Longing to be loved

[pcmaster]

Well so you think you will get rejected and think girls dont deserve chance to reject you. Sure some will do. But again its about not giving up and dont take no as an answer. Sure you take no as an answer if it stays no even after you tried everything but its not about giving up to first hurdles.

Its funny when I think about girl who just last weekend wanted sex with me and I had countless times to remove her hand from my D. It was a long way till she got to this point.

It all started on a dating site where I registered 3 years ago - I messaged few girls - like 5 and never got a response. Then months ago I checked the site again and saw a girl who was there 2 years ago - I find her so beautiful back then that didnt messaged her cause knew I wont get response - she was just too good to me - out of my league( but i messaged other good looking girls and of course didnt got responses). So I was thinking to myself - You are already long time on this site, you probably are interested in sex. And I write that to her - of course I knew I wont get response, it was just me putting my thoughts in a message, I was more talking to myself. But she responed and we started chatting, then I didnt wanted to just chat but make sure she will meet me as well so she resisted a bit but I made her say that she will go on a date with me. This was a girl who I seen 2 years ago at shopping mall too - she was baking pizzas but I never dared to talk to her and then one day I saw her with her BF - guy was so damn good looking. It crushed me cause I knew I have no chance since in my eyes I wasnt even average. But now I was chatting with girl and bringing this up and happens that this guy was treating her like a shit and she broke up with him few months later 2 years ago.
Then I went on a date with a girl and she was so talkative and confident. Real social butterfly - she talked with people around - she knew many there where we were eating. But I was so shy and quiet, really akward. Good that she was talking all the time, filling up the silence. Anyway I knew that she will not want to see me again after how quiet I was. So I didnt talked about meeting for few weeks but kept chatting with her. Then I went to eat pizzas where she worked and she was cooking them for me. - She made them so better for me than for others, with extra stuff on them and I talked a little with her at her work.
And then one day when I was in another country in 5 star hotel relaxing she had a birthday. I already congratulated her on FB with sweet song but I called her anyway and talked few minutes - she didnt had time to talk cause she had to meet guests. So I wrote her a message. And thats how it started. We messaged while I was in another country and I said these texts have made me longing for her. Then she said that she wants kisses and carresing. And next week it happened - we spend together nicest friday night in her bed. It was lovely dovely, lots of kissing and making out. We watched Avatar and it was romantic. We met 2 more times and with each time it was becoming more sexual and passionate. I was waking up from long sleep. But she was sexually crazy in bed.

So yeah later she told me that she was thinking not to see me again after first date but we just talked and somehow she was okay to meet again. Besides her girlfriend told her to give me a chance, so she did. I never let her go or gave up, never completly stopped contact except for a day or two to give her a break and dont get tired from me.

I shared this story to to show how being from completely defeated in my mind to even talk to a girl things went to a chance to have sex in 18 hour long date in her bed. So yeah man, it was luck from begining but later on a little experience from past helped when things looked like theres no chance. Not letting go but at the same time knowing when to stop and slow down.

I gave that one chance to reject me that she didnt used because she didnt reject me. So this is where you think sick Jester - Not giving a girls chance to reject you. You might have a lucky strike just like I did. It all started from a single sentence online. It was just a little active move - a tiny effort to start things going. So You too need to do something small but something that counts something that opens a door to a conversation.You have to find these sicks thoughts and mindsets in you. Im not a therapist but I can see this one. I had some sick thoughts too but they are gone now.Kinda healed. For example I was thinking that girls dont like me and those who does actually dont just they dont know it yet. But this way I wasnt being in a moment and wasnt using girls who actually liked me for a while. So yeah I did see where I think sick but sure there are few more of these critters in my mind just like there are in your. A little demons that holds success back and things we want in life.

Im just happy that I didnt talked to a girl 2 years ago when I find her interesting because it would never work out since I lacked confidence. Online she couldnt see that and it helped to progress.

