Ending to a LONG Relationship?

[ConundrumBandit]

First some background on me, I am a girl and I am gay.

So. I met a girl online. Things were pretty great. We seemed to vibe well, then suddenly it kind of shifted into an odd realm. Firstly, she had a really odd view of sex. She said it was because she was raped. I can understand that. She said she just needed time to feel close to me. So I said I would wait for that to happen organically. We moved in together after 5 months of dating (I know, stupid), still no sex. Meanwhile she's hanging out with this other dude ALL THE TIME. She said he was her brother, but I didn't see the resemblance at all! I looked him up (Google is scary) and it turns out, they aren't related at all. I confronted her about this and she freaks out on me. Starts insulting me and just making me feel terrible. I even started crying but she wouldn't stop, meanwhile the dude is standing right there in the room. Later on she explains that she was upset because her grandmother passed away or something like that. She tells me that she feels like he is her brother. Alright, I can understand that concept I have a couple of people like that in my life too. But she kept saying how he was legit related. It didn't sit well with me. There were a lot of red flags for the next four months. I'd catch her in lies. She'd take my clothes and jewelry and not give them back. Stuff like that. But yesterday I ended it. It's been nine months of commitment on my end. I have been taking care of her financially as well. I asked if we could be intimate. She freaked. She said that I was always bringing it up, and using it as a weapon against her. How she would never **** a fat girl. She didn't call me fat, but she kept going on and on about not ****ing a fat girl. I was heart broken. I sincerely loved this girl. She said she needed to leave so she could hang our with her "brother." I was crying so hard, I couldn't even look at her. I felt so fat and used and upset. I asked her not to go, but she left anyways. Said that she was going to come right back and that we would spend time together. That it would be fine, yatta yatta. I drank myself so stupid, which made it worse. And she didn't even return like she said she would. I wake up the next morning feeling funny. I couldn't do it again, so I left a note saying I was done, and I left. I get a call from her at work, I actually have to tell her to stop calling. It was so embarrassing because my boss sits right behind me.

If you read all that, or just some of it, or skimmed, whatever. Does it sound like she was just using me? There were a lot of good times, but the bad were awful... In put please? I am still pretty sad over this.

[S0NofHAM]

I might have some insight.
30, heterosexual.

What you are describing is love. I can tell that you love her, but I'm not sure if she loves you or not (only you and her know). It is *extremely* hard to let go of someone you love, even after you've already lost them. Trust me; I know. It's kind of like having a family member who's died: you hang on, and keep loving them and missing them, and sometimes have a hard time letting them go. The same is true with romantic heartbreak: even though your ex is still alive, what you had died, and you're mourning over a memory, a fantasy, the past.

I've been living in the past for three weeks now since my ex and I broke up. I've been crying every day, and my ex's face keeps popping up in my mind. I was even feeling suicidal. It has been *extremely* hard on me. Life doesn't make sense. I don't care to do anything, but... I'm *slowly* getting better...

It was complicated with my ex. Long story short, I loved her more than she loved me. She neglected me and didn't give me her time (if someone doesn't give you their time, then they don't love you...). We broke up a few weeks ago, and we'd be dating for about 8 months. Those 8 months to me seemed magical, seemed eternal, seemed like she was the woman I'd marry and have kids with and grow old and die with... it turns out she wasn't.

I actually broke up with her 4 times, and she broke up with me twice. I certainly cannot blame her for giving up on me, considering the circumstances. Every single time I broke up with her, alcohol was involved--basically meaning that I'd get drunk and break up over text, and the next day cry and apologize and ask her to take me back. She did the first three times, but not the fourth (so I can't blame her!)

I would be depressed that she wasn't spending time with me. She slept in the same bed as me 4 times in 8 months, refused to move in with me (kept pushing her move-in date back because we kept fighting), and on average I'd see her about 3-5 hours a day, 3-5 days a week. It wasn't enough for me, but it was enough for her. When I told her I loved her 2 months in, she said "thank you," and i asked her to be my girlfriend, and she was happy and said yes (so she doesn't love me, but she's happy to be my gf...?). I drank too much in the relationship, and it might have worked between us if I didn't drink so much and if she loved me more and didn't neglect me. I live alone, and I'm lonely, and I ask her to sleep with me and she said no... meanwhile, she is afraid of the dark, uses a nightlight when she sleeps, and gets spooked out by an empty house. See the hypocrisy? I told her to imagine if she were in my shoes sleeping alone, with no one else in the house, and missing my gf, and she never cared.

The final breakup, three weeks ago, as the hardest. I broke up with her because she was neglecting me and not giving me her time, and I was sick of it, and I got drunk and was feeling very strong and independent, so I pulled the trigger. Since then, I begged her to take me back for three weeks, I've cried my eyes out repeatedly, professed my love to her, told her I'd love her forever, I want to marry her and have kids, I don't want her to marry any other guy, and a lot of other romantic things. It's been nothing but rejection, and she said she hasn't cried once in the three weeks since we've broken up, and she doesn't love me anymore. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around that. It's hard to get closure on certain things: when you love someone and they don't love you back, you might never get closure, except for the fact to realize that they just don't love you, and you will be okay, and move on, and find someone who really does love you the way you love them. I was very deep, and she was narcissistic and shallow. It is really painful falling in love with a narcissistic girl, because she seems so perfect, and you both love her, and it makes you fight for her more, and the sad thing is that she doesn't really love you back. I've been trying to realize that I haven't lost mi chica; in fact, I never really had her, so I shouldn't mourn over the loss of someone I never really had.

Regarding your situation, you dumped her because of her issues, but if you're still pretty sad about this, it means that you love her. It's similar to my situation: you broke up with someone you love because you felt they didn't love you back, and it hurts a lot afterwards. What you have to do is determine whether or not you really want to be with her, and whether or not she really wants to be with you.

No offense, and sorry to judge, but it may not have been the best thing to break up with a note. It's like what I've done--breaking up over text--and it's wrong. It makes it harder for the other person to get closure. You both either need to live together and love each other, or you need to find closure. If you love her and want it to work, then tell her. Just tell her whatever is on your mind, and make a final decision and get closure, and let your heart heal.