Help me please! I'm desperate :(

[dana9021]

Hey everybody. I would greatly appreciate your advice to my story a I’m really desperate. I will try to keep it short. So six months ago, I met this guy. He is 40 and I’m 27 years old, I know the age gap is big, but we are really compatible on every level. He told me he was married for 8 years but had been separated from his wife for a few months now. That was fine as we started off as friends, but we both developed feelings for each other. We both live away from our home countries, and his ex with whim he didn’t finalize the divorce yet lives in the same country as us, but in a different city. When he told me the story of why they broke up, I felt sorry for him. She made his life miserable for 8 years, always screaming and swearing at him, blackmailing him into doing whatever she wants, always putting her family first, and basically every bad thing you might think off.

I know you might say he may be lying to me, and this is just a story of an older married guy tricking a younger girl into becoming his lover, but I know for a fact that she is a bitch, as me and him live together, and he is always letting me read her e-mails to him and I can always hear her screaming at him on the phone. They have two girls, 6 and 7, that is why they have to communicate. Also, she took him to court and sued him for divorce and child support although he was fully supporting his daughters. She has also been to his place of work a few times and made a huge scene there and with his boss, she is a nut case.
Anyways, goes without saying that he swore to never go back to her, as he not only never loved her, but she made his life miserable before the separation, and became even crazier and angrier after. As for us, I know for a fact that he love me very much, and I do love him. We are both here in a foreign country on our own, he is having some financial problems, but I swore to never leave his side, and he is fully supporting me, financially and otherwise as much as he can, until I get a job. We have fun together, he is truly loyal, and always comes to me for advice and whenever he is having any problems, so we are basically best friends.

We have been together for 6 month now, of which 4 we have lived together. We discussed marriage, and I told him I’m not in a hurry to get married, and I’m just happy to live one day at a time. He said he was relieved as he is not able to get married now because he doesn’t know when he can get married again because of the whole thing with his ex, and that he has no intention of leaving me and wishes we could get married, but we both need to accept the fact that both our lives are hectic now, and it might never happen for us.

Things were ok until a couple of days ago when he went to pick up his daughters from her house, to get some school stuff. After dropping them off, she insisted to speak to him. She got into his car and explained to him that she dropped off the charges, still loved him and that she wanted to get back together. That came from a woman who just the other day was screaming and swearing at him, and stalking him at his place of work and demanding divorce. He came home and told me what happened. We laughed of course as I knew for a fact that he hated her and would never live under the same roof with her again. When we discussed it further that night however, he told me that he didn’t know what to do, and that although he hated her, if she changes, he would still sacrifice me, his job, his family and everything on earth just for his kids to live with their parents. Needless to say these words hurt me to the core, I was in shock. He explained how much he loved his daughters, and that he would rather stay miserable than have them come out of a broken home.

Long story short, now he is having doubts and thinking about getting back only for his kids. We haven’t spoken much in the last two days, and I’m avoiding him in the apartment as much as possible. We agreed to take it one day at a time, and we don’t have our future fully planned, and that is ok with me. But I told him if he gets back with her, that is the end for us, we cannot even be friends. He said he was really confused and that he didn’t want me to give up on him and that he cannot imagine his life without me. I’m really disappointed in him, how can he think of getting back with such a person, in my eyes now, he has no dignity, pride, or self worth. And I discovered his mind could easily be changed, and that is not a good quality.

So now I don’t know what is the right thing to do, break up with him just because there is a slight chance he might actually get back with her and be miserable, or stay. I thought about talking to him and tell him that I wanted a break, so we both can figure things out, but I don’t know how we can do that when we both live together. And given that I have no where to go and I don’t know anybody in this country. I really love him, and I know he does too. He is the best person I have ever met, and I don’t wanna lose him. I don’t wanna give up on him and he begged me not to. What should I do? Any advice would be appreciate, but no negative comments please, im already devastated. Thanks all for reading!

[dontaskme]

How did you get into this country? Why do you have to depend on him? Don't you work?

[TheEvilJester]

If leaving him winds up being what you need to do for you, please do not let financial situations or things like that be the deciding factor that causes you to be stuck in an unhappy relationship. You will wind up back on your feet at some point. Could you go back home? Maybe temporarily live with family until you can sort your life out? Bottom line, IF you come to the conclusion that you are better off without him, please do not stay with him just because you rely on him financially/for a place to live, etc. You can figure that stuff out somehow.

Now, as for my thoughts on whether or not you stay with him...

