Longing to be loved

[pcmaster]

Well man I see, just really seems like you are remembering past too often. And yeah man you should do something actively to get that chance once it comes up. You cant just wait, you are not at that age when everything is given to you. If you want something then you have to take it. Belive me I waited for years but nothing happened. Until I changed my mind and started do something.

I beent o girls house again. And we talked more this time, but kissed too a lot. This time I was more agressive. She was right it takes waking up. I just was sleeping for too long - years. So thats why I was so peacful first time. Today she confesed that she always holds back. And she did bring up kids topic again - she still hopes that I will want kids, that I will change my mind.
Still havent told he Im a virgin, however she might suspect. Kinda afraid from sex. But heh it have to happen sometime. Maybe this weekend lol.

[lovebroken]

I'd say don't rush it, especially rush it for a committed relationship or even into the bedroom. Nothing needs to go fast or forced, natural and slow is what holds test of time more, imo. You are coming off a bad break up and were hurt, wanting and feeling love is great, but have you properly even healed yet? Have you and her discussed that break up? Be thoughtful with her, girls like that, that you listen and ask how we are and how are day went, you bring her a drink, coffee or what have you that she likes with out having to ask, little things matter. Hope all goes well with you both.

[pcmaster]

Thanks, going slow really seems might work better in longterm.

I didnt really got hurt in past relationship it was just I was angry. I did fell out of love before she dumped me and I fell in love - got attracted, ifatuated with nurse who cared for me. Anyway I was still giving time to my ex and was used to her. Remember she asked me - Honey do you really love me? - I hesitaded because I didnt feel it anymore but said I love her and was doing all the right things. I mean still was working on that relationship and being good BF. Now just sometimes remember it but now from the moment I wake up till moment I go to sleep I think about this new girl Im seeing now.

[TheEvilJester]

Again, to be perfectly honest with you, if it weren't for this message board I would rarely think about my past AT ALL. The only reason it comes up here so often is because it is often relevant to what other people are facing. Frankly, were I to avoid it like the plague even when my experiences seem like they could be helpful to the person coming here for help, I think THAT would actually be more an indication that I've not gotten over it. I can think of my past and it holds no more pain for me. So, why pretend it didn't happen? I owe it to the magnificent beast I have become not to forget the things that brought me there, lest I be doomed to repeat the same mistakes.

Anyway, if things are working for you two for now, then no harm in just enjoying it for what it is. Again, wanting kids vs. not wanting them is/can be a pretty big difference. So, maybe down the road you two may not turn out to be a good match permanently, but if you two are fine with things how they are for now, then enjoy it for now. You never know. Maybe something will change and you two will find some agreement on the topic. Good luck to you either way.

[pcmaster]

Alright lets say you are not stuck in the past. But you said you would take the opportunity once it comes up, you wont hold against it. So that means you want relationship, the problem is only that your mindset is too pasive. You have to take control of your life, have to put yourself out there and do something active to get things that you want in live.

[lovebroken]

I think if you don't feel love for someone or no longer love for another you do yourself and them no favors in saying you do just to soften things and make it all nice and good. Be with a person you have those strong feelings for and again no rush to say the words, or for sex, or for kids. Everything comes when it should and in its own time.

[pcmaster]

Thanks for words of wisdom Love. Well 8 months was enough to fall out of love, already before that I understood that I have to look for new GF since this one did drink a lot and had other things I dont like in girls.
Now this girl Im seeing drinks a little but still much more than I do. Then again I know only few people who drinks less than me. Been to girls house again and this time it was sunday and I was thinking about upcoming work in monday so wasnt in a mood before we met and had to leave early to go to sleep early. Anyway it was still pretty good, not so sweet lovely dovely mood I had the first time but we did speak more and was more comfortable with our bodies and tried more new things and she showed that she knows a lot in bed. We didnt had sex but a lot of those little things you do before and during sex. She likes to make out and foreplay. I licked her fingers and she kissed my finger where I showed her the burn scar from when I was 2 years old(before we been sitting in kitchen and talking about our scars). She sucked my thump and damn she was good at it. Now I finaly believed and understood what she said when she claimed to be good at oral. If she would have sucked me like that down there I would have lost my mind. There was a lot of kissing and bitting in other places and she sure turned on by softly bitting my ears. Didnt know its possible but it is lol.