Also I read somewhere that we live in like small village - even with thousands of people big towns people keep their communication circle small. And dating site lets to step out of a small village and find hundreds of people who are looking for same - to meet someone or talk to someone. Sure you can talk with girls in real life too but most of the girls will have a boyfriends or they wont be looking for one.

[TheEvilJester]

I am sure you are probably right. I know that intellectually. I should at least put out the effort. Thing is, these days I just don't desire to even bother. Before my mistake of a relationship, I always wanted to, but couldn't bring myself to because I never felt it would happen for me and never felt I deserved it anyway. Lately, I do think I deserve somebody.... I just don't care to find her anymore. Again, don't get me wrong, deep down I still do.... but on the surface I just can't bring myself to care. I am enough for me. Right now, I'm just learning to enjoy that.

Part of me hopes that will change some day. That I will want that again and keep looking. Yet, another part of me hopes I never do again. I am happy for you that you have had some positive experiences. From my personal experience, though, online dating does not work. At all. It only helps me hate people even more. I don't need that kind of negativity in my life. That's another HUGE part of the problem. At this stage of my life, I feel like I don't really meet many women. I basically only meet them at work. If it weren't already a bad idea to date somebody from work anyway.... they almost always already have somebody.

So, where else am I going to find somebody other than via online dating? Shame it doesn't work.

But, frankly, I'd rather get back to talking about the original topic. Let's focus on somebody who actually has some hope of true love. LOL!

[pcmaster]

Well man I think you need stop jerking off for few months to start care about girls again, or better try to go for a year without stranding the one eyed.

Its been 3 months since I jerked off last time. Not the longest cause my record is still one year. Its funny how I still resisted not having sex with a girl when she was therein front of me, completly naked, gently playing with herself and saying - "you dont care?". Im proud that I put my clothes on and left. Only real man can resist sexual temptation.

One of the reasons why I didnt had sex is because I didnt felt enough emotionally comfortable with a girl. I could touch her body easy but I could never touch her heart. She said before that she dont fall in love cause she dont want get hurt. She said shes not letting close guys to her - in emotional way. She dont cry for guys. Dont run after guys because the next will come. So yeah kinda monster she is. It reminds me russian song - You gave me your body but I wanted to receive love. Its scary and empty inside of you. And here I am who cant control his feelings and can love and wants love. Just monday I think I asked her - why you choosed me? With what I am better than other guys? And she said - I dont know. She never said she likes me and now she dont even know why Im better than other guys. That makes me doubt if she have feelings for me at all. AT the same time shes wants to have sex with me. She was good to me - cooking dinner and breakfast at her home. All those pizzas with extra cheese and meat at her work. ALmost made me confused like she likes me. But in the end it looks like it was all just to open the door for sex. Now I havent messaged her for 2 days. Shes busy with work and I know she wont message me either. This might be as well end if I never message her again. Just yeah happy that I didnt have sex with her. I know it would make me more attached but she still wouldnt care about my heart. Im not a naive girl and dont think love would come after sex. After all this girl been telling me that she had FWB for a long time and they didnt develop feelings.
I will keep in my memory not the sexy times we had but the first time with in her bed just kissing and snuggling and watching avatar. She was so tired and so nice, I was in a very good mood and so peacful. Think I need to work on my personality and happiness to be more loveable.

Will message girl today - friday. Will not talk about meeting this weekend but just chat with her as a friend. If she invites me over okay. But if not, then good I will rest good, cause always feel so tired after visiting her. Its like she drains my energy. Last time I visited her she said how much she likes beards and wanted me to grow one. And I saw this guy with full beard commenting many of her facebook posts - he was the only one commenting them. So it might as well be that she likes someone else now.

