Used, Abused and Confused

[Bryce098]

So I have a long post about a long and messy breakup that happened over 6 months ago.
But I figured its would be a good read for somebody out there and maybe I can get some help in return.

Before I get started, I must point out that I am a 26 year old male, who as of 6 months ago, was living together with my 27 year old female partner for just under 3 years, who is from a predominantly muslim country.

When I first met her she had been living in this country (UK) for just over 3 years, she left her violent and drug abusing husband, who brought her to this country as his own personal cash machine and house maid.
Early into our relationship she told me that she needed a place to stay, she couldn't stay with her parents who were claiming asylum in Italy due to civil war in their home country, and her visa would simply not permit it.
Since I owned my own home and was currently living alone at the time, I offered for her to stay with me. Even though she had no job to help split the bills, I covered her financially and did all I could to help her find a job and get her back on her feet.

So lets cut to the ending...
At the time, I had a great job, nice car, living with my girlfriend of 3 years. She just left her old job to start a new one at the beginning of the year, not to mention she also bought herself the car she always wanted. The both of us were really happy and I was just about to propose to her.

Until I got the news that the company I worked for had to make some large scale cut-backs and they told me that I would be made redundant at the end of the month... That's when things started to change. I tried applying for new jobs as soon as I got the news, but unfortunately I couldn't land myself a new job when my month was up (and still havent 6 months later). As soon as she heard the news that I was being made redundant by the end of the month, she started talking about some guy she met at work, it was almost to the point of infatuation.

She kept talking about how he has a nice car and how he paid for it all in cash, constantly comparing his car to mine, talking about the large house he lives in with his parents (who also have nice cars), even how his cats are better than mine (not joking...). But ultimately, she started bringing up how the two of them have the same interests, and all this was very persistent, even something as simple as grocery shopping ended up as a show and tell of what his favorite things were.
Ultimately this started to generate some friction between the two of us.

But to make things worse, she then started to bring him round after work, she would rarely tell me in advance that this guy was coming round, so any plans I had made for the evening often flew out the window. This guy would not leave until 4am, long past the time I could stay awake, I often suggested that maybe its time for him to go home but she always overruled me and encourages him to stay, even stay the night on the sofa at times.
When I asked her what could they possibly be doing until 4 in the morning, she would simply reply "Just chatting", despite the fact that these two should have had enough time to talk about things during the time they were working together, I couldn't work out why they would need a further 10 hours to chat.
When she didnt invite him round to our house, she would be on the phone texting him during times when we were supposed to be having some time together watching a movie or our favorite series, often interrupting just to tell me what he said.
It got worse when I made plans to take her out on a date somewhere, only to find last minute she invited him along as a third wheel. Despite planning this weeks in advance, her excuse was always "You never told me it was supposed to be just the two of us".
All this lead me to feel highly demoralised, which lead me to receiving more flak from her for being upset. I noticed that her attitude always changed when he was around, she would be more giddy and showing me up in front of him by highlighting all my faults or disclosing personal or embarrassing information about me "in a joking manner".
I also also noticed that he seemed to be copying me, copying my mannerisms, my in-jokes with her, my hair style even my clothing.

All this combined with the passing of 4 of my family members that very same month, left me very down and burnt out.

It wasnt until about a week after I lost my job, and a few days after we got back from seeing Coldplay live (which was supposed to be my birthday present to her), she came home from work one day and sat me down and said "We need to talk" out of nowhere.
She told me that I needed to find a job, and there arnt many jobs for my area of expertise close to where I live, so I need to move out, move closer to where those jobs are located, as for her she wont be coming with me because she is happy where she is.
After trying to explain to her that there are jobs in this area for me and its just a matter of time before I find another, thats when she started to get angry and get personal.
She started bringing up all the bad things I supposably did to her over the 3 years we've been together, all I can say was most of her reasons were either petty excuses or highly exaggerated. Accusing me of not loving her and never taking her anywhere, yet the fact that I spent a fortune taking her to the other side of the country to see her favorite band play live on her birthday a few days prior, was all irrelevant. She told me that she didn't love me anymore and it was in my best interests...

