I'm so confused...

[seechell]

Hi, I've been with my boyfriend now for 16 months. We love each other and when we got together we had a strong connection. I'm 45 and he's 32 and we live together. I have recently found out that I can no longer have children but before that we were trying. It has broken my heart even though I knew maybe it was too late for me. I know he wants kids and I feel bad. I said to him he can go because I felt selfish. He said he loves me and doesn't want to leave. He has before now punched doors and walls when he has been angry and tired which I'm obviously not happy with. He also ignores me a lot and doesn't want to go out alone that much with me anymore. I'm not an old 45 year old and I keep myself fit. I feel like I'm an embarrassment and he looks at other girls when were out. He thinks more of his friends I feel. I used to feel so special. The thing is we are also tied together financially at the moment too. Am I just a convenience now?

[TheEvilJester]

It is a little hard for any of us to comment on that based on the little you've shared. If you are willing to, further details could help us speculate more accurately. However, I will say this.... You do have a right to be concerned. For one thing, it is concerning that he is unable to control his anger. Sure, he's punching doors and walls, but how exactly are you to trust that won't some day be you or your kids if you were to have them? Maybe he'd never do something like that, but being unable to control your anger IS something that can escalate and get worse over time. It may never get any worse with him than attacking inanimate objects.... but you don't know that.

You also shouldn't have to feel ignored in your own relationship. You shouldn't feel like your fella is embarrassed of you either. Now, it is entirely different if you feel like he's embarrassed of you.... but being fair that is really because of your OWN insecurities and he's really never given you a reason to feel he is. Believe me, I understand having self doubt even at times when there is NO reason to have doubt in the first place. I'm my own worst enemy. But, if he actually IS doing things that cause you to feel this way... then that IS a problem.

Have you tried talking to him about all this? And by that, I mean actually having a civil, sit down conversation? Sometimes things gets heated and two people may have an argument in the heat of the moment, but that isn't really the same thing as actually talking about it, if you get what I mean. You can have conversations about these sort of things in the heat of the moment when things get heated, but often times that doesn't fix anything. Emotions are too raised at times like that. Best to talk when cooler heads have prevailed and, rather than blaming or pointing fingers, you can both talk with "I feel" type of statements instead of it seeming like you are intending to blame/attack each other.

As far as kids go, I am so sorry to hear your bad news. However, have you two discussed the possibility of adoption? I understand in an ideal world you'd like to have a child together, but if that is no longer an option, how would you both feel about adopting instead? Where is the harm in loving a child that is already in this world? Maybe that wouldn't work for you, and if not that is fine, but it is at least an option to consider.

Good luck to you either way. Not an easy road ahead of you, so I sincerely wish you the best in finding your way through it.

[seechell]

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me EvilJester. I know I haven't parted with a lot of information, I apologise for that. We don't argue as such because I'm a laid back person and hate confrontation. My boyfriend goes off on one when he's tired or doesn't like something I've done or said. I see your point when stating that things could escalate and thinking about it sensibly, I don't think that he's mature enough to have kids, not yet anyway. Maybe it's a blessing in disguise hey?

I would like to explain about the issue of feeling ignored....when we're out with friends, he's in a band for instance; the other evening for example, we were at a gig and he made fun of me with one of our young female friends and he got a bit embarrassed to kiss me in front of others. Yes, some of it is insecurities but I've never had them in previous relationships.

We have had quiet talks about the way I feel, to do with the baby thing and him being embarrassed of me. He just says comforting things to put my mind at rest but I don't believe he's telling the truth...call it intuition. Thank you for mentioning adoption, that's one of the things the fertility doctor mentioned. I think that maybe could be an option for me with or without my partner in the future.

My intuition tells me this relationship isn't to be although I do love him. Let's see what happens, I'm a great believer in fate and following what you feel inside. Thank you again.

[TheEvilJester]

It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and I think you have the right attitude here. There's no harm in giving things a chance and seeing if they can work out just as long as you also care enough about yourself to have a breaking point where enough is enough if things do not improve. Sounds like you are on track for that, so good for you.

I will just add this...

What you describe about his making you feel "ignored" or "embarrassed of you" does NOT sound to me like your insecurities. It sounds to me like him giving you damn good reasons to feel the way you do. I know how that feels from experience. My story isn't exactly the same as yours.... but similar. My ex used to make me feel very unappreciated and ignored. That was in many aspects but, like you, when we were out with friends together was a good example. When we were hanging out in a group with shared friends, I always made the effort to include her and everybody in the group. In other words, because we were there together, my attitude was I was hanging out with my friends.... AND my gal.

On the other hand, she basically acted like I wasn't there. The only thing I can say in her defense is I don't think she did it intentionally.... but that doesn't make it okay in the slightest. EVERYBODY else we were hanging out with would make me feel included. With her, it was like I might as well have not been there. We'd have joint conversations with friends and they'd all be engaging with me and talking to me... as well as everybody else in the group. With my ex, she'd ignore or not even hear anything I said.

God, when I think back to that relationship I can't help but be baffled at how it could have possibly taken me so long to see I deserved so much better.

I may be overreacting based on my own past, but I see some of that in what you describe about how your fella treats you. It does sound to me like he's given you reason to feel ignored, not that you are just projecting that. If I am right in that perception, then you certainly deserve better. You deserve somebody who will make you happy. If that isn't/can't be him, then maybe that is your reason to end things. If it could be him, then maybe that is your excuse to talk this stuff out with him and hope you two can work on it. Anyway, again only you can really know for sure. So, I wish you the best in figuring out what you think is right for you. I hope that, whatever you decide, it goes well for you.