[pcmaster]

Messaged her yesterday - no answer. Then In midnight saw her online in FB. We chatted and it happens I was right - she likes another guy. Her ex started to write to her, thats why she did not respond. And pretty much she didnt wanted to contiune too - said we are too different. I saw that already after first date. But since she didnt think about me much it took her much longer time to figure out.
So yeah, agreed to stay friends. LOL

[TheEvilJester]

That is very.... colorful advice, pcmaster. LOL! I appreciate that you care and wish to help me. To be honest with you, though, it is not necessarily advice that works for me personally. I don't want to want a relationship because I need a sexual release. I want to want a relationship because I want love. Don't get me wrong... I have needs just like any other human being on this planet.... but frankly, I'd be happier to have true love but never have sex than to have sex all the time but never have true love.

Obviously, that is only a hypothetical example, though. True love should also involve sex, it just shouldn't be the most important aspect of a relationship. Sounds like you agree with that, as a matter of fact. It sounds like this gal of yours was only interested in a sexual relationship with you at this time. Good for you for sticking to your guns if that was not what you wanted. You are definitely right. Not many men could/would resist a woman making it so easy on them.

Sorry it didn't work out for you, but it sounds like it was for the best for you anyway. You will find somebody. Don't settle for somebody who isn't the right match for you just because you want somebody. Good luck!

[pcmaster]

Thanks for replying Jester. People been replying to all these BS topics but missed most important one - my topic.

So yeah. I understand that you want love. You are not teenager who is raging with hormones. You get turned on by love cause when you get older brain do rewire in this way that love is more sexy than sex.

Anyway man. WHat you need is find a right girl at the right time. Someone who would be ready to love and there will be you - just in the right time to steal her heart. Sounds easy I know. But it seems like that is what we need to do.

My love horoscope on astro.com says interesting things about me and I find it to be true. -

-Most people need the physical presence of their partner in order to carry on a love affair, but you are quite capable of conducting an affair at a distance.-
-You may find that for you, sex is not a necessary component of a close love relationship and that intimacy of the mind is as important as physical intimacy.-

Also I it said that "Although you find sex naturally satisfying you can carry out love affair without it."

So yeah [MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION]. You should check your love horoscope and portrait too to see what applies to you. We might be a like as it seems.

It just sucks that I waited for so long cause now these days Im so tired from work alone. I know how tired I am after making out, not even talking about sex here. Already 4 years ago when I was 23 I was afraid of sexually demanding girl cause knew it would take more energy from me than I want. Then again at 20 years of age I was not afraid from sex at all. Just wish I had more energy now. Still have sex drive so at least not completely old lol. Despite that previous girl said that Im hiding something from her since I sleep so much - I must be 40 years old just lying to her cause I look younger.

Now chatting with 25 year old girl. She agreed to meet when I was still with previous girl. Now messaged her again and she seemed okay with it. But shes not a big chatter. Just want to chat with her as much as I can before meeting cause know I wont be able to say everything and might even lose speech once we meet. Want to feel at least comfortable in chat before meeting in person. Even if we meet, I dont thing that without a lot of chatting relationship will be sustainable.

[TheEvilJester]

Oh come now, pcmaster. I'm sure all of us think our post is the most important one. LOL! Sometimes people shy away from a post that has already been going on for a while because they can't be bothered to read through all of the history of what has gone on so far. We are into 5 pages with this particular thread as I type this, so you can kind of understand why people haven't responded as much.

Anyway, I don't really believe that horoscope stuff. They are always either so vague they could apply to anybody, or they are specific enough that I find my supposed "horoscope" and/or "profile" doesn't really apply to me at all. ....But, then again, maybe that's me. I am quite a weirdo. LOL!

Maybe some day I will get back out there.... but I don't know. Right now, where I sit currently is that I'd happily accept it if the opportunity actually arose to fall in love (and by that I mean mutually, not just me crushing on somebody and it is never reciprocated), but I just have no intention of bothering to look for it. I'm happy right now and that is good enough for me. Unfortunately, the longer I settle into that feeling, the more and more likely it is I WON'T find anybody. Love doesn't just fall into your lap. At least not usually. But... I just can't bring myself to care.