And thats when the bullying started. She was incredibly hostile, comparing me to her drug abusing, violent, benefit mongering ex-husband, which made no sense, all I did was loose my job and here I was being called "Scum"... She started to get very personal; previous Ex's, my family, how my house is not good enough and my cats are a disgrace (one being over 20 years old and down to the last of his nine lives), nothing was safe...
I decided to ask if this had anything to do with this guy from her workplace, I felt it was in my right to know, all I can say was she pretty much "Hulk Smashed" the house, screaming how dare I accuse her of cheating on me, stating that this guy was only 21 years old and they were "just friends" (despite all the evidence stacked up against her).

All this was too much on top of the grief I was already suffering from losing my job and family members and I just broke down, but she didnt stop.

She said she was moving out by the end of the month and in the mean time she wanted to sleep in my bed until then, but she wouldn't let me sleep in the spare room either. So I had to spend 28 sleepless nights of having to share my bed with the physical interpretation of Bruce Banner.

Later on into that month, things started to die down, she started to show remorse and constantly tell me that "she was sorry" and "she wished things were different between us". She found a flat to rent and she would be moving some of her stuff there whilst I had to go down to London for the night to attend a funeral of one of the four family members that passed away.
Despite the fact that she promised that she would still be here when I got back, so I could give her a souvenir from London (as I promised I would take her some day, I thought a souvenir would be the closet thing I could get to fulfilling my promise now that it was over between us). When I returned home I found she wasn't there and all of her stuff was gone, she also decided to take all of the bedroom furniture with her except the mattress, apparently she invited that guy into my house to come and take said furniture whilst I was gone, without me knowing.
I cant get that furniture back because she refuses to tell me where she's living now.
Since she left, she contacts me most days on her lunch break, despite the fact that I made it blatantly clear before we even got together, that I do not believe in friendships after a relationship, and unless she was willing to negotiate getting back together we should burn all bridges. Yet with all this in mind she still contacts me, always asking the same question "Hows the job hunting?", If I dont reply instantaneously to her messages she freaks out and speculates that something bad has happened to me or Im deliberately ignoring her.
She openly admits to stalking me on Facebook and other websites, and despite blocking her, she asks my friends to inform her about anything I've been up too...
For example, I decided to become an organ donor one day. After applying online, I checked the box to share on my Facebook profile, not thinking of any repercussions. The following morning, I received a dozen messages from her saying that she saw my post on Facebook (through a friends account) and she was up all night crying, worried that it was a prelude for me to do something to myself. She later came round to my house, banging on my door too see if I was ok. Even to this day she says that she still cares and she worries about me, and I quote "If anything bad was to happen to me, she would go down with me".

When I see her from time to time, she's sometimes very close, hand holding, hugging and a kiss on the check or forehead every now and then, she also comes round to my house sometimes but only if she wants something, otherwise she claims that she lives too far away too visit.
Not too long ago she asked me to meet up with her at a cafe, the entire time I was there she would not shut up about this guy, she even turned around to me out of the blue and mentioned that even her other colleagues at work believe that the two of them are secretly in a relationship, yet she put so much emphasis on dismissing it and that they were still "good friends".

Even as of the day I am writing this, she came round to my house asking me to change the Coolant in her car, since her bestest-best friend nor his parents knew how to do it and she wasnt willing to pay for a mechanic to do the job, I was the last resort. The entire time she here, she was talking about this guy to the point I wished I could have blown my brains out, but what really got to me was when she slipped up and referred to this guys parents as "Mum and Dad" before correcting herself, a title that she reserved for my parents (and hers obviously), she later went on to boast about what plans she's got with him and his parents over Christmas.

I just cant take it anymore, its like im being haunted. I would quite happily move on and start a new life, even if that meant running away to another city or a secluded location in the country, but I cant due to the restrictions of not having a job anymore.
I look at her and I dont see her as the same person I once knew over the 3 years we've been together, I cant trust her after all that she did, and all the stalking and boasting about how awesome her life is since she left me and how amazing this guy and his parents are is really getting me down.
I really need help, she was the closest person I had to a friend, most of my other friends have either left town or started their own families, which means I dont have many people to talk too or rely on.