So yeah no sex yet and not rushing for it despite that my older friends who have a lot of experience says me to rush for sex - have it as soon as possible and dont waste opportunity. She says its gonna be long time till that. Think she really wants to feel loved and desired before it happens. So far Im not all the way there.
Another visit planned this weekend and staying overnight and breakfast too as I understand. At least we decided to meet in Saturday.Before we been talking about meeting friday night and then spending Saturday together but now girls wants her to go to club with them friday to celebrate name day of one girl.
And its even better for me cause I said already before that will be tired after work friday and will be sleeping in her bed anyway(like she once did slept on my chest when she was tired after her work)

[lovebroken]

Does she try to lessen her drinking when in your company? That would be the thoughtful thing to do, doesn't have to not drink at all but have only one maybe two at most. No need to get tipsy.

Sounds like you both are on the right path so far. Talking and sharing your lives and day and hopes and dreams are good ways to get closer, make deeper connections.

Least you both have that mutual attraction. It's probably good she didn't give you a blow job at this point in time, will be worth it to wait for as long as you or her can. She is just showing you a sample of what she can do. I guess. It will happen and be worth it.

[pcmaster]

Thanks for support Love. Im thankful for support cause a lot happening right now and with opinions and advice I feel much stronger and compose. I can talk with the girl but friends are always welcome and generally a good healthy thing to have in relationship.

She dont drinks when with me. But she said we will have to drink wine at nights when I said I cant relax so well near her. Anyway once she did drink cider and then wanted me to come over and said she wants to see me everyday - we met yesterday(friday). Then next day(sunday) I visited her and next week she said shes not getting too excited when I said I do. She said she knows she will see me in weekend and are peaceful. At the same time I missed her and was longing for her feeling sad. So yeah she said before that she wants to see me everyday and that shes not telling me that cause I should know it by myself. This is one of the reasons I got carried away with my feelings so much cause assumed she already is carried away.

Feeling a little pressure to have sex now. Today She was like - I wont do anything if you dont want it - then she was like - You know I will want sex. And then it was - are you afraid of sex? Im feeling rejected and like you dont want me.
So I explained her that dont feel ready for ir, dont want to rush it, feeling tired and really want to rest this weekend cause had the hardest week.

Just yeah in my mind we had so much time but now it feels like shes not so patient as it seemed. Also yeah - she says condom or no sex. My erection is weaker with condom and everyone knows that sex with condom is not the same. At least she said that sex dont have to be by her rules, she only want me to use condom. So thats a bit of a relief that I can do what I want. Still feels like her condom rule ruined all sex.

I feel like she have desire for sex with me, by some sexual things she said(and did lol). But I also feel like she never gave me her love - shes nice and sweet and all that, but feels like shes not in love yet. Sure its too soon to say L word but she never said she likes me also despite that I have told her I do like her. Just really want to feel her love. She says she controls her feelings. And told me not to get too excited cause shes not yet getting excited.
So yeah feels like sex stands before love in her head. But I already did find out a while ago that shes sexually crazy. She said shes crazy since first date but I could never see it or figure it out until we spend some time in bed. But not that gave her away. What gave her away was that she said she will jump on my D and wont let me sleep at night.No girl ever been so direct with me. Besides now I remember she liked to talk about sex freely before we even met for first time. She even told me about her first time(her first time having sex) when I asked.

