly, he would move with me latter, since my job is waaay more specific than his (he works in sales).
Time passed, I started my PhD, moved to a student's home, and travelled to see him every long weekend that I could (it was a 12 hour bus ride, by the way). He never came to visit, not even once. Hs working hours were more complicated than mine, so I understood. A year and a half ago we spent a week of our summer holidays in my parents' house. While we were there we saw a piece of land that was being sold at a very low price (to be paid in 40 months), and it was beautiful. So we decided to buy it. All my savings went to the first payment, and then, every month a very big part of my salary would go to pay my half of the price. From there on things went downhill. Calls started to be more sporadic. I slowly became less and less attached to him, felt like he was only my boyfriend 3 or 4 days a month, when we were together.
That's when somebody else entered the picture. His name is John. He moved into my students’ housing complex. At first I didn't even notice him. He is too younger than me for my liking (by now I'm 26 and he is 20). But he is so friendly, and nice, and caring, and suddenly, I don't know when, but he fell for me, hard. First love, you know? and so I started to notice this things, right around the same time things with Dino and me went sour. But I don't know, he is too young. I felt he’d get over me soon and leave me (I still do). So I didn't give him any chances. I tried to fix things up with Dino. I told him we were very distant, that I needed more. That seeing each other once a month wasn't enough for me. I wanted him to move in with me. He said he wouldn't, that we'd get maried and move in together same place else, once my PhD was finished. I thought it through and decided it wasn't enough. I really wanted to fix things, I did, but I felt lonely and sad, and at the same time John was offering me companionship, and all the attention I needed. So I made a choice. I told Dino 'You either come live with me, or that's it'. Right now it sounds stupid. I know he is a parent, but he always swore that I came first. I know that it's stupid to believe him, and also, that it wouldn't make him a very good person to leave his son to live with me, but I was in love, and so, I was STUPID. He thought it through. He said he didn't know, because I coudn't assure him that is presence would fix all of our problems. Finally, he said yes, but called the next day and went back on his word. We had a HUGE fight over the phone. He suggested that I leave my PhD unfinished, something I've worked hard for for the last 8 years, and move in with him. He called me a coward, because I wasn't willing to leave all behind for him. I was heartbroken. I broke up with him. A month later he was back with his ex. Which of course makes you wonder if he ever stopped seeing her, even though I was the 'official' girlfriend. In the mean time, a lot of fights started because of the property we were paying. In the end, I kept it, so now I have to work long extra hours tutoring in order to make the payments on my own ,and also pay him his money back. Funny thing is that he never signed any papers about buying the property, so it's only on my name, and I could stop paying him if I wanted, but he doesn't see it. Good ridance. Still, it hurt.
So by now we are in november, 2015. As I had broken up with Dino, and John was there for me, and I liked him, we started to spend more time together. I decided that yes, he was younger, but we were only having fun, so it was alright. I ended up having sex with him and finding out afterwards that I was his first. I felt terrible. He got really clingy, and though I like my men a bit clingy, I felt suffocated. Keep in mind that we live together (with 10 other people, but still...).
Summer holidays came and I went home to my parents. Some friends I work with went there too, and brought some of their friends. Thats when I met Alex. Now, Alex is a year older than me, isn't a student anymore, but a rather succesful young business man (I say it because his job, the way he talks about it, how ambitious and passionate about it he is makes him very interesting as a person, not because of the money he might or might not have). I don't know how, but we really clicked.
So things got complicated. As I see it, my failed relationship with Dino made me very confused, distrusting, I wanted to see myself in a happy relationship but I couldn't. You might say I rushed. That I was afraid to be alone, and you’d be right. But timing is a bitch. So you always meet people in the wrong time. I tried to start something with Alex. Told John that I wasn't in love with him, and that just having fun was clearly not enough for him, but I couldn't give him anything else. I wasn't ready. So I though starting slowly, with someone new and closer to my age would be easier. That Alex, being more mature, would let me take things slow, hang out and see. I was wrong, again.
Things with John became very complicated, it was so hard seeing him suffer. I wasn't in love with him but cared deeply about him non the less. And Alex soon became too attached to me too. He didn't understand my need to take things slow, even though I explained as best as I could. So I started putting some distance, visiting less often and so on. I liked him, but he was going to fast for me, we weren't on the same page.