That does have to be your decision. So, I can't really tell you what to do, all I can do is tell you what I think I would do if I were in your situation. Divorce can be a rough situation... as can be the end of any relationship. It was wrong of him to enter into a relationship with you while all of this was still going on. He should have waited until things were finalized and had settled down. THIS is exactly the sort of reason why. He was so sure he was done with her that he started dating you... then all of a sudden she comes crawling back and he's ready to cast you aside like you mean nothing and take her back.

And, I have to be honest.... I don't really think that was ever his intention. I don't think he meant to enter into a relationship with you only to toss you aside.... but if he goes back to her that is the end result all the same. That doesn't make it hurt you any less.

So, what I would personally do if I were you would be to end things. Not necessarily with the intention being it is definitely permanent. More so, I think I'd say something like this....

"Look, I really have enjoyed our time together and would have liked to continue that and see if maybe we had really had something. But, I can't wait around for somebody just hoping that they will pick me over somebody else. If you want to see if you can make it work with your ex, I can't get in the middle of that. You need to deal with that and decide what you want. If you decide you are done with her once and for all, then maybe you and I can try again at that point, but not before."

Don't wait around for him just hoping that he'll come to his senses. You deserve better than that. Me personally, I can't help but wonder if he's gone frigging insane. He hates this woman, she's done nothing but make him miserable.... why the HELL would he allow himself to live like that again? Apparently he thinks that is better for the kids, but that is complete bull crap. Kids are much better off with two happy parents who happen to be divorced rather than two parents who HATE each other and are miserable.... but at least they are together.

But, that is HIS mistake to make. Not yours. If he wants to make it, let him make it. He should see how much better you are for him and not want to risk losing that. If he is too stupid to see how colossally moronic a decision it would be for him to leave you to go back to her, then maybe he never deserved you from the start. Though, again, honestly he should have allowed himself the time to heal from that relationship and move on before he entered into a relationship with ANYBODY.

Good luck to you. Maybe he'll end things with her once and for all, and maybe at that point you will also still be single. If so, then feel free to try again if you want. However, I honestly wouldn't blame you if even then you did not want to bother. I know that isn't really the advice you were wanting to hear, but you don't deserve to be basically waiting around hoping that somebody will pick you over their obviously wrong for them ex. You deserve better than that.

[dana9021]

Thank you so much for your reply. So, I would never let my financial situation be an obstacle here. Let me explain to you what happened later, I would appreciate your reply in order to make my final decision.

When we first met, we immediately realized we needed each other desperately, emotionally not financially. He told me he was divorced as well, but his divorce was not finalized yet. That was ok with me, as long as I made sure that he didn't live with her, had any feelings for her, or any intentions of going back. Maybe I was wrong dating him when the divorce was not finalized yet like you said, but we all make mistakes, don't we? I cannot back out now, being in love with him.

His wife sued him and demanded divorce and child support, and he was relieved that she is also asking for divorce now, and I was relieved as well as I confirmed to myself that there wasn't gonna be a future for them, and he would usually share with me everything she sends him and says to him, not because out of mistrust, but because he considers me his best friend and secret keeper. So when she told him few days ago that she doesn't want a divorce anymore, he said that he started having second thoughts, not about her (as he told me before we even liked each other and before he was trying to date me that he never loved her and it was an arranged marriage. He only knew her 1 month before they got married). And I'm not sure if she even loves him, this woman did everything for 8 years to push him away, she would always scream at him, push their daughters away from him, she was very selfish and always chose her career and parents before him, she kicked him out of the house, filed for divorce, is always calling him names and swearing at him, and making big scenes at his place of work, to the extent he was gonna get fired, she called the police on him. I can go on and on, but you get the picture.

Two days ago, after I made the first post, we talked. He said that he loved me, but he didn't wanna promise me with anything and not deliver. He said it's better to be brutally honest that lie to me. I know he is a good guy, and if it weren't for this issue, we would be living a perfect life and that good guys are hard to find these days. He said that it is completely up to me to decide what I want to do, whether I wanna leave him, stay or become friends, but assured me that he loved me, and didn't wanna influence me decision any other way. when were talking, I cried infront of him for the first time, I could see he was really hurt, and hugged me for an hour, until i stopped crying. He said nothing has changed and that I should seperate our relatopnship from theirs

I tried to talk him out of getting back, and so is everyone, even his family are fighting with him at the moment cause he is rethinking. But he is saying that it hurts him and that he is only thinking about his daughters. This guy didn't easily give up on his marriage, he has been miserable for 8 years, humiliated by her, and tried to take a break many times, and tried talking with her, but she is refusing to change.