[pcmaster]

Been to girls house today and yesterday. Spend like 18 hours there. Watching movies, doing sexual things and trying to sleep. It was nice, but feeling really tired despite that I didnt had sex myself but made her orgasm twice. She really wanted to suck me off and have sex but I havent planned it so didnt let her despite her disappointment multiple times she tried. Anyway wont stay overnight anymore as I cant fall asleep at her place. Will just keep visits shorter. She said she dont want to fall in love to not to have pain later. So yeah looks like Im only one falling in love here. Wish I could have met her few years earlier. Now it seems like so hard and impossible to have relationship with her the way Im now compared to how I was before. Just yeah, I wasted a lot of time alone before and now paying for it. Paying everyday for my past mistakes. Like in that song lol - everyday Im suffelin' ♪
.

[lovebroken]

Seems like things are progressing nicely and you are spending more time together. That's good. Do you feel happy when with her? Comfortable? Couldn't she come over to your place instead, you should be able to fall asleep in your bed better than anothers bed. She might feel love for you too, but is keeping it silent and to herself for now to see how things go, lots are that way because of past hurts.

- - - Updated - - -

If you have specific questions you should also post that as a thread in off topics because some posters don't post in this section but post in that one so you can get more help, just a thought and is why I put my threads in there a lot of times.

[pcmaster]

Well I changed my mind about her today. She drinks too much in her nights out. That reminds me of girls with who I tried to have relationship but felt like Im trying alone. And today felt like she is not emotionaly attached the same way I do. So yeah Think I will just have to find girl that dont drinks. Really dont like drinking. Because it makes you dont care. Kinda resets your emotions.

Im so proud of myself that I didnt slept with her despite that in the moorning she was lying on bed naked, with her giant boobs and gently playing with her beautiful pussy. She have perfect skin, but I resisted ! Remember there was one guy on forum who said he slept with too much women. So I havent done that mistake yet. Really good that I didnt slept with her cause wheres the point of getting attached if shes dont. She says she dont cry because of guys.

Also I said tonight that I have planned months ahead with her and there are things I have planned to show how much she means to me. She said that scares her cause Im falling for her when she dont feels that way yet. Anyway I should have just said that she treats me good and I want to treat her good as well.
It seems like it would be smarter to leave her first. But I cant dump her cause I like her. Want to watch another movie with her on weekend but really just that - movie and kissing at best. No sex scenes anymore, no touching genitals. That is if we still gona be in relationship cause now seems like things are going downhill and our days together are counted. I dont even enjoy chatting with her like I did. And shes not so sweet as she used to be either. Besides we both got bored of kissing. So yeah seems like we are getting bored with each other - the sweetest part is over. Or maybe we just didnt progress so fast as we should because I didnt wanted to have sex.

[TheEvilJester]

Alright lets say you are not stuck in the past. But you said you would take the opportunity once it comes up, you wont hold against it. So that means you want relationship, the problem is only that your mindset is too pasive. You have to take control of your life, have to put yourself out there and do something active to get things that you want in live.

Oh, in that I absolutely cannot argue. There you are most definitely correct. Deep down, I DO want a relationship. ....But, I've sort of become so complacent in believing it will never happen that I've kind of just accepted that is my fate. So, you are most definitely right. I don't try. I'm not actively AVOIDING any and all chance for a relationship.... but I'm not seeking out to make it happen either.

And you are definitely right that I SHOULD. Maybe some day soon I'll motivate myself. It just doesn't ever seem to work for me, so it has lately seemed so much easier just to accept my fate. Hence why I have sort of given up on any hope there could be a chance for me. Instead, I've chosen to return to fighting to be happy just with me. It's a daily struggle, but one in which I will put up a valiant effort whenever I can. But, I will readily admit I should NOT let myself just become complacent, that I should actively search somebody out. Perhaps in time.

