Confused!

[nesserz]

Hi guys. First post here. Desperate times...

I've been seeing a giy for a few weeks. Been on a few dates. We set some groundruled early on about not jumping into bed together. Infact he suggested a set amount of dates before we did, which I really appreciated.

Things had been going very well. I invited him over last weekend for a movie night on the proviso it wasnt about sex, to which we both agreed. So it was clear to both.

I woke up at 3am to him sneaking out. I confronted him and he said neither of us was getting much sleep so he was going to head home. I was hurt by this but nothing I could do. Evidently its now Thursday and I havent heard anything since. I've sent a couple of messages against my better judgement but nada. We were texting ad nauseum a couple weeks ago. He knows I have been hurt in the past yet what hes currently foing is hurting me.

Why would something like this happen? Hours previous we had been talking about future plans. He said he wasnt going anywhere (in tje relationship) What changes over a few hour time period? Why would he just stop talking to me after being the sweet gentleman he has been? I understand he didn't get sex, but that was always clear from the beginning. Thoughts?

Thanks guys!

[Magnitude]

I'm not blaming you on this, but, it could be he feels burned by it. It still sounds like he went in with some expectations and probably bounced when he realized you literally just meant hanging out. However, I don't know your exact situation so he could have actual excuses. Most likely not though. I don't really know why guys go from perfect gentlemen to ghosting though. But, not for a second would I blame you for it. And I'm sorry that somebody would hurt you like that, knowing what you've been through.

[nesserz]

I'm not blaming you on this, but, it could be he feels burned by it. It still sounds like he went in with some expectations and probably bounced when he realized you literally just meant hanging out. However, I don't know your exact situation so he could have actual excuses. Most likely not though. I don't really know why guys go from perfect gentlemen to ghosting though. But, not for a second would I blame you for it. And I'm sorry that somebody would hurt you like that, knowing what you've been through.

Well looks like he prob did have expectations. I rang him tonight and shockingly he answered. We had the most dull conversation. I came out and asked if he wanted to see me again. His most lack lustre response was "not fussed" So! Lost interest evidently. He fooled me well and good. Shame I wasted my time there...next.

[TheEvilJester]

So.... you two agreed to a certain length of time/number of dates before sex would be considered. You call him to hang out while making it clear that it was specifically just to hang out and nothing more..... and yet somehow he gets expectations that sex was going to happen?

Have you two passed the time frame you agreed to already and have still not done anything? If so, I could MAYBE understand him getting a little impatient.... but that still doesn't change the fact that he could just be a man and be honest about that, rather than being a giant man-baby and just deciding to ghost on you. If you've not yet passed the time frame you both agreed, then he has NO excuse as far as I am concerned.

I mean, bottom line, maybe he just felt he wasn't that interested in you.... and that is honestly fine. He's not obligated to like you. If that is the case, he should have just been honest with you. I personally have no forgiveness for people pulling that kind of ghosting bull crap. If you just don't feel you are hitting it off with somebody, that is fine.... but have some damn decency, stop being a coward, and just be honest so they can move on and find somebody else.

Personally, my suggestion to you would be to move on now and don't look back. Also, just be thankful he did this now rather than dragging it on longer to where you only felt even closer. Better it happened before you got too attached. You will find somebody who appreciates you the way you deserved some day. If this guy isn't it, that's HIS loss.

Good luck to you.

[nesserz]

So.... you two agreed to a certain length of time/number of dates before sex would be considered. You call him to hang out while making it clear that it was specifically just to hang out and nothing more..... and yet somehow he gets expectations that sex was going to happen?

Have you two passed the time frame you agreed to already and have still not done anything? If so, I could MAYBE understand him getting a little impatient.... but that still doesn't change the fact that he could just be a man and be honest about that, rather than being a giant man-baby and just deciding to ghost on you. If you've not yet passed the time frame you both agreed, then he has NO excuse as far as I am concerned.

I mean, bottom line, maybe he just felt he wasn't that interested in you.... and that is honestly fine. He's not obligated to like you. If that is the case, he should have just been honest with you. I personally have no forgiveness for people pulling that kind of ghosting bull crap. If you just don't feel you are hitting it off with somebody, that is fine.... but have some damn decency, stop being a coward, and just be honest so they can move on and find somebody else.

Personally, my suggestion to you would be to move on now and don't look back. Also, just be thankful he did this now rather than dragging it on longer to where you only felt even closer. Better it happened before you got too attached. You will find somebody who appreciates you the way you deserved some day. If this guy isn't it, that's HIS loss.

Good luck to you.

Thanks Jester. Yeah, there was an agreed tkme frame and we were nowhere near it. We had both been burned in the past by falling into bed too quickly, so agreed on a time frame. The intention wad to get to know one another first. We were a third of the way there. So i agree, I don't think he should have exprcted it. I feel he thought I would cave and thats why he said the right things, in the hope it would lead to sex. Joke was on him. It didn't. I stayed true to myself for once and I'm glad for that. It hurt a grrat deal as it was, but had it prolonged it would have been much worse. I phoned him last night. He was very standoffish, brushed me off with my worries and basically ever seeing me again. I am now thankfully relieved to get my clear answer of him having lost interest, if not why, just that he did. Thanks for your comment

[TheEvilJester]

See, and it is a-holes like that who give guys a bad name and make it hard on the few of us who actually ARE decent people looking for more than just a hook-up. You agreed to leave sex out of the equation entirely for a predetermined amount of time, TO WHICH HE AGREED.... but obviously he only agreed thinking with some patience, you'd think he was a good guy and you'd cave. Good for you for sticking to your guns. I mean, nothing wrong if you had decided you no longer needed to wait, then that is perfectly fine. But, you were still not ready, so I applaud you for sticking to what was agreed.

I think people often jump to sex way too quickly in a relationship, and often times I think that is a big part of what results in sex becoming too important to the relationship. Sex IS important in a relationship, don't get me wrong, but it shouldn't be THE most important thing and it shouldn't be the whole basis of a relationship. So, I think you have every right to stick to your guns. Hell, even if you wanted to wait for marriage, that is your business. If any guy wasn't okay with waiting, well then he'd need to go find a woman who agrees with him. Don't ever let somebody pressure you into something with which you are not comfortable.

Anyway, believe me, I know how torturous something like this can be if you let it. Wondering why somebody could seem to have really enjoyed your company and then just so suddenly lost interest in you. So, take it from somebody who knows from experience.... don't even give it a second thought. Most likely, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. Somebody who could toss another person aside so easily with little thought doesn't deserve anybody in the first place. Just be glad you learned this about him sooner rather than later.

Again, you shouldn't have to basically force somebody to see that you are worth having in their life. If they can't see that on their own, then they don't deserve you anyway. Good luck!