Yesterday however, he came home from work and told me he will sleep for a bit then go to see the daughters and sleep over there (they live in a city, one hour away from ours) instead of driving all the way there, pick them up, stay with us here then drive them back the next day. Also, because they don't know their dad has a new girlfriend, so I usually stay in another room while they are here, which is inconvenient, but I absolutely understand.

When he told me he was going to stay over there (his daughter's and ex's house) I was shocked and told him why would he go over there, to the house he was kicked out from. He explained that his ex is travelling at the moment (he isn't lying, he told me about that even before we started fighting) and that she won't be there. I was still upset and told him this is usually how it starts, you go over there when she isn't in the house, then you start going when she is there. He said it wasn't like that at all, and then he called me by her name by mistake! That was enough to send me to another world, I completely tuned him out after that, and refused to speak a word. I'm not sure what that meant (saying her name by mistake instead of mine) does it mean he loves her?

He then kept on saying that this situation is better fixed amicably between them, instead of going to court, that he is not saying that he is going back, that he is only considering it, and I shouldn't take that as a way for me to leave so that he would be with her. He said that I'm the one who wants to break up. And finally that he would never choose me or his ex before his daughters. I didn't say a word to that, I was really hurt so I put on some clothes and left the apartment. When I was back, he was gone. He slept over there like he said.

So now I'm preparing to leave, I will be packing in a few hours and hopefully gone before he is here. This is tearing me apart though, and I'm not sure if it is the right thing to do or if I'm over -reacting. He said more than once, he doesn't wanna go back, but he might consider it for the sake of the kids, that he is only thinking, and that doesn't mean we should end things. I love him very much, and I don't even know where I can stay after I leave, but someone offered to take me for a day, after that I don't know where I would go. Like i said i dont have any family or friends here.

I know he loves me dearly, and it kills him to see me upset. It is hard enough to walk away from a relationship, but a million time harder to walk away from one where the two parties are still in love, and things aren't completely messy.

What do I do? please!

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, nothing you said made me change my opinion even in the slightest. I wish I could say it did. Again, at the end of the day it has to be your decision. I can't tell you, and nor can any of us tell you what to do. We can only offer our own personal thoughts.

For the sake of discussion, I am going to pretend his intentions have always been and still remain 100% honest and pure. That he honestly did fall in love with you and honestly never did intend to do something like this to you. (Honestly, I hope that IS true, and it is certainly possible it is).

That still doesn't change the fact that you do not deserve that. You do not deserve to be waiting around just hoping this guy is going to choose you over ANYBODY.... much less somebody who is so ridiculously wrong and bad for him that he must be INSANE for even considering it. Honestly, I'd question his judgment that he'd even, for a second, think that is a good idea. Even if he really is considering it FOR HIS KIDS... that is still about the most flawed thought process you can possible have in a situation like this. Why in the world would you think being stuck with somebody you HATE who makes you absolutely miserable would be better for the kids? Having divorced parents isn't easy.... but if the two learn to be friendly to each other, then the kids are SO much better off with that rather than two parents who are together but are absolutely miserable.

Again, though, you can offer him your thoughts and your advice on the situation, but that is his mistake to make or to not make. You can't make it for him. So, again, if you are asking my personal opinion, it would be that you should step away from this relationship for now. Like I said before, it doesn't have to be with the intention that it is DEFINITELY permanent.... but there should at least be the possibility in your mind that it will be. However, you can step away from the relationship thinking, in your mind, that you will give him time to sort out things with his ex and then you two can revisit things if he ultimately decides not to get back with her.

You deserve to be valued enough that your fella would never dream of losing you. If I were you, I would be extremely insulted that he is considering leaving me for somebody who treated him like garbage for 8 years. The fact that he could possibly decide to leave you, somebody he claims to love so very much, only to go back to somebody he HATES.... that makes me question his judgment as a human being and I personally don't think I could ever trust him if I were you.

Not to mention, MAYBE he is being 100% honest with you.... but the fact is if he were just a scumbag who has been using you the whole time with no intention of ever actually leaving his wife, he'd be saying pretty much exactly the same things to you. I don't necessarily think he is/ever was just trying to use you.... but I could be wrong, and either way if he leaves you the end result is the same anyway.

He needs time to deal with ending his relationship with his ex. He never took that and unfortunately jumped into a relationship when apparently he wasn't really ready. I'm sure he didn't mean to do that, but that is what happened. Hopefully he comes to his senses.... but you shouldn't just allow yourself to be held in limbo hoping that will happen. You deserve better than that.

Good luck to you.