Believe me, my lack of interest has NOTHING to do with my ex. Quite the contrary, in fact. When I broke free of her, I was actually excited for the possibilities, excited to perhaps finally find my true love after being trapped in a lie for so long. It was remembering who and what I am LATER down the road that's sort of made me settle into my dark fate. ....But perhaps some day that will change.

Anyway, it sounds like the more you get to know her now, the more you are seeing that makes you think she may not be the right match for you after all. However, you previously seemed pretty certain that you at least wanted to keep pursuing her. So, I suppose in your own mind you should sort of start to make a pros and cons list. I don't mean to over-simplify it because it certainly is NOT an easy decision. But, when you are so on the fence, and keep changing your mind, sometimes the best way to look at it is to just look at it logically.

If the cons outweigh the pros, either in number or importance, then that may be enough cause to just end things and allow you both to move on. If the reverse is true and there are more and/or more important pros than cons, then perhaps you keep going and see where it takes you. Good luck to you either way.

[pcmaster]

Oh, in that I absolutely cannot argue. There you are most definitely correct. Deep down, I DO want a relationship. ....But, I've sort of become so complacent in believing it will never happen that I've kind of just accepted that is my fate. So, you are most definitely right. I don't try. I'm not actively AVOIDING any and all chance for a relationship.... but I'm not seeking out to make it happen either.

And you are definitely right that I SHOULD. Maybe some day soon I'll motivate myself. It just doesn't ever seem to work for me, so it has lately seemed so much easier just to accept my fate.

You should just try to do something. I understand how it to try and try and dont get any results or reward. You know when I worked as a security guard I talked with a lot of girls.I was interested in them. Asked questions like how old are you, do yoou have a BF. Answers I got was like - Yeah I have BF. Or No I dont and not looking for one or I just broke up with one and not looking for one. And it made me give up these answers. But this year one of my friends told me - "Im not looking for BF" and I was like there we go again. But then she said "But it doesnt mean I dont want one". That gave me hope and I understood that I have given up too soon on those girls in past. Also I was shy, introverted but I got over it after talking to few girls. Then I was still lacked confidence and selfesteem. Girls got bored while talking to me. I was thinking like - if I cant talk to girls then I cant get a GF too. Every guy seemed better than me, I felt like im in the bottom of a feeding chain and no girl will look at me since theres so much better looking guys around. Damn one girl was even afraid of my face ! Then I quit job because of depression and started to chat with a girl on FB. And she started to like me. I was lonely and it boosted my mood when we chatted, and she started to enjoy that I write to her every second day. But my mindest was like that no girls likes me and if some does they actually dont like me just dont know it yet. So yeah needless to say things didnt work out with online girl as well.

Then I started to work as a joiner and tried to talk with all the pretty girls there. I got nowhere as well and then I complety gave up. I just didnt had confidence, experience or social skill enough to get somewhere, besides I gave up too soon.
Look for example how much you can say when girl says she have a BF -

Wait we just met and you already telling me about your problems.
Me too its okay
I just said "Hi" not "suck my dick".
"I'm not a jealous man"
"want another one?"
"You look like the type of girl who would have 2 boyfriends."
"Oh you must have thought I was hitting on you. I was just being friendly."
Is he here?
“That’s great, no one cares.”
“Excellent, when’s the wedding?”
“Do I look like Dr. Phil? I don’t want to hear about your problems”

So yeah man you see that some guys dont give up. I used to be one who did gave up but now after I experienced good times and reward for my efforts, I do believe that trying is worth it and that something is possible for everyone. At least more is possible when you actually do the right thing and put in right effort.

I will say this - you cant actually motivate yourself while you havent got the taste of cake again. You need to experience something pleasurable, something good you need. Now you have this bad past experience that associates you with girls and you need to get rid of the past. Only way how to do it is adding really good present. So yeah you need good times with girls NOW to forget bad times with girls BEFORE.

