Have family but can't stop thinking about colleague

[onetwo]

I have been with my girlfriend for 8 years and we have a 2 year old child together. About a year ago, I realised that the relationship was flawed in many ways, mainly that we lack a deep enough connection when we're together - we differ intellectually and just don't laugh together enough. I think I'd just accepted this over the years but it simply became unacceptable to me. I left and shortly afterwards became involved with a colleague who makes me laugh and feel connected in a way that I'd never thought possible. I felt a deeper connection for her than I ever felt towards my partner. This lasted for 2 or 3 months, but the pain of not living with my child became too great and I ended up returning to my girlfriend. My colleague and I remained friends as she understood the situation and could see the pain I was in. Things were fine for about 6 months after - the relationship with my girlfriend even improved. Unfortunately, as time went by, the feeling of discontentment grew and grew and my feelings for my colleague became more significant again. So much so that I am now completely infatuated and regret going back to my girlfriend. The feelings of limerence towards my colleague are completely distracting and not even welcome, but I can't help feeling that I am with the wrong person. My girlfriend is a great mother to my child and is a kind, good person and certainly doesn't deserve the way I am feeling at the moment, even if I can't help it. My colleague isn't seeing anyone else as far as I know and does know how I feel, although she is definitely once bitten, twice shy. Although I think that if I left my girlfriend, things could eventually start up again with my colleague. It just feels like history repeating itself from last year and I don't know what to do. The damage I am causing to everyone, including myself, is significant and I need things to improve quickly. Does anyone have any experience or advice on this?

[9ine]

I can feel your pain. I'm at the step you were in 9 months ago as I'm in a broken relationship and falling for a colleague. What does your girlfriend think about all of this? Assuming she knows as you said you left her for a few months. Everything I've read on this kind of situation calls for trying to "make things work with your girlfriend/wife" but everyone deserves to be happy. As long as the differences between you and your girlfriend are mutual and not going to change, and you've tried to make things work, then perhaps you should go with your heart.

[TheEvilJester]

I can't offer advice from experience as thankfully something like this has not ever happened to me. However, I can still offer my thoughts, and hopefully they still help at least to some degree.

First off, don't feel too bad. I very much doubt you asked for this situation. It just happened. Not only that, but you did not get together with your colleague until after you and your partner had already split up, so you'd done nothing wrong there. You also did not do anything wrong in going back to your partner.

To be honest, had you come to us before you went back to her asking for advice on whether you should, I think my personal advice would be that you should NOT. If you two did not work out before, exactly what would make you think you would now? Believe me, I think you are AWESOME for wanting to try to fight to make it work for the sake of your child. You are a good dad. BUT.... children CAN be happy with two parents who are not together. Hell, they would be so much happier with two parents who aren't together but are happy rather than with two parents who are together but are miserable.

Not only that, but don't you think your partner deserves to be with somebody who truly loves her? Do you think you deserve the same? Why should you both be trapped in the wrong relationship? You can be parents and not be together.

Now, as far as your colleague...

Right now, I would recommend you do not consider her part of this equation at all. In other words, if you leave your gal, leave her because she is not right for you. Do not leave her because you instead want to be with this other gal. You need to take some time to yourself first, if for no other reason than one very important thing....

Your colleague does not deserve to be just a rebound girl for you. Believe me, I know that would never be your intention, but sometimes it can be easy to fall into that trap without realizing you are doing it. Somebody comes along who fulfills things you felt were missing in your relationship so you fall for them..... only to later realize that they aren't really right for you either, it was just exciting because they filled in gaps in your emotional needs.

So, before pursuing anything further with her, take some time to heal. Take some time to reflect on the past relationship. And, take some time to decide if you really do want to be with your colleague. If so, then definitely give it a shot then, but just don't rush things. I mean, I'm not suggesting you leave her hanging forever either, but at least don't rush in before you are relatively sure it is what you want. Good luck!