John and I started talking again. We got closer,but I tried to keep things friendly. He knew I was seeing somebody else, though it wasn't seriuos. One day three months ago, I swear don't know how it happend, John kissed me. And things got completely out of control. Suddenly I was dating two different pleople at the same time. Alex wasn't seriuos, and John said he only wanted to spend time with me, but I knew I'd have to make a choice, soon, or it'd be a huge mess. But I didn't know what to do. Of course, I wasn't in love with either of them, or the decision would have been easy. I tried to take time off from both of them, started seing a psicologist, but it didn't help. And though it was easy to keep away from Alex, I couldn't stay away fron John, living in the same house and all. Eventually, I decided that since I live with John, and have tried in numerous occations to stop being with him, but can't seem to keep my resolution, that I should either move to another house or cut things off with Alex. But my name is on the f**cking lease, and I have nowere else to go. So I decided I'd just stop seeing Alex. I even told John I would. But then, when I went to see Alex to talk with him, I just couldn't. I tried, three times. He said that he feels comfortable with me, that he feels himself, I don't know. I like them both. So I'm lost. By now, Alex is kinda fed up with me, but I have started missing him a bit, thinking about him. John has gotten even more attached to me in this last two months. And I'm a mess.

Thing is, I'm not in love with either of them, but I do like them both a lot, and care about them (which is why I feel terrible, they are such nice people, I don't want to hurt any of them, but I can't find a way not to).

So it comes down to this, I like John, and care for him deeply, and he makes me laugh, and he makes me so happy sometimes. But he smothers me sometimes too. And I don't think I can actually have a future with him. That's what bothers me most. Because he is too young, and I don't know, I'll be in my thirties soon, I'll want to settle, have kids, and he'll still be studing. And I have to get a postdoc overseas but he can't come with me if he is studing (and I'm never ever getting in another distance relationship again). So I should cut things off with him, but then, I have tried, and I can't stand to see him like that, and not be able to share things with him anymore, and so...

On the other hand, I do see a chance with Alex in the future, because the situation is different. I mean, if John wasn't in my life I know I could really try something with him. But John is here, and I know I'd miss him incredibly...

So I don't know what to do. I know I can't have everything and that I have to make a choice. I know that perhaps I'd be better off alone for a while, but it is easier said than done when one of the persons in question is my roommate. I just don't know anymore. They both are the kind of people I would fall deeply for, and still here I am...

So, what do you think?

[melancholia]

Dump them both and focus on school and getting your life in order. You are in no place for a relationship with anyone other than yourself right now. Neither of these guys deserve the head games you're playing with them, even if that's not your intention, it's what you're doing. Even though they are somewhat aware of each other, what they don't seem to be aware of is how much you don't actually like them. Have some respect for these men, and for yourself. You should be single right now because there is no way you can possibly do well on your PHD with all this emotional turmoil. The only way you can change anything is to actually make moves to change your behavior. You've done the same thing with each guy, and the cycle will only continue unless you break the cycle and do something different.

You deserve to be happy, but clearly you aren't, and I don't see you being happy with either of these guys, at least not for now. Break up with both of them, move out of that house if it's so toxic that you can't keep yourself away from John, and refocus your energy back into your own life.

[hBetty]

i'm in the same situation as you r in & as i've been advised by some members here, i decided not to be in any relationship right now. but i get it it ain't easy cuz even though both these guys know m pretty much messed up ,they just can't keep away can't they? they're probably those kinda guys who find 'us' kinda intriguing or something.... lol !
i remember this guy even saying 'i don't like the simple,dull & boring but complicated-yummy!
so its okay, don't be too hard on urself, we all do dumb things...with time things will get better !

[bloodtippedrose]

When you want to be with someone, really want to be with them, then nothing can get in your way. Right now you're sort of feeling "meh" for these people, telling yourself it could work.. but not really really feeling it. Stop trying to settle for people that aren't quite right. Dino is a cheating asshole, good riddance, Alex is a nice guy but you guys are not on the same page and all you're doing is stringing him along, John is young and too clingy which will turn into jealousy and who wants a relationship like that? Just cuz you live together does not mean you have to date each other. I whole-heartedly agree with melancholia, you need to dump both of these guys and distance yourself COMPLETELY. You cannot love someone else before truly knowing and loving yourself. After you get your PhD you're probably going to end up meeting someone in your same field, that shares the same passion as you and works the same weird sort of hours and lifestyle. Cut these poor boys loose so they can find someone that will be 100% committed to them.