Good luck to you. Glad to hear you are moving on and keeping your options open. Energy does tend to dwindle more and more the older you get. Even in your late 20's, you tend not to feel the need to be as sexually active as you maybe were (or at least wanted to be) in your teens and early 20's. The trick is just finding somebody whose pace matches your own. Good luck! I hope you find your match very soon.

[pcmaster]

Indeed 5 pages, but this topic is about me and my love life so its not the end yet. I will post here until I wont feel need for it. Until Im happy and stable in relationship.

Agree with you about horoscopes. I felt like they are BS for all my life. Until Valixy - maybe you remember her. Told about astro.com. And that stuff was like chineese food in restaurant compared to cold supermarket chineese food. I mean most horoscopes are really for anyone. But there are specialized ones that even takes in account your birth time. Those are more interesting to read in. People mostly encounter horoscopes in newspapers and magazines - those are complety useless. Thats why they thing horoscopes are BS.

I understand that you have no need for love life. Cause you are nice guy and after you watch that movie your sexual side is satisfied. Correct me if Im wrong.
But happiness alone is more like neutral happiness. I mean in relationship you can be much better or much worse than alone. So yeah its pretty much about taking on risk and gambling, hoping to be rewarded and trying to escape pain.

Just a few moments ago I was thinking about being alone. Really getting sick with girls. Now when I think that previous girl stopped responding to me and now I found out that me unfriended me on facebook. After we decided to be friends. So there you go - friends. When I think about it she seemed to be emotionaly out of relationship before she left physicaly. Because how on earth its possible that we spend 18 hours in her bed and few days later she stopped responding.
Thats just pissing me off that so much girls are like that.

[TheEvilJester]

Honestly, I still don't buy into horoscopes. I don't care how detailed they get. I don't really believe in fate. I mean, yes, some things are bound to happen, but I don't think it is like your entire life story has already been written and you are just playing your role. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.

I understand that you have no need for love life. Cause you are nice guy and after you watch that movie your sexual side is satisfied. Correct me if Im wrong.

That movie? I guess you will have to clarify for me what you mean. I think perhaps you misunderstand, but that is perfectly understandable because even I sometimes don't understand myself. I'm not made like most human beings..... in many ways. The relevant way I am discussing here, though, is that sex is not so massively important to me like it is to most. Sure, I'd love to have it just as much as the next guy. Sure, I feel a loving relationship should involve sex. It shouldn't be the most important aspect of your relationship, it shouldn't be the entire basis of your relationship, but sex should be part of any healthy relationship. ....But I don't NEED it. What I've felt all my life I DO need is love.... but it's also always felt out of my grasp. Don't get me wrong. It's not like I'm one of those pathetic people who cannot function in life unless they have a relationship. I can be alone, I just don't want to.... or didn't want to. These days, what I've been learning to do instead is close off that part of me that needs love. It often seems like that is the only way I'll ever be happy.

Anyway, people can be flakes. I hate people like that. She could have just been an adult and told you it just wasn't working for her and she needed to move on. People figure if they just stop responding you'll get the hint. Like either A) they think they are letting you down easy by just ghosting you or B) they are just too selfish to give a $h*t. Either way it is the sign of an immature, inconsiderate person. It only hurts worse, honestly. It prolongs the pain too because for a while the person on the other end of the situation keeps hoping that the person has just been busy or something like that. They keep making excuses in their own mind and prolonging the suffering. If the other party could just grow the Hell up and be honest with them, sure it would hurt, sure it would suck, but at least they could move on with their life.

The only silver lining I can give you is at least that proves to you how much better off you are without a loser like that in your life. In time, you'll get over the person who did that to you and realize that they ultimately did you a favor by removing themselves from your life because they never deserved you anyway.

Some day you will find the right match for you, and she will be somebody who wouldn't DARE play games with you like that because she wouldn't dare risk losing you.

