Did she even like me? can I start over?

[safehead]

ave a lot of info, I've gone elsewhere for help, but wanted to see what folks here had to say. I felt like I lost someone special. sorry about the length, but I think most of this is important. I keeping running this stuff through my head over and over... any input is greatly appreciated.


I was her 4th long term bf. her first bf was in early HS, she had to be homeschooled for a year after the break up, she developed an eating disorder around this time. I don't know much about the details on why they broke up.

her second bf she met late in HS senior year when she stopped doing home school, the relationship lasted into her early twenties about 5 years. this guy i think is the template for all her future mates. really extroverted aggressive dude. I sort of felt like she was pushing me to being more like him, though i never really asked and kinda stopped caring about him specifically. he left her for another girl i think out of resentment, he's still with the new girl, but that new relationship seems tumultuous as ever. my now ex was hurt bad by his leaving, relapsed into her eating disorder. he came back to my now ex saying he "would take her back if things don't work out with me and my new gf" my now ex told him she wouldn't take him back. they sort of keep in contact really lightly despite everything. it bothers me a little...

Her ex [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3]#3[/URL] has a meth addiction. my now ex said she didn't know of it until about a year into their 3 year relationship. he was emotionally abusive and she think he cheated on her. Guess he came from a pretty broken home. she gave him the choice: her or the meth. he tried to give up meth, but she found out he was still using and left.

there was me a year after she left ex [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3]#3[/URL] . early on i felt like I could make her happy by being more like what she wants in a man. I'm so introverted but her ideal mate isn't . I stepped out of my comfort zone so much to make her happy. I drove her everywhere, bought her everything, took her out to things I'd never go to, picked up some of her hobbies and interests. I didn't mind any of it, i was in love. still there was this feeling like she didn't really like me for me. i was in the shadow of one of her previous lovers. I sort of addressed it in month 3 of our relationship. told her it "feels like you want me to be someone else." she responded with "I know what I want and I thought you could give me that." I reassured her that I can because I wanted to be with her.

I continued trying my best, but she seemed so sentimental, like she wasn't completely over her previous relationships, like she was still hurting.

6 months in the relationship she came forward about something that happened between her and her ex [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=3]#3[/URL] while we were dating. she was visiting him to see how he was doing( I didn’t know about any of this), said her ex looked worse than ever, still using meth and in an emotional state stuff ended up happening between the two of them. she told me a couple days after it happened; apologized, said she felt terrible, wanted us to grow together, there’s no one she loves more than me. etc.. but she also insisted that if I couldn’t truly forgive her than I shouldn’t be with her. I was upset. disgusted, repulsed but i forgave her because at that time I wanted nothing more than to be with her. I NEVER brought it up ever after that, but I don't think I really got proper closure from it, so in my head the event reinforced this idea that I’m not ideal for her.


she wrecked her car in month 7, so I became her main mode of transportation, to work, when we went out, when she had errands. I started to get frustrated around this point. I hated driving to work and all this extra stuff was not helping. I started to become more resentful too, I withdrew, spent less freee time with her, and was generally less patient. whenever we fought t seemed like she would just dominate, i didn't feel like I could reason with her, so i never really addressed what's really bothering me...I would do anything and everything for her if the assurance that she loved me was there. she said she loved me, but didn't do much to show it. She has a narrow minded view of how I should act(not like myself, like someone else) and if I deviated she would really berate me. She claimed to love me, but I wasn't getting much empathy, compassion, understanding, consideration.


the resentment grew so i saw my therapist. he said I'm making all the accommodations and she's not making any. I can continue this but for the relationship to last 1. it's gonna be more work for me (as exhausted as I already was) 2. she gotta be putting the work in too either of these conditions aren't being met, then it's pointless.

I was thinking about this a lot in our last months together. I got so depressed, didn't know what to do. I wish I had talked to her about it. eventually it ended in month 12

we broke up when i went alone to visit my mom to sort out some tax stuff. While working on paperwork I texted her good night, she replied gn, later that evening my gf tried contacting me, she knew where I was and what I was doing. I missed her call because my old ass phone sometimes forwards calls to voicemail automatically with no notification. when I got into contact with her the next day she kept accusing me of forwarding her calls on purpose, was mad that I didn't tell her I'd be staying over at my moms the entire night, sort of insinuated that I was up to something else, and She wanted to know what was wrong. I told her, I didn’t forward those calls and the reason I’ve been so distant is because “I feel like I’m carrying all the weight in the relationship, I’ve rearranged my life around you, but you haven’t done the same.” I asked her if that made sense, she said “it sounds like you don’t want a relationship.” and then I said “you’re right” out of frustration. I apologized for not being more clear about all my feelings, she then proceeded to call me judgmental and continued to accuse me of forwarding her calls, it hurt. I got so mad. I ended it there. Her response was "you know you're never going to see me again right?."

the next day she texted me apologetic, saying she cares too much about me to push me aside, she understands how I feel, she said she hopes I find happiness in life and that the year we spent together was amazing in her opinion. I responded with “I’m sorry, you’re wonderful, beautiful and I wish you the very best, goodbye” and her response to that was “you really were the man of my dreams”

I moved out of the area we lived immediately after this. she lost her main mode of transportation and support. I was so angry at that time and in the following months. more recently I've cooled off and I'm starting to think I didn't really give her chance to fix the situation. she seemed aloof to my dilemma. I shut her out, and now I don't know if she would have tried to actually work something out.

It's like she would constantly think the worst of me when I was trying doing everything I can to help her. I miss her, I sincerely liked her, but the whole relationship dynamic seemed unhealthy. Maybe I should have helped her more since she was someone I loved dearly. We've been on no contact for 5 months, and that fact that I haven't heard from her, sort of confirms all those negative feelings I was having. Then again I was the one that initiated the break up...the burdens more on me. I don't think I will ever break no contact, but sometimes I wish I could try and start over with her,. I can't stop thinking about all of it, and it makes me depressed that I'll not see her again. I doubt she would even respond to me if I tried. what do you all think? I've went back on dating sites after month 3 of no contact, hated it, kept playing the comparison game, deactivated everything, I don't know how that looks to her if she even came across me. Would it be hopeless to reach out to her? She doesn't really let things go...

[gr8love]

I found 1 sentence rly interesting : I know what I want and I thought you could give me that." I reassured her that I can because I wanted to be with her.

There is the problem. YOU CHANGE FOR HER AND BECOME THE PERSON SHE WANTS !!! Girls want men that know what theyself want and they rly like personalities. The only thing that is missing is YOU BEING THE MEN IN THE RELATIONSHIP. You can be yourself and have some special character traits but you have to IDENTIFY with that. If you are introverted you have to grow your SELF-ESTEEM so that you are comfortable with that. Never change your personality because SHE wants it. Change it because YOU want to be less introverted but remember that it is okay that you are like that. And If you want to get her back, than with self esteem. Show her that you are how you are and you are happy with it, even if it is not ''perfect'' And start loveing YOURSELF, than she will be much more attracted. She will test your new confidence if she is with you but you have to be consistent. So i would try it like this and even IF it doesnt work , you know for sure that it is better to stop it.