Am I subconsciously nervous with intimacy? Or is this normal?

[shepard.stewart]

I am a very, very outgoing person. I am known to make even shy people feel comfortable. In most cases, I can talk to anyone (regardless of how long I've known them) for long periods of time.

This does not appear to be the case in more intimate settings. I am in my early 20s and haven't been in many intimate relationships (always expected to find the right partner after one or two relationship attempts, and I still think that might be the case).

Anyways, I do like someone currently (we're not currently dating). Talk to her fine over long texts, etc ... but in person, my head often kind of shuts off with topics to talk about. Not that I'm completely silent, but it's kind of awkward with pauses and forced talking points. I DO NOT feel nervous/uncomfortable around her in person (at all! I think we're very, very similar..I've never actually met a male or female so similar to myself), but I'm assuming this has to be some form of subconscious nervousness. Why else would I not be talking as much?

We had to take a long 3-4 hour drive and weren't talking a ton in the car. We both then had some drinks in early PM and proceeded to take all night until about 5am.

Anyways, given that I have been in very, very few intimate relationships, I can't gauge how normal/abnormal this is. Is it something that will just get better with time? Is it something that I actually need to work on by myself?

All thoughts appreciated. Thank you!

[TheEvilJester]

Yes, it is very normal. You can be the shyest person in the word *COUGH*Me*COUGH* or you can be the most out-going, talkative, friendly person in the world.... but it is a world of difference when you are talking to somebody who interests you romantically. You could be Han Solo, Bruce Campbell, Duan Jaun, Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson all rolled into one, but the minute you are around your crush, you're Screech from Saved by the Bell. LOL!

So, believe me, you are not alone. And, yeah, I think you hit the nail on the head. It is something that will get easier with time/practice. The good news here is that you've already proven that once you do push through the initial awkwardness, you actually can hold up a very involved conversation with her. You have no problem chatting her up at length while texting, so if it helps just think of it like that. Think what you might text her if you were having this conversation via text instead of face to face, and just talk about the same things.

Furthermore, you mention when you both had some drinks you were able to chat non-stop. Drinks are quite the social lubricant, so again, that tells me that you do have things to talk about with her, but are likely just a little extra nervous around her. You may not even realize it. Sometimes it is sort of subconscious. The more you talk to her and get comfortable, the more you should feel at ease with her. If you want, you should even just go ahead and ask her out on an actual date. Again, really, practice makes perfect in a situation like this.

Heck, even if things never really progress with this gal, the experience would at least help you when your next crush/romantic interest comes along. Hopefully, though, you are able to become closer to her. Good luck to you!

[melancholia]

I think it's normal, especially given your age and lack of relationship experience. However, it sounds more like you are afraid to be vulnerable, rather than nervous to be intimate with this person. You said so yourself that you are confident and outgoing, so you are probably holding onto your pride too tightly. What kind of conversations have you had with this person? It's possible that you two are very different people, with not a lot of common ground to talk about. That can happen, and it doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. It could mean that you need to be more open to other ideas and topics to keep the conversation flowing. Are you more inclined to ask questions, or answer questions? Maybe next time you know you will be hanging out with her, prepare some questions, or topics, that you can bring up in conversation with her. That way you won't trip over your thoughts when you try to talk to her.

[shepard.stewart]

I think it's normal, especially given your age and lack of relationship experience. However, it sounds more like you are afraid to be vulnerable, rather than nervous to be intimate with this person. You said so yourself that you are confident and outgoing, so you are probably holding onto your pride too tightly. What kind of conversations have you had with this person? It's possible that you two are very different people, with not a lot of common ground to talk about. That can happen, and it doesn't necessarily mean it's a bad thing. It could mean that you need to be more open to other ideas and topics to keep the conversation flowing. Are you more inclined to ask questions, or answer questions? Maybe next time you know you will be hanging out with her, prepare some questions, or topics, that you can bring up in conversation with her. That way you won't trip over your thoughts when you try to talk to her.

Thanks so much for the reply. I would have no problem with that being the reason, it's just that I feel like I've seen a recurring pattern in situations like this. I will definitely heed to your advice though. Thanks!

[melancholia]

So you've felt this way before, in experiences with different women? Maybe you just need to practice talking to women. And I don't necessarily mean in a romantic way, but just striking up conversation and trying to engage in dynamic conversation topics. It's good for your self esteem, your brain, and your confidence. Don't forget to have fun though! If you're not having fun, you may be trying to talk to the wrong person.

[shepard.stewart]

So you've felt this way before, in experiences with different women? Maybe you just need to practice talking to women. And I don't necessarily mean in a romantic way, but just striking up conversation and trying to engage in dynamic conversation topics. It's good for your self esteem, your brain, and your confidence. Don't forget to have fun though! If you're not having fun, you may be trying to talk to the wrong person.

I talk to women all the time and have a good/fun time just as I do with the same sex. It's when it gets to the next step that I fumble a bit. And I think I'm making it sound worse than it is, but it's still fumbling to some degree. But I think you might be right, practice is what will cure this. Haven't been in settings like this too many times, so might just be (subconsciously) uncomfortable.

[melancholia]

Practice makes perfect for sure. Women usually are good at conversing with men because (usually) men come to us, and we just have to respond. Sure, there are bold women out there who have no problem initiating conversation, or the next step (*raises hand*); but those women usually get to that place by testing the waters and practicing. The fear of rejection is huge for a lot of people, so if you go into these things with low expectations, it may take some pressure off. I don't mean low expectations as a negative way of thinking, I just mean go into these situations without expectations of things going anywhere. The only expectation you should have is to enjoy yourself, enjoy the conversation, and enjoy the company of the person you're with. When you're with someone you click with, things progress naturally, and it won't feel awkward to move from basic conversation into more intimate territory.

Have fun! Enjoy yourself and meeting new people. Best of luck to you!