But if Im just so much as one word out of line or I try to avoid her, she becomes aggressive.
I fear that when I finally land myself a job that she may try to come crawling back.

[dontaskme]

Your gf is not only abusive, she's also controlling and selfish. Time to kick her on the curb, totally block her and tell her if she doesn't stop stalking you, you'll get a restraining order so she can't come any closer to you or she'll get arrested.

There is no benefit to you to maintain any friendship with this girl since it's pretty obvious that the only reason she wants you around is to use you and string you along just in case it doesn't work out with this so called "male friend". She's full of shit and you know it. Tell her to leave you alone and get lost for good.

[pcmaster]

Man it looks like you let things go too far. You should have stopped her and made boundaries already early on when she was just starting to do things you dont like. You let her do whatever and she did it.

P.S. Happy couples dont brag about how great their relationship is. Its the really fcked up ones who does.

Man I just read all of it. Early on it seemed like a nightmare, hard to believe that its really all true, so bad it is.

However If you are really down and want help, then I suggest counselling, therapy and lots of love from close people.When I was in UK and being really down then samaritans helped me. Some calls but mostly talking in their office.

I suggest you check your location with horoscopes - some places on this planet are not good for you so might the place you live in that lead to bad things.

http://www.astro.com/cgi/aclch.cgi?btyp=acm

It happened to me before when I was living in wales - that place had effect on me in such way that it became hard to communicate.
Anyway you are lucky that yoou still good, I mean you didnt get in bad accident while feeling down and such. Really sometimes stress can lead to bad things.
If I were in your place I would - get help and support from proffesionals or volunteers, start to do sport or gym, and try to get in touch with friends.

[Bryce098]

Man it looks like you let things go too far. You should have stopped her and made boundaries already early on when she was just starting to do things you dont like. You let her do whatever and she did it.

You're absolutely right, looking back I should had seen it coming.
However I guess I was too afraid to say anything that might upset her because I was all too aware of her tantrums. She's like Dr Jackal and Mr Hyde when it came to getting her own way.
I tried to intervene and make my objections known about this guy's involvement, however she's too quick to turn it against me.
She was all too good at making me look like the Villain in the relationship.

From what Im aware, she does have a past of attempted suicide. And she has tried to use that card against me maybe once or twice early on in our relationship for little to no reason.
One time she kissed me so hard it made me bite my lip, and by me flinching made her upset, despite me saying "sorry I bit my lip", she ran off crying and locked herself in the bathroom and threatened to drink the bleach from under the sink. I eventually coaxed her out however she would keep bringing it up for weeks afterwards, saying how she was so close to drinking it and how she had the bottle up too her lips and it was all my fault because I didnt love her.
Maybe thats her way to get her partners to conform to her will.

Just out of curiosity, I have a strong suspicion that she will try to come crawling back as soon as I find a job.
Does anyone else think this is possible? If so, how likely?

[Gale16]

Should you be interested I may share my recent romance.
I went to Turkey in the summer with my friend. Babysitter and kids
The resort was beautiful as you may dream of, resort called ali Bay. Kids loved it there especially their aquapark. And well we needed the swimm glasses, There was a handy mini market

- - - Updated - - -

There was a guy who had tried to get my attention from the very first moment I walked in. Since I was in a bad mood he pleased me. I went back there the next day to get some napkins and he was again very friendly charming and handy. We exchanged the contacts and I thought that was it. The very day he sent me a first message. His words were so nice and gentle. He made me feel like an attractive woman again. It got very intense I was sick whenever he wouldn't respond. But....I had to wake up one day. That occurred when I learned he tries it also on our baby sitter Agnieszka.
We shared the story and realized he's using the same technique on both of us. Although it hurts much I didn't let him know what I learned. I'm though sure he's a cheater. If there will be any development I'll share it here.in the meantime please don't trust nice strangers and their sweet compliments.