Having doubts about new relationship

[vgomes]

Hello everybody,

So, this is the deal: I've got a girlfriend. We've met a couple of months ago, been dating for almost 2. I've been single for quite a while, had a relation with a girl a year ago or so but that didn't work (i even post a thread about it here at the time). This one is pretty diferent. She is cute, has a nice sense of humor and i can tell that she is really into me. We go out together, spend time together, i even met some of her best friends and she met mines. All seems pretty good, right? Yeah, but...

...i know nobody is perfect. I don't expect it to be. And she isn't. The thing that scares me the most is her "temper". She is really nice but sometimes she has "mood swings", and sometimes they point at me. And she has said things that hurt me. We had two episodes. I'm not going to quoting them here, i'm trying not to give them too much attention. But they hurt and kept me thinking "is she the one?", "do i really want this?". Despite this, i tried not to over react, we talked, cleared things out and move on.

As i said, I've not been involved in a serious relationship for a while now. Maybe every other relationship has issues also (of course they have, i know!) and i'm just overthinking this. Maybe this is normal, and i should trust on this and keep going...? I'm having doubts about this... better saying, i'm having mixed feelings. Sometimes i feel that i love her so much, but now and then i question myself about us.

Fellow engaged friends, is this normal? I think yes, but i'm a bit confused.

Thank you for your time.

[warriormaiden]

If she is saying things in the heat of the moment to purposely hurt you, that is not a good thing. A person who cares about you, would never strike out at you in such a way. It makes ME think that if she gets really mad at you, she'll go further. This could become a serious problem.

Do you think you can be with someone for the rest of your life who tries to cut you every time she gets pissed at you for something? These are warning signs. You don't have to settle.

[JustAGuy123]

Just ask yourself: Is this what I want to live with the rest of my life, or do I want to find someone who I love and makes me happy?

[vgomes]

If she is saying things in the heat of the moment to purposely hurt you, that is not a good thing. A person who cares about you, would never strike out at you in such a way. It makes ME think that if she gets really mad at you, she'll go further. This could become a serious problem.

Do you think you can be with someone for the rest of your life who tries to cut you every time she gets pissed at you for something? These are warning signs. You don't have to settle.

I don't know if this changes anything or not, but she doesn't said those on purpose to hurt me. Yes she said them in the heat of the moment but they were not mean to hurt me by any means, i know it, we talked about this...

[JustAGuy123]

Okay. Imagine falling in love with this woman. Could you be happy?

Now imagine being married. Could you then?

Now imagine having kids. Would you trust or feel as if your kids are entirely safe?

If you answered no to any of those or even thought about it then don't settle for a woman who isn't compatible with you.

[warriormaiden]

Maybe they weren't INTENTIONAL, but she definitely tried to cut you in some way, because, why say them anyway? Its just going to get worse. I'm sorry. I know you want this. But if she is already flipping her wig in such a broad way, the progression of it is just going to get worse.

[vgomes]

Maybe they weren't INTENTIONAL, but she definitely tried to cut you in some way, because, why say them anyway? Its just going to get worse. I'm sorry. I know you want this. But if she is already flipping her wig in such a broad way, the progression of it is just going to get worse.

Yeah, i guess you're right... I'll have to think about this. I had great moments with her, much more than the bad ones, that's why it's so confusing for me. And she didn't said anything terrible about me, specifically. One time she "just" break down saying that i would't be with her much longer, that i would break up with her one of this days, because we disagree on some "life things", perfectly normal. Basically it was a self-confidence issue she has and she is trying to get rid of. The other one was a couple of days ago. I work in the showbizz, so i don't have a regular work schedule. Saturday she started to feel sad because it took me a bit longer to finish my job before we met, so she started bragging that she would get throught the winter alone because i would not be around (and that's not true, i don't have anything that would get in the way in the winter). Again, it was basically an over-reaction and lack of self confidence...

[warriormaiden]

Ohhhhhh. Oh oh ohhhhh. I see.

Well, bringing up something JustAGuy has said.....is that something you want to go years dealing with? She's basically telling you, it ain't going to work, and feels conflicted, because she likes you, but knows that the particulars are just not going to work out for her. She feels completely unstable, because she doesn't actually think its going to last, and she does sound like she has confidence issues. Something she, herself, needs to work on, and not you.


I was in a relationship where the guy kept talking about how different we were, why did I pick him, we're just so different, different different different. I should have caught on and actually listened to him. He was telling me he couldn't handle it. That it was too much. Usually things spoken out of passion are that person's true feelings.

[vgomes]

Ohhhhhh. Oh oh ohhhhh. I see.

Well, bringing up something JustAGuy has said.....is that something you want to go years dealing with? She's basically telling you, it ain't going to work, and feels conflicted, because she likes you, but knows that the particulars are just not going to work out for her. She feels completely unstable, because she doesn't actually think its going to last, and she does sound like she has confidence issues. Something she, herself, needs to work on, and not you.


I was in a relationship where the guy kept talking about how different we were, why did I pick him, we're just so different, different different different. I should have caught on and actually listened to him. He was telling me he couldn't handle it. That it was too much. Usually things spoken out of passion are that person's true feelings.

Well yes and no. This might seem that i'm blindly trying to defend her (and possibly i am, i like her, so...) but what she said was not entirely with that tone. I'm pushing my english to the best trying to express what it was like, i'm getting the feeling you didn't quite catch what it was. The bragging was not because we're different, and our differences don't come up as an issue often. It was only that particular case that she broke down. She's been telling me since the begining that she's not used to have a boyfriend. Her friends also comment on that, saying that she was a "lonely" girl, going out with her friends but not giving herself to a man so much. I get the feeling that this was a turn around in her life. She admit it, this "boyfriend" thing is something that she was not used to, and she's scared of not knowing how to deal with everything, ruin the relationship (i'm basically quoting her here). But she likes me and most of the time i can feel her "effort" to get things going along well.

I frequently ask myself (back to the point of this topic) if the problem is with me. My overthinking, my fears of not getting along right, make me question so much about this, frequently reminding me of what she said on two ocasions that i know it wasn't intentional but hurt me anyway. I'm insecure, so, maybe i should try to overcome this so i can truly see the full picture here and enjoy the benefits of the relation... don't you think?

[Magnitude]

Me, personally, I would very much think about the two episodes. She could be the perfect package for you, but, do you want that drama? I was with a woman who used to cut me down like that and claim it was out of anger. I thought she was PERFECT, but, it got bad really fast. You seem like a good guy, so I don't want you to end up in a situation where she goes from anger to undermining you and trying to manipulate you. It's a very fine line and I've seen it before. Being in a relationship means both of you will have the nuclear launch codes on each other. You will know each other's biggest weakness. Can you see yourself with her in a year or two, knowing she could accidentally hurt you worse? That's the big question, really. You don't want to be three years deep into a relationship and have her attack you with your own insecurities.