[pcmaster]

Well man I mean movie that nice guys watch. You know ussualy they find it on pornhub.

People indeed can be flakes. I remember you said that some people just stop to communicate with you out of blue. But guess thats comes with internet age. When its so easy to ignore.

Actually she said few days before she stopped respond that she dont know whats gona be with us.( I had no space for new messages and now have new sim card so have not all message history and now they are mixed in wrong order. So its impossible to read them and figure out where exaxtly that happened, cause lately there was SMS messages between us not FB.) But at some point I was thinking shes pretty perfect and too good for me. But later figured out that shes not so perfect. Drinked a lot and worked a lot. And smoked. However she was doing good things for me - cooking and giving away her body to me letting me do what I wanted with her. She was mine. Still emotional intimacy is as much important to me as physical. And we lost the emotional part. It was there at first night but later nights there was more sexual things without emotional connection. So this was a real deal breaker for me. My D my rules. LOL. Ussualy girls says that but this time I had the last word. Still proud that I was strong enough to leave without sex. Most guys would have not resisted. Thats why I like being virgin - cause Im not addicted to sex and can live long time without it. Its like I cant miss what I never had. But then again I think I getting a long somehow without sex but maybe Im not. How can I know if I never had it.

Anyway now the problem Im facing is that my sex drive goes up cause its been 3 months since I last jerked off. And last sexualy experiences I had with her. So remembering all those good times in bed now. Many things was new for me. Basically everything was new for me. So inexperienced I was. But When Im less virgin than before I feel like more confident about my future and ability with girls. Since once already I been accepted and dont feel as much a monster as before.

[TheEvilJester]

Ah. Well, maybe that is why I didn't understand what you mean. I'm not such a nice guy. ;-) LOL! I am the EVIL Jester, after all.

I think you hit the nail on the head about the Internet age. It's just the day and age we live in. People find it too easy to "swipe left" or "swipe right" or whichever one it is that is basically a digital "no, thank you." It is so easy in online situations and other situations where you don't regularly see somebody face to face to just disappear and figure they'll take the hint. That way these people can be the cowards they are and never deal with things the way a real adult human being should. They never learn how to be a mature adult and consider other people's emotions and feelings because they live on a computer 24/7.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE technology.... I just don't like what people do with it. Take things like social media. Facebook and stuff like that. Here's this amazing ability we never had years ago to keep in touch with friends all the time even when they live hours away..... and most people are so self-centered and empty that they basically never engage with anybody and yet expect everybody else to fall all over themselves to comment on their stuff. Social media could be such a great place to keep in touch with friends and even meet new people..... if PEOPLE didn't ruin it like they do everything.

Some days I swear I just want to live in a cabin in the woods somewhere with a cat, a dog, and no human for miles. LOL!

Anyways, don't let your sex drive control your love life. If you want to have sex just for fun, then that is great so long as you find other willing partners. But, you want to have love first, and that is frankly awesome. Especially in this day and age. The right partner will come along. So, in whatever way works for you, don't let your most special of appendages make decisions for you in that regard. You will find the right gal some day. No need to be so adamant about finding ANYBODY that you accept something/somebody who isn't right for you. Good luck, as always.

[pcmaster]

Agree with you about what you said in internet age topic.

Indeed I want love first. Feeling too old for banging for pleasure. Want to have some deeper meaning in sex - put my D where it counts and wont be forgotten. You know I want the legend of my D to live on. Any girl can worship D. But to really honour D it takes the right girl. Maybe Im thinking about sex too much. Have to ask myself - What would Jesus do?

[TheEvilJester]

That or you could instead ask yourself.... What would Brian Boitano do?

What would Brian Boitano do if he were here today? I'm sure he'd kick an @$$ or two. That's what Brian Boitano'd do.

[pcmaster]

Who da **** is this guy?

[TheEvilJester]

Not a South Park fan, then, I take it? LOL! He's an Olympic ice skater, but the South Park movie had a song about him for some inexplicable reason.