Stupid feelings?

[Tmcdonald33]

Just over a week ago i started talking to this girl via online dating. We hit it off instantly and after talking for about 3 days we arranged to get together on saturday(literally the saturday that just passed). She lives about a 40 minute drive away but i don't drive so i took a 3 hour bus ride. Yes I'm possibly crazy. So anyways i ended up staying the night there and we just had a fantastic weekend. I didn't regret anything and it was just so amazing.

After the weekend, she won't talk to me the same, not as flirty, i can just tell something is up. I don't wanna straight up ask and seem obsessed but after a bit of talking and throwing in hints she finally hits me with "i just need time, time to think about things and such" What does that even mean? I know she got out of a relationship just over a month ago but we talked about that and she said it was good and that she wanted to do this (meaning us).

There's a ton we can relate to such as the fact that we both have suffered from depression, and other things so the connection is just unreal. And that may be why I've developed such strong feelings for this woman so quickly. Idk. But when she says she just needs time it makes me think about a typical rejection line that basically means I'm going to avoid you until you leave me alone and move on. Because its happened to me before. But at the same time she could legitimately just need time, and i could be over thinking it. I don't know what the hell to do. I am actually scared right now on losing her and missing out on the chance for this to go further because it just feels so right but I'm lost.

[alovetolean]

Hey man I relate! It's all good- it's all normal. Think about this though: if you already feel like shit, is she worth pursuing? The energy you're giving this is very real and it's going away from you. Try to think about this as an object- if you're picking out the best watermelon and your gut tells you x based on the texture, the weight, smell, whatever, what is your gut telling you? You are a worthy man, are you not? Is there more fish in the sea? The feelings you have- are there more to them than just this girl? As in childhood abandonment, rejection issues etc.

I sympathize with you man, not knowing what to do, what does she really mean, you are not alone.

Good work for coming on here and seeking help, good luck.

[Tmcdonald33]

Thank you for your kind words.

I don't have rejection issues or anything i guess i just feel like i won't find anyone around me that ill share the same connection with that i shared with her. It was like a one in a million kind of thing. Its been 3 years since i was serious with someone cause I've never felt a connection with anyone until now.

Also i don't believe I'm afraid of losing her when i think about it. Considering we just started talking last week and met once this weekend. But more so afraid about the loss of potential - as in i truly thought we had a lot of potential to get somewhere far with each other, eventually.

It actually feels similar to heartbreak, difference is i never really had her. I'm so stupid.

[TheEvilJester]

You've only really dated once and barely know each other.... but she's already giving you the "I just need to think about things" line. I definitely agree with alovetolean. I would just suggest you pump the breaks and consider moving on. This early in the relationship, you should both be super excited and want to see as much of each other as you can. You shouldn't be feeling unimportant.

Is it possible you are imagining problems where there are none and she sincerely does just need to take things slowly because of her past heart-break? Sure, that is entirely possible. If that is the case, then she will make the effort to still see you/date you.... it just may be slower to move forward than it otherwise would.

So, don't go chasing her. If it makes you feel better, maybe try for a little while to keep pursuing her to see if maybe she is still interested, but just at her own pace..... But don't wait around forever. At some point, you would be best to have a breaking point where it just isn't enough for you. Heck, even if she IS sincere about wanting to date you, but her pace just does not match yours at all, you would not be wrong to end it.

Frankly, if I were you, I'd personally stop bothering with her right now..... but I've grown a little cynical and un-trusting, so I'd understand if maybe you wish to exhibit a little more patience. So, no harm in giving her some time in hopes that is sincerely all she needs.... but have a point where you will realize it just isn't working for you.

Good luck.

[alovetolean]

Why do you feel like you won't find anyone around...?

Why do you say you are stupid?

[Tmcdonald33]

I think i am just going to move on. Thing is, Theeviljester, is that i am the one who is super excited and wants to see as much of each other as possible, but she doesn't seem to give a crap about anything, and the longer i go on doing this, the more I'm just feeling like I'm being desperate and annoying.

Its very frustrating because that's not who i am or who i intend to be. Like i said i just seen potential but i guess my judgment was clouded.

Thank you both again for your advice.

[TheEvilJester]

Believe me, I know just how you feel. I've been there myself where, friend or more than friend, I've felt like I really wanted to spend more time with somebody and it feels like all they can do is pull away. Honestly, in a situation like that, it is just so much better to realize that if a person can't be bothered to give you their time, then they probably didn't deserve yours anyway in the first place.

There's NOTHING wrong with you for being excited to see her and get to know her better. It's just, now you are seeing that maybe she's not the right one for you after all since she can't even be bothered to care. So, I think you are on the right track now. Don't go crazy trying to get her to give you attention. You don't really want HER specifically, you just want what you thought you two could have had. Seems like you are unlikely to find that with her, but you definitely can find it with somebody else.

In time, maybe she'll get herself out of this funk, and for her sake I hope she does. At that point, maybe she'll actually reach back out to you. If so, great. Just, don't wait around for that. You deserve somebody who will be just as excited to see you as you are her.

[melancholia]

Honestly, she's not that into you. It sucks, but the sooner you realize that, the easier it is to move on. People don't say things like that to people they really like. They just don't. That kind of thing only happens to people in movies, and desperate, hopeless romantic folks who live in fantasy land. If someone likes you, they let you know. There's no guessing games, or stupid lines thrown around to ease you into rejection. It's so much better if people would just be straight up and say, "look, I had a good time with you, but I didn't feel the connection with you that I was looking for. Best of luck to you"... that's so much easier to handle than the ambiguous, "I need time/space to sort out my life" blah blah blah. It hurts more because you're left feeling there is some slight chance at hope of something happening down the line, when that's most likely not going to happen. And by the time you realize they're didn't mean what they said and they're never going to reach out to you, you could have spent all that time moving on and finding someone else to date.

I suggest you start focusing on moving forward. There are plenty of people out there who you can connect with, and hopefully they are ready for the same type of relationship you are ready for, and they want to have that with you.

[TheEvilJester]

Agreed. I think sometimes people think they are sparing somebody's feelings by sugar-coating their rejection.... but what they don't realize is that they just wind up hurting the person much more in the long run. By giving some kind of vague response, sort of dangling that carrot of possibility that something could maybe happen down the road, they just keep the other person hanging on to false hope. So, why let somebody do that to you? If she's not ready for a relationship right now, that is fine for her. You ARE, though, so best to move on and find somebody else who is also ready.

If she happens to become ready and actually reconsiders a relationship with you, let that be her problem to reach back out to you and see if you are still interested. Don't wait around for her. You could instead be using that time to meet somebody new. It's not as though I'm saying it NEVER happens. Sure, maybe in time she will feel ready, and maybe she'll happen to be interested in you then. That doesn't usually happen, though, and either way why waste your time waiting for it if it may not?

Good luck.