Why do we lose sight of our goals when we find love?

[alovetolean]

I am tired of feeling alone. So I figured I'd get some insight from you wonderful people! Chime in guys n gals!

Here's my reoccurring dilemma: I know deep down I am destined for a bigger than me goal of some kind, whatever it is it takes quite a bit of energy. But my heart hurts being alone. So I find someone that I enjoy being around, with goals still in mind. I'm cool for a couple months but there comes a point when I really start to like this person and my life goals go out the window to be around this person. Then of course she loses interest because I've become like a woman, too much of the luvyduvy. She pulls away and of course I feel so terrible for falling into my old ways, totally lost sight of myself and my goals.

Childhood conditioning, I have been very bent on proving myself to women, looking for validation. It kills me because the shame is unbearable hearing things like don't be a pussy, be a man, etc. It's very difficult to talk with other men about this, I feel alone. It seems like everyone around has it together and I'm the defective one.

So enough about me, what are your experiences relating to this and what did you learn or learning?

[TheEvilJester]

First off, to those calling you a "p*$$y" or telling you to "be a man..." May the burn in the fiery pits of Hell, and die painfully to get there. ....Okay.... maybe I'm over-reacting just a tad. LOL! But seriously, to Hell with them. Personally, I think it is AWESOME if you are able to care that deeply for a woman. Isn't that what a lot of women want in a guy? A guy who can tap into that romantic side of them and care so deeply for her?

If the women you've been with don't respond well to that, then maybe you've been with the wrong women. I mean, there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. So, if you do get EXCESSIVELY attached, then sure, maybe that is something to work on. It still doesn't make you a bad person.

Now, I think it is natural to sometimes lose yourself in a relationship when it is in the early/exciting stage. The "honeymoon" stage as they say. I think if you've ever been with a woman who appreciate that and treated you the way you deserved, you and her would eventually reach the stage where you two are comfortable together. The end of the honeymoon stage, which SHOULDN'T be a bad thing, but should be when you two really know each other warts and all.... and still love each other for it.

I think when you reach that stage, you'd re-realize your hopes and dreams for yourself and only be even MORE invigorated to pursue them because now they'd be your hopes and dreams for you AND her. It is very important not to lose yourself in any relationship, but I think losing yourself temporarily is likely to happen. You just need to make sure you don't allow that to become permanent.

You are NOT defective and you are NOT alone. I, myself, am something of a romantic. It may be too late for me.... but when I am in a relationship it does mean a great deal to me and I am able to be very romantic, lovey, cuddly, etc. I've learned, though, not to allow myself to be lost in that. If you ask me, that makes a guy MORE manly that he CAN be the super romantic Romeo type of guy.... but still also be a "manly man" when needed.

But, yeah. Men aren't typically going to understand. Bottom line, the best thing you can do for yourself it to allow yourself to enjoy your romantic nature (get a little lost in a relationship, be super lovey, fall hard for the gal).... BUT also learn to always keep your logical side engaged. To eventually reach a balance between the romantic, lovey dovey nature and the sensible guy with life goals. It's not easy, but it CAN be done.

Good luck to you. Go out there and do it, man! I want to live vicariously through you. God knows it is too late for me. LOL!

[breathe123]

If a person loves you, they want you to reach your goals, better yourself so it shouldn't ever be a one or the other ~ should be a hand & hand thing, imo.

[alovetolean]

Well ya I'm a romantic for sure.

But the part that doesn't feel quite right is after 'that' certain point where I really like this person- that's when I lose my sense of internal worth and depend on her for my validation. So in effect she runs my life. Even if she wanted to help me achieve my goals she'd have to do them altogether because I don't care about them, just her and doing things for her.

So even on my best days I have this sense of impending doom "hey buddy you feeling good? Cool and confident? Hey, go get that girl at the coffee shop, she's into you, you know she'd say yes... Oh by the way you're gonna morph into completely worthless in 2 months so enjoy it while it lasts!"

You are NOT defective and you are NOT alone. I, myself, am something of a romantic. It may be too late for me.... but when I am in a relationship it does mean a great deal to me and I am able to be very romantic, lovey, cuddly, etc. I've learned, though, not to allow myself to be lost in that. If you ask me, that makes a guy MORE manly that he CAN be the super romantic Romeo type of guy.... but still also be a "manly man" when needed.

Too late for you? What do you mean? And yes that is where I'd like to be super Romeo but still have a manly sense I can depend on.

Great stuff TheEvilJester!

Scary coincidence! Check out this 1min video about Hugh Jackman, his early life is just my mindset currently!
ww.tonyrobbins.com/stories/are-your-beliefs-holding-you-back/

(Add the first w, I can't post links yet)

[TheEvilJester]

This is your thread, not mine, so I won't bore you or anybody with the details of my dark fate. Suffice it to say, I never really belonged in this world and never will. I could live to be 800 (and with the cruel world we live in, I probably will) and I don't think I'll ever find love. So, for me it is just better to accept my fate and move on.

But, I refuse to believe anybody else should have to suffer that same fate. I do still believe love truly does exist. Maybe not for me, but it DOES exist for those who wish to find it. Again, I think given time you would honestly eventually return to a state of normalcy and again be excited to achieve your goals in life... AS WELL AS your lady's goals and your goals for you both together. Honestly, why would you NOT get super excited the more and more serious a relationship becomes? I think that makes you awesome. I think that is a gift, not a curse.

Believe me, I understand how you feel, that you sort of lose yourself.... but I honestly think anybody SHOULD to some degree "lose themselves" in a good relationship. Why would you not be that excited, at least early on? In time, I'm sure you'd not only find yourself again.... but find an even better you for having found the right match. You've just been with the wrong women and never had the chance to get to that point. You WILL though, some day. For now, I know it isn't easy, but just keep working to find that balance within yourself. To where you can be Mr. Super Romantic but still not feel like you've completely lost yourself to the relationship.

It WILL come. You certainly deserve it if that is what you wish. Life sucks sometimes, but you can't give up or you'll never fight your way back to the good times. And, believe me, they are WORTH fighting for, with every fiber of your being. Good luck, friend!