- - - Updated - - -

With a girl Im starting to understood things. When I was traveling in other country we messaged. She said - I want to feel your kisses and carresing, want to be in your lap or next to you and watch some movie in the background.
It felt romantic to me. She never wa so open and that was before I been to her house.
I said - All I need is your love, I want to see how good you can be to me and I want to love you and fall in love with you. She said it sounds beautiful.
She was good to me - made first steps in bed - first kisses, put my arm around her. All felt sweet and lovely. But then on later visits I kinda understood that shes not really giving me her love. And last time - when we spend 18 hours together. She was cooking me delcions dinner and breakfast, sleeping naked with me and letting me touch her as much as I wanted and where I wanted. Now I understood she was good to me because she wanted sex. My female friend with 27 years marriage experience already told me before that Girl wants to bang.
So yeah in the end theres no love - she was good to me to make sex happen. Also she said She dont fall in love, that shes not letting anyone close, dont cry for guys. And this monster wanted sex with me. I knew I couldnt do it without getting attached. And now after I didnt had sex with her she lost interest - dont writes me first anymore, dont want to meet, says shes busy with work, what is true but before she was okay to meet after work and even wanted me to go to her place at midnight after I finish my work. So yeah excuses. Now Im planning not to write to her for 2 days and then hit her up see if I can get her to meet on weekend.
Why girls have to be so sexually agressive? Why when guys wants sex but they dont give it its okay but when girl wants sex but guy dont then its the end of the world and everything is over? Previous girl with who I refused sex, didnt talk with me for a year.
This girl still responds but it seems like it hit her hard. We already got bored with each other before, so sex might be the one thing needed to progress and make things interesting again but since it didnt happen seems like things are going downhill and recovery might not happen.
This would be good girl for me if she wasnt so sexually crazy, cock hungry bitch. I cant count how many times i removed her hand from my D. Also she wanted to suck me off and wanted me to eat her instead of breakfast.

[TheEvilJester]

It's really hard to explain. My PAST experience in not being able to talk to women is definitely a lot like what you describe. The weird thing is, my poor experience with my ex really did not negatively effect my desire or ability to see any possibility for a positive future. In fact, like I said, that actually had the opposite effect. I left that relationship feeling like a new man. I often described it as feeling like the phoenix rising from the ashes, ready to take on the world.

It was when I tried to get back out into the world and "become human again" that I remembered that won't work for me because I'm not human. At least not a "normal" one anyway. The funny thing is, all my doubts of the past are gone. In the past, I felt like I was ugly, freakish, unworthy of love. I wanted it so badly, but felt I would never have it. Felt no woman would or even could ever love me.

These days.... I don't feel that way anymore. I don't think I am God's gift to the planet or anything. I'm not Bradley Cooper or Dwayne "the Rock" Johnson..... but I'm not a bad looking dude. I also think any gal who would give me the chance would be lucky to have me. I don't say that to be cocky, I just honestly think I have a lot of love in me to give.

The problem NOW is I still doubt anybody would be willing to give me the chance to show them that. In the past, I never asked girls out because I figured they'd just always reject me and I thought I deserved it anyway. Now, I figure they will always reject me anyway.... and I actually KNOW I could get rejected and be fine..... but I no longer think I deserve it. So, I think part of my problem is my dark passenger whispering in my ear, convincing me that people don't even deserve the chance to reject me.

Right now, I love me too much to allow that, and for me that is groundbreaking. I've lived most of my life HATING myself. I mean, forget love. I didn't even LIKE myself. These days, I know I deserve better than that. So, for now, I think I've just been trying to enjoy that.

Part of me would rather just leave it at that, but part of me does hope some day I take all that and apply it to love. Take all of those positive vibes that are so new to me and use them to help me find the right person this time, not just more mistakes. I just don't see that happening. I don't see any light through those clouds, so it just seems easier to accept what I cannot change. I'm not saying I won't change my mind down the road. Maybe I will. Part of me hopes I will, part of me hopes I never do at all. Time will tell.