13 years and it's over?

[SLM1920]

I've been with my partner since university. We've had our ups and downs and a break up of about 18mnths back when we were 21 and 22. Now fast forward 13 years I have told him to leave because I realise we want entirely different things. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. This year alone I've made the decision twice before and rescinded.

For the past 5 years I've had to sacrifice my dreams of studying further and many other things in order to support him with his dreams of business and wealth because he is unemployed. We have a 10 year old daughter together. I supported him because I love him. I knew we're doing this for our future. But when I now look back I see I was deluding myself holding onto something that was already broken. We were engaged in 2006, He cheated in 2007 and I forgave him. He did it again in 2010 and 2011. The last one broke my heart the most because it now wasn't just online but he would meet with this woman and there is no pain severe as seeing the one you love fall for another. He ended it eventually but that part in my life took away so much from me. I moved provinces on the premise that we were done but he begged, I gave in and he followed me.

He has been unemployed by choice ever since. Working on his endless business ventures. I have supported him and our daughter and things were ok from 2011 until late 2014 when I couldn't anymore. I was Frustrated that he doesn't want to get a job but brings in zero income and that I've had to sacrifice so much. Through these years names of women have popped up time and again but claims its nothing.

The final straw was when he brought his child from a prevous relationship to live with us. Being the sole bread winner I was now not only responsible for him but his child as well. It's always been me, him and our daughter yet now I had to include his child in my now limited resources as well.

A lot happened this year that I won't get into detail of but what has brought me to the decision I made on 16/10/2016 to break up was that after all I have done and the sacrifices I have made for us he had the audacity to gallivant with women in my car whilst I was away on holiday for my birthday. He was busy charming and flirting with women and sending sweet messages even on my birthday yet he fails to show me any affection. He is not the man I fell in love with. Our visions of what a future looks like have changed drastically when we used to be so in-sync. I cannot compromise any further when we're headed in two opposite directions but it still doesn't make it any easier. All I have done the past two days is cry inconsolably. Work is a distraction for those hours but I find myself thinking constantly of what was and where did we go wrong. When did our hopes and dreams change. I am by no means perfect, I have flaws and have made mistakes but not once have I ever made him devalued, insignificant, unworthy. I have always respected our relationship and held it dearly. He knew way back when we started in university what I stand for and what my deal breakers were. Those values haven't changed, I think what made him take advantage is the fact that I forgave him before and now I must live with the fact that it's part of his life to flirt , lie, cheat and project to others that he's a good guy BUT in truth he is living a fake life. He has never shown that he wants to make a change and wants to be with me instead I feel like I'm just a means to an end. For him to have a roof above his head, a car and a means to live that Instagram life.

I realised that I am too old to deal with this AGAIN. I will not compete with other people nor will I stay wondering all the time when I have never completely trusted him since 2011. But my heart is breaking and my whole world is crumbling and nobody knows. He on the other hand has not even tried to show ANY remorse for his actions or even apologise or seemed help instead he manipulated me, told me I'm taking things out of context and that I should stop acting like a brat. He has shown absolutely no emotion towards me as though I am just a room mate. How do I truly move on? I just want the pain I feel in my heart to go away. I literally feel pain in my heart. I know we can never be those 21 year olds again but when did our hopes and values change so much that I feel we are strangers? Please help me understand

[9ine]

You did the right thing by finally letting him go. I'm a guy so I can give you my perspective. I know other guys like this. Your not the problem, you're the enabler. This guy is like a parasite that only cares about waking up to next day with his own agenda.

You are alot like me in that you have incredible patience and forgiveness in your heart. Waiting for things to change and to get better thinking all along that it's you're fault things are the way they are. They only became that way because he took advantage of you. It's O.K. These things happen and you did the right thing.

I know it hurts and no words will make everything go away. Time will heal those feelings and help you refocus. Life's too short and you'd be in the same or worse situation months down the road if you kept him around.

Big decisions like this are difficult to make. I'm in the middle of one myself and I'm scared sh!tless of losing my kids. In your case, I think you're setting a positive example for your daughter as showing her the sacrifice it takes to keep your self respect.