In love with a guy who isn't inlove with me yet?

[VariousMatters]

I've been talking to this guy for almost a year now and it's been flirty and viby from the get go. We have also grown emotionally very close and it's no secret that we cross the friendship line. He stays 3 hours away from me so it makes things difficult but we talk every single day. He gets along with my parents, actually the whole family and we share values interests and a sense of humor.

I've fallen for him very hard and the thing is he started noticing it. He told me that he feels that I'm deeper in than he is, he says he owes it to me to be honest because he cares for me. When I asked him if he doesn't see any potential he replied by saying that he didn't say he has no feelings he is just saying that mine are further along. He said that his heart isn't ready to take the next step yet and he wants it to be and he's been trying so hard because everything is perfect.

I think he started doubting when I started seeking validation (in an indirect way that I didn't even notice) and now he says he doesn't want to hurt me,but I would rather get hurt than to never know? He says it might turn into everything or it might not go anywhere completely solid and he doesn't want me ever to feel blindsided.

Any thoughts on how to handle this?

[TheEvilJester]

Well, honestly I think that really depends on you. Sometimes one person does fall faster than the other. That can't be helped. ...BUT... do you think you can be okay with waiting a little while and seeing how things go? In other words, if you allow things to continue to move at his pace, can you be okay with that? Or, would you just get increasingly more and more impatient and feel more and more insecure?

I only ask because there isn't necessarily any right or wrong here. If you feel you need somebody who is more ready to commit, that does not make you wrong. Yet, at the same time, if he's not ready to fall that hard for somebody yet, that doesn't make him wrong either. Now, if you two seem close enough in that regard that it is worth continuing to see where things go, then it may be worth sticking to it. However, if you are too far apart, then that is probably just going to cause you both pain down the road, and eventually end things anyway.

You say you've been talking for almost a year.... but how long have you two actively been dating? If it's not been all that long, then he may just not be the type who falls deeply so quickly. So, IF that is the case, and you feel you would be okay with taking things slowly for a little while, then maybe you give him time. ....BUT, even if you do, there does need to be some sort of time frame in your mind. Some time by which if he still has no more solid grip on his feelings that you decide you just need to move on.

Again, if he decides he's not ready for a serious relationship yet, that is fine for him.... but if it isn't fine for you, it would be wrong of him (and wrong of you to do to yourself) to expect you to just wait around hoping he changes his mind. So, again, have some sort of reasonable time frame in your own mind. I'm not saying you give him an ultimatum like (If we aren't more serious after X months, I'm leaving). I'm just saying, if you can see waiting it out, you just tell him something along the lines of... "I'm perfectly fine with us just seeing how things go for now, but I do have to be honest that I am eventually looking for something serious. That doesn't necessarily have to be now, or tomorrow, or the next day, but I don't necessarily want to just 'see how things go' forever."

Good luck to you.